My Parents Suck

I have a limited relationship with my parents. I learned years ago to let all of my expectations go and to just accept who my parents were. I decided that sitting around in pain waiting for them to become the parents I thought they should be wasn't working for me anymore.

I now have a family of choice. I choose to spend my time and energy with people that genuinely care and are able to support me in the ways that I need. My parents just really don't have what it takes to be the non-judgmental, open-minded, involved parents I would like to have.

I did go through a grieving process, including a lot of anger, when I decided to realize that my parents were never going to be the fantasy parents I wanted them to be. However, letting go of the fantasy set me free. Now I have some really wonderful, supportive, fun people in my life. I have a great woman that is "grandma" to my children. I have great women that are 'sisters' for me. And I simply choose to interact with my family at the level that does not drain me or stress me out.

You have a relationship, it is meh, but it is a relationship. It doesn't seem like it take any more effort for it to continue as it is. It does take the mental toll of maybe this time will be different but that is about all.

Yes I had inlaws that my kids were ignored for the preferred daughter's children. When my older daughter told her off around the age of 16 they found a common ground. Mind you it is still not a normal grandma relationship but it is something.

I know how you must feel but this shouldn't really be about you. Your kid has a right to know their grandparents. It just seems to me like you have much unresolved hurt and pain. Life is really short and before you know it you could end up without a parent or even both of them will not be here and you may wish you had done some things differently.

I know a first birthday is a big deal to the parents but the baby won't remember about it but will only relive that day through the pictures and stories told. A 4 hour drive is much for some older people and to have to do it twice is rough. They may have thought going to the home of the older kid who will remember them and can interact with them was better. It may not be any of the things you are thinking or it could be.

My mother died recently and I would give anything to hear her voice and spend time with her again. My father is alive and well (relatively speaking). When we go to visit him, he constantly asks about my sister (his favorite). This has been a life long source of hurt to me. I'm the first born and my sister is the second and baby. We are 4 years apart and when she was born I became second in his world. It has been like that for over 40 years. Does it still hurt me. Sometimes but ultimately I get to decide and determine if I'm going to be hurt by his actions or just understand that it is what it is and move one with trying to just shower the man with the love and attention I know he will never get from my sister. She isn't speaking to him at the moment over something he said. She can go for years trapped in that bitterness and hatred. I just choose to love on him the best I can.

This way I will and can have no regrets.

Cut them out of the picture now. Stop inviting, calling and making the effort. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Get some counseling and move on. You don't have to be bitter or uncivil toward them, you're just not going to be CLOSE to them.

My motto now is: life is too short to be unhappy. If someone makes me unhappy repeatedly, they're not worth being in my life. Harsh, yes, but no one is going to toy with my emotions, and especially not my kids emotions. Your kids will begin to see this eventually if nothing changes.

So sorry you're going through this. Just remember, this is your parents fault. Not yours. You made the effort on numerous occasions. Hugs!

Your parents do suck. Sorry you are having to deal with this. Honestly, if it were me, I just wouldn't bother anymore. But, the mature thing would be to tlk to your parents. Tell them exactly what you think, it could be they aren't aware they are doing it (doubtful), but at least you can tell yourself you did everything possible. It won't be a fun or pleasant conversation, but I think I would still do it, and lay it all on the table. Then if there is no improvement, give up.

Well, there IS such a thing as beating a dead horse, you know? It's not like you're not trying.
My father was an alcoholic, and in my teens, when it became apparent that he had NO intention of seeking help, I stopped contact. When he died a few years later I mourned what 'could have been' not what was.
My in-laws are nearby and very much NOT involved with my son...or with their daughter's kids, for that matter. But they'd like you to think they are.
My mom is an hour away and VERY involved and always has been.
What I can tell you is the kids reach an age where they "see" it for what it is. And that's great and sad day all wrapped into O..
I agree with the poster that suggested to never talk about the favoritism in front of your kids.
Personally, I wouldn't invite them next time they're in town. Maybe that would say more than you ever could with words.
Are you close with your sister?
Sometimes family is what you make it. Seek out time and activities with people who WANT to be with you & your kids.
Good luck.
And, yes, it does sound like they suck. Sorry. :(

Twin Mama...

Yes, your parents suck. I will give you a look into what the future holds for them. When my four kids were little, my in-laws didn't take much interest in them. They live in the same town as we do and when I asked my MIL to watch the kids ONE TIME when our babysitter cancelled, she responded with "I am not a babysitter." We never asked her again.

They didn't take much interest in our children and now that the girls are grown and our son is almost grown, they don't have a connection to them. The girls see them 3-4 times a year and that is enough. My MIL is always calling to ask how they are doing, what they are up to, but the girls don't have a connection to them so they don't feel obligated to go see them.

Unfortunately, by the time my MIL/FIL figured out what they were missing, it was entirely too late. It saddens me but there is nothing I can or am willing to do about it. I have to say, I have learned so many do's and don'ts from my MIL for when it comes time for ME to be one!

This sounds a lot like my husband's parents. My MIL (and FIL when he was alive) would drive over to my SIL's house just to make sure they had what they needed- stop at the grocery store for them, etc. Us? We would invite them over for dinner and they would accept and the call about 2 hours before dinner and cancel. It got to the point where I stopped cooking b/c I was 99% sure they wouldn't end-up coming and if they did we could order Chinese.

In the end, my husband decided that my son having a relationship with his grandparents was important, but it wouldn't be the role of the "favorite" grandparents. My parents live in FL and see my son 5 times a year- he LIVES for them! He calls them on the phone, Skypes weekly, sends pictures, etc b/c they reach-out to him too. It's a two-way street. With my MIL, it's very one-way and we've just accepted that. When he does see her, he has fun with her but we've stopped complaining about the lack of attention b/c it simply doesn't do any good!

I cant wait to read others who have been threw this. I have been considering the same thing with my mom. My parents are in the middle of a divorce and thou I have vowed not to take sides, it have drove me to dispise her! Two weeks ago was my son's 11th birthday she chose to go to her sisters house 3 hours away and go garage saling instead of joining us. Last week my son turned 12 and she stayed home because Dad was going to be there. But went and watched my neice show her calf at the fair the next day. Im glad she was there for my neice but it hurts me so much to see the disapointment on my kids faces when she didn't come... or even call. She lives 5 mins from us and wont call or stop over unless she wants something, usually info on what my dad is thinking or doing about what her lawyer sends him. She has pretty much stopped any contact with us because Im still talking to my Dad. Well I feel leave me out of it and walk away from me, fine. But don't hurt my kids in her twisted process!

Thanks for letting me rant... can't wait to see how others handled it. Good luck!!

If you want to spare your children the pain, then do not mention what the grandparents do with or for the other grandchildren.. Instead when they do see your parents make it a big and special deal.. And yes, it may be that you will have to do all of the work in getting together with your parents. Going to see them. Attending the celebrations of your siblings children etc.. It will be up to you,. Is it worth it? You decide..

It was worth it to us because we wanted no doubt in our childs mind that we made it a priority and they were the ones that dropped the ball.

How do I know this, because my husbands parents were exactly the same..We all live within 20 minutes of each other. His parents bent over backwards to be with his sisters children, but NEVER attended anything our daughter ever did unless it was at THEIR home.

Our daughter never realized this, because we never mentioned it to her. She loves her grandparents and they love her.

What ended up happening is that for our daughter graduation from high school, I was practically begging the inlaws to attend some events. Our daughter had many events because of scholastic awards, art shows, volunteer awards, scholarship, National Merit scholar.. Blah, blah, blah.. but they were just full of excuses. I finally told my MIL to at least try to act like she was interested. She even accused me of keeping her out of the loop! I was done.. Again never mentioned a thing to our daughter until.. My SIL and MIL accused me of not ever including them in anything.

This is when I finally told our daughter to read the email and understand I was no longer going to hide the facts from her.. She then told me she had long ago figured it out and not to worry about it any more.. Yes, our daughter sess these grandparents (reluctantly) but I do not have to make the effort any more.

Aaah. I'm sorry. No, I am lucky in regard to my folks. On occasion I have felt they gave more time to a sibling (a little jealousy) but I realized my folks know I don't need them as much as my sibling did at that time.

I can understand your hurt and frustration though. Who knows what is in your parents heads? Possibly they thought a 6 year old was old enough to be disappointed and therefore chose the older child. However, you are in the situation, not me and so I have to trust your feelings. It may be true that your parents favor your sister. If I were you I would ask myself whether this is true or whether I was being too sensitive, BUT EITHER WAY, I would not cut my folks out of my life.

I would suggest you keep working on your feelings and how to deal with your folks so that they don't hurt you so much. Learn some techniques to protect yourself, and your kids while still keeping them in your life. If you push them completely away won't your kids lose something? Also, it will probably cause a family rift, and I doubt you want that.

I do not know what to advise for you all I can do is tell you is thatyou are not alone and hopefully help you feel better with some details of my situation.

My mom Lives 4 hours away and my Inlaws live 10minutes, on with that said My mom has made it to swimming, baseball games and soccor games even some scout events9Too Many To Count). Now my Inlaws due to other drama have to come to my house to see the kids or the kids events, (not safe at theirs) My oldest has been swimming for 3 years they have made it to 1 event oh wait 2 events out of all those years and the last one was a big swim meet his 1st My hubby darn near had to drag her there. 1 soccor game no scout events and 2 baseball games and 1 t-ball game. But the kicker is that my inlaws never miss the other g-kids stuff, ever!! but then complain they have to come to our house. (Wait we are moving 20 minutes futher out in 2 years)
We extend the offer/keep them posted to all the upcoming events and they show up to what they show up to, to protect my kids I NEVER tell them G-ma&Gpa are coming. I let the suprise of them being there be that much more. I expect nothing more than exactly what I know I will get from them NOTHING, so the pain is minimized.

SMILE it is their loss!!

Coming from a family of eight I know how hard it is for everyone in the family to get along. Everyone has a different perspective and usually involves some disappointment and hurt. My parents are quite a bit older and so had had grandchildren in their lives since I was four years old. Even so I think they did (my father is gone now) a pretty good job of making them feel special. It doesn't compare with the involvement I see in neighbor children lives but I try to let that go. I get frustrated at times because my mother can't tolerate the noise level of young kids anymore and seems to have forgotten that high energy levels are normal. I know too that now having three children of my own, it is so hard to fill everyone's needs. It can be overwhelming and although I'm "dancing as fast as I can" I'm sure that all they hear is "wait a minute, or I can't right now..." that makes me sad but I also think it grows stronger kids.

That is so sad and I feel for you. I've had issues off and on that are similar but a little different too. My in-laws have "favorites" and it really hurts my daughter who is ignored by my MIL. My mom misses my kids' birthdays and their graduations and recitals for silly reasons like "OOPS, I fell asleep." She has some mental issues too. When things are extreme, I do step back from the relationships a little bit. I live my life without them and it seems to help them to reach out better. If they can't come see you each time, stop inviting them. Stop calling them if they continue to hurt you and your family. Hopefully, this will make them realize how much they miss you. Sometimes separation will help. I've had to do this in extreme situations like this and it has helped each time over the years. I know this is very painful, but don't take it personally. The problem is with your parents. I wish you the best.

Have you talked to your parents? You should if you haven't. One thing is your kids won't even realize the other kids get more attention as long as you don't make a big deal about it,unless your parents move closer.
My sister is a nut. We aren't sure how she got this way but she has been since she was 15 or so. My parents were so consumed with her and her unneccesary(sp) antics and the fact that my younger sister was so young they kind of forgot about me. My mom says it's because she knew I could handle the things going on. Now my sisters kids (and my sister) consume my parents lives. Her kids are just awful and she leaves them at my parents house all the time. My kids aren't aloud to be alone with my nephew(he is horrible to them) so they can't sleep over like they want and they feel left out and mad. I get mad and tell my mom all the time that it's not fair to my boys,I came last and now my kids do to. She says I am such a good mom and my sister isn't she feels bad for them. So while our situations are not the same I can see sorta where you're coming from and it stinks because as a good mom you want only good for your kids no matter what.
I suggest telling your parents how you felt about growing up(maybe they didn't realize) and how you want better for your kids. Find out why they don't want to spend time with them. Then decide how much contact you want to have. Get it all off your chest so you feel better and there is no bitterness towards them wich makes you more mad than a situation might call for. Good luck

I think that you focus on the people that do put your kids higher and don't expect them to be grandparents. It's obvious they favor other members of the family. I think it's a privilege to be a grandparent, and if they don't put forth more effort, then you don't have to, either. My BIL's parents seem to be very unsupportive when anything is asked of them, and BIL soldiers on with the friends and family who do support him.

How sad that they don't want to be close to their grandchildren! However, if you told them you didn't want them involved, I think one of two things might happen: either they will take it at face value and your children will not know their maternal grandparents, or they will be really hurt and it will cause a lot of tension with your siblings as well. As someone who tries to keep peace in my own family, I have had to change my thoughts about things many times. I always feel sad about that, I'd rather not have to change for them, but I have other relationships that are fullfilling for me, so it's not a huge deal in order to keep from fighting all the time or losing a family.

Instead of totally cutting them out, you might try changing your perspective about them. Instead of hoping and wishing they would come to a special occasion, tell them about it, tell them they are welcome to come, but never expect them to show up. That way, the few times they do, it's a nice surprise, but you and your kids won't be disappointed if/when they don't. I think you'd be a lot happier with your relationship if you didn't expect a thing from them. Your kids will call them by their grandparent name, but it sounds as it that's basically as far as it will go.

I don't know if you have in-laws who are involved, but either you can start leaning more towards building a grandparent relationship with them, or if they're not around, you could always try a "surrogate" grandparent at a retirement home. So many of them would love to have a relationship with children, and your kids would surely benefit from it too! I know the homes around here encourage visitors, and you could even talk to the director to see if there's a special resident or two who would love to interact with children. Who knows? Maybe the position of grandparent would truly be filled then.

what is their relationship like with your SO/Spouse? Do they particularly like him? Do you have enough space in your house? Not to pry...

And hey, they are YOUR kids...if you don't want some-time grandparents for them, it is your choice to exclude them from your childrens life. You do what's best for your children!

Your kids won't really care how much time they spend with grandma and grandpa, so don't do anything because of them.

Your parents do suck, but I think cutting off communication will ultimately hurt you more. Can't you just bring your 1 year old over to your sister's house and visit with them this weekend?

I'm probably somewhere around your mom's age, so I suggest when you see her you tell her that it hurt your feelings that they didn't come to your son's party. I know if my daughter told me that, I would try to remedy it. Maybe your mother will respond positively to that?

However, many people have crappy parents, so you're not alone. I suggest you take what is good from your relationship with them, and let the rest go.

I have a relationship with my parents, but a long distance one.
Growing up, I always resented my Dad for a lot of reasons. I resented my Mom for putting up with him. I wanted out! I married a month after I turned 20 (not to get out of the house but because he is still the man I am with after 14 years, I love him). That put tons of distance between my parents and myself. I live 15 hours away from them right now.
I love my parents. And honestly as I got older, my relationship with my Dad is better than it is with my Mom. They visit us once a year and we try to visit at least 2 times a year... Due to classes and a pending deployment I won't be able to go home until 2013. But it doesn't bother me.
I love them dearly but being apart from them is the best thing for me.

I am so sorry. My parents are the same and so were my husband's before they passed away. It is so hard for them when they see how great the grandparent of their friends are.
Learn to emotionally distance yourself, even if you have to do so through counseling.
Good luck and God bless.