Need Help W/20 Yr Old Step Son

Kick him out!

Sorry but I have a son who just wouldn't accept responsibility for anything. I was online once and this woman made a crack about at least her boyfriend doesn't live in his parents basement playing world of warcraft. I thought it was so funny until I realized that was what my son was doing. Gave him a month to get out. He now has his own house, works full time and never hated me for doing it.

Oh yeah for three months he lived with his grandparents, oh then he had a real maid. He hated it and found his own place.

Leave the grandparents out of this. You cannot make them do anything. Apparently they think they're doing the right thing and I tend to agree. He is, at least, getting some education.

He has found a comfortable way to deal with his situation. Since he's not actually living with you you don't have much leverage. If he were I'd tell him he has to pay rent which would then be incentive to get a job.

I suggest that you find a way to accept the situation, keeping in mind ways you can provide incentives for working. Where does he get his spending money? If from you, you can stop giving him money. Otherwise stop worrying. This will workout, eventually. He's 20 and an adult. Let him make his own decisions and live with the results. It's difficult but it's time to let go. You only have control over what you decide to do. If you can make his life uncomfortable then you do that but leave his grandparents out of it. They also have a right to do what they think is best.

This is the time for tough love. This is exactly the reason so many especially boys stay at home rather than to start their own adult lives - because parents and grandparents enable them to do so!

I think you should kick him out and quit paying for ANYTHING for him. You should sit down and explain to him that you are doing this BECAUSE you love him. He won't get it and he will get very angry and you might not see him for quite some time. BUT as he gets older and more mature, he will understand why you did what you did and will appreciate the fact that you were trying to help him.

As for the grandparents, there is probably nothing you can do go stop them from enabling him except to sit down and try to explain it to them. They probably won't change, but that will be their cross to bear.

Unfortunately you can't control what your in-laws do. But at 20, if he is blowing his jobs, and blowing off school, you need to stop supporting him at all, for his own good. You need to immediately stop ALL support. He has to feel the pain. He's not living there most of the time anyway, so he can just live full time at his BF's house.

There used to be a day when 20 year olds were considered men, and they were not coddled and therefore they quickly became very responsible. These days we keep our children young for a very long time -- especially our sons, who in my experience are more likely than females to accept coddling and remain unproductive if allowed to.

He won't get a job unless he HAS to. It doesn't have to be a battle, just calmly tell him it's time for him to stand on his own two feet and show him the door. And let him do his laundry somewhere else too. That's your electricity he's using and not paying for.

That is the only way to fix it. But don't worry about what the inlaws do -- that is between him and them. You just stop enabling him.

For this semester he can either go to school full time and keep his grades up or he can attend part time and get a job.

Either way, he should not be living in your home if he is not giving you money, helping around the house and paying for his luxuries.. Yes a phone and gas are luxuries.

Give him a deadline and stick with it,. He is now a grown man and can figure it out..
FYI, Ask your husband, what was HE doing at 20? I bet it is not what his son is doing.

He owes you for the additional phone charges from when they began.
I agree with some of the other posters--pack up his stuff and have it all ready for him when he "pops in" O. weekend. IF your husband is on-board, it can be "our house, our rules" or you are free to find another place to live. Grandparents might not hop on board, but if he chooses to go to their house, it might look a whole lot different from that perspective.
He can either:
•Go FT to school and live at your house in exchange for chores. He can still get a POT job.
•Go to school PT and get a FT job so he can pay any & all expenses.
•Move out & continue to milk grandparents but NOT you guys.
I put myself through college AND worked PT--I literally NEVER had a day off--it was either class or work EVERY DAY. He can do it too. Trust me.

"We" are not ruining him. You're trying, it sounds like Dad is mostly trying, but grands are enabling him. You and Dad need to have a solid sit down. With each other first. Alone. Establish what you think is realistic. Is he working toward a degree? Should studying be his primary job right now? Is he doing that? Is he moving forward toward a goal? If he is, then you might want to reconsider what it is you expect of him and the time frame. Yes, I too worked my way through school and think it was good for me, but it was also extremely stressful and detracted from my grades and my chance to explore other college related options which in retrospect I think would have helped my career (clubs and internships, relationships with teacher/mentors etc) What is he doing with his free time?

If he is not working toward anything and you and Dad agree he should be then you set some clear goals make sure you give him several options knowing that grands will probably bail him out but he may not want (nor may they want) him to live with them. It is your house, a home and a family, not a boarding room. Tally up what expenses you think he costs your household, you decide what of that he should pay. (Unless it is causing you real financial hardship) Recognize it might cause fights with the grands, let Dad decide how far to push that (His parents right?) If there are no goals and no movement set a realistic goal that you and Dad agree to for when he needs to meet new goals or move out. Write it down - stick to it.

Then realize you have done everything you can. You cannot control him or them. Do what is best for yourself to accept that his life outside of your house is his life and he has the right to screw it up. Say your piece, know that it has been said and let it go....

No matter how long you've been in his life, they are still his grandparents and will trump you. His father would need to be the one to plead that case to them. As an adult, you guys can't control what someone else wants to do for him. What you can do is make your house uncomfortable for him. Make him move out. When he comes over, he'll be visiting, not coming home. Present the option of him living with his grandparents; see how far that goes.

Sorry.

Sooooooo STOP, already!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make your worries known, ask your DH to STOP, if he doesn't, short of divorce there really isn't anything you can do other than YOU telling the son when he asks YOU for $$$, phone, etc...NO!

Yes, being the stepmom can be a hard place to be at times like these. I would suggest having a real heart-to-heart with your husband. Take a "how can we best work together for the good of our son?" approach. See if the two of you can get on the same page and agree on what you want for your son and what steps you might take to help him get there. Then, your husband may be able to talk with his parents about the new plan.

Where is he sleeping if not at your house? at his BF's? Are there parents living there? If you know them or can talk with them, they may be willing to get in on a new plan, too.

There is no easy solution here, but I would suggest starting with a non-judgmental or blaming talk with hubby about a new approach. Good luck!

That's a tough situation as it's been going on for a while. I think the first step is to get on the same page as your husband. Then together explain the boundaries and expectations and consequences. Your husband should lead the conversation with his parents - as they seem most enabling. I wish you the best.

Well, first....how in the hell did he get a contract cell phone with no job giving him disposable income? Is the phone in his name or yours? If it is in his name and you had previously agreed to pay $50/month for a phone for him, then do it. If he wants the fancy phone, then he is responsible for the difference...period. If he doesn't pay and the phone gets cut off, then so be it.

All of the money-givers in this situation NEED to be on the same page. If you say no and the grandparents just give him more money, then you are getting no where with this young man.

Bottom line, if he is healthy and able-bodied, then he should be contributing to his "life" at 19. YES, it is very hard to work and go to school, but it IS do able with some hard work and dedication.

If I had a way to stop enabling, I would tell you. My inlays have ruined two gene ratios with their so called helping.

The truth is you can't fix them or him. i am sorry. You love him and want what is best. He won't change until he HAS to and you can't make the others change.

I have a similar-ish situation with my own son and my mother. I wish you the best.

It sounds like Husband/Dad needs to have a talk with Grandparents and straighten them out, approaching it from the angle of, "I know you want to help him, but how is giving him everything he wants without making him pay for anything help him become anything but a Paris Hilton-esque trust fund brat?" He can point out that Son will need to work as an adult and support himself, and that by Grandparents paying for everything with him not even working, that it is really **harming** Son in the long run.

Of course, you already know this, but the only way to get the Grandparents to stop paying for everything is to make them see that they are hurting their precious Grandson by their "help" -- and unfortunately, this will need to be your husband's battle, since he is their son. And if your husband is not on board, or not as gung-ho as you, or won't (gently) confront his parents, it likely won't change.

I think that you and DH need to sit down and talk further, and then talk with the ILs. They likely see it as helping out their widdle boy but you're right - why work if he gets it all anyway?

If you are in any way on any of his bills, cancel his account. Make it be HIS/their dime, and not yours. I would have marched right down to the service provider and said this was not authorized by me and I want it canceled NOW. If it was just that you paid, stop paying and make him deal with his own phone. His problem.

I so hear you. My SS doesn't do all the same things, but DH is thrilled to pieces about his boy living here post grad for a year and I want to scream. I've told DH that the kids' behavior this summer WILL NOT FLY next year. No, no, no. I will be the bad guy, but if he wants to live in this home, he should live in this home or go somewhere else. It is hard enough on DD when he comes home for a visit and sleeps til 5PM. I get nothing from him many times but food gone from my fridge and his laundry tying up the washer.

If he dislikes being responsible, let them pay for him and deal with him in their home.

sharon said exactly what i was thinking. "we" aren't doing anything. the people you need to be talking to are the grandparents. which i suppose would mean dad needs to talk to them.

and he needs to get a job.

and he needs to contribute to your household.

and if he doesn't, he needs to go.

i think that your husband at least, (and you also if it would work ok) needs to sit down with grandparents and put his foot down.

also if they are going to create this monster, they should be willing to live with it. suggest he moves in with them.

just my random thoughts, hopefully some of it helps. GOOD LUCK!

I feel your stress. I understand how hurtful it all is.

The thing is, if he wants to go to school and they cut him off, all he has to do is list a friends house as his home and he can file for Financial aid as an independent adult.

He can take his things to his friends houses and stay with them forever. If they get tired of him living off them all he has to do is keep making friends, he does not have to work, he can choose to live the life of a homeless person. My daughter did it for about 10 years. She has 7 children to show for it.

You cannot, nor can anyone else, make him do what you think is the right choice for him....he can do what he wants even if it is not the choice you want him to make.

He is an adult who is not able to understand what that means. Kicking him out sets him up to live life precariously, living with this one then that one, etc...he needs to learn how to function in life but to have a safe home to do it from so that he doesn't end up with pregnant girlfriends, aids, or some other kind of life threatening illness.

I agree he should have a job, he is not capable obviously.

He needs to attend classes and get good grades, of course.

He needs to start maturing and finding his way in life.

I would say that making some contracts with him through the grandparents might be a place to start. Such keeping his GPA above a "C" he gets he can have 6 months of insurance on the car, 6 months of tuition paid, X months of paid cell phone with all the bells and whistles BTW, I would never have a Cricket phone, he is a normal person and I would not even buy a phone for the grand-kids I am raising unless it was a normal phone.

BTW, have you considered letting him move in with them (since he is not really living with you he could store his stuff over there and go there on weekends to eat and do laundry)? He could have all the benefits and you'd have no hassles. They want to support him, let them.

First of all you sound like a wondeful stepmom. I can hear how you really care for him so he is very lucky! I would sit down with your hubby and come up with a monthly fee he needs to pay for staying overnight sometimes and/or doing laundry. It doesn't have to be some huge amount. I would explain it to him that you respect him as a man so he is going to have man sized responsibilities. I would give him a month before his first payment. If he does not pay then lovingly tell him that he needs to find other arrangements. At that point he is welcome for a meal and to hang out but no more lodging without payment unless he becomes a full-time student. Good luck!