Need Help with Passing of Grandma

Just remember to ask yourself-- and you might want to ask your husband too-- if you were dying, would you want people to come say goodbye to you? It's my guess that you would, and so would he. His grandmother probably wants to be shown the love and respect from her grandchildren that she gave them, instead of being ignored.
(My grandmother has been very vocal about this-- she lives in a retirement community and sees many grandparents go ignored the last years of their lives by children and grandchildren who can't deal with the sight of them aging. She says they are usually crushed by the rejection.)

For most people, it is very uncomfortable to see old people sick and near their death beds, but all I can think is what if that was me and nobody would come see me in my last days on this earth?

Your kids are going to have to deal with lots of uncomftable situations in life and they are going to have to do things that they don't want to, sheltering them from these situations only prolongs them having to come face to face with "ugly" situations and learning how to overcome them.

But that's just my opinion......

If I were in your shoes, I would go and I would take the children with me. No one, including your husband, will remember as she is now, in the long run. She will be remembered as she lived, not as she died. My concern here is your husband's regret that will surely come. He will remember his grandma the way he knew her best, in his heart, not what he sees near her end.

I know that it is hard. Death is apart of life and we have to learn healthy ways to greive. It is hard but,we say welcome to a new baby and those who are new in our life and we say farewell to those who leave our lives. If not just for us but for those we love. It says, "you meant something... it is okay to be scared, it okay to be sad, your life meant something to me, I will miss you and you made a difference".
My best memory and my last was when I got the call, you know the one,"it won't be long". I went to see my grandpa and told him that he was going to go home... He tried to get out of bed. No grandpa, your other home and I layed down and just held him told him, "thank you for every thing". It was a good good-bye. Just do it. Live with no regrets. Life is going to be hard.

I took my kids to a couple of funerals of folks we knew, but that weren't that close, early on so that when it comes to someone they are really close to, they don't have such a hard time. It was an opportunity for them to ask questions and begin their own understanding and dealing with death. I am very grateful. My daughter is now in the Air Force Color Guard and deals with grief every day but is very comfortable with her understanding of death so that she can comfort those who need her. Funerals aren't easy, but having a healthy view of death is important. Go see Grandma - give them closure when the time comes if it is possible.

Good Morning D., It is a very hard time for everyone. I am so sorry for your family. As your children are older I think it would be good to take them, if they want to go. I lost both of my mom's with in a year of each other. They ( gr children) were close to my mother, so they were around her more. We didn't allow them to see her in her last days of Alzheimer's though. While she was in the hospital we took the two oldest 7-8 to see her and they could hug her and kiss her. Talk to her a little, if mom wasn't being violent or really out of it that day. They knew Gr Grandma was going to heaven soon. Mom died August 19, 08

My step momma passed very suddenly so really none of us were able to really say goodbye, we were with her, but she was gone. They kept oxygen on her as her eye's had been donated. But Momma wasn't with us. Our three oldest gr children went to funeral home and to service. Dear-Dear passed August 20,07

It helps so much to have some kind of closure, to know they and you were loved by each other. Our Hospice aides told us, to Forgive anything we needed to forgive, tell them how much we loved them, and say good bye, let them know it's ok to go home.

Since you are active in your church, your children know that death is not the end for our Spirit, it is the beginning of a beautiful time with the Father. We will see them again.
We grieve more for us, they are healed healthy, happy. We mourn that we can't talk to them in person or give kisses etc..

I had a very hard time when my DH mom passed 32 yrs ago. I was in the hospital having our second son. Wasn't able to attend her service. I made most of the arrangements for her service, then went into labor 2 days before. Epi was a bad one. couldn't do anything for 2 wks.

Anytime we have a chance to say I love you and or Good Bye, is a good thing.

It is your choice D., your children, you know what is best for them and you.

God Be with you and give you strength in the days ahead.
K. Nana of 5

Death sucks, and it's worse when it is somebody we know and love. Ask yourself this, how important is it to you to have your kids step out of their comfort zone to do something for someone else? My mom passed away this winter and it wasn't pretty. I would love to have not had to experience it, but what about my mom? Should she have died alone? It's wasn't about me, it was about my mom. Only you know the answer to this, is this about your kids discomfort facing a fact of life, or grandma feeling her family around her in her last hours?

I wouldn't ask your kids what they want to do, you are the parent and it is your job to teach them about life. Sadly, death is a part of life. They are old enough to handle this. As far as your husband not wanting to see her, that's too bad. I remember seeing my grampa before he died and I still remember him just looking into my eyes for the longest time as if he was saying goodbye and knew he was about to die. I'm sooo glad I took the trip to go see him. He died shortly after that, but my memories of him are all the fun things we did when I was a child, not of his last days. I think alot of people use the same excuse your husband is using because they don't want to face reality. It's hard for everyone and and I'm sure your husbands grandma would want him to be there. It's too bad he won't say goodbye to her. Maybe you still have time to talk him into it.

I have a different opinion from the others. If you haven't see her in a year, your kids probably aren't that close to her. It would probably depend on what kind of shape grandmas is in. If she was lucid, aware of her surroundings and able to talk with all of you, I would think about going. But, again, if they haven't seen her in a year, this may not be the best time for them to see her. Obviously you'll need to discuss her death and attend the funeral with the children. But, I remember visiting my grandma in the hospital right before she died. We were close and saw her on a weekly basis. I took my children, who were 5 and 3 and 1, at the time. It shook all of us up quite a bit, because she just wasn't herself. I don't think she really knew we were there. Then, I had lots of questions from my kids about what was wrong with Great-Grandma. I think a discussion about death would have been plenty for them without actually seeing Great-grandma and hearing her rant and rave. Granted my children were much younger, but they were close to her. Like your husband, I wish I had skipped visiting her, and kept my memories of a happy and healthy grandma. Instead, my most vibrant memories are of her in the hospital.

I think the first question is...is there an emotional attachment to Grandma with your boys? If there is..then there is no question...take them to visit with Grandma before she passes away. I would also try to gently encourage your husband to go and visit one last time just for his own peace of mind and if Grandma is awake and alert I know she will appreciate him being there. There are a lot of different family dynamics...and you are the only one who truly knows what is best.
I am encouraged to see that you are active in your church...this is a splendid basis for comfort for all of you...you have the assurance of knowing that this is not the last you will see of your loved one.
I think this is an excellent opportunity to help your boys develop empathy and kindness for people who are suffering and need comforting and affection. Maybe your husband will change his mind if he see all the rest of his family going to see his Grandmother before she passes away.
I know that the time that I spent with my own Mother...and the time that my girls were able to spend with her are precious memories for us. It doesnt effect "how we remember her"...I dont think of her sick and confined to bed...I think of all of the wonderful things that we did over her lifetime.
I am so sorry for this sad time that your family is going through...
R. Ann

My grandpa just passed away last Sunday in Hospice in Houston. TX. Houston is 15 hour drive and by the time he was taken to hospice on Friday, I hadn't had a chance to make arrangements, pack my bags, etc to get to him fast enough. I decided to have him cremated but before I asked them to let me see him and to have an open casket small memorial. It has really be tough this week dealing with not being with him before he passed and knowing he was all alone without family there but he wouldn't have known I was there or WHO I was. I heard that watching someone die is one of the hardest memories to forget. I want to cheerish the fun times we had and remember him that way.

There is nothing wrong with being emotional at this time. Don't let that stop you from taking the children. Death is a natural (though sad ) part of life, and they are old enough to understand that now. They are not babies that you can't talk with.
Your husband doesn't want to go because of his own fears of his emotions. Talk with him.
Remind him that you don't go for yourself, you go for Grandma.(And it's ok to cry .... even for big strong men) As long as she is still alive, she deserves to be surrounded by the people she loves. Even people who seem to be "out of it", very often have awareness of who is there (and who is not) and can hear your words and feel your touch.
How awful to be dying and the people you love and long to see won't come see you.
If your husband, and your children were important to her at all, they really should go touch her and speak to her while she is still here.

However, you know your family.
Do what is best for all.
This is just my personal feelings. But I learned this at the deathbed of my mother.

I would definitely take your children to see their great-grandma. Especially the older ones that know what are going on - you could always leave the 2 yr old with your husband since he doesn't want to go. Not only would it mean a lot to your children but think of what it would mean to their great-grandma.

I think the deciding factor here is Grandma. If she is conscious and wants to see her family, then her family should all come see her and let her say goodbye. I think it would be really sad if she is dying and she is alert enough to know this, and her family doesn't want to see her because it would be disturbing to them. This is more about her pending death than it is about your husband's desire to remember her in a healthier point in life. But, if Grandma has no awareness, then the decision truly lies with the family. Your kids are old enough to decide if they want to see their great grandmother, knowing that she won't even know they are there, and/or won't be the person they remember. And if she is completely incompacitated, would she want her family to see her that way? So, I would look at it first from Grandma's perspective, and what is best for her or what her wishes are in her final days.

i agree with amanda, in that this isn't a good time to be selfish. i understand your husband's feelings, however, if it was me about to go, it would hurt incredibly if some of my family chose not to come see me just for their own selfish reasons. it's not about his feelings right now. i think that you should encourage him to see her, for HER sake. i almost think you and the boys should go regardless of his decision. and i think you should explain it to the boys. unfortunately death is a part of life, and if you tell them, it would mean a lot to grandma to see you right now, i think they would come through for you. (and her!) just try to remind everyone that it's not about them. this is a good opportunity for a little life lesson here. give them a chance to do you proud. i'm sorry you're having to go through this so soon after the loss of their other great-grandma.

If your boys are that old I would let them decide but to also caution them not to freak out when they see her because she will not look the way they remember her. That's what my mom did & b/c of my over active imagination I was expecting to behold horrors but once I saw the person it would up being a whole lot better than I thought it would be. My parents wouldn't even let me go to my Great Grandma's funeral when I was in the 3rd grade & I'm still a little bitter. (we all had the stomach flu right when she died & my folks kind of underestimated how close we were.) Just talk to your hubby 7 kids together maybe have a family meeting about it tonight & maybe you can all go. If now & GG's still awake maybe you can set up a family call on speaker phone (get input from Grandma & family to see what they think) that way you can still have one last visit but no one has to remember seeing her 'like that' in the hospital. This is always something really hard to deal with, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time. Just know that you can lean on each other for strength & that you will get through this in time. Good luck to you.

I would personally talk to them with hubby about it, give them both of your points of view and give them the choice.

Everyone reacts differently to death, Both you and your hubby have the right to feel the way you do.

So if all or somee of the kids want to go, let huby know that you are willing to take them when you go.

My girls were 9 and 10 when they lost their great-grandpa, Pappa Smurf, last year and we took them to the wake and funeral. It put some closure in their life. They didn't see him that much, because he lived several states away, but he was Santa Clause to them (something he did for years for family and friends). It truly helped them to be there. They were 4 and 5 when my grandmother died whom they were really close to and we chose for them not to go and we regret that decision. They didn't get to say goodbye to her and for a long time afterward they asked about her even though they knew she was gone. They just didn't get the closure they needed. Good luck and God Bless.

My dad that my kids were really close to died two years ago and are 15, 12, 7, and 3 now. I took them to see him until the last couple of weeks before he died. Its not a nice way to see them and I think it'd be best to let them remember them the way they were. THe kids are little and I don't think they will feel like they need to say goodbye. I would be on the fence about letting the 15 year old decide, he may be old enough. I think the image of her dying in their minds may be more disturbing and memorable as a bad memory than not saying good bye, but the 15 year old is probably old enough to make his own decision.

My husband did not go to his last remaining grandfather's funeral. It actually hurt his own father that he didn't make the trip as his family was always very close. We hadn't seen Granddad for over a year as well. That is my thoughts on your husband's decision.

As to your kids, if they have been close to their great-gma, then seeing her may be difficult if she is not the woman they remember. It is a difficult decision ~ we were close to my grandmother and the kids saw her at least once a week. So, as she was declining, they wanted to visit (ages 5 and 9). But they did not see her in her final week, which was a blessing as she wasn't the vibrant woman I remembered, either. Pray about it and you will make the right decision. Just don't base it on your own regrets. Really listen when you are praying for the answer. Your family has my deepest sympathy.