No Respect from Teenager

There both of age, ask them if they would like to leave or get on board with being respectful adults. If the answer is no and still disrespect, pack their bags, change the locks.

You've had the "rights" for a long time and let them do what they wanted...it's now time for TOUGH LOVE. If you need help, call or go on line with the Tough Love organization.

I lived in my father's home until I was 23. Although he did not ask for rent, I helped buy groceries, and would leave 20s lying around then claim they were not mine. :) I did not have a curfew, but because I knew he still waited up until I got home, I would always call if I wasn't coming home - and this was before cell phones so I knew where all the payphones were located. It was because I respected him.

I have a 16 year old. He knows that after he graduates high school he has limited options - 1. go to college full time, work part time, and live at home. 2. work full time, save and move out in 6 months 3. join a volunteer program, like AmeriCorps for a gap year. This is it. These are his options and he has known about them for years. He is fine with it and we often speak of his future plans.

He has been doing his own laundry since he was 12, he helps with the household chores, and mows the lawn. This summer he has gotten his first job - work 30-35 hours per week, and has even offered to pay for new glasses for me or help pay the mortgage one month.

So, if your daughters are 19 & 20 and not helping around the house, or contributing money, or going to college, etc. it time to change the rules. They are young adults, and as such, should stepping up in the household.

It is hard to realize that our children are not children anymore. But the only way to get them to fully grow up is to begin treating them like adults with the responsibilities inherent to adulthood.

Sounds like both need a dose of reality. Do either of them have jobs? If not I would insist they both get jobs like yesterday. Secondly, you have every right to enforce a curfew as long as either one is living under your roof. Your house, your rules. Tell them if they want to start paying rent then they can come and go as they choose, but until that time or when they move out, their asses belong to you. If the behavior continues, stop providing anything extra in their life. Provide food and shelter. Anything else they must provide for theirselves. If I were in your shoes, I'd be telling them to move out. I won't tolerate disrespect.

I lived with my parents until I was 20 and while I lived under THEIR roof, I had to obey THEIR rules. That meant checking in if I was going to stay at my boyfriend's house, doing my share of the housework, and contributing financially when I was working (I'd pay the cable bill). I didn't have a curfew, only because we live in the country and there's no where to go! haha

As long as my daughter (17) lives in MY house she knows that she will go by MY rules. It is that simple.

As for respect.... if you treat people with respect, you get respect.

Model the behaviors you desire your children to have. At 19 and 20, they are basically grown up by now and you have every right to have them move on. Are they in college? Are you still supporting them?

Cut off some of your support if needed. They are old enough to hold down jobs, pay minimal rent, pay for their own things such as phones,etc.

I am more lenient with the job route because our daughter will be going to college but I've have not had the issues you describe.

if 'all those years' you have 'done so much for them' you have trained them to treat you this way. you can't expect kids to magically act like grown ups when they turn a certain age.
when my boys turned 19 they were way past the stage where i 'let' them hang out with friends. they let me know what was going on because it was a courtesy i expected and they were happy to give. we didn't need rules about it because mutual respect was already established.
they did their own laundry from the time they were pre-teens. stop doing their laundry.
what do you mean 'help keep the house picked up'? if one has cleaned the kitchen and the other the living room but you're still not happy, how are they supposed to know what you do mean?
if you know you did a good job with them, why do you feel a curfew is appropriate? i suppose you have the 'right' but why is there a need?
it sounds as if you feel unappreciated and the girls feel stifled. a good airing out and redefining of everyone's changing roles in the family is probably called for.
khairete
S.

20 is not a teenager.

You expect respect, but you are not treating them like adults. 18 and 20 are technically adults. It's scary to let go, but NO, they should not have a curfew at that age. This is their time to learn how to navigate the real world.

If you can't handle not knowing where they are every second of the day, then it's time for them to move out, so you won't have to worry so much.

You ARE overprotective. At what age are you going to feel comfortable with them dealing with all the "crazy and sick" people out there? 22? 25? Mothers always worry.

If you did a good job with them, like you say, then you have to trust that they can make good choices in the world. How are they supposed to learn if you don't loosen the apron strings? You probably will have a really hard time stopping being overprotective, so you might have to tell them that you can't stop being overprotective, so if they don't like it then their only option is to move out.

As far as not helping around the house goes -- if you can't make them do it, and you don't like it -- have them move out.

Kids really need to move out of the house once they are done with high school. It's healthier for everyone.

My rules are: college, military, or move out. There was not choice. I instilled these choices in her for many many years. She chose college, graduated in May and now has her own apartment. She is 22 and we have a great relationship. I was tough on her but only for good reasons and she understands it now.

You can give her a curfew BUT she doesn't have to listen, they are adults. The way to make her listen is give her an ultimatum; school, military or move out in 3 months. You can change the locks too. So if they want inside the house they have to ring the bell, but it HAS to be when you are awake otherwise they don't get in.

Give your girls some direction otherwise they will be losers in life and take you down with them; it's already starting.

I suggest you all 3 sit down and discuss what the expectations will be, if they continue to live in YOUR house.

Rent. They each need to pay something per month. We are charging our daughter $200. Per month. We actually are putting this money in savings to give her when she is ready to move out.. But you can keep this to help pay your bills.

They need to pay for their own cell phone bills. If they do not pay when do, call and have their service turned off.

And you will no longer be purchasing groceries for all of you, unless the house is kept up with.

Put a lock on your bedroom door, so they cannot go rummaging through there for any of your belongings. Not that they do this, but in case you get a mini fridge for your own food, they cannot get to it.

Each of you must inform each other when you are expected home. Our daughter and her friends in college always did this for safety reasons. If the person is not home by a certain time or has not called, you will each know there is a prbem and you will begin trying to track them down. This includes you mom. If they are staying out over night,you all need to know about this and be able to reach them in case of emergency.

If they have cars, they will pay the insurance and the gas. If they borrow your car, they must refill to the amount it was when they left the house.

Each of You will no longer do anyone's laundry but your own. If someone is doing whites and would like to offer the other 2 ladies to add their whites, that will be fine.

It is a privilege for them to live with you. If they cannot or do not want follow these expectations, thy need to find a new pace to live.

Be strong.. Do not let anyone take advantage of you or take you for granted...especially your children .

My oldest son just turned 18. He is taking a gap year before college to work on his music. He discovered musical theater and guitar in high school, and would like to study music engineering and production once he feels more proficient (since he didn't take lessons all his life - and he's already quite good imho).

So . . . we are in an odd situation too. He leaves in a week or two to spend a month with his dad. I've already started telling him that when he returns things are going to be a bit different. He needs to do his own laundry. No more rides to and fro (he has a permit but not a license due to insurance costs). He has to pay for his own auto insurance (therefore get a job). He needs to learn how to prepare some meals for himself. Basically he needs to be doing the things he *would* do if he were away at school.

I can really empathize with your situation. It's so hard to detach yourself emotionally but you have to. Otherwise their growth is stunted (and subconsciously they know that which is one reason why they're so difficult). It's hard to appreciate what your mom does for you unless you've had to go and do it YOURSELF!

If you can't detach, and encourage that growth, it might be best for them to leave home and get on their own. I'm ready for that option if need be (though secretly I will be so sad).

Just keep thinking about what is best for these young adults. They're not always going to like it but you have to do it.

S.:

All of your children are legally adults. They need to move out. If they want to stay under YOUR ROOF - they will pay rent and follow the rules.

The 20 year old needs to be out on her own. She wants to be an adult - so be it. Go get yourself an apartment and be gone. You are an adult. Fly the coop!!

The 19 year old? Get an apartment.

YOUR HOUSE. YOUR RULES. they don't like it? They can go find their own place since they are now LEGALLY ADULTS. Since you have "done so much for them" over the years - you have taught them how to treat you. It will be hard to break this cycle. You will have to stand tall and firm. No more doing for them - they are legally adults.

They walk all over you because THEY CAN!!! You have coddled them. You have allowed them to run roughshod and rule the roost. NOW you want to take control? Little late.

You say you've done a good job in raising them? So let them be adults. Tell them they don't like your rules? They can leave. They are legally adults. Raising a child isn't just about not sleeping around, dressing tacky - it's teaching them personal responsibility. It's teaching them how to care for themselves - food preparation, ironing, laundry, basic life skills - my 9 and 12 year old know how to do laundry - separate, wash, dry, fold and put away. No, they don't do their own laundry - but they KNOW HOW. Teaching them how to manage money. The difference between right and wrong.

Change the locks. Tell them that if they cannot abide by your rules, since they are legally adults - they are now free to find their own way in life. If they say "they can't" - then fine - stay. Here are the rules. This is the rent that is due. MY HOUSE. MY RULES. It may be a little late to try and exercise control.

My daughter, age 26, moved out on her own at 18. She went away to college. She moved back with her dad and his wife. They charge rent. She doesn't like the rules? She is more than welcome to leave. She can come live with me. She knows this as well. She will pay rent and follow my rules. Simple. I do like what my ex's wife is doing with her rent money (and my daughter does NOT know this) she is putting it in an account for her so when she is ready to buy a home - she will have a down payment).

Good luck. You need to establish rules. If they don't want to follow them? They are free to leave. They are legally adults!!

GOOD LUCK!!

They are young adults and need to be treated as such. If they have been raised well, as you say, then you should feel confident that they know how to handle themselves in the world.
My son (19) just came home from his first year in college. Although we still pay for his basic expenses (clothing, food/shelter, cell phone) he is working full time this summer so he has money for whatever else he wants or needs. He doesn't have a curfew but he does let me know where he's going and when he'll be home. Not because I demand it, just because I LIKE to know where he's at.
I suggest you cut the cord, and lengthen the leash. Your girls are young women now, they need both freedom AND responsibility in order to grow up.

When I was 18 & 19 living at home I had to work and go to school or move out. I did not have a curfew but I called if I was going to be super late or stay at a friends house.

They should either be in school or working at 19 & 20. It sounds like you have enabled them and like you said, you are paying for it now. You now will have to endure some rough times to get to the good times. You need a firm hand, be consistent and fair. Sit them down and work things out together as best you can, if they choose not to participate in this new journey, then you will need to give ultimatums. AND stick to it! Good luck!

Are they going to college or working? I probably would charge them rent if they don't want to live by your rules. Even if they pay rent, I think you have the right to assign cleaning duties, and they should do their own laundry. You can let them know what your expectations are and if they can't live by them, they can go get their own apartment (perhaps they could move in together somewhere).

Don't get mad, just lay down the rules. Perhaps put something in writing and give it to them. Take your emotions out of it.

How about this as a thought...

At 19, I'd already been in the military 2 years.

I was jumping out of airplanes, setting off explosives, not wearing a seatbelt (hummers don't have seats, you just kind of wedge in, or sit on crates of ammo), cooked, cleaned, bought a car (got scammed), and had been a fully functioning ADULT for 2 years.

And you won't even give your 19yo the right to come and go? Impose a curfew? Don't want her to meet with friends?

To me, this makes as much sense as doing the 'airplane' and still spoon feeding them. They're being treated like little kids.

Your children are grown.

They have no reason to act like it until they're treated like it. Encouraged to make mistakes and learn from them. Allowed to find their own limits.

You're not letting them be adults.

Sit down with them and have a family meeting. Let them know that you have decided that now is a good time for you to transition from being their mommy to being their mom (or however you want to word it - keeping it light-hearted). Start with compliments of how proud you are of them that they are not dressing like sluts, sleeping around or doing drugs. This will let them see that you are not going to attack.

Ask them what they think is reasonable for them to do to contribute to the family chores. They will feel like they are being treated as adults. Even if they have a job outside of the house, they need to contribute to the cleaning, etc. After they have spoken, tell them what you agree with and what you would like to add. Be sure to tell them what were good ideas.

Then let them know that they can do their own laundry now and clean their bathroom and bedrooms. (Maybe this is already the case.) They will need to come up with a schedule that works for them on the bathroom they share. (Don't decide that for them.) If they complain that they shouldn't have to clean or that they don't want to as often as you'd like (or don't have time, etc.) then let them know that you will be available for pay. Remain calm, serious and very matter-of-fact. Let them know that they need to be prepared for the real world and that is how it is done. Lots of people can't or choose not to clean their homes and pay to have it done. There is nothing wrong with that.

Let them know how often you need stuff cleaned. If one or both of your daughters is like mine, you cannot tell them to go clean. It made my daughter resent having to do it. Instead, I would tell her I needed it done by Saturday and when would she be cleaning the bathroom, for example. If she had a choice in the matter, things went much more smoothly with my reminders.

Ask them what the consequences should be if they don't get their chores done. You'd be surprised what good ideas they might come up with. If dishes don't get done, my son thought they shouldn't get to eat.

Let them know that they no longer have to have a curfew but they need to let you know when they expect to come home. If they will be late, they need to call you. Tell them that you have this mom gene that will worry about them even when they get old and gray. You can't help it. Keep it humorous. Whenever they complain about you being over-protective, just SMILE and agree with them. Say something like, "I know! It just came with the job!"

Any time they throw insults at you (or something that feels insulting or disrespectful) don't let them think it phases you one bit. Just smile and agree or give a sarcastic response. For example, my kids stopped saying anything was unfair, because I repeated the EXACT same words EVERY time until they got sick of it. I said, "You're right! Life is unfair and the sooner you figure that out the better off you are going to be!" I can't wait until my kids start to tell that to their kids... I know they will because it works!

They will see a new mom and will start to give you more respect. They may still slip up once in a while. That's what kids do, no matter how old they get. For the most part, though, they will respect you for calmly setting the rules and not backing down from them.

I have not gone through this as the parent, but will be in the next year. My parents home had the rule that full time school or work allowed free room and board, but once I turned 18 I was responsible for my own laundry and gas. I was taught to appreciate what I had been blessed to receive and work even harder to deserve more out of life. This is the lesson I hope my daughters will learn as well. It has served me well through life. Good luck, blessed circumstances and the right connections are all fine and dandy...but the only thing you can count on is working hard and being rewarded for that hard work. This is what your daughters need to be taught.

My mother always told me that if you want to be treated like an adult then you should act like one. I lived with my parents when I was 20 to about 22 and I had rules I had to follow including a curfew. It was much later than it had been when I was a kid but it was out of respect for them. During the week it was 10 unless I was working later because they had to go to work in the morning and on the weekend it was usually 2am although if I was going to be later I was to let them know so they knew if they needed to worry or not. Again it's out of respect. I also had chores that I had to do around the house. They were putting a roof over my head and food in mouth the least I could do was help around the house. My brother eventually moved back in and he wasn't as good about it and my parents had to sit him down and have a talk. It was basically here are the rules and you can choose to follow them and be welcome to stay or you can choose to find your own place and you can make up whatever rules you want but you need to decide. I think they even gave him a deadline to decide. Needless to say he chose to stay there and follow the rules.
Best thing to do is have a talk going over what you expect from them curfew, chores, or if you want them to pay rent. Whatever you decide. Let them know that you are trying to treat them like an adult and give them respect but they need to do the same in return. And let them know that if they choose not to follow the rules then they are welcome to leave. They have to know there are consequences and that you will follow through with it. If they say then they'll just move out then hand them a paper of apartments for rent. Tell them to let you know if they have trouble locating an apartment bc you are more than happy to help them find one. If they know your serious then a light bulb may go off or they move out for a little while and realize how good they had it. Good Luck and stand your ground

I suggest you start treating them like young adults. They arent exactly teens anymore so much. Start by teaching them life skills. Teach them how to do there own laundary. You should not be doing this for them. It might work out easier if you bought the individual packaged detergents. All there own ironing and (healthy )cooking. These are life skills it dosent sound like they know yet. What does it really matter checking in with you if ten mins after check in a creep comes up to them and they dont know what to do. You absoultely have every right to set rules ( curfew ) for anyone staying in your house. I have to agree with your girls that you arent treating them like young adults when you pick up there dirty clothes do there laundary and allow them not to help around the house. I would set out a chore list. Not a chore chart but daily tasks that need to be completed daily. Tell them they are now in training to become young INDEPENDENT adults and these are the skills they will need to live a healthy lifestyle. Great job on teaching them about modisty, and values. Let them loose with responsiblity

I think you have several issues going on here- 1 adult children living in your house, adult children taking advantage of you.

I think its time for some tough love.

Sit both down and say something like- I know you are both adults now and that you think you are immune to the house rules. But, if you are going to live here, then there are certain expectations. Lay out those expectations. Tell them that if they don't like them, they are welcome to go out on their own.

As for a curfew... that's a tough one... there really is no way you can enforce it. They are adults, officially... trust that you raised them right.

I would also STOP doing things for them. They are old enough to make their own meals, do their wash and clean up after themselves.

Good Luck