Needing Some Advice - Carol Stream,IL

This is really not about you or him, or how you feel about him. This should be about your child, what is best for the child, and unless the father is abusive or neglectful, what is best is having some kind of relationship with his father. You may not like this man right now, but you are co-parents of that boy, and he loves his father just as much now as he did before you broke up. Think about that child, how hurt he will be if his father walks (or is pushed) out of his life. You said you do not think the father should have any say in what goes on with YOUR son, but the fact is, that is HIS son as well, and he has equal rights, and has every right to go after 50% 50% custody if he wants, not just a few visits. Think about what is truly best for your son, and put any hard feelings you have to the side.

I really can't offer you any advise but I did want to tell you that I am glad that you broke up with your boyfriend. When you are ready to start dating again, I hope that you hold out for someone who has a lot more going on and who loves you and your son and can take care of the two of you. However this breakup ends up play out, I wish you and your son well.

You have to realize that he is the father of the child which makes him equally responsible but he also has equal rights when it comes to raising his son, which includes having him overnight. I think if he wants to be involved in his son's life you should let him unless you have a very specific good reason to shut him out in which case you should get some sort of court order so that he cannot see his son (smoking pot in his 20's is not a good reason, in my opinion).

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. First off, do you realize how big of a mistake that hookup was? He sounds like a super huge big mess and you stayed with him all that time and had him around your son all that time. You have created a bad position now because when your son grows up, he will yearn to know what dad is like if you keep them apart. Unless of course you find a wonderful man who is the opposite of this loser and loves your child to bits.

I'm not sure what you are afraid of unless you do things that you know a mom shouldn't do. If so, cut it out for your child's sake.

No court would order you to let him stay at your home to visit your son. The court knows better than that.

Could he mess with you? If he had money, he could fight to be the child's guardian and try to show he's more fit than you. Even if he couldn't, it could be ridiculously costly in court. Or, if he wants you back or his son back or doesn't want to pay child support, he could make your life miserable for a few years. Perhaps you'd have to move away if he is persistent.

If he's not into his child, if he is a bad person, then forget child support from him adn consider yourself lucky. Make strides for your own income, education, whatever so you can support the two of you and be the kind of person that a really good man would want to be with.

Even though I didn't say all this gracefully, I mean to help with a little "tough love."

WHAT? "I dont think he should have a say in anything that goes on with my son" It's his son too! If he was such a bad guy, you shouldn't have had a child with him and been with him for the last 4-5 years. You can’t throw his past up in his face if you knew all of that while you were with him.
He has a right to have time with his son and his son deserves to have a dad in his life. My daughter goes to her bio dads every other weekend so I know how hard it is when they are not with us but you cannot keep him from his dad, you said yourself he's a good dad. If her dad stopped paying child support, I would still let her see him b/c she loves him and vice versa. I would deal with him through the courts about the child support and not hurt my daughter.
I don't mean for this all to sound mean but you are only going to hurt your son if you keep him from his father. If you don’t want to go to court, you need to try to work visitation out with him now and child support. My ex and I did not go through the courts, we agreed to visitation and child support on our own and it has worked out for the last 5 years.

I am sorry that you are going through this. But I have to agree with the sentimentality that you had to know what you were doing when you started sleeping with him and became pregnant. I've tried SO HARD to train my daughters to have more respect for themselves and my future grandchildren than that. There's nothing we can tell you to get your own way. He is the father and he has rights.

You broke up with him and not you do not want you son to have a relationship with his father?? That's really not fair to your son or the father. I understand how difficult it is to share a child. Good luck.

I would consult a lawyer. Since you were living together and felt safe enough for him to be around your son, you might have a hard time getting a court to not grant him overnight visitation, especially if he's living with his mom and there will be another adult in the house.

As for him paying child support, that one will be tough. Usually the first child gets a higher level of support than 2nd children and so on. So if the first child is getting $30 a week, your child might only get $20 a week. Laughable, and not worth the court costs. As for him not contributing while you were living together, there is no rule or law that says that a parent has to contribute x number of dollars per month for the child. Its sort of a given since they are living in the same house.

unfortunately, even if he doesn't pay, he has a right to see his son. Is it unfair? Yes. But, go after him for child support. His mom will eventually wake up and tell him to get a job and when he does, you'll get your piece of the pie. Please do not let him get away without paying. My girlfriend took her ex to court and for years he didn't pay. He now finally has a great job and the money is automatically taken out of his paycheck. He also owes her back child support so even after her son turns 18, she'll still be getting paid.

You deserve better than him and his mom needs to wake up and stop making his life easy.

Good luck.

Every state is different. Is he on her birth certificate? If not and he was requesting visitation, you could require a paternity test first (which would not only establish paternity but also cement his responsibility to pay child support). Since he probably doesn't want to pay for this child either, he may not push the court ordered visitation. If I were you and you are ok w/ not receiving support (I personally think parents, moms or dads, should support their kids even if they are not part of their lives) then you could just allow him some "unordered" visitation. That was you child knows "dad" but you are required to allow over night visits.

you NEED to take him to court and get a custody order in place and child support and a possible visitation, even if it's supervised by you or a court appointed representative. did you ever let him watch your son without alternate supervision? if not, you shouldn't have a problem, if you did, that'll be a hard case to present. whether he pays the child support or not, you need to get it established for the sake of your son, not you.

Child support has NOTHING to do with visitation.

If you can prove any of the allegations against your ex, then I'd document it and then voice your fears to the court should he take you to court for visitation.

Ask for supervised, non overnight visits in the beginning as a precaution. That is your right. But you cannot simply say that because you are unemployed and living in your mother's basement that you are not good parenting material. A police record doesn't support neglectful parenting either even tho I wish in some cases it would.

Legally he has every right to see his son. And you have every right to sue his pants off everytime you hear he has employment to get your child support, just like his ex did.

Maybe he won't take you to court, but keep in mind...you're going to have to face him if you ever want him to be the responsible parent and pay child support...which also means...unfortunately...visitation.

Sending good thoughts your way...

You need to file for child support immediately. By filing with your local Social Services dept they will be able to get you started and let you know what you have to do. In the mean time the state will send you money each month and when your boyfriend starts working they will garnish his wages to pay for the support that you are receiving. Get yourself into the system before he does. For the sake of your childs self esteem I would not fret over allowing him to visit his dad, especially at Grandma's house. They both love him and would not let harm come to him, so do not fight about that---- your child needs to feel wanted by both parents and doesnt need you two fighting over visitations stuff, this can have irreversble damage on your sons psyche. Be the bigger person, set out a schedule you can live with and approach your sons dad with it and come up with an agreement that is good for both of you. Be mature and dont let hurt and anger make you make wrong decisions for your child.

I doubt that he will take you to court. He doesn't want to pay child support and if you put it into the system with a court involved then he would HAVE to, right? I would hope that you would insist on it as well. I think your ace in the hole is to tell him that he will have to start paying child support if he has a visitation contract litigated. Sounds like the type of guy who will run the other way.

Hi T.,
I doubt he will take you to court. It seems the only reason he took the other woman to court was because he lost his license. If she had not persued justice for him not paying his child support, I doubt he would have cared. So probably as long as you do not make him pay child support or pursue legal action if he doesn't, you're probably in the clear from "having" to go to court. However, as much of a dead beat as he sounds, he is your sons father and is therefore 50% responsible for the financial costs of raising your son. He is also 50% responsible for everything else that isn't financial that goes with raising a child, but that's another issue and one, it sounds like, he may not own up to. I encourage you if he is not supporting your son, you should take him to court. Men need to be responsible for the children they bring into this world and by not pursuing it, it encourages other men to not take responsibility. Remember, you are now raising a man, so you need to show him how a responsible man should be.
Good luck to you and your son!
V.

Whoa--he sounds like a gem! ;-)
It's all up to the courts now. If he is not "unfit", he is entitled to visitation.
You, too, are entitled to support for the son you have together.

First remember that if you decided to approach anything with the court system that anything you accuse him of that you are above reproach of the accusations regarding visitation. Here is my suggestion, do the adult thing and sit down with him and say I would like to work out a visitation schedule and support in private not with the courts and put it in writing and both sign it and get it notarized. Inform him this will save him alot of money in attorney fees and his child will benefit. Tell him you want your child to know him growing up and since he is not living on his own and doesn' t have a job that visitation every other Saturday from 9AM-6pm would give him the best opportunity to see him but not interfere with his life too much and not require him to be responsible for him overnight giving him all of his weekend nights to go and have fun. The deal would have to be that he not be late or cancel as a child needs to have routine and be able to trust that both parents will do what they say. Then for support, more than likely you won't get him to anti up much at this time. So ask for 20.00 a month until he is employed and then when he is employed this would need to go up to 100.00 a week. This way it is in writing and if you need the courts to enforce the agreement you would have something in writing. If you choose to do the court thing the only person you will hurt is the child as it will take even more money away from his raising.