Parenting Neighbor's Daughter

Hi, H.--

This is a difficult one for you and for your neighbor. I am trying to understand the issues which seem to be many. It sounds like you feel used because the neighbor child is eating a lot at your house and spending a lot of time with your child. Also, you really don't want your child eating at her house (why?) so it does sound like your daughter goes over there at times, too. What is your relationship with the child's mother? How do you know about her financial situation? It sounds like you feel like she has taken advantage of your generosity. I guess what I would want to know is--- do you want to cultivate this relationship for your child and is it a hardship for you to watch the child and feed her snacks? Do you just want to be recognized for all that you have done to help out? There is nothing wrong with wanting to be recognized so please don't feel bad about it. I have been in the same shoes and felt used by others at various times in our lives as well. I remember when I was little we had a neighbor boy who came over every morning and would eat breakfast with us. We were struggling financially and I was resentful. My mother went over and discovered that the kids only had carrots in the refrigerator for breakfast and she never said anything again. I am now struggling financially trying to support my daughter and myself. Sometimes friends will watch her for a bit while I go to meetings, etc. I am not always able to return the favor although I always offer. I am embarrassed for my situation and don't always articulate it well with others. I would feel badly that anyone resented my child going to another person's house. I can't compensate my friends financially right now and most of them are doing well enough financially, but I do try to help them out in a myriad of ways. For instance, I always provide the snacks for all the children when we go out. Friends think we are generous and they love our homemade snacks (I would do this anyway because I love to), but what some don't realize is that I cannot afford to buy snacks when we are out and I love to treat others even if it is only bags of homemade popcorn. Your neighbor may not realize all that you are doing for her daughter. She may think that you and your daughter are enjoying the benefits of friendship and she may not even realize that her daughter is eating so much at your house. She may be embarrassed if she knew and she may also feel badly that you have instructed your daughter to come home if she is hungry while at her house. Maybe your neighbor is struggling with getting her own life together and trying to stay afloat and provide a better life for her child. Then again, your neighbor could be a total clod who lacks sensitivity and is using your house as free child care. Since you are asking this forum for advice, perhaps you can step back and take a deep breath, decide what is most important for your family situation, and go from there. Best of luck to you and your family and neighbors!

I'm genuinely shocked at the negativity of a couple of the comments you've received. I hope that won't discourage you from being so honest in the future. You're asking a good question about a problem that afflicts plenty of good-hearted people. (Frances M. and Deb F. gave you fabulous advice!)

I have been helped out by neighbors and generous strangers when I was young, seriously underpaid, and hungry every day (hunger is the pits). Also, I have had a hard time establishing boundaries, and ended up resenting those who simply overran my unstated needs. Both situations are painful in their own ways.

If it's any comfort to you, you are probably helping this girl in ways that won't become apparent for years. In my case, the generosity of others has instilled in me humility and gratitude, and I make a point of helping others now whenever I can. I really have no sense of entitlement (though I suppose that's another thing that little girl could develop if other people help take care of her unasked).

If she's over at your house too much, decide what your needs are and what limits would be appropriate for you. Then talk to your daughter about how much time and space in your household you are willing to share. If possible, give your daughter some say in the final decision.

If the neighbor child is eating too much of your food, decide what snacks are appropriate that the girls can share together. Try to take a step back from your resentment and imagine this little neighbor as someone your daughter values (since she apparently is) and consider what it's worth to have that value in your daughter's life. Also, I hope you don't blame the little girl. She's just taking what is offered, and probably doesn't understand that this causes bad feelings.

I don't understand why you won't let your daughter eat at the neighbor's house. Allowing the other mom to reciprocate in this modest way is actually a kindness. It might be the best she can do. And it could reduce your concern that this is only a user/used relationship.

As far as asking the neighbor for money, think how humiliating that would be for you if the shoes were switched. Really not a good idea, since she hasn't sought you out for sitting/feeding her child. But if you can think of any ways they might enrich your life, you might ask the neighbor, or her daughter, to do you a favor once in awhile.

For example, the girls could work together watering the garden or pulling weeds, or cleaning out a closet, or cleaning up whatever disorder they create while playing or eating. This would also reduce the likelihood of the neighbor, or your daughter, developing an unhealthy sense of entitlement.

It also sounds to me as though you have some deeper issues at work here, H.. You might spend some time and attention looking into your beliefs about good/bad relationships and see if your discomfort is pointing to something you could deal with more directly.

Well, in my opinion you have a hard choice to make. You either really can not afford to feed another child and need to ask this girl to leave when it comes to lunch or dinnertime - well knowing that she probably won't get enough food at home and go hungry.

Or, if your pocketbook allows for it at all, you can have the girl over, feed her and make as much of a positive difference in her life as you can. That includes having her obey the rules in your house and including her in chores, for those parts of your live that she takes part in, such as setting the table, cleaning up her plate and helping your daughter clean up the toys before she goes home.
If she is a constant in your household you could decide to take her into consideration when you shop for food and buy in bulk to save on costs.

Should you be paid? Probably... Are you being taken advantage of? Maybe... But does that really matter? I don't think so, because by providing her a safe, structured and warm place to play and a meal you are a hero in this girl's life, no matter if the parents can't or won't compensate you - and what a great lesson in compassion you are teaching your daughter at the same time.

Wow- H. - what a terribly difficult question> I am so grateful that you are doing these great things for this little girl. The world is DEFINITLEY a better place for every kindness you provide to her-- your generosity- your sensitivity- make that little persons' world a totally different place.

The problem is -- if the Mom can not provide food - it is likely she can't provide payment for child care ----however much you deserve to be paid. My suggestion is --- ifyou ask for payment-- could you possibly say '''' could you either barter with me or -when you CAN - pay a little?"' --- Blessings, dear heart

J.- aka Old Mom

I am appalled at the harsh and judgmental answers the other people have left for you. Shame on them!
This is a difficult situation. I feel for you. I have a similar situation with a neighbour where our girls are always at each others houses. But their daughter eats all the time, seriously all the time and mine doesn't eat at all. So when this girl is here she eats us out of house and home she even asks for food through the fence. We barely have enough money to cover the expenses of our food costs they do not have this problem.
I have no idea what to tell you. I just usually send her home when she asks for food saying I don't know what her schedule is and I don't want to interfere with her dinner.

I think for you it would be best to set some boundaries and stick to them. If you feel like she is taking advantage of your time then don't let her. Limit the amount of play dates or the length. Before she comes over talk to her mom ...you can say I will bring her home in an hour. That is what I have done. When your daughter goes to her house pack some food and snacks for her. The other mom will notice this. Good luck and bont let the other mean moms get you down.

It is always difficult when one neighbor, friend, family has more than another. But this is the way of the world. It is wonderful that you have been so generous with your food, shelter and extra help with medicine etc. But it seems that you need something in return for this. You may want to examine why you feel it is so important to get something in return (is it really money or could it be recognition or reciprocity with something your neighbor can do which is have your daughter to their house etc)

If you are feeling that uncomfortable giving, you need to stop now. You do not want to teach your daughter that giving is only okay if you get something in return. You obviously dont need the money as badly as your neighbor (no matter why she is in financial straits) and asking for that in return is not okay and is not neighborly.

I understand feeling alittle abused as you chose to stay at home and only have one child. Obviously you have made these choices for your family based on your finances and do not have extra to pay for all the neighbors kids and family. However, there are other ways to limit the amount of time and supplies you give.

Think long and hard about what kind of messages you are sending your daughter and your neighbor and chose which ones are the most important to you.

good luck

No - you cant ask for it. :) Are you sitting or is the girl over to play with your daughter? If you are sitting, then ok - if she is over to play, then no. She is a guest and shouldnt have to pay to be there. Now you can be mindful of how long she is there and what you share with her.

I think this is a great opportunity to teach your daughter, how to be generous, kind and still be a friend. I am sure the other Mom would not take the question well and your daughter could lose her friend.

Dear H.,

It's totally fine to feel the way you are feeling. My guess is as well written as your request for help was, we're still not getting all of the details. So, don't beat yourself up about not wanting to feel used and also not wanting to provide free daycare for your neighbor. It's a tricky situation. I was a little confused because you mention that you are financially stable but then you ask for help where you "need it (in the pocketbook)".

Lots of folks are having many issues right now (Oregon's unemployment rate is now in the 12+%-ile). And as a result of that, lots of children are going hungry. If you really have a problem feeding your neighbor's kid, you can always ask that the child leave because it's time to eat. The first time the child mentions being hungry, my guess is you'll feel worse off about sending her home than you do about giving her a snack.

If it isn't a hardship for you, I'd say hold off any making any requests for money, particularly since you know your neighbor is having financial difficulties. To limit how much time the neighbor kid spends at your house, set an acceptable schedule of when and how often she can come over. And try to mitigate additional expenses by buying a few snacks you can hand out that don't cost as much money. (A Costco or Winco trip might be a good option.)

Good luck.

Instead of feeling taken advantage of try to feel good about the positive influence you are making in her life. You may not have any idea the good you are doing and how important you and your daughter may be to her right now.

Your neighbor is just getting by so I would not expect her to hand over money at this time.
My daughter is a single mom who feels terrible when she sees furniture out on the street from an obvious eviction. She helps those less fortunate than she is
as I did when I was raising children. These families are placed before us to help us to live our stated beliefs. It is inequal but then we might not realize the help we will receive later on that is of a different nature is our repayment. e.g. someone making space for our child or for us in a class that is closed.
Be glad you can help keep the other child fed. And, you can tell her what hour not to come by before and when it is time to go home later in the day. But, really it is a blessing to help a child to eat right when the family she comes from cannot manage all the needs of their children.

Dear H., I can relate. It can get overwhelming. Just know that your motherly influence in any child's life is an opportunity like nothing else--it has the potential to be one of the most valuable experiences the child will ever have. Well worth the cost of snacks. I had a similar experience with some neighbors--I chose to set some boundaries (like helping out, if we're working a project, using manners, washing hands,cleaning up their messes, going home at dinner time--all stuff I'd require my kids to do). It was still hard to not just say "sorry, now's not a good time" and instead make the most of an opportunity to love them.
Hope this helps.

It sounds like your neighbor is going through a rough time. The mom might be embarrassed that her daughter goes without at home. She probably can't afford to pay you and might be embarrassed if you ask her for reimbursement. But you don't need to feel obligated to feed her every day. When it's snack time for your daughter, why don't you tell the little neighbor that play time is over and that she can come back later. That way she isn't a financial burden on you and you don't have to ask her family for money. This should keep the relationship open and friendly.

good luck!

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