Mothers Love?

If he is not physically mean to you or your daughter you do what makes you happy you are the one who has to live with the decision noone else.Trust me i have been in the same situation if you love someone you should be with that person noone knows how you feel but yourself and you have to make yourself happy first. good luck my prayers are with you and Katie

if he loves you & katie then let him come to you.......you left him for good reasons & your family probably knows quite a bit about why you left him......sometimes others see much clearer than we do & if you trust your families judgement then listen to them

There is only one thing you have to remember and that is that this is your LIfe (not your families or your mothers-it's yours). As a mother you know what decisions are best for you and your daughter. If you want to work on the relationship I say work on it...Even if it doesn't work this time you'll be able to tell your child that you tried, that's better than just giving up with out a fight. Don't let your family get in the way of "your" family-not if you think there is a chance that things can be worked out. I'd understand if you think that there's no chance and it's be a waste of time but I can tell by what you wrote that that's not how you feel. Before or if you go back set your priorities and give him an ultimatum...Let him know if things doesn't change this time then your gonna have to leave and for good...

From the way it reads, and correct me when if I'm wrong, You and him are not married? However,you chose this man to be the father of your child, to start a new life with him. When you do that you are supposed to be as 1, not still living separate lives, It's not turning your back on your mom, it's living your life as a family. Unless he is abusive, You are going to hurt your little girl more by not going back. She will grow up confused and believing "If the going gets tough, RUN". She needs her dad MORE than you do and more than she needs to have the best clothes and toys. As far as fighting, be adults, not selfish. Money? there have been times that we only had $40 for food for the week. Through the grace of God, we made it work and has greatly blessed us. Pray, ask Him for guidance

If you were arguing & fighting then what makes you think it will be different now? Are you both willing to go to counseling to figure out how to stop the arguing & fighting? I like the one Mom's idea to have him come to you. I don't know that uprooting your daughter is the best thing right now. Whatever decision you make do not make it without the guidence of a counselor even if it is going by yourself.

Good luck & God Bless!

The best thing for your little Katie is to be out of the fighting! The fighting is much worse for her than growing up in a single parent home. She needs a calm, stable, supportive environment to live in. By being in a negative environment, she is learning that a woman should be treated that way! Stay in Alabama. If he really wants to be with you and your daughter, he'll move to Alabama and get a job (or two).

I did what you are talking about: I stayed with a man who thought mostly of himself, wouldn't keep a job and was always demeaning to me to keep our "family" together. Having finally gotten away from him, I realize how bad the fighting was. I'm sorry I wasted so many years with someone who didn't appreciate us and wouldn't support his family. I didn't realize how much the fighting affected my daughter. My daughter was 8 when we divorced and is now 10. She is much happier, less reserved. She even wrote a paper stating that "Divorce Is A Good Thing." She was recognized for it at her school and was selected to read the paper at a ceremony in front of the school district and parents representing the entire 4th grade. A few months ago, her dad came around wanting to move in with us "just to get on his feet." The first thing my daughter whispered to me when she heard him was "you're not going to let him. Are you?" No, I didn't let him and amazingly, he got off his butt and got a job and apartment and was just fine. Guys like that will just keep using you. You and your daughter don't need him around. Make sure you get child support from him, too. Even if you don't "need" it. Your child deserves to be supported by both of her parents. Put it in a savings account for her college if there is any extra. If he whines about it, think of how much you pay for her each month.You need a larger house when you have a child, pay more utilities, buy food, toys, etc. If he gripes about not being able to get a job, etc think of what you would do if you were him. Wouldn't you be out working one or two or even three jobs to make sure your daughter was well taken care of? Would it matter what kind of job it was? I'd work any job, and often have, to support my family.

Stay with your parents and take care of yourself and your daughter. Don't get back with the guy unless he grows up and proves himself to you by treating you with courtesy and respect, getting and keeping a job and supporting your daughter. Make sure he does these things for at least a year to prove he'll stay with it! You and your little Katie deserve someone who will love you, be supportive of you, and who is mature and responsible. Don't settle for less for yourself and most especially for her.

Good luck.

G.

DO NOT BACK DOWN! I assume you moved to Alabama to have the support of your family in raising your daughter. Recognizing the relationship you were in was toxic to yourself and your daughter and then making a move to the opposite side of the country says alot about your stength and intellegence.

Sometimes when we stay in a difficult or bad situation for an extended period of time we become more comfortable with the bad than the good and have a tendancey to gravitate back to the bad because it is familiar even though we can logically recognize it is harmful to us. This creates the "lost and confused" fellings you expessed and this is extemely normal for anyone who makes a posative change in their life as you have. The more time you spend with the posative support of your family the less you will be able to tolerate the negative behaviors that occoured in your previous relationship.

You say "I honestly want to work things out for Katie's sake" and I think at this very moment things HAVE worked out for Katie's sake.

Building a good relationship between yourself and the father so it can be a posative example of a loving relationship for Katie and a healthy experiance for everyone IS A SEPAPARATE ISSUE. It will probably take a few years of regular counseling, both self-work for you and the father and then couples couseling which can be done over the phone, to improve the psycological health of the both of you to work things out for Mom & Dad. And even then you may see that "together" is not what is best.

As for the father's relationship with Katie it will not be healthy until he is.

Although financial problems can put a lot of strian on the relationship, it often is the catalist for bringing other long standing psycological health issues to the surface. Depending on what else you and he had going on in your relationship you may qualify for free counseling.

Hang in there you are doing the right thing!
L.

This may be a longer answer than you wanted but here's what I would recommend. To help determine if he's a good man and worthy of being in your life and your daughters do this .. make a list of the type of man you want your daughter to fall in love with when she is grown. Is her father this type of man? If not, he may not be good for either of you. If the reason is purely financial that he isn't suitable, tell him that you love him but you can't leave the security of your family until he is (PERIOD!). That doesn't matter if he's just laid off from a job or prefers to not work. You and the father MUST be able to financially support your daughter to provide a good home for her. As you say, "for Katie's sake" what would you tell a friend in this case? Sometimes you just need to sit and simply answer the questions, look at it on paper if that would help. Stop dwelling and over-thinking it. Get your answers of what is best for Katie and stay on that course. If it's best for your daughter, it's the best for you too.

Hey A. I do not want to sound like I am preaching at you...at this point this would be the last thing that you need. You left for a reason. Space and time to heal would be my first objective. Sometimes distancing yourself from an emotional upheaval can make people realize what is important in their lives. Your family loves you and wants you to be happy. If you came to them with heartache and pain regarding your treatment how can you expect them to want to see the two of you back together with your newborn baby? You have the love of your family and time is on your side....use this time wisely before jumping back into an unhealty relationship. Let him come to you on your terms with solutions to financial problems, emotional outbursts and proof in your own mind that he is adult enough to love not only you but the child both of you created.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is to try to make things work between your husband. Everybody fights and argues when they're married. But you don't leave. You work it out until the problems are resolved. And for your daughter to have both her mommy and daddy present in her life and in a loving, caring relationship with each other are the best things for her. I would suggest reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Dr. Laura shows how easy it is to have a good marriage. And a good marriage is good for the husband, the wife, and any children involved. Your husband should come before your mother and the rest of your family. You married him and made vows and commitments to him. Your family shoul be sending you back to him, not telling you to stay away. A divorce from your husband is not what's best for anyone. So, go back to your husband and try again. Treat him more like your boyfriend instead of your husband. Study his likes and dislikes again. Ask him to treat you like his girlfriend. Do romantic and silly things like you did when you were dating. I bet that will help you learn a lot about each other again. People change over the years. Well, I hope this helps. I'm out of ideas. LOL Good luck! (Oh one more thing: I would suggest avoiding counselors as much as you can. Most counselors these days are feminists and end up only putting all the blame on the men. If you do decide to go to a counselor, try to find one that isn't going to take your side. Find one that's going to listen to both sides of the story and really try to help you. If you can, though, really try to work it out for yourselves. You two know each other better than some stranger.)

I agree a hundred percent with Sheila. Go with your intuition. cause it is always right. Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry - what a difficult place to be when you feel torn. Your daughter is your first priority. If your relationship is not healthy then you and your husband need out side help. Counseling would be very important to know if this relationship is fixable and can be healthy. It can be if both you and your husband are willing to change. If he's not willing to go to counseling and learn better communication skills, parenting skills, etc., then he's not as committed as you think. Your family want to protect you because they love you. But they can not live this life for you. They need to support whatever decision you make for your family. Try to take the "emotions" out of your decision process. Listen to your families concerns and consider and them, But you must live this life, not them. I'm lifting you in prayer and I am so sorry your hurting and being torn by others who love you.