Parenting Help

A friend of mine had a similar problem when she read on her daughter's cell phone that she had tried ecstacy. She ordered a drug test then confronted her daughter. She put the drug test on the table and said "before we use this test what would you like to tell me" The daughter confessed everything and so her mom didn't drug test her then. But reserved the right to test at any point. I guess it worked because that was two years ago and now her daughter is graduating and going to college.

Here is an article on drug testing:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drug_test

http://www.alltestsonline.com/ - this is the place she ordered her drug tests from although it looks like they offer newer stuff now.

He knows you check his texts, right? So, I don't think it's snooping. He doesn't pay for the phone, it's yours and you have every right to look at what he's doing. You are the parent, not his friend.

I think you should use this as a point to start a dialogue to reiterate your personal family values and to ask him what he's thinking about when he reads these things. Do not accuse him of smoking pot, just ask him what he thinks about people that do. Tell him what you think of it. Same thing with other drugs or alcohol. Also reiterate your values on sex. I would probably take the phone away for a 24-48 hour period and let him know that he will lose it if he keeps texting these inappropriate things. I assume you didn't buy him the phone to text drug/sex talk to his friends. Remind him that having a phone is a priviledge and not a right. Same thing with computer.

I would not try to stop him from seeing his new friend. If you do, you will only drive him towards her and sneaking around.

I also would have this talk when you are driving somewhere in the car. That way, neither one of you have to look at one another, which is less stressful for the teen.

Also, check out:

http://www.empoweringparents.com/

Great website and free parenting advice.

sorry to hear of this stress,
to be honest it is too easy to drive him away at his age. it's about rebellion. chances are this is not all talk, he is actually doing this and probably has for a while. If u air out long enough pot will not smell on u it's natural so it goes away. i would just clue him in if he is doing it to be "cool" or whatever it won't help him at all. let him know he's great and he wants people to like him because he's a great person, good friend etc. not because he always has the pot. those aren't real friends. as far as sex u can only encourage him to be safe he WILL do it anyway, but let him know that someone can have somethin and NOT tell u , it happenes and pregnancy is self explanitory. it's hard to give too much advice on this for the most part it's a phase but I have friends who are like 30 who still do it, I don't understand why. good luck

Signs to look for with pot smoking: yes, you can smell it but it doesn't stay in the clothes if they had a chance to air out - it's not as prolific as cigarette smoke. But if he has recently smoked - you can definitely smell it. His hair may smell of smoke and his fingers would smell from handling the pot/joint. The key factor to look for is the eyes - glassy and/or red - bloodshot. Does he go directly to his room instead of interacting with the family? Its not comfortable being around family when your high. Are there lighters in his room or pockets? If so, pay attention if there is circle shaped resign stain on the lighter - it can be used to cap off the bowl on the pipe. These are just a few things you can look for...

First of all, snooping through his clothes and texts is the absolute WRONG way to go about all of this. Yes, he's your child and as the parent you have to right to check through his things, but this is a teenage boy we're talking about. The second he finds out you've been sneaking around he will shut down and never come to you for anything. You need to TALK to him. That's it. And you need to talk to him in an open and supportive manner, not an accusing one. I garauntee you that if you simply ask him if he's been smoking and let him know that you are concerned because you love him and never want any harm to come to him he may not necessarily tell you the truth, but he'll feel enough guilt that you came to him honestly and concerned that if he is doing it he'll probably begin to stop. I am not a mom, I am a recently ex-teen who had a drug problem when I was 17. My parents did exactly what you did-they started snooping and prying and going behind my back and would confront me with anger and accusations, so naturally I stopped telling them anything and started learning how to hide things better. I barely spoke to my parents for almost a year, except for the usual argument, and did drugs as often as I could almost to spite them. Finally, one day my dad came up to me and just hugged me as tight as he could and told me that he could never be more proud of me and that no matter what I did I was still the best gift he's ever recieved. I broke down, I admitted to everything, and I never touched drugs again. You'll get what you want with positive reinforcement rather than negative when it comes to this, that's the best advice I can give you.

How to Monitor Text Messages:
http://www.ehow.com/how_###-###-####_monitor-text-message...

Step 1- Get over the idea that you are spying on your child if you decide to use this program and monitor cell text messages. Yes, there is a level of respect that you need to give your child because this will foster in them responsibility and trust, however, the ultimate responsibility for safety lies in parenting. Making the decision to monitor your child's cell phone text messages might be a solution that saves them.

Step 2 - Sign up for RADAR. Copy and paste www.mymobilewatchdog.com into your browser. This program will monitor cell phone calls, text messages, instant messaging, picture messages, and email. This will enable you to be notified when your child receives any of the above, as well as have access to the content. You receive the same message as your child. Each day your child receives a message that tells them his or her content has been reported to the parent, so your child is aware of the cell phone monitoring.
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This and other programs like this costs money. If you are unable to sign up for a program like this, set up other rules for your child around the use of their cell phone, email, and computer usage. It's acceptable to have the passwords and check in on what your kids are doing. What they think is harmless information can be the perfect thing a predator needs. Make sure to have open dialogue with your family about these issues.

Also check with your cell phone provider they may offer the silimar program for parents. The only thing we are required to give our kids is food, clothing, and lodging. Everything else is a privilege we as loving parents give them.

If you put "pot smoking" in the search box on the mamapedia website you'll get a list of moms with similar problems. Good Luck!

Not sure what to do, but if/when you bring it up, you can say that the cell phone company is going to/has sent you a list of all outgoing and incoming text messages. He doesn't know if that's possible or not. And if they do it out of the blue, or if it's a "new thing" they're doing, then he won't blame you for 'snooping.' Perhaps an idea as to how to bring it up with him.

I honestly don't have texting capabilities on my phone. I'm now required to actually hold a conversation with someone on the phone.

What does your husband say? If there's never been a 'drug' or 'sex' converstation with your son, perhaps there needs to be one "out of the blue" and don't mention the text messages. I'm sure a teenage boy would rather go out with his dad for this conversation and not have mom anywhere within earshot.

I hope other moms have better advice. Hang in there mom! Oh I just read Julie's answer. She's a smart gal! Do it in the car .... smart!

I would talk to him about these things in general without coming across as accusing. Just because you love him so much! I'd limit his time with the "friends" that are influencing him. Be proactive, stay calm and be consistent. He is a minor and there are lines on what is appropriate behavior and talk. Don't be afraid of him but you can talk to him without over reacting. He'll know that you're sincere and that you care. I have two teens and if it were mine, I'd tell him that I saw that on his phone. If he is secretive, take the text option away from him for a bit. You're doing this for his good and protection, not because you're snooping into his business. Children don't think about the consequences of their actions and need us parents to step in and guide them when they're being foolish. Even if he is more careful about what you find out, confronting him will be good for him. He will learn and think twice about what he is doing than if you don't say anything at all. Love him, be honest and consistent and hold him accountable! He'll be thankful in the long run. Good luck to you and hang in there!