Sigh. I wish I could say that my mother is great, but she isn't. She is negative, selfish and unable to really see past her own nose. She tries hard to be there, but she doesn't actually listen, so she isn't really ever there, if that makes any sense. I am usually OK with her being HER, but when I am pregnant, I can't stand her.
Case in point, when I told her the other day that I was pregnant this was our exchange:
"Do you really think your father and I can handle three?"
"You have to remember, mom, that when this baby is 2, M will be 7 and R will be 5."
"Oh"
"You don't sound too happy about this baby?"
"I have my worries."
"Like what?"
"Your house is too small. Your 40. You have two perfectly healthy children already. You just don't know what it's like to be a mother of an adult. The worry is terrible."
I was devastated when I got off the phone. I was so happy to be pregnant, and here is my own mother telling me negatives about having a baby when I am ALREADY PREGNANT. No congrats, just negativity! Needless to say, she hasn't brought it up again since, and I doubt she will until she absolutely has to. She isn't happy about this, and while I know she will warm up, I am not looking forward to dealing with her through this pregnancy. This is the woman who told me I was fat when I was 8 months pregnant! (I only gained 23 lb on that pregnancy!) This is the woman I didn't talk to for a week after the birth of my second child because she was terrible the day after his birth (brought me dinner, trashed the house with the 2 year old, and expect ME --recovering, bleeding like crazy!-- to serve dinner and clean up! She then got mad at me when she made a comment about raising my kids in religion and I had to tell her that they were MY KIDS, and that I would raise them as I saw fit)
OK ladies, I need preventative strategies. My mom is very much in my life, she likes visiting with her grandkids at least once a week, so how do I handle her? I have lots of useful phrases I use for different things (like when she gets critical of how I do something, I say "this is how I do it, and that is OK" But how do I hormonally handle this woman that never says anything nice to me?
She is the Narcissistic Mother. She totally unable to see anything through anyone else's eyes but her own and they only see negativity.
My Mom was exactly like that. I was suppossed to be a carbon copy of her and when I became my own person she resented me.
There is a website for recovery from a narcissistic parent. It might help you to deal with her.
Why does she have to be in your life a lot, J.? Can't you say to her "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything"? Why didn't you let her have it for talking to you like this about your pregnancy?
I know that showing our parents respect is optimal. But respect is a two way street. You can choose to be her door mat or you can tell her that you don't appreciate being talked to this way and that she needs to put a filter between her head and her mouth when she talks to you.
Try telling her that you are not up for a visit when she tries to come over this week. When she asks why, tell her you are still upset over her uncalled for remarks. And DON'T let her excuse what she said. Using THIS example, stay firm and in control of the conversation. Show her a consequence (like you would a child) and don't have her over. She will think twice before giving you more zingers next time because she will realize that she'll miss seeing the grands for a week.
You have to stick to this. I've got the sweetest mom a daughter could ever have, but she got on this kick a couple of years ago about something that she just wouldn't let go of and I wasn't going to keep having to hear about it. I had to put her in her place. I didn't enjoy it, but at least I don't have to hear about it anymore. I wasn't unkind, and you don't have to be either, but you do have to stand up for yourself if you want this stuff to quit.
Good luck!
Dawn
J.,
It is never easy to deal with someone who sees the negative of life all the time. It's discouraging, and it hurts more when it is your mother. But before you begin to focus on you and your situation, step back for a moment and try to think back as to when the "expectations" of both you and her became "not perfect", because that is what it is.
Sounds to me she is disappointed about something in your life, something she has not had enough courage to mention. So she throws out insults and injuries hoping you would get a clue and wake up, but it only causes more pain.
Flat out ask her what it is about you that she does not like. If she does not have anything in particular, then you would have gotten that out of the way that it is not YOU. The next focus then would be HER.
If she is always being negative, it is possible that is her personality and some people are not as willing to change/adjust. All she sees when you mentioned being pregnant is more work for her (babysit). She is more focused on what part SHE will play in this whole thing. Yes it is selfish, but it doesn't have to be selfish in a bad way. She simply does not have the ability to look beyond HER situation, so you have to TELL her. Awaken her conscience by letting her know what a beautiful thing it is and reassure her you will be able to handle it (in her mind she thinks you cannot handle 3-negative again)
So the point is, counteract the negative with positive reassurance. She seem to come around after a while, so as you've done with your response to say it is how you do it and it is ok, continue making comments like that. Also, reflect back on her with question type responses "M., do you think that is something nice for you to say", M., thanks for that comment, but I would rather you show appreciation", "M., it does sound like a bad thing, but it is not"...etc.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!
With your mom, you need to set boundaries and don't be around her so much. Don't allow her to speak to you this way. She does not have that right. She will also treat your children like this as they get older. I have learned as I get older, I do not have to be around people that treat me with disrespect, including family. Your mom is toxic. I am so sorry you have to deal with her negative attitude at this special time. If you are going to continue to have her around so often then you need to take control, even if that means it upsets your mom. Why is it acceptable for her to hurt your feelings out of insensitivity, but you aren't willing to stand up for yourself b/c you don't want to hurt her feelings? Your worth standing up for - don't candy coat it, just do it!
I don't really have any advice to help you deal with your mother but I can commiserate with you.
I had been married for two years, and paired with my guy since we were both sixteen. I was twenty seven years old and pregnant with my first child. I waited three months, to make sure I had truly caught and the chance of miscarriage was less.
I called my parents up and my mother answered. I told her the good news and she about screamed my ear off. She breathlessly relayed the news to my father and I heard his response. The first comment he had about the fact that I was going to have a baby was a big fat sarcastic eye-rolling, "Oh GREAT."
I was immediately 16 again and could feel the heavy scrutiny and that tightness in my stomach as if I were about to be reprimanded for doing something very stupid. I could have been forty and he still wouldn't have thought me ready to move onto the next stage of life!
I'll carry that little stinging sound-clip in my mind forever.
I feel your pain.
You've gotten great advice so far so I won't repeat. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone! My mother is almost exactly like that. But she is more negative and critical in a passive aggressive way. It was much harder for me when my kids were little. It WILL get better for you because the longer you are a mother the stronger you get. So hang in there!
Oh, and I also wanted to mention that when we got pregnant with our third I was surprised at the somewhat negative reaction from people, even friends! There was kind of a "but you already have a girl and a boy" attitude, and people overall were just more lukewarm about it, it was weird. Except my MIL, she was THRILLED!
I am so sorry. I had a difficult mom too. She seemed to delight in the misery of others and liked to suggest that whatever was going on in your (our) life was somehow not what we wanted.
My best suggestion to you is not to buy into it. Don't ask her questions when you know you won't like the answers. Don't ask "like what?" Don't invite her negativity. If she makes a negative comment, the only response you need to give is, "We are very excited for this pregnancy!" Just keep repeating. If she won't get off topic, just say, "Gotta hang up now, nice chatting with you, bye." Don't get into it with her.
I could write a book on this topic. When I told my mother I was pregnant with my third, she said,... pause, pause, pause..."Oh." Then she criticized him for years.
In brief, you can't change that type of person, you can only stand your ground, FIRMLY and bluntly.
"Mom, you will not talk about my kids like that." "Mom, if you don't like it, leave, and come back when you can be nice." "Mom, don't make hurtful comments if you want a good relationship with me." Make strong, firm statements like that, and then don't listen to any arguments. If she tries to argue, REPEAT the statement. Make her leave if you need to, and let her come back when she can be nice.
By the time I became very blunt and began doing this (and it works), there was a lot of water under the bridge. I suggest you start it now, before there is too much water under the bridge.
you need to develop some really good shielding techniques. it's hard with a mom because we deep down EXPECT support and good energy from our mothers so we don't instinctively shield against negative ones.
but if you are choosing (and how strong of you!) to keep her in your life to this extent, you've got to actively work on maintaining emotional and psychological barriers that will allow you to be in whatever mood you are- which will sometimes of course not be good- without being affected at all by what she brings into your presence.
there are several different ways of doing this. perhaps the simplest is just visualization. find a visual that appeals to you (sphere of light, translucent bubble, semi-permeable membrane, fish scales that louvre open and closed, robe of butterflies, dragons that swim continuously around you, spiderweb) and put it in place whenever you're in contact with her. at first it will require lots of attention, and rebuilding when she tears it down. but over time it will become unconscious, impregnable and automatic. and the nice thing is that you can use it in any sort of tense or difficult situation.
congratulations on your pregnancy! i hope you enjoy every last minute of it.
:) khairete
S.
I find her comment "Do you really think your father and I can handle three?" to be very, very odd. "Handle" three? Do they sit for you or something? I know you say they visit once per week....but "handle"? Are you not there or something?
Look, we all get to the point where we see our parents as PEOPLE, not our parents. I suspect you are there. Let her unsolicited advice and rude comments roll off your back.
Your life. Your home. Your kids. Your choices.
It really CAN be that simple. You have to learn to let things go sometimes. And pick your battles.
Example: There will be no need to come & bring you dinner the day after you get home with this O., right? You tell HER when's a good time, be specific. Like "Mom, you can stop by after dinner, around 7, until I put XYZ to bed...."
If mom is behaving badly, you may have to step out of your comfort zone with her and deal with it directly.
Be very clear that it is hurtful to you that she can't be supportive or find one nice thing to say about the pregnancy. I'd see what she has to say-- if she turns it on you (accusing you of inconveniencing her, making her worry, or acting like a martyr about it) or apologizes. That says a lot.
(I've been through similar experiences with my mom, however, she is very mentally ill so it could be a profoundly different kettle of fish.)
I think Dawn and AMom2 both had good advice if you are wanting to stay in relationship with your mom.Their methods would be my first route. Reverend Ruby also had an excellent suggestion of getting further resources if need be.
Even if it's not narcissism (and I'm not saying it is... my experience is only my own), she may have an extremely high level of anxiety. Is she able to express positive feelings and support at all? Does she only give it to other family members, but not to you? Just some things to think about...
And at some point, if you are hormonal and she's still dumping on you-- well, if you lose your patience and dump on her, so be it. **YOU are not a landfill for her negative emotions**. SHE does not get to put her feelings above or in front of anyone else's feelings. Your pregnancy is not, and should not, be about her. She should have either said "congratulations!" to you or she should have said "oh, something's boiling over on the stove, I'll call you back" and gotten off the phone and vented her 'worries' to someone else, like a good mom would do. She should be letting you enjoy your pregnancy...
And to that, congratulations. I hope you enjoy it thoroughly!
You're my age, so I'm going out on a limb and guessing that your mom is a baby boomer. Boomers are boomers, self-absorbed, passive-aggressive, and competitive (on some level I bet she's competing with you). (Yes, boomers have some nice qualities too, but that's not relevant to your question.) Mine is the same way. You just have to call it what it is, look past it, ignore her comments, and just focus on your family. Stop wasting time and energy worrying about her. You literally have to get to a place where you just don't give a &^%$. It gets much easier after that.
Many years ago someone gave me a bit of advice that helped me immensely in dealing with my mil, who could be very much as you describe. It was in the form of a book by Joyce Landorf called "Irregular People." In it she suggested that we look at these people as if they have a handicap (I'm not sure that's a politically correct word any longer), but you can understand the meaning. Others here have given you good practical advice--limit exposure, limit the questions you ask, respond firmly as necessary--but for your 'mental picture' of that with which you are dealing, 'irregular' describes it very well. And as with other 'irregular' things in life, you must treat them differently. You must keep your family unit as you and your spouse want it, and leave the extended situation at a 'distance' (mentally, and physically when necessary) where it doesn't interfere.
J.
