Open Marriage - Sandy,UT

Well my view is that you can't fix or fill in the areas that you are lacking in by going outside the marriage. If their marriage was as strong as they say, I have a hard time seeing that they would even have any need to do this. I'm personally againist it because it will end up causing issues between the two of them. Talking about it logically is one thing but once the heart comes into play, that's a whole other ballgame. If you ask me, they are playing with fire. Again, those are just my thoughts. :)

I have a friend with an open marriage,and he is always whining about his wife/lover/other guy.... All they are doing is inviting in more squabbles and hardship and heartache, so if they are doing it to 'save' their marriage, they've got another thing coming. If they can't make it work with one person, inviting in two more isn't going to help.

I don't believe for a second anyone is going to be truly happy in that situation... anyone who says their marriage or open marriages are always wonderful is full of it ;) They may have fun for a while, but isn't it really just a distraction of confronting more serious issues, while opening up a whole new set of issues, like rejection, jealousy, guilt, trust, shame, confusion...

What if one marriage partner switches his/her lover for someone else, and actually prefers that person over their spouse... or has a few more lovers than their spouse, and what if the spouse's lover doesn't work out and they are left alone? All sorts of troubles and rules to apply to a marriage. Not to mention, how confusing it would be for any children who are who will inevitably be involved.

I have extended family that tried an arrangement something like that. They are in the middle of a divorce right now.

I am certain this will end in divorce. This isnt what marriage is about and it shouldnt be.

If you aren't solely with your spouse, what the heck is the point of being married? Ridiculous

I've only known one couple personally that have done this and it was a temporary thing. They both knew that they had urges and that he was going to be gone for a long time (military during non-peace time). They made the vow that they'd use protection and that no one would get emotionally involved. They talked every day (or as close to it as possible) and when he came home... They didn't talk about anything that had happened and neither 'strayed' after that. They had a great marriage because they were open and honest with one another.

I think that is the key... Being completely open and honest with one another. It can work if both people keep the correct mind-set.

And for the record... Would my hubby and I do that? No. But that's for us. Who am I to say what someone else (as a couple) chooses to do?

I do know a couple that did this when she felt she needed more adventure in their lives. It was temporary and it worked for them. They never stopped communicating with one another.....and I think that is important. They have been happily married for many years. Every marriage is different. I couldn't imagine a marriage where the husband has the final say. Yet it works for some people. Who are we to judge?

I had one friend do it. He told me once you let someone else in to your bed that is not your wife, you are in trouble and visa versa. There is always a jealousy, a comparison, a what if. They are still married but there was a bumby road when the wife wanted to end the open arragngement and he didn't. IMO if people want an open relationship than just don't be married and be casual with everyone... I don't see this trning out well.

I think that arrangement (on paper) might look agreeable and do-able but in reality, I doubt if it often works out the way they envision. Hopefully, either way, their marriage will be strengthened.

i am a firm believer in the fact that you can't get every thing you need from one person, but my husband fufills all the "romantic needs" i can't speak for other people but i am way to jealous of a person to be able to handle an open marriage (not like pyscho jealous but it would bother me alot to have another woman sleeping with my man) i am bi-sexual and my hubby says if i wanted to sleep with another woman he is ok with that because that doesnt threaten he manhood or whatever haha

While living in a small town, it became poblic knowledge that some adults were doing swinger parties. Well, soon after came the divorces. Many felt the shame and left town, even though they come back to see family. 20 years later or more it is still awkward for those people.
Personally, I would never allow a man to treat me this way. I believe one of the lies women tell themselves is that they can party and hook up like men.
It is against nature and God. Women get hurt far more than men in these agreements. No good can come from it and the consequences can last a lifetime.

When you have sex with someone, even if it is only a one night stand, you give a part of yourself to that person. I am not a prude, and I was not a virgin when I met my husband, but I do believe that once you are married you should only share that part of yourself with that person, if only because you should not have to worry about STDs if you are married! Now, an open marriage is better than a cheating, lying spouse, but most of the time these things do not end well. Humans are jealous creatures by nature. And what happens is she gets pregnant (who is daddy), or if he gets someone pregnant? If the couple has kids, what are they teaching their kids about love, and commitment? If I made a list of the pros (excitement of a new partner, trying new things your spouse won't do, bi-curious exploration) and the cons, the cons far outweigh the pros in my mind.

As soon as I read the title of your post, I thought, Oh no! Bad news! I know two couples who have done this. One is already divorced and the other, my sister and her husband of 21 years, are in the process of divorce. Has your friend and her husband went to counseling? They might think the other can't fulfill a need but maybe some outside advice could help. This topic breaks my heart b/c I have watched my sister's marriage go downhill since they did this several years ago. They were like a couple you would read in a book and think, that's not real; it's only a fairy tale. Nope, my sister had that and they threw it away. I hope your friend reconsiders.

Well, if they want to give it a try go ahead, it's their marriege. But if my husband would even suggest something like that I would tell him: Over my dead body LOL!
Personally I think that doesn't work at all, the moment you give affection, attention and you share intimate moments with someone else, you start moving farther and farther away from your partner, that solution can't possibly make a marriage better or stronger in my opinion.
I would look into counseling, vacations without the kids, more time alone with my hubby, a sex therapist if necessary or anything else to try to become closer to each other again instead of focusing my attention on a new person.
It wouldn't work for me at all. I am also very jealous person and I hate sharing LOL!

Pretty much everything looks "doable" on paper when you are writing out your rules and regulations. However, when the first person actually goes through with it... well, that's when you'll find exactly how "open" they both are. When it's time to revisit the situation, what happens if one thinks it's great and the other hates it?

We could never do this... I'm too jealous in that respect. I also really think that if you are missing something in your relationship then you should be focusing your energy on filling those gaps, not looking to another relationship.

There are always emotions involved when sex is a factor- no matter what people say or claim.

My husband and I have never done this. We won't consider it because we feel it wouldn't be right and beneficial in our marriage. I do know some couples where this works well for them--- It may work for your friend or it could cause a whole host of problems for them. You just never know.....

M

I've known a few friends that tried it, it ultimately didnt work out (and yep it led to divorce). It really changes the trust issues and causes esteem issues. It's better used as a fantasy, but in reality it really doesnt work in most cases. If you really love someone why the heck would you want sex with someone else? Thumbs down is my review on this topic :)

Supposedly some people are lacking enough in the " debilitating primal sting of human betrayal" nerves to be able to pull this off. And some even claim it somehow adds to their relationship. But I've only heard about those people (in french books ad movies mainly :) My friend insists that she'd be fine with her husband sleeping with someone else as long as he "told her" and she too doesn't feel she "could be monogamous for her whole life".....mind you, neither of them has cheated yet, she's not the glamorous party girl with suitors lined up down the block she was in her oh, early 20's either, and if he DID sleep with someone else I know my friend well enough to know she'd lose her mind, divorce him, and sue him for all he's worth. He's smart enough to know this too, thus took her cavalier declaration with a grain of salt. Wisely.
If your friend has been in a past relationship where her partner slept with other people and she didn't feel hurt by it, and her husband has too, and they are both open and on the same page, then voila. They'll see if it's a great idea or if it destroys their relationship. Usually it destroys the relationship, I would guess. Although, our friend works in a "swingers club" and there have been regular couples in there for years, so I guess some people dig it.

Word to the wise: Most parents in successful open marriages don't talk about it to others, and the kids don't know. It's as "taboo" a topic in parenting circles as smoking cigarettes is in certain cities (smoking is the kiss of death in parenting circles in Seattle... I've known parents for YEARS before either of us find out the other smokes... because in order to keep our kids from being shunned, we hide it).

If you want to find info from couples who have successful open marriages (open all the way, open a crack, whatever) you'll probably need to jump outside the parenting ring. Dan Savage would be a good jumping off point. And since there are yahoo groups for everything, there are probably several on the topic.

Typically, from the couples I DO know IRL who have successful long term open marriages, it's something that is ADDED to their marriage instead of trying to 'fix' something.

I had one friend who did it, and it didn't work out. But I'm sure they are occasionally successful. I would think, however, that polygamous relationships would be more successful than open relationships, because emotions are bound to develop - they might as well develop with everyone! I personally would never be able to do it. I think marriages have enough challenges without INVITING someone to interfere.

Ok so I actually know a couple that did this and it DID NOT end up in divorce. I think, but not 100% positive, that it all started due to depression, and self esteem issues.
They each had their lover (only one) and they were all friends. They had tons of fun together and really supported each other. The problem was that they were so wrapped up in this other couple and such that they sort of put their kids on the back burner. Their kids were young adults but were still affected by what their parents were doing.
This decision also happened after the wife left the family for a short time, not knowing what she wanted out of her marriage. This was a solution for them to try to stay together (what they both wanted) but explore other options.
It's not happening anymore, at least not that I know of. I think once they realized it was affecting the whole family they knocked it off, are still together, and they love each other.
I personally couldn't ever be in this situation. Well ok, maybe if all my SO's lover did was clean, that might work, but I just couldn't do it. Having more then one man in my life would just drive me nuts. LOL.

When I was a teenager I dated someone who's parents were having an open marriage. He said the most confusing thing as far as he was concerned is he couldn't keep track of all the other people his parents were dating (and he'd never be sure who'd show up at the breakfast table in the morning). It was not a very stable situation for raising a child. I don't know how long they did this, but eventually they gave it up and were just happy together.
People arrange their lives/relationships in all kinds of different ways.
It's not something I would ever do (and it sounds like a way for a lot of diseases to get passed around), but it works for some people.

Open marriage is an oxymoron.

And people who practice it are straight up morons.

I'm sorry if that classifies as mean or hateful. To me, it's common sense. As a friend, you need to open your friends' eyes to the truth that an open marriage will not meet the needs they feel aren't being met by their spouse. It will only create more problems. They should try serious, serious counseling before they throw away their marriage by "opening" it.

I seriously hate the idea of my husband being with another woman, and the fact that I would know about it would lead to my thinking about how shes touched him when we are together. I wouldn't be able to focus on just us, because the other person would be in the picture. Relationships are complicated on their own, and I don't understand why people would want to complicate it more. Instead of seeing other people, a couple should seek counseling, so that they can find other ways of re-connecting again.