Other Working Mothers Feel like a "Babysitter"?

my kids are 2.5 and 5. and yes. i have to attend to my oldest for hrs. I try and get them involved w/chores but he can entertain himself for about 30-45 min at most w/out me. but sounds like more that you feel guilty for working (and for not wanting to play), not that they expect you to do this. and you're tired. its hard. maybe more reading stuff. or dance party and watch. you're there but kicking back.

Hi P.
I think all of us working Moms suffer with this GUILT.
When I feel like this I try to look at it this way.
My son is treated fabolously,not straving,abused,living in a safe environment etc etc etc.
There are alot of children out there(God bless them) who are not in this position.
So give yourself a break and know that your children are in a good environment and having a good life.
Give them the love and attention but don't overload them with it.
You are going out to work each day and you don't want to give them the impression that this is a bad thing.You are doing it for them.
Less of the self punishing!!
B.

P., I am a SAHM of 4, two of which are in school (4th and 1st grades), and the other two are 2.5 and (almost) 1. I can honestly say I don't play with them very much at all. This may sound like I'm a bad mom or whatever, but I've always felt it was important for them to learn to occupy themselves and that mommy isn't there just for their entertainment. Now, I'm not saying I NEVER play with them, especially the younger ones. They all know however (yes, even the baby for the most part) that if mommyis busy then they need to find something to do on their own or together. Don't beat yourself up. Do what you need to do and what you feel is right and your kids will turn out just fine :)

I play with my kids and don't necessarily want to play for 3 long hours either, however, I don't feel the need to play catchup. If I am tired one night, I am just tired, and I let them know that. The nights I do not feel so drained, then I play longer than usual. I also make homework time playful without distracting from the discipline of the work itself. I think the guilt you feel is more YOU trying to compensate for your guilt rather than the kids "feeling" that you should play with them for 3hrs or so. I am sure if you tell them (and they are old enough) that Mommy can't do it tonight, they would understand (even if they start a tantrum, they would get over it and find something else to do) Just make sure the time you DO spend is quality time. It is not the number of hours, it's the quality of those hours - 10 mins of play would do the trick if you have it done right. All the best!

I love what Bernie said, but it's so HARD to convince myself of. It's not just guilt, but I want to be there for them and play with them... so I do. However, I have noticed if I get totally out of balance and don't do anything for myself, then I'm not much "fun" to play with. The balance is so hard. Whether we are work at home or work out of the home moms, it just seems like there's never enough time... or energy. We love our kids and we do our best. You have to do what works for you... try 'scheduling' some mommy time... and maybe the playing will be more enjoyable.

you are not the only one out there!!!!! i have a 4,5,10, and 14 yr old. i found out the way to make myself feel better(because i feel they all need attetion) is to go out to eat once a week with the family, it doesnt hurt anything, you dont have to cook and you get to relax with all of them!!! and each child gets one night out a month with just you! it makes them feel special! you are not a babysitter, you are a wonderful mother who is providing for her family! when they get older they will appreciate it more than you could ever know!

Break it up some. You can give them a nice special greeting, talk with them play with them for a while then go and have a rest. So long as there is family time, family dinner at the table together and abed time routine, you are all good. It's exhausting to play for hours straight, and they don't need play, but they do need quality time, and you can' t give that to them when you are maxed out and exhausted. You can have some nights extra special with a family game night or craft night, then have other evenings that are more relaxed.

Im a stay at home mom of a 17 mo old and my 2 yr old nephew and I still feel the guilt. Who honestly want to sit and play for hours. I am trying to incorporate them in picking up toys, bringing me dishes, or even if I just put on some kid music and theyre just in the kitchen while im cooking. Ill stomp my feet and dance w them and they don't know that I'm not playing with them. I try to make everything a game like who can find the most socks in the clean laundry and it keeps them busy and helps sort shirts and socks and pants well you get it. Let me know if you need any other ideas

If it makes you feel any better I was a stay at home mom to 3 kids and I never really liked playing with them. I enjoyed taking them to parks and museums, zoos, etc. and I loved reading to them and cuddling with them but I wasn't a get down on the floor kind of mom. They had each other (as your girls do) and I made sure they had lots of playmates and interesting toys and activities to keep them busy. Spend that quality time with your girls doing something you all enjoy, perhaps making dinner together or reading or watching a movie :)

Yes! With my son only up for about 1.5 hours after we get home, there is the feeling that I NEED to play with him for that whole time. When my husband is there, he pretty much does that, but if it is just me and the kids, he is my helper, and either entertains himself, or we read a book, he watches me cook, etc. For me it is being there with him, not necessarily what we do during that time.

Just in answer to your Q about whether SAHM's play:

I'm a SAHM... and I play with my 8yo for hours every day. Typically I get about 2 hours to "myself" every day. We also homeschool... so it's not like he's gone for 8 of those 12 hours either.

Working or not, my experience is that they are never satisfied with the amount of playtime they get with me. My guilt / babysitter complex (when I worked) stemmed from the fact that I was a mom for only 3 or 4 hours a day while MY mom watched my daughter for 9 hours a day (though looking back, I don't think I would have felt like that if someone else had watched her). What I'm trying to say is we all expectations for ourselves that are set way too high and then we beat ourselves up when we can't meet them. Easier said than done, but try not to be too h*** o* yourself. The more roles we have to fill, the less time we have for each one. Now when my kids ask me to play and they ask me why I have to say no, I say "Who will cook, make sure you have clean clothes, (etc.)?" Then I tell them if they help, I'll be able to play sooner (you can guess what happens next). I feel like the little red hen sometimes.

But there are times where you just need to drop everything and play Candyland for the billionth time.

My hubby and I are both business owners. So we work full time and always have. I don't "feel" like I have to play with the kids when we get home. There just isn't that much time. We save all our "fun" for the weekends. We have a schedule that we go by every day so everyone knows what to expect. I pick up the kids from school and get home at 3:30. We get home and they have a snack and watch a little TV until 4pm. Then we do homework. Then they go play outside in the front yard while I make dinner. Then we eat. Then they have about an hour or so where we "play". Either go for a walk to the park, swim (in the summer), or play games inside. Then at 7pm they all take their showers and go to bed at 8pm. Thats our exciting week M-F

I work full-time, but it is as 3 overnight shifts per week (2 on weekends plus every Wed night). I go into work in the evening and don't get home until the next morning, and typically I need to go the bed and catch up on my sleep. I am too tired, so there is no way I can play with DD for too long, if I do at all, so you are not the only one. When I get home, she is really happy to see me - I give her a great big hug and a kiss, tell her how much I love her, and ask if she's had fun with Daddy. My hubby is staying home for now and not working, so is in charge of taking care of 3 yo DD when I am either working or napping. It sounds like a crazy schedule but it still gives me more time at home than I would have otherwise.

For the days that I am home all day and have not worked the night before, I am available full-time for DD, and those are the times I am more of a SAHM. I will tell you that I do not play with DD for hours at a time. Honestly, it would drive me batty. Usually I got enough to do around the house (cleaning, laundry, etc.) because unfortunately DH (who IS the full-time stay at home parent) can't be bothered to do anything unless I ask him to (because he is still a man and does not realize what needs to get done unless I point it out). And I can only build so many block towers and build so many forts and make so many play-doh cookies. I do play with DD, but I also figure that's what toys are for - to allow them to play with themselves. DD loves it when I play with her and we have fun together but I also believe that kids need to learn to entertain themselves. My mom was a SAHM and I can't really remember her taking the time out of her busy day to play with me - she had enough to do and I was fine keeping myself entertained, it is what was expected.

I think a lot of moms feel guilty no matter what. Moms that work feel guilty for not being there for their kids but SAHMs feel guilty because they are home but maybe not constantly giving their kids their undivided attention. I think we all just need to stop beating ourselves up and realize we are doing the best we can for our families given our situations. There are plenty of ways you can give your kids the attention and one-on-one time that they need without necessarily "playing".