Need Ideas for Raising Small Boy to Be Neat and Tidy

Well the way that i handled my 5 year old was. First i started with a star chart and if she did like small things like pick her toys up and tryed to make her bed she would get a star. Second gave her a prize at the end of the week if she had all 5 stars. Third when she got to be 5 she was not told to do it she knew to make her bed up dress herself and clean her toys up everyday or she was not going to get anything so if you want to try that hope it will work. But small chores at first is the way to start like making the bed cleaning up toys then try getting dressed and then maybe helping clean outside or in the kitchen ex. so i hope the advice helps.

Hi, I am also a 43 year old mom of 2, Malia 6 and Adrian almost 5. They both have chores. We started giving them chores to do at age 3 and explained that it was just what they had to do to helpout since they are part of the family.
They have very low beds, just the metal ajustable frames with a bunky board and a foam mattress. They are expected to make their beds each morning, this just means pull the sheet, blanket, and comforter up and straighten it. They dress themselves, and are allowed to wear anything in their drawers. Then they brush their teeth and wash their faces. This is about it for morning chores, after their bath they are expected to hang up their towels. Also, after eating they are expected to clear their plates, cups, and utinsels to the kitchen. They set the table, and after breakfast they usually do the dishes with supervision and some assistance. When I do their laundry I fold it and place on their beds and they put it away. These are things they have been doing as they get big enough and it is just expected of them. They do get an allowance every payday, but it is not tied into doing chores. It is just so they have money to spend on what they want and don't beg me for things at the store. If they have money theg can buy it, if not then they can't. All that said, they are children and do go through times of not wanting to do things. When this happens I put up a chart with the things they need to do without complaining, morning chores, homeschool, pick-up toys, pick-up living room, and extra for anything I might ask them to do. Everyday they do these things without complaining and without me having to nag to get it done, they get a star. When they have 15 stars we go to movie gallery and they get to pick 5 movies (kids movies are 99 cents and if you rent 3 you get to free) This really seems to work for them. Hope this helps.
P.

Ok, I dont have a 4 yr old... mine is 15 months... and I am/was a neat freak. It wasnt until after my son was born did I realize that I didnt have enough hours in the day or energy after working (I work full time and keep my house as my 'other' full time job). ANYWAYS, at 15 months I DO have my son help pick up toys and let him 'help' me clean. He is particularly interested in the broom and vacuum, so when i am done using it (the broom, not the vacuum) I let him play with it while I do dishes... this way he feels like he is helping. I also have him help stack the plastic cups that he throws all over and he hands them to me to put away. He also helps with laundry and likes to throw it in the basket and hand it (sometimes) when sorting, and he will pick up his toys and put them in the basket with me at night when i encourage him to help. So, my little man has the very beginnings of being tidy and very helpful... BUT I always make sure that it is a game and I always let him stop when he has lost interest. Being that he is sooo young, I really can only keep him interested in it for a couple minutes, so short chores are best, plus he can always come back and help later. In addition, I find that if I play with him and show him that i will stop and chase him around and tickle him when he is bored helps there too --- I make myself available for play even while doing chores , this way he knows that its not all about only doing one thing and that chores can be fun and its ok to have fun while doing them. It might seem a bit Mary Poppins-ish but it works! Although, one drawback is that when my husband is trying to get things done, Xavier wants to help, but usually just ends up getting in his way. My suggestions - make it a game, be flexible (a little at least), show him that you and him can cooperate and work together at it, and let him help when he wants to. I do not think 4 is too young, we all learn by example (my husband is also not the neatest) and I think encouragement in the right direction is always good... oh, and be flexible in your expectations... it wont be perfect but your son may have worked very hard to just to get it where it is, be proud of whatever accomplishment (big or small) and attempt that he makes. :)

I don't know but if you figure it out, please let me know. My son liked to help out too but by the time he was old enough to be able to really help (without being more work), he no longer wanted to help.

I would suggest that you definately make him responsible for his stuff (picking up his toys etc).

I noticed with my kids (2 and 5) that sometimes if I'm cleaning they like to help do certain things--like if I'm sweeping they'll get out their toy broom and sweep too, or I'll give them their own cloth to wipe--although they don't accomplish much they do enjoy feeling like they are participating and helping. As far as picking up toys, sometimes it works with my older one to have a race--see who can get the most toys put away first. I guess making it seem fun has been the most effective way of getting the kids interested in cleaning. Although I do nag and offer rewards/penalities at times, I have noticed the kids become more resistant to cleaning then-- probably this makes it look more like a job (which, of course, it is!).

If you were messy, you can almost count on your children to be messy. What difference does it make? Is your child happy and well adjusted?

My children - both teenagers - are not particularly neat. They know how to vacuum. They know how to pick up. They know how to make beds. They can both empty the dishwasher and carry laundry baskets. They help when asked, but their rooms... oh the disaster they can become when the children are busy. I keep telling myself that they are straight A students, they have better things to worry about, and someday they will have children just like them. That said, I push the tidy room during the summer when they don't have school work to worry about.

When they were little, I helped them pick up their rooms every night before bed time.

YMMV
LBC

Your kid is four, come on. I have three kids and everything comes in time. There is plenty of time to teach your son how to be "tidy". If he picks up his toys at either the end of the day, or after he is finished playing with them then I wouldn't push it. We have one room in the house that is the "toy room" and they can destroy it all week, but come Sunday they clean it up. Something that I make them do all week long is put there clothes in a laundry basket, their plates, cups, etc, in the sink when they are done. And, just because you do this now doesn't mean when they get older they are going to want to be "tidy".

I am LITERALLY in the same boat- 4 yo boy(ONLY CHILD) and 43 myself. At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil, I had to find his 'currency'. Now he doesn't get his tv time or computer game time(highly embarrassed by that fact, as I swore(pre birth) that I would not be one of THOSE Mothers! Ha! reality sucks!). Anyway, I started with laundry pick up(my husband's stuff mostly) and help with sock sorting and putting towels away. I've been doing that for at least a year or so, telling him we all have to pitch in and do our part because that is what good families do- it's just the way it is. So he does help with that. Recently, I started the 'clean up your mess and you can have tv/comp time' method. So now he is responsible to pick up the toys off the floor in his room or the LR and straighten/make up his bed. Of course it is never perfect but he does get it done and NOT always easily, who knew I'd be a drill seargent?! Now it does get kind of tiresome sometimes, some days it just feels like its just easier to pick it up myself and move on. However I try to remember how it's my responsibility to to just make it 2nd nature to take care of thinks himself when he is older because unfortunately, the reality of having a child later than most in life, is the fact that you just might not be around when they hit adulthood. I'm not trying to sound melodramatic about being 'tidy', but oddly enough I was just talking about this very 'staying on top' of the boy topic with a friend of mine the other day. What a joy though- living your life-getting all the proverbial ya ya's out and then having a child when you have all that life experience in your back pocket, I really Wouldn't have had it any other way when I look back on things.
Good luck in the 'trenches'! My son is making his bed as I write so he can what Tom & Jerry........
A.

Hi S.,

The underlying problem as you stated is, your husband is not setting a good example.

This is where you need to start. Ask your husband how can he help set a good example in teaching the child how to pick up after himself. Let him know what you are trying to accomplish. State your concerns so both of you can work together as a team to make life easier for both of you. If you are not happy, no one is going to be happy.

It would not be right if you punish a child for something his father gets by with.

There is a new way of looking at teaching, it is called "Restorative Practices." The web site is:

www.IIRP.org

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

I think most kids have a tendency to be messy...they like to pull ALL their toys out, but hate to put them away! I printed out chore charts on line and post a new one each week on the fridge. My son has 6 things he needs to do each day: feeding the dog, getting dressed & brushing his teeth, clearing the dinner dishes from the table, putting his toys away, putting his dirty clothes in the hamper & taking his bath, and sleeping in his own bed. Each task has it's own square and we check them off every night. Start small and include things he already does (like brushing teeth) and add a couple household jobs (like feeding the dog). You can search for "free printable chore chart" on line and several sites pop up. Another great idea is on parenting.com. You can print out "money" and pay him at the end of each week. He can "buy" things with his money like extra TV time, special snacks, etc.
These things have worked great for us...Good luck!!

My son is 6 and pretty neat and good at cleaning up his toys. We make it a rule to clean up his toys before bedtime and before we go out of the house. It feels good to come home to a clean sweep, because he usually wants to play with something different when he comes home anyway. Its a treat if he can leave his toys out on the weekend, etc or when he's sick and he appreciates it. If he's tired, I help out. We always eat at the table, even snacks - at the snack bar and give him a napkin. He does not walk around with food or drink. And he should wipe his hands and face before leaving the table. Its rules, but not too many. And sometimes we let it go. He looks so cute with an oreo moustache and someday he will be grown and those days will be gone. Find a balance and it will work.

The first chore I always gave my boys was silverware. To be able to put it in the right space after washing (be sure to remove sharp knives) and to use a hand made placemat which showed where the different types of silverware was to be placed at each person's plate.

N., grandma from Linthicum

If your 4 year old picks up when asked and even sometimes when not asked, he's on his way to being a neat person. That is very good for a 4 yr old. I would try to avoid pushing too much more, you don't want to make a child who is uncomfortable with any unorganization, he won't be successful in the real world, in an office or other common work environment, he needs to know how to stay organized himself but be able to do it everything isn't perfect.

Hello, I am 45 with a 7 year old son and I am a single mom. I have given my son small chores and when he does them with out prodding, I really give him the praise.
He automatically puts and rinses his dishes after each meal that we eat at the house, it is his job to bring the dirty clothes down each day so I can wash a load before bed. It is his job to make sure his toys are kept off his floor, but up on his shelves or in the closet or in the toy box. I just gave him the chore of taking out the trash.
I get paid bi-weekly and if he does his chores through out the two weeks, he gets to pick something out at the store for under 15.00 bucks. Recently he has asked if he can just have cash, so he can save for a big present. +++funny story++++a few Saturday's ago, I went in to work to do a last minute presentation and had to take my son. My boss was in his office and I took Sean in to introduce him. Sean tells my boss is a very sincere voice, you really need to clean up your office.....my boss turned beet red. My boss still tells others the story of how my son told him to clean his office.

I recently shared a poem with my child from a book called Free to Be You and Me. the poem is Housework. I loved this book and record (yes record) when i was a kid. the poem discusses how important housework is and how everybody hates to do it and how the lady that we see on tv who smiles when she does housework is really smiling because she is an actress and she gets paid to do housework and in the end when we have housework to do we should always help one another and do it together. I was surprised when my 4 year old told me. " Mommy, when you tell me to clean up my playroom you don't help me, you just tell me that I made the mess so I can clean it up" I realized then, that no one likes to do chores and chores are more fun when we do them together. Now I help him clean his playroom and he helps me clear the kitchen table. He helps me take the laundry out of the dryer and I help him put his books away. We do chores and housework as a team and he enjoys it. I recently added a Happy Face/Sad Face chore chart to our activities. We traced his hand on a piece of cardboard and wrote helping hand inside the outline. then we made a list of all the things we expect him to do. He agreed that he could make his bed, clean the toothpaste out of the sink after he brushes his teeth, flush the toilet, wipe the toilet seat when we have accidents and poor aim, wash our hands, wipe the kitchen table with a sponge after dinner, help mommy move the clothes from the washer to the dryer and added one last thing: " I did something new, special and helpful today" . Everytime he does any of the chores on his list he gets a smiley face --that he gets to draw on the chart. When he doesn't do the chores or when he argues about chores he puts a sad face on the chart. He has so much fun taking responsibility for his chart that I don't even have to offer him a prize. All this to say... it worked for us maybe it could work for you. Good Luck.

Here we try follow the rule: When you're done playing with something you put it away. THEN you move on to the next thing. I don't harp on it but if I'm playing with them then that's what we do. Even something small like when we are done with one marker we put the lid on it before we open our next color. I explain that it keeps their things nice, together, and unbroken.
I also explain how doing it a little at a time is much easier than having to clean a whole room.
We also try to make it fun (like having a race to see who can do it faster -- I never seem to win!-- or tossing things into the bucket from a couple of feet away)
They help set the table, clear it after a meal, put their clothes in the hamper after getting ready for bed... small things that are easy for them to do.
I use stickers as a reward. We have a chart on the refrigerator where it can be seen easily and often. My boys LOVE stickers. I have a 5 year old and an almost 3 year old. And while I have to do a lot of the helping now it's getting them in the habit and won't seem like a chore as they get older. I wouldn't expect too much at a young age. I think of it as work in progress!
And I'm hoping that I develop better habits, too!

Dearest S. ~

I raised a boy - he's much neater than my girl. You do your best to teach them all the things they'll need to know when they're out on their own, with whatever means work: incentives, restrictions, etc... Ultimately, they will live their lives as they see fit. My son was on his own for a year and known to his roommates as "The Apartment Nazi". He is now, literally, a soldier. He lives back home now, as he's preparing to be gone for 3 months in the National Guard. I just have to say, what a pleasure and honor it is for me to do his laundry. I know I don't have to, as he's perfectly capable himself, but some pleasures of being a Mom never go away.

I had a very fun and interesting time with my 15 yr old daughter in the laundry room just the other day. She brought down a load of clothes and asked if she could do them. "Of course", I said, "Let's check out what You've got". She had some REALLY badly stained panties from her period and I proceeded to show her how to get the blood out with Shout. Just then, her friend called, and she was telling her friend how "brave" I was to be scrubbing blood out of her panties with a tooth brush! It was HYSTERICAL! FUN FUN FUN! Try to make life FUN and lighthearted. Work goes so much faster and easier when you are having fun!

When our children grow up and find mates, how they keep their house will be a joint effort on their part, just like you and your husband. It will not be your place to come in and criticize. Just do your best now and let the chips fall where they will. And ALWAYS keep in mind that a clean and pure heart is SO much more important than a spotless room!

I wish you the best! ~ K.

any child can be taught to be neat and tidy. but it takes a technique that some people may and may not have. when his room gets dirty and you ask him to clean up, most small kids will tell you no,but give him three chances then if he still says no and won't do anything tell him that he can't do any of his fun stuff till it's done. usually if you keep on them about something they finally start to realize that you are being serious and it isn't some game of win or loose. you are his parent and let him know that. i had trouble myself at first, i have 2 girls and trust me people say that little girls are easier then boys, well not these two. my oldest is 8 and she has a no go, no do attitude and trust me her and i have seen our bad days. and my youngest is 5 she will be six in may, and she has the attitude of a 16 year old. her thing is my way or no way, but i have learned to get around those things with both of them by giving them three chances to do what i ask and if they still don't then they don't get to have any fun and they go to bed early. when you do these things enough they start to realize that it is better to do what is asked then take the consequences. but try giving him 3 chances and on the third chance you come up with something that you know he wouldn't like as a consequence and enforce it. like going to bed early or not getting to go to the park till it's done. sometimes at first it will take a couple of days for them ti give in but you don't give in to them, stay tough and strong and you can come through on the other side. then you will have a better, tidier, child that will appreciate you more and you will love him more in the end.

sincerely,

J.

It's normal for kids to be messy. They have to learn and cleaning is not fun. I put on the clean up song by Laurie Berkner and all 3 of my kids jump up and clean what they've taken out. I also used it when teaching 3-year-old preschool. I try to teach my kids to pack away what they take out before moving on, but kids are easily distracted so know that you're going to have to remind them. Once they know what picking up is, then I start taking away toys that are left out. I tell my kids (6 1/2, 4 1/2, and 1 - although the 1 year old doesn't really count in this) to clean up and I set the timer for how long I think it should take for the mess that they've made. Whatever is not up goes in the trash bag and into the spare bedroom until the next week when I dump it on the floor and tell them to pack it away. I'm amazed at how little goes into that bag now. I also found that if it's a huge mess (my basement is the playroom), then I give them one thing to clean up at a time. Otherwise it's too overwhelming. The oldest will clean up the dolls while the middle will pack away all the balls. Then on to dinosuars, trains, dress-up clothes, plastic food, etc. This helps them stay focused.

Don't expect him to be perfect. He's only 4. You don't want to create an obsessiveness in him, but a learned responsibility and respect for his things and other people. Good luck!

Hi S. -

I applaud your efforts to teach your child good habits early. I am a big proponent of "beginning as you mean to go on." There are plenty of things a 4 year old can help with. To let you know where I'm coming from, I have 2 boys (6 and almost 4) and one girl (1). My boys both have things they help with and both enjoy feeling useful and part of the household. They help set the table, take their plates to the kitchen (with a little help for the youngest), put their dirty clothes in the hamper, pick up their toys, and help me with other things like sorting the laundry, matching socks when I get them out of the dryer, wiping off the baseboards (they love to do this -- I give each of them a damp cloth and then they see who can do their side of the room the fastest), I even let them help "cook" (putting pre-measured things in the mixing bowl, mostly). As far as rewards and penalties: they can't get out more toys until the ones they were playing with are put away, and they get computer tickets for good behavior (including helping with the household chores). Each ticket is worth 30 minutes on the computer and they can get 2 a day. I also give reward stickers -- I just put them on their shirt and when Daddy comes home they can show him how helpful they've been by the stickers on their shirts (Daddy then makes a big deal out of it, which thrills them). I've also seen "chore" cards which have a picture of what they are supposed to do on one side and a star on the other. When they complete the chore, they turn over the card. Once all the stars are showing, they get a reward. I don't have these, but I thought it was an interesting idea. I hope this helps some.

A. T.