Motherless Moms - How Do You Cope?

I am so sorry that you are going thru this . I have my mom alive but she has chosen to not be a part of my kids lives, and she was what I considered my best friend, with my first child she was always there , if I had a question or needed advice at 2 in the mornin she was there. Now I have 2 more kids and she says they are not her grand kids and she wants nothing to do with them. We moved a couple states from her a couple yrs ago and what has happened is I found some wonderful older women who adore my kids and have taken them as their grandkids. They love them more than she ever could.. I wish you all the best ,

Don't you have a mother in law? My mother in law is my kid's grandma and the one they are closest to.

I guess I was brought up to be independent, I don't talk to my mother in law, didn't talk to my mom (dead a few years now) or my foster mom that often about child stuff. I talk to my sister a lot.

I am in the same situation as you, except that I have my husband's family for support. My Mom also died of cancer (5 years ago) before I even got pregnant with my first child. My Dad has decided to invest his time and effort with his girlfriend's family and not his own, so I feel that when she died, we also lost a grandfather as well. My mother in law lives in town and is a help when she can be, but my sister and moved in with her family, so I can't exactly count on support when I need it b/c grandma is occupied with another grandchild, who is often in her care. Our other grandpa lives overseas, but my husband is not very close to him anyway.

I grew up with 3 grandparents, but only had a relationship to 2 of them, and they have since passed on. I often feel sad for my children because they won't ever know my mother and barely know my father. Friendships and other family relationships (like my uncle and aunts) have become more important to us all.

It took a long time for me to heal from her death, and even still I get a little misty eyed over certain things that remind me of her, or my childhood. A lot of children have lost 1 or more grandparent, so I think as our children grow up, it will not be such a factor amon their piers, and hopefully other family, friends or church members can help offer support to you and your family.

Try to attend a grief support group... that is what my Mom did when my Dad died. It helped her immensely and she made some good friends there.... good people.

I wondered how my kids would feel without a Grandpa... my Dad. But, since they were born, I talked about my Dad.... as though he were still "here." They have grown up, "knowing" their Grandpa... and they honestly LOVE him... and they, on their own, talk about him... and it is very loving. They know Grandpa is up in Heaven... and that he is THEIR Grandpa... they have done fine... and are fine, without a Grandpa here and now. They understand. It is a regular normal life... for them. Since I have always talked about "Grandpa" to them since they were born.

I miss my Dad... everyday. He was a tremendous man and Father. And its saddens me to think he never got to know my kids... But I know, that he is still loved and a "part" of our lives. At Christmas, we even hang up a stocking for him at the fireplace. We include him.. and me and the kids/Hubby, go to the cemetary to put flowers for him. It is our "norm."
My kids LOVE going to put flowers for my Dad, their Grandpa, at the cemetary.
They love him. Just as though he were here.
I tell my kids, that Grandpa loves them too, and is their special Angel... my daughter even talks to him... and has a special connection with him. She said that when she was born... Grandpa visited her. She knows things about him, on her own, that is her knowing him. And she really loves him. It is tangible for her and my son. They can look at photos of the family and pick out Grandpa... and they smile and hug the photo.
To my kids, they STILL do have a "Grandpa."

All the best,
Susan

Its up to you to keep that memory alive. My mom passed away from colon cancer when I was 19 years old. I have no siblings, and neither did my mom, my dad also lived in a different state. I feel robbed at times because my daughters don't have their maternal grandma but all I can do at this point, is make a scrap book with pictures or any keepsakes, talk to them about my mom and keep the memory alive. Show them pictures, possibly visit the grave when the weather allows. Another thing I learned, just because I don't have my mom... I cannot stop being a mom. I have to give it my all and be the greatest mom I can be in to my girls so that they don't feel that void as much. Don't wallow away in self pity, just turn it right around and be the best mom you can be for your children.

I lost my mother in 2006, to cancer - she was 58. I had one child then, and now I have a daughter who she never met. that saddens me.
I live in a different country to my family, I emmigrated to the states 6 months after my mother died, so sometimes I feel very alone.

I have joined a mops group which is really helpful to have support of other mothers, I also have an excellent mother in law, I am lucky there I know.

I think you're children will be fine not having a grandma, maybe you can make sure you talk a lot about your mother, show them pictures, and tell them funny stories about what your mother did - thats what I do, for myself to keep her memory alive, and for my children to get a feel for her.

It really took a long time to get over the loss, and I still cry a lot about it, join groups, and church activities - thats about all you can do.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother 4 years ago (she is who gave me the support and needed advice). I am not close to my mom and I have lost all of the paternal side of my family - dad and grandparents. I don't have a magic button but I always think of her and wonder what she would do - luckily, I knew very well and feel I do what she would suggest. I 'talk' to her a lot. And, I cry! I let it all out. Even four years later the pain is fresh. Luckily, my husband completely understands and he talks about her too. Unfortunately, I do not have many pictures but I see her face everyday when I look in the mirror.

Could you try to connect with an older person to become a surrogate grandparent? Maybe through your church,or neighbourhood? There are lots of Seniors who are alone,far from family who would love to do so. You could try a Senior's group in your area....

Stephanie,

My heart goes out to you. I lost my mom when I was pregnant with my son who is now almost 2. I am not an only child, but my siblings (two brothers, are significantly older). All of my grandparents have past away, as well as my great aunts-the other female relatives I was closest too. I have my 76 year old father who tries to help out as much as he can. I appreciate his involvement as it has increased as my son gets older, but I think I can still relate to some of what you are feeling. Other new moms I know have their mothers, grandmothers, aunties, sisters, etc. Being a mom is a hard job & it would be nice to get the (hopefully) unconditional love & support & advice that a mom or other close relative can give. Not to mention the babysitting-and it's more than babysitting-it's your child having a relationship with their grandparent.

It sounds like you and your mom were super close. In my case, my mom and I had a much better, closer relationship the last 10 years of her life. We were never best friends, but we enjoyed a nice relationship before she past away. Realistically, I am certain that if she were still here, she would not have been well enough to be of much help-either hands-on or just emotionally for me and my son. On the other hand, I often wish she could just see my son, talk to him, play with him in whatever way she might have been capable of doing. I feel sad & started crying just thinking about this. Ughh! It is hard! I am sad that my son doesn't get to know her either. My mother-in-law works full time & has a lot on her plate in her own life. My father-in-law and his wife hardly ever see our son, even though they live near by. I know I have spent a lot of time questioning everything about my parenting. Even my husband says that I often question myself. I think there is something to be said about the kind of support you and I are both missing.

Some things that might help, that I am finding helpful include talking to a therapist. I actually felt fine when I was pregnant. I thought I felt sad b/c of the loss of my mom but that I was handling it well, so I didn't seek out therapy like my midwife suggested until my son was about 6 mos. old. I wish I had started sooner! I ended up taking a really low dose of antidepressant medication too, which really helped. I have tried several different new mom's groups. Neither one was perfect, but the longer I network & keep getting involved in different activities, I feel that I am finally meeting some other women I can connect with & get support from. In my case, I do have a sister-in-law who is much older than me. She's not nearby, but at times she's been very supportive. If you can just connect with one person, someone who can be supportive, that may be just what you need. Maybe your husband can talk to his mom about what you are going through? Perhaps she could come and visit or be more available by phone? Perhaps together you can make it possible for your husband's parents to become a bigger part of your childrens' lives. Does your husband have any aunts or sisters you could reach out to? Do you have any other relatives you can connect with?

Another thing I try to do (not always the best at it) is to keep my mom alive by making sure my son sees grandma's picture & to make sure he knows all about her. I like to believe that my mom knows my son & can see him & would love him unconditionally & be there for us. It helps me to think of that. I also have to focus on what I do have and not compare or think about what we are missing out on (compared to other women I know). As hard as it is, try to focus on how wonderful your mom was & how your relationship with her was. Sounds like she was an incredible mother who loved you a lot & you can be the same kind of parent to your children as she was to you. I would highly recommend talking to a therapist or finding a support group to sort out your feelings and to get more support.

Good luck to you!

J.

I am sorry for your loss. And it's obvious by your pain that you had a great mom! Hang on to that :) My mom is still around, but I had a terrible relatonship with her growing up and I still do. I don't seek her advice or support, even with having my kids. And although I see her, I have hard time swallowing being around her and wanting her being involved with my kids. i struggle with not wanting to keep from them but at the same time wanting to keep her away. As hard as it is that your mom is gone, embrace the love you have for her, and she for you. Find some comfort in being able to tell your kids what a great mom and woman she was. Keep her with you that way. And I bet she is up there pulling for you and helping you, even if you can't see her. Maybe make a memory book about her, so that as your kids get a little older you can look through it with them, and they can know her that way. And maybe through church, friends, other kids family you may find a "surrogate" grandma for them. But either way, they'll be okay. They obviously have a loving mommy :)

I'm so sad for you! My mom is a breast cancer survior and I don't know what I'd do if we didn't have her. My husband and I were transferred here 3.5 years ago and it's really hard not having her around all of the time. I know it's nothing compared to how you feel though. It's hard living in a place and meeting new people and actually becoming friends. But anyway, I know everyone says it but time will bring healing more and more as it passes. I lost a brother to cancer almost 10 years ago and it is so sad but it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before. My mom was here on his birthday this year and was really having a hard time so I went out and bought a birthday cake and we watched a video that I had made for his funeral. It was really nice. The best advise I can give you is to do stuff like that. Let your children know her by celebrating her life and your memories of her even if it makes you sad or cry. It is ok to be sad & cry!

My heart absolutely goes out to you. I, too, lost my mother from cancer--though I was 15 when it happened--and I am also not very close to my father and I don't feel comfortable talking to my mother-in-law about certain things. Do I feel cheated out of being able to share with her my graduations? wedding day? My kids and all those milestones for them? Absolutely. But the only thing I can do is teach my two children (ages 6 yrs and 8 mos) about how wonderful she was and how much she would have loved them and all the things she used to do with me when i was little that I can now teach to them. My son now refers to her as though he knew her, even though she passed away 10 yrs before he was born. Because of the stories he's heard, he is able to retell them as though he was there. I love it!

I definitely wish I had her around to give guidance. Instead, I've learned that it's ok to lean on my friends for help (very hard for someone who prides on being independant) and support and to ask them what they did in a particular situation with their kids. And they understand that I don't really have anyone else.

I hope that you have a strong one or two friends that can be your support. And one of the best treasures you can do is teach your children some of the things your mom would do and make sure they know where it came from. Pretty soon, they may feel like Grandma is in their lives, even if she's not physically here anymore.

Good luck!

OMG! I so know how it feels. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when my daughter was 6 months old and it was the heartbreak of my life. I feel like you, I was grieving for my daughter not having her grandmother and for the support I needed from my mother. I felt so lost and so clueless as I guess I assumed my mother would always be there as a grandmother and as a shoulder. I can tell you that what did help me get through it was holding my baby and realizing that she is part of my mom and I had to be strong for her and to do the best I could. My daughter is 8 years old now.

Hi Stephanie B. I lose my mother(who was 93 when she died) almost two years ago. But not a day gos by that I don't think of her. You didn't say what kind of cancer she had but most of them are very painful and there's plenty of suffering involved. although you miss her dearly, you wouldn't want to continue to see her suffer and she won't want you to continue to be sadden about her passing. And you will have to be strong for your children. Tell them about all the good times you shared with her. You may want to seek counseling to help you with this. I don't know what your faith is but my faith tells me one day I will see my mother again. Because none of us is going to live forever. Death is one debt that we all had to pay. Sometimes we'll lose some one sooner than we would like but this is something we have know control of. Pray to your mother everyday and she will come to you in your dreams. It worked for me.

Updated

Hi Stephanie B. I lose my mother(who was 93 when she died) almost two years ago. But not a day gos by that I don't think of her. You didn't say what kind of cancer she had but most of them are very painful and there's plenty of suffering involved. although you miss her dearly, you wouldn't want to continue to see her suffer and she won't want you to continue to be sadden about her passing. And you will have to be strong for your children. Tell them about all the good times you shared with her. You may want to seek counseling to help you with this. I don't know what your faith is but my faith tells me one day I will see my mother again. Because none of us is going to live forever. Death is one debt that we all had to pay. Sometimes we'll lose some one sooner than we would like but this is something we have know control of. Pray to your mother everyday and she will come to you in your dreams. It worked for me.

I understand what it's like to have lost your mom (i had lost mine to lung cancer in 96) and i had twins in 2001. My husband's parent's are both dead and my dad died when i was 7.
One of the things that i did that really helped was I started showing my kids some pictures of their grandmother, told them a few good memories, etc.
We;re lucky that we're close to my husband's sister and her husband and we've adopted his mom as our "grandma Shirley".
If you're not close with any elderly folks in the area, you can also do what we did--see if there's a convalescent home of some sort either thru your church or community. If so, there are a lot of elderly folks that are alone, no family etc. and they'd love some company from volunteers--your daughter gets the benefit of wisdom and they get the benefit of youth and companionship. You'd be amazed how much of a win win situation it is.
good luck and reach out.

I also can relate...I am 25 and lost my mom when I was 21. I have a 6 year old who was placed up for adotion the day of my moms memorial and a new 9 month old baby girl. I struugle with who to call when my daughter has a sunburn or a diaper rash...my mom was there with my first daughter as I gave her up when she was 6 months old...and it is hard. I have pictures of my older daughter and my mom that I already show my daughter now. I have no family it's just me and her. I know that when she gets older its going to be different because she won't have the extended family that most kids do, but i am comforted by the knowledge that she has one particular angel in heaven that loves her dearly and will protect her..her grammy...

Hello Stephanie. I have walked in your shoes, I am an only child and my mother passed before I had children. My father did of cancer when my oldest dhild was only 2. I now have 3 children and I was blessed to have a sister in law whose mother stepped up to be grandma to my boys. You see my ex husband and his sister had the same father different mothers. My boys have never seen their grandfather and they are now 24 and 21. They turned out pretty good. I understand the feeling of loss for your children. I often tell them stories about my mother and father and how they were 2 really great people. Maybe you should try to build a relationship with your dad since he is the only grandparent from your side of the family and try to see your in laws as often as you can afford. Grandparents are great but you can make it without them. When you have questions go to yor other mom friends or ask us. I always read my mamapedia and I only respond to the ones I feel I can give some good advice. I am sure that is true of all the moms that receive this e-mail. Enjoy being the best mom you can and share the stories and pictures of you and your mother with your children.

Hi Stephanie B, I am sorry you lost your mom. My mom also passed away suddenly, three months after my son was born alsmost 5 yrs ago. That was the worst day of my life. I now fear any phone calls after 10:00 p.m. She lived overseas and we had not had a chance to visit her. This means I had to pack my 3 month old up and take a plane ride to my mom's burial. I was sad for a longtime and I think about her everyday.

My situation is a little different from yours though. I loved my mom very very deeply but we weren't very close (no bad blood b/w just never close). Even so I think about her each time I watch my son play and when we visit my home country I love to watch him with my aunts (her sisters).

Don't question your parenting skills, all of us have the ability to be good parents even though we may do so in different ways. If you don't have someone, a good friend or older relative, to call on, just trust your instincts and use forums such as this one. Read books watch supper nanny , whatever helps.

If seeing your daughter play in your mom's hat makes you sad then it is o.k to put the hat away in a special place. Stay away from things that make you too sad (for me that included country music as those can really depict real life sadness).

Your kids will be fine, just be sure to share the memories with them as they get older. Tell them stories about when you were young and what your mother did with, to or for you. Try to keep your kids connected to their grandparents on their dad's side. Let them call weekly and talk to them, maybe a Saturday morning thing.

It will be o.k. The sadness eventually goes away but the memories last forever.

Hi Stephanie.
I am so sorry for your loss. My story is a bit different, but I can understand what you are going thru. My father passed away 5 years ago from cancer. My sister and I always say how sad we are that he is not there to see his 3 beautiful grandchildren now. How he would have loved to take them to the park and watch them grow up. The only thing I can tell you is to talk about your mom as much as you can. I show my son pictures of my dad all the time, and he is only 11 months. I have pictures of him in our house. I found a cute fram that says "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure". I have a picture of my dad in that frame in my son's room.
Tears came to my eyes when I read that your daughter wore your moms ha, so I can't imagine how you felt. I think it is healthy for your daughter to see you cry. You can tell her how sad you are that grandma is not here to play with her. Your daughter will begin to understand what a wonderful woman she was.
Hang in there!
S.

Although no one will ever replace your mom moving on is the hardest.
My mom is alive but also rarely see her grandchildren.
I have become active inmany groups for kids..Library, park programs in hopes of meeting other moms in the area. Reach out to those moms and utilize any friends, neighbors you have. Do not be shy and by all means tell your hubbie how you feel as well. Having connections in life does n ot always mean family. Friends and groups can help through the hard times.
Surround yourself with loving relatives, and make as many friends as possible!

My mom passed away very suddenly (in her sleep) at age 70 almost 5 years ago. My daughter never met her but my boys loved her very much. We talk about her "angel grandma" who is always watching over her. My mother-in-law has very little to do with my children, though she has basically raised my sister-in-laws kids so yes I feel they are cheated. That being said, we talk to my dad daily he calls me in the morning so I know he is ok. And I have filled my kids lives with people who love them. They have "bonus moms and dads" from church.

I understand - I lost my mom before my children were born. Sometimes I have to wing it, but my friends are very helpful with advice. It's painful knowing they will never know her in this life, but my dad & brothers & I will make sure they know all about her.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I don't really have any wise words for you, but, I can tell you I have a similiar situation and maby knowing that you are not alone will make a little bit of a difference. My kids are 8 and 11. My mom was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease 3 years ago and it is now very advanced. My dad died when I was in my 20s. My husband's father died when he was 13 and his mother is in a nursing home and she has never really been involved in our kids lives because she is very cold. My kids do not have any aunts or uncles who are involved in their lives. I am so envious when I see friends and their close families and I see their mothers helping out with their kids and giving parenting advise, etc...I long for a mother and extended family that would love my kids and be there for them. I tend to feel sad around holidays when I see everyone making plans to celebrate with their big families and my kid's friends are talking about how excited they are to see a particular cousin or aunt or how they are going over their grandmother's house. It's hard because with family you know that if you need help you can always ask, but that is not always so easy with friends, because they have their own families. Raising kids is hard because some things you can talk about with family you might not want to talk about with other mom's. Most of the grief is mine though, this is what is normal for my kids so they do not feel the loss like I do. It's the 4 of us and that is how it is suppose to be in their eyes.

First let me say I am so sorry that you lost your mother. Losing a mother is so difficult, we always think she will be there for us no matter what. I have found a couple of books that really have helped me, by Hope Edelman, Motherless Mothers: How Losing a Mother Shapes the Parent You Become, and of course, Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss.

I lost my mother in 1992, I was twenty four. Over the years I have learned that my mother, even though I can't see/hear her, she is here. I talk about her and to her. One of thing that I did was I talked with a lot of my mother's relatives and boy, did I find out things about my mom that she never would have told me about, okay maybe now, that I am older, but not when I was 24. After 18 years, you think one would not cry about those "silly" things but I do, and I think I always will. The first time my son, who is two, said my mom's name I cried. It made me happy that he knows who she is. I talk about her being in heaven and that she loves him so much. I live in the town that my huband grew up in and I have no family close by. I love the idea that Jackie posted about going to visited with elderly folks. They would love it and I am sure your daughter would be too. You could start a grandmothers book, and put special pictures, stories, favorite recipes in there. I started one for my son, so no matter what he will feel like he knew who she was.

Warm wishes and happy memories!

I would echo what Sandra J. said -- tell lots of stories about grandma to your children. This will give them something to hang onto and a way to know her.

My paternal grandfather died before my parents even got married, so I never knew him. But, I loved hearing stories about what he was like from my paternal grandma, my father, my aunts and uncles.

As my own mother is heading into the home stretch in her struggle with a rare, untreatable degenerative neurological disease, it breaks my heart that my 3 year-old son will never know what she was really like. But, I plan to tell him all sorts of stories about her.

Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss.
D.

I lost my mom when I was 10, I'm 29 now and was 27 when I had my daughter so it's a little different for me. I've had more time to grieve, but it really never is easy, maybe easier. It is extremely difficult for me to think about the day when my daughter asks me what happened to her grandma and why she can't meet her. My mom was a wonderful person and it truly is a loss that my daughter won't know her. I still cry when I tell her stories about my mom, because it is so sad that the good ones are always taken before their time. I was also an only child, I have stepsiblings, but the greatest blessings are my mother and father in law, I thank God for them because they almost do double duty for themselves and for my mom. There are days when I just wish I could call my mom and vent or ask her opinion and there are still nights when I cry at night because it truly isn't fair! My best advice is to let her know how wonderful your mom is and tell your kids about her, show them pictures. My daughter's middle name is my mom's and somedays it's about all I can do to not cry when I say it. I don't think anyone who hasn't lost their mom can fully understand how difficult it is, but have at least one person you can call for mama advice and let them know when you need help! My mom was my best friend and at age 10 you don't really have that many "friends" in your life so she really was my world and in a blink of an eye she was taken. I have to work at not letting my daughter see my sadness and even after 19 years, it's still hard to watch my daughter learn new things and have new experiences and know that my mom can't be with her except in spirit. You do the best you can and just smile, even when you don't think you can it will make you feel better! Best of luck and you can do this!

I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it would be to parent without having your own mother to talk to. I just wanted to let you know that there is a group on www.meetup.com that you might be interested in. It's the "Chicago Mama Collective" meetup group, and they meet monthly (generally the 3rd Sunday of the month) for their "Motherless Mothers" gathering. I have a couple of friends that go regularly, and they seem to find it helpful. Possibly discussing things and finding other moms in your situation would help. Best wishes.

I understand how you feel. I lost my mom to cancer two months ago. While my mom was older and never babysat, we talked her every day because she loved to hear stories of my daughter and what she was learning and saying that day. My father is still with us but moms are just different. How about joining some grieving groups or mom groups? You could befriend a senior. I found some wonderful older ladies at church who help watch my daughter and they've become second, third, and fourth grandmothers to my daughter and like second mom's to me. There are alot of elderly people out there who have so much to give and who might not be near their own families to give the support they want (my sister is in the same boat in Boston--she's close to an elderly lady as her kids live in another state while I cared for my mom here. In fact when I go to church with my daughter, we end up leaving 30 minutes later because we stop and talk to all the elderly people.

I am sorry for your loss. My mom was right, you'll only have one mother and she will love you like no other. When she is gone, that loss is palatable.

For you- was there a favorite holiday of your Mom's? If so do it up big in her memory. That is what my husband and I have been doing in memory of his mother and my Grandmother (who was a mother to me). Make the day about family and keep her traditions for your family.
for you little ones- share your memories of special times with your children to give them a sense of what a special person she was and what an influence she still is for your family. This is what we do with my MIL, FIL and Grandmother who are all gone, but would have loved to have been with my son. My FIL had sneaky snake that would drink and eat your food when you weren’t looking so we have kept that going for our son. We take my son to the pumpkin farm every year in honor of my MIL who did this for my husband when he was growing up.
I wish I could tell you that the empty space that they have left in your life will get smaller or go away, but the best I can say is keep them in your hearts so that you can take them everywhere. That way you can bring a little of her to your children everyday. God bless