Parenting and Other Parents

I guess it totally depends on the scenario for me. Once when my son was mean to another (younger) child (back when he was in maybe 2nd grade) I made him go to the boy's house, knock on the door and apologize. He was mortified. He was so embarrassed he could barely speak. He never did that again. I could have said to myself, ah, boys will be boys. But kindness is very important to me. I believe if incidents keep repeating at school then there needs to be a consequence at home as well. I knew a woman a while back who always would shrug and say "boys will be boys" when her two boys were being obnoxious. Her older son was such a bully...he would hit, push, and even scratch other kids. Once I got to know them better we just said no to playdates and did not hang out with them anymore. I wonder if she ever got clued in or if her son is still such a jerk.

Kids will be kids is just another version of boys will be boys.
If parents didn't worry about what others thought about their kids we'd all be raising anarchists.

When situations happen, you discuss what went on with your child, view as many sides of it as you can (get other side(s) of the story), let your kid know if there were better ways of handling it, and tell him if something similar happens again then you hope there will be a better outcome.

It's hard sometimes to not see our children as a reflection of our parenting. I will tell you how I work at this. If I am going to take it as a reflection of me every time my kids make a mistake, then I am not recognizing them as the individual they are. You can teach, coach, discipline and in the end, the child decides how to behave. Aren't we grateful that's the case? I've had people in my life come from crappy parents (my opinion) who turned out to be amazing humans. I've seen kids who had every opportunity to be whatever they wanted, squander that, and be people I want nothing to do with.

Please let the teacher handling it at school be the end of it. You don't know the details, you weren't there. I agree with Suz that he used words and not fists and that demonstrates a level of self control. Do LISTEN to him and play out some other scenario that he can think about for the next time. If a parent thinks badly of your son for one offense, they're over the top. Ask your son questions, and hear what he has to say. Maybe he was tired, or maybe this kid is a pain in the butt.

It's a small infraction. Please keep it that way.

Not really. However, I'll share my experience with you.

One of my kids is introverted. A kid in our neighborhood would come and ask him to play every single day after school and on weekends. My kid said no now and then.

One day the mom showed up at my house and said her child was devastated and she wanted an explanation. In her mind, my son had been nasty to hers.

It was my first experience with a mom who took things way too personally and who jumped to conclusions. When I told her my kid just wasn't interested in playing every day (the kids had just met), she looked confused. It was as if it had never occurred to her there might be a reasonable explanation.

So I am aware, yes, that some parents will judge and label kids as meanies or whatever, but they aren't the kind of people I really want to bother with. My kids' friends and their families don't tend to be like this.

That friendship never really developed after that, and I was kind of thankful for that.

Generally, when my kids have been jerks (and all kids can be) there's 2 sides to every story. I don't always defend my kid - but I do listen to their side before reacting. We just talk about how to handle things more effectively. It's all a learning process.

i think we all feel that way to some extent. it's not a bad thing, when kept in perspective. that's what courtesy is, to some degree, isn't it?
the big picture is that kids will pick on each other, and they'll also retaliate. it's a nice thing that your kid responded with words and not fists, right?
in this particular situation, which is pretty minor, the teacher handled it and that's an end to it.
rather than focus on what the other mother might think (and she's probably doing the same thing you are, worrying about your perception of her as mother of a bully), spend some time pondering what you WOULD like to see him do in response.
when you think about the spectrum of possibilities for a kid who's being picked on, calling the other kid 'stupid' is actually not a half bad response IMO.
khairete
S.

Perhaps the other kid was being stupid.😉

The teacher handled it so I would not give it a second thought.

My daughter's and I talked frequently however about being nice friends, bullying, sticking up for the kid being bullied etc. We read the Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul book which I think made them more empathetic people. Kids are naturally self centered and they need to be taught it is not all about them and other kid's have feelings too.

Hi OneBusy - I want to give a helpful reply but I'm having trouble figuring out exactly what you're asking. Your son called a boy stupid at school and you are figuring that it is likely that the other boy will tell his parents and you wonder what those parents will think about your son (and by extension, about you)?

You can see many examples on this site of parents getting upset when their child is hurting. A child receives a mean text message, a child is spoken to harshly by other children - sometimes that child's parent does draw conclusions about the other child (often possibly ignoring their own child's role in the situation), and sometimes that leads to the parent making assumptions about the child's upbringing etc.

I don't think you are being "overly concerned" if you are thinking about how it will feel to have another mother label you "the mother of that little boy who called my son stupid". Just remember that SHE is the mother of the little boy who picked on your son!

I use the knowledge I have when making decisions. If your son called my son stupid at school I would take that into account if say your son invites my son over to play. I might decide to have your son over to my house instead, so I can monitor the situation, and decide if your son was just having a bad day, or regularly calls names when he is frustrated. If I hear that a child regularly acts out at school and is often in trouble, I may decide not to invite that child to join us at the amusement park for the day or for a day at the beach. I do not base my opinion of anyone on one single incident, but when I hear of an incident I know to keep an eye on the situation. I know we can all get frustrate or cranky from time to time, and sometimes say things we don’t mean. Did your son apologize? That would also make a difference.

If the situation was handled by the teacher then why do you think other parents would even hear about it at all? Do you think your child's teacher spends her precious time after school calling parents and gossiping about her students' behavior? I seriously doubt it, I'm pretty sure she has more important work to do.
Sometimes it isn't all about you, and your children. Really.

"got accused", did he?

Every mom thinks about how their child is looked at by the outside world, it's natural.

Even though the teacher handled it, I would still have a talk with my child.

I am glad the teacher handled it. I learned a long time ago that what your child does is not always refelecfive of your parenting. Trust me! Especially, if it is normal behavior for their age. In this case, this would be in the realm of normal. He is still trying to figure out how to handle situations. He still needs teachers and parents for guidance on how to handle difficult situations. He is only eight! Great learning for when he becomes an adult. I would let the teacher handle it since she was there and talk to him about the situation. Maybe talk through some ways on how to handle a situation like that next time. To me, it is how parents react to their child's behavior that is more reflective of their parenting verse a child's behavior. If it continues to be an issue, then I would call a teacher/parent meeting.

My youngest (who is eight as well) is the less cautious one of my kids and more willing to take risk. She is also my tough one and does not like to show weakness. Again, a good trait but still needs a lot of guidance on how to handle certain situations.

You are a good mom! You are present, aware of what is going on and asking questions.

Updated

I am glad the teacher handled it. I learned a long time ago that what your child does is not always refelecfive of your parenting. Trust me! Especially, if it is normal behavior for their age. In this case, this would be in the realm of normal. He is still trying to figure out how to handle situations. He still needs teachers and parents for guidance on how to handle difficult situations. He is only eight! Great learning for when he becomes an adult. I would let the teacher handle it since she was there and talk to him about the situation. Maybe talk through some ways on how to handle a situation like that next time. To me, it is how parents react to their child's behavior that is more reflective of their parenting verse a child's behavior. If it continues to be an issue, then I would call a teacher/parent meeting.

My youngest (who is eight as well) is the less cautious one of my kids and more willing to take risk. She is also my tough one and does not like to show weakness. Again, a good trait but still needs a lot of guidance on how to handle certain situations.

You are a good mom! You are present, aware of what is going on and asking questions.

I think this is like anything. There are opened mined parents who realize this can happen to anyone and there are parents/people who think their poop doesn't stink (they can do no wrong and it is the other person).

One thing that impressed me the most was when a kids (age 10) was very rude and violent gave a genuine apology to another child. I do not know if that boy does that regularly, but i have not heard that he does. Normally in a small town people know who the repeat offenders are.

FYI, being called stupid is small potatoes compared to what other kids this age say. Stupid is rude and inappropriate, yet age appropriate.