Parenting Issues Causing Major Marriage Issues

S.,
As a step parent myself, I can tell you it is a very dificult situation you are going thru. My stepdaughter is now 18 and I became involved in her life when she was 4 and began raising her at 5. We are now the best of friends, but it wasn't always easy. I can offer both you and your husband some very sound advise. First and foremost the first thing the has to happen is that there shoudl be NO talking down of his dad. Some day he will realize it on his own. It may take years, but when your son hears his daddy having bad things said about him, it only hurts and makes him more likely to rebel. The secon thing, almost as important is that you and you husband MUST provide a united front to your son. this means you two have to talk about prenting issues together. This may also mean some compromising by both of you. find a middle ground, for if you both love each other and the lill guy, then it should be easy to keep his best interests in mind. Even though your son loves your husband, he may feel a bit jealous of having to "share you." Once you agree to how to handle parenting issues, you must stick with it. your son WILL try to divide and conquer. It is a completely normal thing. If the two of you stick together on issues, then he will soon realize that he can't play one of you against the other to get his way, of get your sympathy. This is probably going to be harder on your husband because your son will make him feel like he does not have any parental privildges because "your not my dad."
I realize this is long but I also come from years of experience in this matter. Basicly what you are doin now is tryig to rebuild a family from the beginning and it will take time. You have to show your son that your husband is an equal decision maker to yourself. This won't change overnight, but if you follow the above advise, it will work. I am available online frequently. I can be found on both AOL and Yahoo my screen name is Shazzizme on both. Please feel free to IM or write any time. I hope things get better.
S. J
ShazzArtisticVisions.com

Hi S.,

First of all my heart goes out to you. I believe that you hit the nail on the head when you said that your husband doesn't understand your son. I was a child that had severe social anxiety. I can understand not looking at someone or responding to them when they talk. I'm trying to find a way to explain this so that it makes sense. I can still feel those strong feelings that I had as a child...even as an adult it still almost brings me to tears.

My father too left me and my mom as a child. And b/c of that, my mother kind of took it out on me without meaning to. This left me feeling as though I was not worth people looking at or speaking to me. I had extremely low self esteem that I still fight against to this day. When an adult would look at or speak to me, I feel a huge rush of emotions and embarrasment. I would feel so much anxiety and pressure that I could not bring myself to look at people b/c I felt very vunerable to them. I just wanted to cry and run away, but I knew I had to fight these feelings or I would get in trouble from my mom for being "disrespectful". From this, I also had trouble talking to people my same age. Many people just called me shy and reserved, but they had no idea what was going on inside of my little body or head.

I'm sure your son has not gone through the same situations that I did, but I can tell you that if he feels even a little of what I did, your husband doing this is going to make it 10 times worse. Anytime I would get scolded or spanked for these behaviors, I became even more introverted and reserved. I'm 26 now, and there are times I still feel myself trying to react as a scared child on the inside. I have been through lots of prayer and consuling to get over much of this junk.

I'm now married with my own son, and I know it is my job to protect him in ways that I was not protected and be sensitive if he too has any problem like this. I hope anything I have said helps! Good luck to you, your husband, and your son.

First off, I think you are right. Your husband needs to back off. If he can't deal with your son better, he should let you deal with him. Your son may not like hugging and kissing because he feels rejected by his real dad and now his stepdad. Boys don't really open up like girls to tell you what they are feeling. I am married with three daughters and one is from a previous relationship (if you would call it that). My daughter does open up though and tell me how she feels. Now my situation is different because my husband and I have been together since my older daughter was an infant. She also does see her dad and she knows he is a sorry bum, but she still loves him to death. I think you should sit down and talk to your husband and son together. Your son is old enough to do that and to open up. If your husband is acting like he doesn't want to deal with it, I would walk away. I don't like the idea of divorce, but I will not alienate my child especially in a situation as vulnerable as this. I'm not sure if you believe in God, but I think prayer changes things. You can't change your husband, but his maker can.

Wow ! I have been expereincing the same thing and my son is a little older ..12 .. so its a little worse ! I would definitely suggest counseling for you and your husband and also for your son . I know that you can call Christian Psychotherapy , they are really good !

Ok before you start thinking your son is being rude, you might want to check on some things that could be affecting him such as Sensory Integration or a Processing Disorder. The reason I say that is my 8 year is the exact same way around people and loud situations and he has Sensory Integration and Central Auditory Processing Disorder, he has been seeing a Psycologist to help with socialization and has seen an Occupational Therapist for the Sensory Integration and CAPD. I'm not trying to worry you just think you might want to check something like that out because for a child with either one of those things its really tough and making them talk to someone when they aren't comfortable is not good, believe me I know. Anyway I hope this helps and if you want to ask me more questions about this stuff feel free. Good luck!!

The description of your son sounds like the same behaviors my nephew has and he has been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I personally think that can go hand in hand with what is going on in the home. If he already has issues, such as feeling abandoned by his biological father, it does not help that the father figure in his life is being so verbally immature (calling him a brat and the yelling) Your husband needs to be part of the solution for this child not part of his problem. Yelling is not going to teach your son how to deal with his frustrations or emotions. I think some guidance by a good counselor would be helpful but your husband has to be willing to attend some meetings if thats what they suggest. Good Luck and I hope that your marriage survives and becomes stronger in what I know must be a stressful time. You have some hard work ahead of you but it will be worth it.