NYT Magazine Article - Opting Back In

Bottom line: Kids grow up. What are moms planning on doing with themselves once the kids are grown up and moved out?

Being a SAHM is great if you can do it....but there's a good case for education and job experience to be made in this article.

I tried to read it. It seems rather pointless. You should know the risks when you make the decision to stay at home. So what is the point? Don't quit your high paying job because you could end up divorced? I mean that seems to lack, and the women seem to lack the ability to quantify the benefits of staying home with their kids. Or maybe they couldn't because they weren't doing it for the right reasons.

What I mean is you don't have kids to prove you can have kids and a career, they are not an accessory. So then you do that so you take the next step, I can give up my career and raise kids. Um, still not about the kids. Then she figures out that it isn't fulfilling in the same way work was. Well duh! Kids will not blow sunshine up your butt to get you to push out that last bit of work product.

Granted I just read, sort of, the first person's story but I get the feeling she has doing nothing in her life for the right reasons. Seems like some demons are on her tail. Now she is claiming she is happy because she pays for her own apartment, how long is that high going to last.

So before this becomes a long hard read, my point is these seem to be really bad examples of how women move through life. I would like to think that most of us are more emotionally healthy than at least the first woman.

Yes I did read this today. It was long and as you concluded, there was no real consensus or call to action, but I thought it gave an interesting look at how things really worked out for a group of women who were very proudly and visibly off ramping from career to full-time motherhood 10 years ago. Some were lucky enough to get back into the workforce when they wanted to, some need to work but haven't found anything or are only able to find freelance or part-time work at a lower pay rate, some were shocked back into the workforce at a lower pay due to divorce, etc. I found it interesting that several of the women who were in the media spotlight 10 years ago wouldn't return calls or participate in the follow up and others would only talk anonymously. I also found the angle about how opting out affected marriages to be interesting.

Overall I thought it was interesting, worth reading, and pretty balanced. I read it expecting a bit of "ha! So now you want back, eh?" snarkiness but didn't pick up anything like that at all. I think the main message at the end of the day still stands - don't leave yourself in a position where you are 100% dependent on someone else and have no back up plan. I also thought it was worth noting that the ones who slipped back into the workplace with ease were women who went to power schools, had power jobs, and did "power" volunteering while at home - I think the article used examples of running fundraisers for a private school in Manhattan vs. running the soccer bake sale in the suburbs. The more "ordinary" moms had a harder time re-connecting to the workplace and getting back in at a position and salary comparable to what they left behind.

ETA: @Bug, did you read the article? I think one of the takeaways was that for many of the women interviewed, they also thought that if and when they wanted to work, they would. And were shocked to find that when they wanted or needed to work, they couldn't find something that was commensurate with their education and experience. These are women who are highly educated and were highly paid when they left the workforce. One woman made $500K a year at her peak and is now working for $50K a year because that's all she can get. These women had excellent education and job experience and it still wasn't enough after they opted out.

I didn't fully read the whole thing but I guess I missed the part where she talks about how rewarding it was to spend those formative years with her kids. In fact in the first story the Mom barely mentions her children.

You don't quit a high level business job you enjoy because you and your husband can't agree on who will do the laundry. She didn't quit because of a longing to spend more time with her kids she quit because they needed help around the house more then they needed her income. That was a BIG mistake. She clearly filled her time with volunteer work because she missed the responsibility and environment of her job. Surely bright, capable, professional women can figure out how to work and raise children, I know many who are doing it well.

I also know some bright, capable, professional women who did not take time off to raise kids but still cannot find a job that carries the same status and pay that the job they LOST did. No level of education or job experience guarantees that, it's tough out there right now!

Who says you can't be a SAHM and continue your education and experience? I certainly have. My husband makes the majority of money right now, but my existence has never been dependent on anyone in the past or now. If I want to get back in the workforce I can and will. I don't want to right now, so I don't. If I have to get back in the work force, I will.

I have far more education then most women I come across. Pretty good for someone who isn't supposed to be able to so that staying at home. (Snark intended.)

ETA: It's certainly not directed at you!! I am sooo not defensive. I was responding to the comment that there is a case for education and job experience. I think it's down right silly and rude to assume anyone (man or woman) staying at home can't have valuable job and education experience.

I skimmed a good chunk of this article and have to say-- I do wonder if a lot of the problems the women faced couldn't have been addressed or worked through with a marriage counselor. Or if people had been honest with themselves and their spouses.

Change in any relationship requires a lot of communication, a lot of give and take. I have to be honest; I worked in child care in the years before having my son. That was my profession and I did well in it, and I have left that profession by choice to focus on my family. I don't love the housework part of it, but isn't there something intrinsic to nearly *every* job that someone doesn't care for? I do the stuff I don't care for out of that same work ethic that I had when I was running my own preschool. A strong work ethic is essential to any job, whether it be a CEO or a homemaker. For now, I work on supplementing my son's education and keep the house and garden, volunteer at his school when it's in session. This fall I will be a substitute teacher at my son's old preschool. (Interestingly enough, it is not steady work, but daily pays more than running my own preschool did!)

I have more to give my family in my present state than I did when I was running my own business, and we are all happier for it. It makes life better for both my husband and son. Not because it's my 'job' to do what is sometimes considered 'women's work' but because there's less stress when Kiddo is sick-- it's already a given that I will be able to stay home with him. The housework gets done in the day and my husband and I can better enjoy our evenings together as a family.

I have also seen the women I worked for as a nanny deal with the struggle of re-entering the work force and know that for professional women, they do often take the hit described in the article. This wasn't a surprise. One mom I know had to start her own social change business consulting company and travel three days a week from Portland to Seattle to teach social change business with a co-teacher in order to regain some of her credentials and get her resume back up to snuff. She did this for two years and yes, it did take a toll on her family.

Overall, I think acceptance is the only answer if one really wants any sort of answer. Accepting where we are in life, the choices that we made to get there, and that all choices have pros and cons. Some are more difficult to deal with than others, some are more rewarding than others. Every woman has to do what's best for herself AND her family as a whole. I believe we make *that* particular decision when we choose to have a child. Once I had my son, it wasn't just about me any longer-- it became about us.

ETA: I have to agree with Doris's comment. It was just what I was thinking.. Why aren't there these sorts of 'warning' articles directed at stay at home dads and the experience they might have returning to work when the kids are older?

I thought it was interesting and unsurprising how it was easiest to get back to work if you were wealthy and well-connected with a supportive spouse, degrees, and a top notch career behind you (and almost seemed to not need a job but just felt a little more fulfilled if you went back to work). It was distressing to see how rough it is for women who really need the money.

There are no guarantees in life. My best friend is childless and has been a corporate powerhouse since I've known her for the past 20+ years. Her last job paid $500,000+. Her current job pays under $100,000. The old company went under. There were no jobs like that left when she was hunting. She's never taken time off yet her situation is the same as for women who took time away for family.