More of a Problem than I Thought

Updated on February 27, 2012
S.G. asks from Birmingham, AL
14 answers

Ok, a while back I told you guys in Oct. my daughters dad remarried. Now we are having issues over the craziest things. My ex can't talk to my daughter on my phone because he says his wife is jealous and so now we dont talk at all. If he says anything to me its in a aggressive way. For instance, he has never in 7 yrs gotten our daughter on Tues. nights like it says he can in the divorce papers but now that his new wife has read the papers he wants to start getting her because he says he pays child support and he wants all of what he's entitled to, which is fine but dont understand. This all started because his new wife has joint custody of two girls with two different dads and now she expects us to have the same things she does with her ex's and I'm sorry but thats not how we agreed to it 7 yrs ago. Also he seems to be retaliating against me for not giving in to him. I have tried to talk to him but he's not allowed to speak to me and so I have no idea what to do. She wont answer he phone or I would talk to her too. Its a weird situation and I have no idea what to do and its affecting our 11 yr old and he doesnt seem to care, only that the wife now doesnt get ticked off and he hasn't always been this way toward our daughter. any suggestions?

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S.A.

answers from Chicago on

It sounds like you need to contact your lawyer and schedule a meeting with him and his wife and a mediator.

I hate to see kids get hurt when one parent remarries and their new spouse is selfish, and doesn't have the child's best interest at heart.

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❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Don't talk to the new wife. Your child is no concern of hers & nothing good
can come of it.
I would set up an appt w/the mediator w/just you & your hubby (these are the only 2 legally interested partied) & see if you can come to some resolution.
Try talking to your ex only. Call his cell phone, try to speak to him if you see him when you drop your daughter off, email him.
Don't invovle your daughter. She is a child & should be left out of disputes w/you & your ex.
When you do speak to your ex, ask him what it is he is looking to change. Things were fine for 7 years. I assume you are following the court ordered papers & visitation schedule.
I have a similar issue w/my husb's ex but diff scenario trying to cause problems. I have learned over time it is what it is & my only concern is our child together.
Good luck. I hope that helps.

4 moms found this helpful

A.E.

answers from Dallas on

I would set up a meeting where it is you, the father, and the wife. Women sometimes tend to get a little territorial and jealous even if there is no reason to be. I think by meeting with them both the wife will be more comfortable and you just need to emphasize that you need to have contact with your ex based on the well being of your 11 year old. Be honest and let your ex and his wife know you have noticed a change and where you think it is coming from. You and your ex need to work together as a unit, and if this is starting to affect your child then you need to be more aggressive in regards to this situation and nip it in the butt now. This woman sounds like she has some self esteem issues and with that she will try to control your ex. Make a list of everything that has changed not only the visitations but the behavioral changes as well. And when and if you have a meeting, remember to be patient , precise and perseverant with what you and your child needs. Good luck!

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L.U.

answers from Albuquerque on

My sister ran into a lot of problems with her ex's new wife. So they finally went through a mediator. Some times having the third nuteral person there can make all the difference. Good luck to you and your daughter. :)

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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

I went through a similar situation with my ex when he remarried.

If your situation is the same as mine I would say to hold on for a bumpy ride. I had never seen my ex act so irrationally as when he became involved with this person. We had had a decent parenting relationship prior to that point.

When they finally stopped fighting with me (I still don't get it - I tried hard to make it work with them) they "turned" on each other and their marriage ended. Then my ex got a taste of what I went through dealing with her. :(

That couple of years made me literally sick . . . I lost about 20 lbs without even trying. I never stopped worrying about my son and how it all affected him. I just tried to stay steady and consistent, and things are better now (he's 17).

Praying for you, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. It might save you all alot of time and money if you can work with a mediator.

Good luck - hugs.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

It may be time to put things in writing all the time. Use email and some sort of notification program to verify receipt.

If he's entitled to the Tuesday nights per the order, then I'd let him have them. If that is detrimental to the child now that she is 7 (school work or other activities) then it needs to be revisited. If it mostly works for you, the only concern I'd have about taking it back to mediation is that maybe she'd encourage him to do something that's more for their benefit than the child's.

I am a stepmom and I would not tell my DH he can't talk to his child when it's not "his" time or tell him he can't contact his ex for things about the kids - that's called coparenting. The only times we told the sks they couldn't talk to BM was when it was inappropriate timing, like past bedtime. They could certainly call her later and talk, but not at 10PM. It wasn't about being jealous, but it being a bad time. Has your daughter tried to talk to him about how she feels when he won't talk to her?

The other thing is he is going to have to man up in his own home That's just something that he needs to deal with. I'm assuming reasonable communication between father and child/you and him here. Being the new spouse can be hard (I was much more wound up the first couple of years), but just based on this description it sounds like they're very insecure in the new household.

FYI, I rarely speak to my DH's ex. There's really nothing she needs to arrange with me. It's all between her/him/the kids. I give my input to DH. But DH and his ex certainly communicate about the needs of their children (mostly just SD now as SS is an adult). I would focus on a way to get him to communicate to you about your DD and for DD to resume reasonable phone contact with her father. At the end of the day, he needs to figure out his own compromise.

3 moms found this helpful

F.H.

answers from Phoenix on

My husband and I have been thru this with our ex's. My ex is pretty easy going, hubbys is the ex from hell and beyond. So we just made my kids schedule the same as her boyfriends kids' (he has 3 boys by 3 different wives). He actually calls himself the "king of the court" because he goes so often with all 3 of his ex's. They THRIVE on the drama. Its just "easier" to pick your battles and not worth fighting about. If I were you I would let him have your daughter tuesday nights since legally he can. Also, start to put everything in email and ask him to repond that way. If you indeed end up going back to court in the future, you will have proof and documents to take with you. I am a step mom and my kids have a step mom. It just takes some time to adjust to the new family dynamic and get a schedule in place that everyone is happy with. The very best gift you can give your daughter is a drama free life between the two homes. Do everything you can to make it easy on everyone, even if it means giving up some parenting time. Good luck.

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T.K.

answers from Dallas on

I'm really glad that he wants more time, not less. That's sometimes the big problem when they get remarried. This lady is insecure in her relationship and percieving you as a threat. It will die down after a bit. Just stick to the custody agreement and do it with a smile. That'll help your son adjust. and Once she's proven her power, she will ease up a bit.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Ignore his attitude. He'll be more reasonable once he and his wife get their new (married) relationship sorted out.

I'm not getting what the problem is. Is he asking for things not written into the court order? If so, then the two of you need to work out a new way of doing things and put it in writing. A mediator could help you do that.

I would keep all my communications with him through e-mail. Having things in writing is a good way to document. And it cuts down on the emotional responses.

How does he retaliate? I have no answer for that one.

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C.P.

answers from Columbia on

If this is an ongoing problem...her making it so he cannot parent properly...file for a custody modification. It would be, IMHO, based on the fact that he cannot be a fit parent because his new wife will not allow him to do so. Part of being a good parent is communicating on parenting decisions and visitation with YOU.

Contact your attorney and find out what you can do.

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

New wife sounds horrible. She's not secure enough with her man to have respect for the fact that you two have a child together, which she knew PRIOR to marrying him, right?

If he's allowed to have her, I'd do whatever possible to let him have her, and be glad they are getting the time. BUT - I do see where that's a pain to you after 7 years. What does your daughter want? If she wants to go, let her, if she doesn't, no one should force her.

The new wife will only cause hate and discontent if she continues to act like that.

I hope things get better for you.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Who cares what he/his new wife wants. Give him visitation per the court order and leave it at that. If he wants more or to change the arrangement, then he needs to talk to you. If he won't talk, nothing can/will change. There is really nothing for you to do other than do visitation per the court order. If she really wants to talk to him but he won't talk to her on your phone, get a house phone or get her one of those cell phones that you pay for minutes as you use them and tell her that's the phone for her to call daddy. Don't make her suffer because the new wife is an idiot!

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K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am not understanding the problem? If he is entitled to have your daughter Tuesday Nights and it says so in the Parenting Plan then you need to let him have her or you are at fault! It doesn't really matter that he hasn't used that time before, he wants it now, so give it to him...it is what you agreed to, correct?

~It shouldn't matter one bit why now he is asking for the time...if he wants Tuesday Nights then give them to him. You sound equally petty if you are throwing up road blocks b/c you feel the StepMom is the reason for him wanting the Tuesday Nights?!

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B.S.

answers from Lansing on

If its causing a problem....why not have your 11yr old speak up to dad about it. I'm not sure what the issues are but if you can't get through to him maybe you can instruct your 11yr old to talk to him about her feelings when she has some alone time with her dad.

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