Older Teens

Hi S.,

Sorry to hear of your loss in 07.
I'm a dad of four adult children and I have had simillar issues. Like Gibran said they are "children of the world"
I can only advise you to be patient and not respond with anger because it will drive your daughter away.
You probably know that already.
Letting my children go is one of the hardest things I have had to do. We love our children so much.
I lay out a spread of food and invite them over and that
way I get to see them once in a while.
Your daughter will come back I'm sure.
I don't know if my words help but I hope so.
Good luck.

B.

Hello there, Wow there are a lot of factors going on in your situation. I had a simular experience when my youngest daugther moved out at 19 too. She moved out and eloped. It was devistating. You still have your other children at home but you are experiencing empty nest syndrome I believe. Not to mention grief. It is hard to let our children go and grow. Perhaps your daughter is under a lot of pressure when she comes home? She might be staying clear because it is a lot to consume. She is going through a normal stage of leaving the nest. Either they go off to college or get serious in a relationship at this age. Seems normal enough. And even though it is terrible about her father passing, it almost seems as if a lot of pressure might be put on her to help her younger sister not feel abandoned, and truly this is not her responsibility. She is doing what is normal. And how everyone else is coping I am sure has been hindered due to the loss of their father. You all are going through a very difficult time right now and love and support is what all of you need. When I went through my daughter leaving I reached out for counciling. And it took time but it truely did make a difference. And most of all I reached out to God. With lots of prayer. I actually went to a Christian councilor to help on the spiritual end of things because that was what was broken. The Lord is always there for us. With much love and prayer, L. S.

I'm not a mother of a teen but I remember gouing threw a phase that I didn'tb spend time with my family and my sister going threw(still going)the same thing. It's a time of "discovery" when becoming an adult, being out of high school, going to college or working. when I went threw it I was trying to become independent and discovering my own values and opinions of things. I never meant to "leave" my family behind and not talk to them. I also was having fun doing my own thing as an adult withouy having to answer to anyone. Your daughter will probably come back to you in time. she might be grieving too after losing her dad and this is the way she's doing it by staying away. Let her know you're all there for her when she needs you, but try not to push to hard for her to spend time with you. I hope things get better soon.

This teenage stuff is tough. I would be worried that her health is o.k.... that she hasn't become involved with drugs or anything that would make her distance herself from you guys. In my opinion, you are doing the right thing by reaching out (quick call, text or cute card) and making sure that she knows that you are available (informal family dinners or shopping trips are wonderful). It is her job to grow up and it is soooo hard when a parent dies when you are this age (my own Dad died when I was 21). I felt a lot of guilt when I moved out of the house after college and left my Mom alone. This is a time that should be FUN, FUN, Fun and lets face it, grief is tough stuff. Could her sister call her? Just an idea......

You didn't mention if your daughter was living at home still, but if she isn't then send her a note each week with a simple message in it. She is obviously still grieving for her father and it is in a different way then the other sister. She may feel that if she gets too close to your family, something might happen to them as well. This is a common grieving response.

If she is living at home then positive reinforcement is necessary in the little things that she may do. Cook dinner together and talk about generic subjects(weather, politics etc...) when you see her.

Regarding the other daughter, depending on her age, you need to explain to her that this too shall past when her older sister puts her grief and feelings into perspective. This may take another year given her age.

Give her the space she needs, not guilt. Love and hugs go a long way.

I just read this wonderful book Season of Ice by Diane Les Becquets. It is the story of a 17 year old girl whose father dies and how she deals with the loss. It is a beautiful story. You must buy this book for your 19 year old daughter. It is about loss, acceptance and growth.

You don't say how old your youndest daughter is but maybe she could benefit from it too? Maybe you could read it to her if that seems appropriate.

Your pod needs to bond. Can you plan to take a trip together, to a cabin, somewhere where media is absent, where you can connect? Build a fire, talk, just be together. Take a hike, enjoy nature. Remember what is good, what is important- together. Those times will not be forgotten.

Just plan it, a girls trip only (no fiance) and invite them to come. Your eldest daughter needs you and your love. And yet when we offer it every day they don't always accept it. Sometimes it has to be a unique offer to pique their interest to get them to break outside of their shell, to accept your love. 19 is still a hard age. She is on the brink of adulthhood. One foot on the boat and one on the dock. She is hurting, I bet she will come.

I wish you the best-

Hi S.,
My heart goes out to you and your entire family. I am a 56 yr old woman who lost her Dad at the tender age of 20. So, I can only tell you how this loss effected my ability to make good choices for myself. Truly hindsight is 20/20, but I hope I can help. My Dad's death was quite sudden. I was living independantly, having graduated with an associates degree, I wanted nothing more than to live the life in Boston. (my first apartment was across from the Pru, above the Bulkie and Paris Cinema!!). Two days prior to his death, Dad picked me up at my work and we had dinner. I'm so glad I had that moment with him. I never got to say goodbuy.
He was only 52 yrs old. I think I was just so stunned. It was at least 6 mos later that I emotionally came to terms...he wasn't on a business trip and I was never going to see him again. I am the youngest, my siblings married, so I felt very alone. I made a lot of bad decisions in relationships, often confusing a disfunctional controlling man with what I truly was looking for, a man of strength. (my Dad was a really good guy, worked constantly, captain of all sports teams, President of High School and College student gov'ts, president of his college alumini..president of everything he touched, extemem Type A). Most of the guys I dated were controlling. My husband of 14 yrs was a dry drunk who totally controlled me. We had three beautiful children together. Divorce. Alone for 10 yrs with three kids.... The kids are great, now thru college (I paid my share, he didn't). They are all married to wonderful people and I have 5 grandkids. When I started dating again, I dated some really inappropriate people, making those same bad choices.. Then I was lucky enough to recognize this pattern. Met my hubby, genuine nice guy, not TypeA, not controlling..just nice guy.
So, the advise I'd have... don't stop trying to be close to your daughter. Don't be afraid to talk to her, she won't like what you have to say, but believe me she'll hear it. In her heart she knows she's made a bad decision and just doesn't know how to get out of it. The more he separates her, the more control he has. With internet, you might be able to keep in touch with her more. Meet her for a regular breakfast, or coffee. Have movie night with her, alone... She needs to feel safe, and she needs to know her family will help her no matter what decisions she's made. She needs help while she's in the relationship, do not wait til after when a lot of damage has been done. Economics has a lot to do with her staying. She probably needs his income. Let her know there is a place forher to stay if she needs it. If she needs a 'safe' house, go to professionals... like Independance House in Hyannis. Controlling is the beginning... violence is often not far behind. You might of tried all this...keep doing it. I wish you the best, and I wish enlightenment for your daughter. In her gut, she knows she should get away from him.
With Friendship,
L.

Hi S., I believe your best direction is to focus on yourself. Focus on enriching your own life, focus on any child you still have at home. Touch base once in a while with the one who is distancing her self, letters, e-mails, message on her phone. Let her know you are OK & that she is welcome to visit anytime, you would love to see her. However, you can't stop your daughter from growing up and making her own way. You can't protect her from life, but you can tell her that you love her all the time and leave the channels open for when she is ready to come to you and share. It may take her a while but if you move forward in your own life, find new hobbies, get out & meet people. When she does come for a visit the focus won't be all on her. And of course you will feel better as well. - W.

I am not a mom of an older teenager, but I was one not too long ago myself. I think her age and the circumstances regarding her dad's death has caused her to go out on her own, so to speak. I am really sorry to hear about her dad. Looking back I found most of my friends and I did the exact same thing at around that age. It usually lasts for awhile and then when she has found her independence and herself she will come back to you. It's not that she doesn't care about you or her sisters, even the youngest, it's just that she has so much to learn about herself during the transition from teenager to independent adult that she is focused on her own feelings and development, not intentionally. My advice would to not push her, just be there for her whenever she needs you, and she will be okay. Also you can try to explain sensitively to your girls what she is going through.