My daughter is now four years old. She just turned four last month. Her mom and I are her parents and we all live together and have since day one. I am a stay-at-home-dad with, I feel, a good over all relationship with my daughter. Her mom goes to school two nights out of the week pursuing her Masters degree in 'Teaching in Art'. She works part time every day from 2-6 at a learning center for kids. Out of her 'free' time she studies, and helps to raise our child.
The issue that we have been dealing with lately, and it's not really an 'issue' as much as we'd really like to get some feedback as the normalcy of this kind of selective choice of our child.
For a little while now, our daughter has been asking, no, not asking really, but rather insisting that her mother be the one 'in charge' of executing her night time routine. This includes basically anything after teethbrushing on, such as story time, and rocking. I was fine with this for a while because I felt that it kind of let me 'off the hook' so to speak, but now that it has gone on and on I'm kind of feeling left out of that process. I have been telling myself that there is probably somekind of mommy/daughter need that is being fulfilled here and that I shouldn't take it personally. I have tried, ever so often, to initiate the routine myself spontaneously, but it has often ended with her asking for her mother at some point. The only real exception to this in recent history has been on the nights (2 a week) that her mother is in school when she is going to bed. There's not really a hitch then, ie. she goes through the routine just fine. She does usually mention at some point that she misses mommy and I console her and tell her that mommy will be home soon ( and sometimes, that she will look in on her once she comes home).
What we're wondering is what the modern child psychologist's response to this issue would be? Should we be more insistent in 'trading off' on heading up our daughter's night time routine or is this preferential desire natural and part of normal growth and development for a four year old child?
Trading off is key - Yes, insist on it. Otherwise it will be a disaster when the preferred parent is not available at bedtime for some reason.
Gee, you could have been my husband writing this!
I am not a psychologist - just a mom in a similar situation as you guys. My hubby (DD's dad) is the stay-at-home parent right now and I work 3 overnight shifts a week as an emergency veterinarian (Dad's been home with her since she was born). If I have to go into the work that night (shift starts at 6 pm), DH is in charge of the bedtime routine. Otherwise, if I am home, DD wants me to do it. DD would rather I do it and stay home with her every night but it just is not possible. This is NORMAL and I don't see any reason to insist on switching things up. If I am not home, DD goes to bed just fine for Dad - she would only insist on me being in charge if I am available. I figure this won't last forever, and as my mom would say, "They are only little for a little while!"
The thing is, DD is going to bed just fine with the routine we have (she is 3.5 yo) and is way more cooperative about it than many other kids her age. If your daughter is good about the routine, even if it means Mom has to do it when she is home, why mess with it? If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
This is normal. My sons only want mommy to do the bedtime routine which is exhausting at times. Kudos to you in wanting to do so and feeling left out. Some dads don't really mind if M. does it all the time until asked. The only time they adjust to dad doing it is when they don't have a choice. I think having your wife in school on certain nights makes her want to have her closer even the more. You said she goes to bed ok on other nights so it is not like she is totally against you putting her to bed, she just would rather M..
I think M. have a certain "babying" of them that we do and partly nurturing, that they prefer. Men do the job, but the tenderness is not the same, just different. Hope that makes sense.
My thought is that you're over-thinking this issue. Now, if she demanded Mom on the nights when Mom was in class and she couldn't be consoled and was crying uncontrollably, then I'd be worried. However, from what you say, she sounds like a well adjusted little girl who wants that special Mom time.
My husband works all day, and I stay home with our girls. Daddy does the bedtime ritual in our house so that our oldest (almost 4) can have that special one-on-one Dad time. Count it all blessings that you have your family all together and that your little girl gets a special time everyday with both you and her Mommy.
Both my girsl did this from about 2 onward - on and off - and are now 3 and 7. I am home much more with the girls than my husband, but they prefer me or "allow" him if I am there too. I know that I should appreciate it since they will only be little for so long. However, it drains me especially after being with them all day or even if I have been at work somedays. And I want to encourage a good relationship with my husband - which they do have, it is just a matter of controlling my behavior I think. So, I say no somenights and remove myself, often to tears and whines. But only while I am stanidng there. They need to learn I need my own time sometimes and they can't ignore dad.
I don't think tha tis exactly parallel to your situation, but it is my perspective. So I say, let them have Mommy if they "need": her - it is theri way of controlling what they can. After all, they can't control whether she goes to work, right? But your wife should probably say no once in awhile, just to show that sometime she simply can't and they have to be accomodating.
But try not to get your feelings hurt. This is definately normal. As I said, both my kids have done it with me more or less over the years. This probably won't be the last time for you.
With her mom going to school she just wants that closeness and attention from her mom when she is home. Like you said, she is just fine when the mom is not home. I think you said it right in your question, she is filling a mommy spot. It's more of a natural desire to want to bond with you and her mom.
It's sweet that you care, there's not too many men that are bothered by the things you are. Good for you for wanting to have a father/daughter closeness.
My daughter goes through her days where she is a mommy's girl and sometimes she is a grandpa's girl.
I'd say it is normal. Both our kids have always "needed" to have me physically "tuck them" into bed --- if I'm at home. My daughter is almost 10 yrs old, and she will still get very upset if I delay coming to "tuck her in" too long after she has gotten in bed (on the nights that Dad is in charge, i.e., says prayers with them, etc). If I am not at home... everything is fine. But if I am home and don't come do the "tucking" her feelings get hurt.
My son still likes it too (he is almost 13) but he won't get upset if I don't come in there... and if he is angry with me will purposely try to ignore me when I go to hug/kiss him goodnight. Yes, he's at THAT age, lol.
I'd say it is perfectly normal. My daughter is not a really hug-gy touchy feeling child during waking hours. She was more like that when she was younger.. but now it only comes out at bedtime. Let Mommy enjoy those moments, and try not to feel jealous. I wouldn't try to "trade off". If Mom isn't home, that is one thing. But if she IS home, then why wouldn't she go tell her goodnight? It can be a pain sometimes when you are trying to do something else (finish a baked thing to take to school the next morning for example)... but it really is sweet to take those few minutes. As they get older and older, we get fewer and fewer of those minutes.... so enjoy them while you can. You and Mom both! You could BOTH be in the room for story and prayers, couldn't you?
This is very natural. The first constant sound they hear in the womb is mother's heart beat. As crying newborns, even if they can't distinguish one female to other, they stop crying the moment the mother holds him/her close.
My both the children prefer my company for bed time. At time my husband feels let down. But there were also phases when they missed his 'tucking them into bed' routine. If I remember those were the days when he travelled abroad for many days! Probably distance made heart grow fonder (?!) in this case.
Daughters are more sensible, Goos luck!
it's perfectly normal. all kids go through phases where one parent is more popular than the other, and it also makes sense that one parent might be the bedtime soother for a while, but the other is the adventure partner.
doesn't mean this has to be catered to extensively. if mom is at school, then DD must be put to bed by daddy and she has to learn that too. but i wouldn't push it overall. it's a phase. next phase is already coming down the pike.
:) khairete
S.
Perfectly normal. I am the SAH parent and my 3 1/2 yr old daughter usually prefers her daddy to put her down. She also does just fine with me when he isn't home in time, although she always confirms that he's on his way home. I am a big believer in letting them make as many choices as possible. There are so many things they have no say in; they need to feel in control of something. On top of that, you are in charge of EVERYTHING else during the day, choosing mommy for bedtime is not just ok but probably a very good idea. She needs her mommy, too.
I think it is normal, but I would decide how you and DP feel about it. DH and I both work FT and we alternate bedtime (have since DS was born). If you want to do that, I am sure your daughter will adapt and enjoy the special time with each of you.
Good question! I think your daughter is continuing to advance in the aspect of life involving what she can control and what she can't. She misses her mom and wants to spend time with her when she can. And she has learned that by insisting "Mommy do it" that Mommy will. Not that this is a bad thing. She is expressing her wants / needs and as long as she is learning to do this in a reasonable way with self control appropriate for a 4 yr. old, I think all this sounds fine.
Good for you for being a SAHD and for caring about your daughter's healthy growth and development.
Well, I'm not a psychologist, but I think that this is normal. I think it is wonderful that you are able to stay at home with her and form that special bond with her. I think that it is normal for her to want some time with Mommy, too, and she has probably seen the bedtime ritual as that special time with her. My husband stayed at home with our two young kids for the past three years, and our routine was the same way; he took care of them during the day, we both spent time with them in the evening, and I would do the bedtime ritual with them at night. I would bathe them, read to them, and tuck them in. I saw it as my one-on-one time with them, while my husband had his time with them during the day. I think that you and your wife should do what you feel is best for your child; and it sounds like you are doing a great job. :-)
Your awesome! Can you help my husband out a bit? No but seriously there is a inate desire for her to want this closeness and over time it will change. Mine favor one over the other most days depending on whats going on
Well, I can't give you the child psychologist's response but I can tell you what happens in our house!
My 4 year old son loves me to death. Literally. If he could attach himself to my side 24-7 he would. And, if mommy would do night time every night he'd be the happiest boy on the planet.
However there are two catches: #1) we have a 16 month old who also needs his turns with mom and #2) mommy wants/needs a break!
My husband and I trade off kids on a nightly basis. If dad puts the baby to bed then I put the 4 year old to bed. Next night we switch. Does my son ask every night for me? Absolutely. Do we give in to his demands? Nope, because daddy time is just as important as mommy time.
I should have said this first but I think it is FANTASTIC that you are a willing partner in the process - so many moms complain on here that their husbands don't do jack when it comes to child care so kudos to you! If I were in your house, I'd keep up the trading off even though she balks at it. If it becomes a problem, send mom out of the house on "your nights" so she can get a coffee, a manicure, or do something/anything that she wants. While I don't think that your child is trying to overthrow the rule of your house and rule like a little dictator, it won't hurt her to understand process and procedure of the nightly routine with a little bit of resiliency thrown in, in the form of "you're not always going to get your way" and "daddy can be pretty cool at this night time routine, too".
Good luck!
Sounds normal. She probably just wants some her-and-mom special time. I think the comment about nurturing is true. I know that my son wants ME to read the books always. Never my husband. I think that's b/c dad skips pages and doesn't show inflection in his voice and doesn't do 'voices' when reading.
So maybe mom is holding her special or rubbing her back differently than you do. Maybe mom brushes her teeth more gently or makes funny noises while brushing that you don't do.
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Esp since she does do fine when mom's gone. Maybe she needs a special weekend for 'girls' to go get her nails done (mani-pedi) with mom and out for an ice cream or movie or just out shopping.
Sometimes my oldest, who is also 4, has hurt my feelings a little because he absolutely favors his father for nearly everything! Everyone says it's normal (he's a daddy's boy, daddy works a lot and he wants daddy's attention, and he's with me most of the day all of the time, I take him to all of his activities and am assistant coach on his soccer team so he WANTS dad, blah blah). HOWEVER: I have noticed that he wants his dad to read him a story and talk to him while he's getting dressed for bed, but it "must" be me to brush his teeth, go over his calendar and talk about the day, pray, and if he's sick, it must be me to rock him. I think there's just something to babyhood that comes into play with going to sleep. For my youngest, he's a wrestler, a little guy's guy, and all about the rough and tumble stuff. But again, when he's sleepy, he gets his blanky and comes to me. I've noticed that he hums and sighs the same thing I used to do when rocking him as an infant. Like a weird little song that I did, and he somehow remembers it and mimics it now when I'm resting with him. Don't take it personally. (I hate it when people tell me that regarding the daytime activities and dad though, ha).
