Neighbor/Friend

Most likely she feels that you think that her boy is at fault. That young, 6 months can be a HUGE age gap in development for kids. You both need to realize that. What does your son think? Does he like this child?

Please do not "leave a present on their doorstep", that's an incredibly passive-aggressive thing to do. Take it over, knock on the door, give it to the girl and wish her a happy birthday. This is only going to get weirder and weirder if you continue on this way. Make the first move. I know you don't feel you did anything wrong, but obviously, she does. Be the "bigger man" and apologize. For the sake of the kids.

IMO, it is never a good idea to analyze other people's children (and have them analyze yours) in direct conversation. Neither boy is doing anything wrong, their personalities just don't mesh. All the arguments you make about her son she could make about yours. Hers is too rough, doesn't know when to back off. Yours is too shy, needs more socialization. See what I mean, doesn't feel good either way. Nothing can divide friendships like differing parenting styles and kids behavior. You want to salvage it for the kids? That seems counter-productive. Do the boys even want to play together? Maybe you could approach her about continuing your friendship on a different level, one that doesn't always involve the children. See how it goes. Otherwise, I would still try to "clear the air" so that neither of you feels uncomfortable in your own neighborhood.

If you are wanting to continue the relationship, do leave the present, and leave small card. I would be very thoughtful in my wording, don't make assumptions, and try to leave the door open. (I'm suggesting a card because email tends to invite an immediate response and you want her to be thoughtful too.)

"I will say that I think the whole thing has been handled poorly and I valued our friendship more than she does evidently...... "

You are making an assumption regarding what she does/doesn't value. She might feel very upset about this: she doesn't know exactly how to 'solve' this problem and may feel her parenting skills/knowledge are being attacked. People who start to feel terrible as a parent or judged can be very hurt. Remember, at some point there was a discussion in which you asked her to change the subject so you wouldn't get upset. I'd take that as a blaming move, not a neutral one. You likely thought you'd just changed the subject and moved on. And you did get the last word by doing that. She might have been deeply offended that you took control of the conversation, no problem-solving was achieved, and that in order to momentarily keep the peace, she lost her 'voice' in the discussion.

I know, on my end, that it's hard to have a more docile child sometimes. My son gets dragged around by the arm at preschool; my husband noticed this and asked one of the teachers (who I trust implicitly), who replied that they were working with our son on asserting himself. It wasn't the answer my husband wanted to hear, but she had a point, at some time, our son is going to have to start to stand up for himself with his peers. It's true, we don't like to see our kids getting pulled around or being overwhelmed by other children, and I have had to learn not to step in and correct the more physical child, but to encourage the more submissive one, "You look upset because he's grabbing your arm. If you want him to stop, look at him and say "Please stop. I don't like that." We were role-playing a little bit in the car with our son earlier today, and it's *work*. He really has to be given a lot of coaching "use your strong voice, tell me so I can hear it" to be assertive.

I hope everything works out.

Your neighbor thinks you are attacking her son. She probably thinks you think he is a bully. Your neighbor needs to teach her kid to stay out of someone's face. It is not your sons fault at all. He is 3.5 and shouldn't have to defend himself or tolerate this other child. Don't leave a present on the door for the little girl. Send her the email but don't appologize. You didn't do anything wrong. She sounds like a baby and you may be better off not having contact with her and her son. No need to get yourself and your husband all upset over how this little boy acts.

i feel that the way you want to handle it sounds pretty good. and it also shows that you really do value her friendship! hope everything works out! best wishes!

I can't really advise you on whether the friendship is over. I it probably worth trying to talk to her and resolve things. If you talk to her try and stick to your feelings and don't try and put words I her mouth.

I have a kind of similar situation with a family I am friends with. My son is older and a very rough and tumble, in your face kid. As a parent I find it frustrating because he is really hard to reign in some times. I also feel like a "bad mom" because it is so hard to get him to listen and behave appropriately. I'm his mom and even I think that sometimes he acts like a bossy little bully. My son is 5 now and 2 years of preschool have done a huge amount for his social skills but there is still room for improvement. Anyway, maybe that gives you some insight into her side of things. As I said at the beginning I have a friend whit a son who is about 18 months younger and a totally different personality (shy and quiet). It was really hard when we had playdates because such close supervision was needed. We kept trying because we are friends and needed the chance to socialize even more than the kids did. If we had only been friends because of the kids it may not have been worth it to try and push such different kids into being friends.

Please reconsider the last few sentences of your post. I agree that leaving a present on her doorstep is in poor taste. Also, if you are going to e-mail her, you should only state how you feel, not make assumptions about how she feels or how much you feel she does or does not value your friendship. I would e-mail her, "I am sorry we have been at odds lately. I would love it if you could come over for tea and we can try to find a happy place to coexist. I don't think either one of us is expecting the other to carbon copy parenting styles, but I do think we should be able to communicate and I would love to work on that with you."

You don't know exactly what's happened, so the only recourse you have is communication or write her off. Writing off the friendship means no e-mails, no presents on the doorstep. The friendship is past tense, on to the future.

I haven't had to deal with this, but I want to remember not to "make" my kids be friends with my friend's kids. My husband has AWFUL memories of having to play with the most obnoxious kid when he was young because his mom with friends with the other kids mom.

So if these kids don't really mesh, stop forcing it. If they like to play with each other but are different styles, accept it, and talk to each of them about it on their level. If they really don't like to play with each other, then schedule girl time alone. Once you figure out what the kiddo wants re. the other boy friendship wise, then deal.

I just went thru this with my son and a kid from his class. They basically are "best friends", but completely different. Mine son is very active, loud, big, typical "boy". His friend is small, quiet, analytical, quiet, shy, etc. But for some reason they LOVE each other. Well, problems arose and the bottom line is we just had to limit their time with each other. Maybe that will work for you. I would email her and tell her if the boys want to be friends, they shouldn't be punished because you two can't get along. See if you can come to some kind of compromise. the bottom line is each of your boys are very different and thats ok, they just need to be told that they need to make allowances for others personalities and try to get along. If they can't do that (they are young) then they don't need to be friends. Just my opinion. Good luck!