I am becoming more and more concerned about my sister in law and could use some advice. We are really good friends, however we are in different spots in life. She is 24, single and more in the partying phase of life; I am 31 and married with 3 young children.
My SIL dated a guy for several years and they broke up 2 years ago. She has never gotten over the breakup, which was a mutual breakup, they had not been living together and had no children. In fact I have posted before, and I think it was last summer, that he had showed up in town at a bar and she ended up flipping out and texting him some awful things and to stay out of her town, then she went home, got drunk and smashed her guitar to pieces. I was super worried about her behavior at that point and recommended she see a counselor. She did not see a counselor but she seemed to improve, although I believe she was just keeping mum.
So now it is a year later and she was already still having a hard time, like if someone mentioned ex-boyfriend's name, she would start crying. It is like it was still so fresh a wound. She found out he was getting married maybe a month ago and now seems to be in a tailspin. I heard her sobbing in bed when she stayed over recently, she has broken down crying multiple times at a mutual friend's house. She texts me often things like "when will I ever get over this?!" or how she feels like she must have something so wrong with her that he didn't pick her. Today she started texting me that she feels like a heinous fat whale and that no matter how much weight she loses, it is never enough and she just feels grosser and grosser. She has been eating healthy and working out a lot and has been looking great. But when she told me that, I honestly advised her that what she is describing sounds like an eating disorder to me. THEN she tells me that she only throws up when she over eats! OH MY GOSH, so yeah, I am REAALLLY concerned now. Now she has just sent me another message about feeling fat next to her roommate.
So, I have suggested counseling three times now. I have suggested working out for endorphins, yoga, I have tried to build her up and assure her of our family and friend's love fpr her, I have told her to stop obsessing over weight and looks and how unimportant and silly it is. Nothing is getting through. She has told me that counseling does not work for her. Most of the time, when I respond to her dramatics, then she says stuff to minimize it, like "Oh, I am just venting. It's cool. I'm good. I haven't even been thinking about (ex) thta much. I am really feeling so good about life". I have talked to her mom about it and she wants ME to "knock some sense into her" (thanks for putting it all on me, Mom!)
ANY suggestions? What would you say to her? I know I cannot force her to go to counseling or anything, but I am so worried for her, and to be honest, I am also having a hard time being around her because of all this.
Have you thought about a family intervention? Maybe find a therapist or counselor who will come and help you. If you can't take her to a counselor, then maybe this would work. Either way, be assertive with mom and tell her that you can't do it alone. Good Luck! I
She is very insecure. She feels like she needs that man that was in her life to be secure, and she doesn't even know it. She has a very large problem with self worth, and yes...she does need counseling because she needs closure that she will not allow herself to have. You are in a very tough spot. For one thing, when she calls herself fat in front of you, she just wants you to say something nice to combat her negative remark about herself. The root of the problem is that she does not love herself enough and needs others to say nice things to her just to get her through the day. She needs professional help. Self confidence leaks into all aspects of life, it really does. I can say all of this but cannot advise you on how to get her to a counselor, but maybe if you can share bits and pieces of this with her then it will help her to realize that she cannot do all of this on her own. Ask her if she wants to continue to be miserable or have a happy life its all up to her. Good luck to you, and good for you for helping her out because she needs it. Maybe even look into counseling for her...get her a name and number to call.
It sounds like she desperately needs therapy, and probably medication, but is too self-conscious/afraid to admit it. You recognize the problem, but there are limited things you can actually do to fix her unless she is willing to accept help. It is also a losing battle for you to do it alone. She is your SIL, right? Where is your husband in all of this? You need to be very careful that she does not suck you-and more importantly your kids- into her destructive cycle. Make sure you talk to your husband about your fears and, since it is his family, let him know that you NEED his support in handling the situation-and also make sure that your in-laws don't dump this entire responsibility on to your shoulders. Find a therapist that you think might be able to help her, and if she won't willingly accept it-then understand that you have no authority to make her accept help and you may very well have to establish a significant amount of distance between the two of you for the health of your own family. Do not feel guilty about having to do that.
In any case-you need to check with your local authorities, or any therapist or social worker and find out what steps you should take if you ever feel that she might physically harm herself. If she were to ever threaten suicide-you CAN contact the proper authorities and force her in treatment, even if it is only temporary while she is evaluated.
It is hard to watch people we love struggle with instability, depression and destructive behaviors. I hope she gets the help she needs.
And if she is just an over-the-top crazy drama queen-I hope she knocks it off, moves on with her life and doesn't become a creepy stalker.
Either way-best of luck to you!
wow-Katie- That was really spot on! I second that.
Your description of your friend sounds just like me. I am very insecure/low self esteem, have A. eating disorder, no confidence, constantly search for self-worth in others words/actions but always disappointed. Look for self-worth in men....Your friend def. needs help before this gets more and more out of control...counseling. Unfortunately you cannot make her go and she probably won't but you can be there for her and listen :)
She sounds extremely depressed and anxious. Has she ever reacted this way to break-ups before? How has she responded to major life changes in the past? How was her self-esteem prior to the break-up?
I worry that she's quickly approaching a point where she may seriously self-harm. She's already showing indications, per your post, that she has disordered thinking when it comes to food and self-image. She also has disordered thinking when it comes to this guy, and she's probably thinking he's "the one that got away" even though it was a mutual break-up. I would bet that she's romanticizing the relationship and this guy since she's not dating anyone else and he's found a new wife. She's forgotten why it was a bad relationship that needed to be broken up with in the first place.
Maybe you could look around and find out which local psychiatrists are taking new patients and have a good reputation and make an appointment for her. Then let her know that you made an appointment and will go with her to the first one. If she doesn't want to go and refuses, encourage her but don't force her.
I would not enable the drama. For awhile I would only interact with her when I see positive things going on in her life. I would accept that I am not a counselor nor psychotherapist and I cannot give her the help she needs, and that I possibly make it worse by listening to it constantly (if what I was doing was effective the negative behaviors would have stopped by now).
Her mom sounds like part of the problem.
I'm all for being a friend and shoulder to cry on at appropriate moments. But this sounds like something else . . . something which may require expert help. I would keep encouraging her that route, and not make it easy for her to avoid it (by constantly letting her dump on me).
Sounds like she might actually be fighting depression. Not sure how to help her if she refuses to see sometype of doctor regarding it.
I would be tired of her pity party too! If she wanted to make HIM jealous she would get fit and tough! Not kick your butt tough, but I am a strong woman who likes to have fun! Get out try new things! Travel! Find something she loves and jump in!
Does she only do these things when you are around? Have you spoke to her roommate to see if she cries at home? If she is going to be such a downer I would let her know you can't handle it and it isn't good for YOUR KIDS to see either!
Sometimes picking yourself up is the best thing and tough love is needed! Why is her mental well being so much more important than yours? You have kids to care for!
i would stay away for a while. she is not child who needs guidance. if anything she seems to need attention but not advice. if you are forced to witness her outbursts i would say something like wish you'd get over him. or hasn't it been long enough for you to move on. as for eating disorder, again, could be attention-seeking
