Need Advice - Clovis, CA

My oldest daughter wears glasses and has to wear an eye patch most of the day, everyday (since she was 6 months old). While it is a fairly common scenario for some kids, she often is left out or ignored by other kids we run into in public. She is usually friendly and outgoing, and will approach kids at the playground, a lot of times only to have them stare at her patch and just not answer her, or worse, walk away. It's heartbreaking. I have always answered peoples questions and inquiries openly and with a positive attitude as I never wanted her to feel ashamed or embarrassed. But now that she is getting older (5 1/2), the kids we encounter seem less excepting. I have no way of knowing why they react the way they do, but I have to wonder if some of it is that they just don't know how to handle someone who looks different. I totally agree that approaching the other mother in a polite manner would have been OK. I, myself, would appreciate the opportunity for my daughter to meet, and possibly make, new friends. It also shows your daughter that you don't think there is anything "wrong" with the little girls, only that they are different, and that your not afraid of or uncomfortable with differnt. I guess it's kind off like a white elephant in the room. Once you talk about and acknowledge the difference, you can move past the ackwardness/newness of the situation and get to know the person for who the are, not what they look like. Kids are going to be curious about what makes us all different. It's what we do as humans-we categorize. However, the trick is to not belittle or make less than those who are not like us, but to find what makes us the same-our hearts, and our need to be connected. I really appreciate your question. It confirms to me that we all really are more alike than we think.

Hi K.. I'm the mom of six special needs kids. I would much rather have someone come and ask questions than stare or make comments. In fact, I love when little children ask the questions because it is so pure and such a great learning opporunity - my kids learn how to answer the questions without being offended or hurt and the child asking learns that kids that no matter what, kids are kids. It's best to approach the adult and tell them your little one has some questions. Most parents are going to willingly answer anything that's asked.

Thank you for being concerned about this. So many parents don't take the time to teach their children and by the time kids are in school, the special needs kids are considered freaks because they are different. What you are doing and your concern is greatly appreciated.

L.

It is perfectly normal for your daughter to be curious. I am a special education teacher and most parents, or older people with disabilities don't mind being asked about it. They prefer it to staring. It is a chance to educate your daughter. It is better to be frank, answer her question and help her learn that it is o.k. to ask. Not everyone is good about being asked, but my 2 yo was staring at someone in a wheelchair and I took him up to the gentleman and he explained it to my son. If you teach your children that disabilities are something to be ashamed of they will never see people who have disabilities as normal. Next time, you should ask. Just politely explain that your daughter is unfamiliar with the situation and is curious, and ask if it is o.k. for her to ask a couple of questions. Most people know children are frank and they will be o.k. with it. You both might even make a new friend!

K.,

I agree with everyone who says to have your little one ask questions rather than just staring and being confused. I think it is important to teach openess and curiousity so her questions are correctly answered. With understanding comes acceptance rather than seeing something as simply different and maybe not right. If something looks "funny" then often times people (of all ages) assume that something is wrong which is unfortunate. The more information a person has, then the better they are able to make a good decision about something they are not accustomed to. I think it is a lesson that should be taught as early as possible so the child grows up with the midset of seeking information rather than making a blanket judgement that different is simply weird and uncomfortable. Childhood curiousity is a wonderful trait that gives us parents the opportunity to expand children's worlds and enrich their lives with all kinds of expeiences/ people. And for the people who are "different" (for the lack of a better word), I believe they would prefer to be approached and engaged with rather than being ignored out of a polite, but misguided intention of respect for their privacy. We as humans are social creatures and it's got to be difficult to sense that people avoid you because of a lack of understanding. Reach out- I think you will be really happy with the response you receive.

~ J.

K.,
I would have approached the mother to ask if your daughter could play with them. (If she was willing). I get asked all the time about why my hands are blue, or purple, and does it hurt, or are they cold? I would rather have them ask, than to call back later, and complain that they did not get their cash back from the person who has the dead hands. I wanted to scream at his ignorance. Sometimes asking is better than ignoring.
W.

To say nothing was wrong with them was not correct. You should have told her the TRUTH, then told her it is not polite to stare. To say nothing is wrong is a lie, and a 4 year old knows that. To state an obvious lie will make her only more curious (why is mommy saying there is nothing wrong when there obviously IS something wrong?) However, as to telling her what happened to them, you don't know so you can't say. And I do not believe you should have asked the mother, unless maybe the two of you had gotten friendly and it was appropriate in the conversation.

You should have said something like: "Something happened to them, but I don't know them so I don't know what happened. Maybe they were born that way or maybe they had an accident. Sometimes things like that happen to people. But don't stare at them because it might make them feel bad." And that's about all you would have needed to say.

The other two moms say it would be ok to ask, and I'm sure in many cases it is, but I still think plenty of people would be offended by your asking, so better to leave it alone and just let your child know that some people are different, and that is okay. Kids are pretty accepting when adults don't make a big deal about things.