Mom and Dad Sharing Responsibilities

I have no idea where I got this ingrained in my brain but I expect my hubby to do the outside stuff, lawn work (He can pay someone or do it himself, I do not care which), that also means taking the trash out of the house, and any other thing that is done in the garage or out of doors like car repairs and up keep on the property. Those can take a bit of his time if he does it correctly.

My husband travels most of the year. My kids are 5, 3 and 2. During those times he's gone, I do absolutely everything 24/7. From dishes and meals and chores and lawn mowing and shoveling and home maintenance and finances and bills, all kid stuff, homeschooling-EVERYTHING. It's not hard for me because my career before quitting to have kids was EXTREMELY hectic and non stop, so to me this is actually easier.

When he's home, he does the dishes (I cook), takes out the trash, takes the recycling, works in the yard. All the house and kid stuff is mine to do, but he does pitch in whenever I ask him to if he's home. I really don't expect much, and I feel that's a lot for him, because his attitude is good, he does SOME stuff, and he's paying all the bills, so what else better do I have to do than all the stuff that needs to be done while he covers the bills?
If I was working 50+ hours per week, to be honest, I would expect to have to do very little at home other than spend time with my kids. Chores? Maybe my own delicate laundry, that's about it.

20 years together? I don't see where there would be any 'grey' area. I would think at this point all that would have been worked out, regardless of working situations. That's my opinion.
But to answer your question, it takes two. We don't have a list, or this is what you do, this is what I do. Some does I have to give 80% when she can only give 20% or some days she gives 100% when I'm just not in the game. I understand some families to have specific chores for specific people. That doesn't work for us, we just do what we have to do to get it done.
In the grand scheme of things, the person at home is responsible for the home.

No matter who is working or has a job, my husband's jurisdiction is anything outside of the house and the garage, and my jurisdiction is anything inside the house and asthetics, other than the trash, light bulbs and bug killing.

When I was a sahm I did all of the daily cleaning and laundry. He still helped with the kid duties ( getting plates, bath and bed time) and the cooking.

On weekends it was a different story. None of did anything on Saturdays, that was family day. Wether we were laying around the house or doing something outside of the house. On Sunday's we all did the major cleaning.. husband and kids included. The house was cleaned top to bottom.

I don't believe since your home 100% of the time, the house and kids are only your job. He isn't at his job 100% of the time why should you be since your home? Make one day on the weekends or a day during the week where you ALL pitch in and clean the house. It makes your "job" easier the rest of the week.

You didn't say how old your kids are, but if they are not yet in school, just taking care of them, entertaining them, taking them places during the day is a full time job. If you have quiet time, then that is your alotted housework time (or rest time, wink wink). But once he is home, anything that occurs when you are both there is fair game, as far as I am concerned! Making dinner, cleaning up after, bathtime, getting kids ready for bed, etc. Weekends may be time for him to do house maintenance, but also regular chores. That's just my opinion on what is fair. The best way to start is to sit down together and come up with a chart/plan (on paper) and modify it as needed. Remember that he will be tired from his week and need some down-time, too. And he needs to remember the same for you!

From a stay at home point of view if you are the homemaker you make the home. In a way everything falls on you but the other members of the house are responsible to clean up after themselves. I don't know if you ever had a cleaning lady but that is the condition each member of the family should leave their area. Then you clean the house, the whole house. Not sure if that makes sense if you have never had a cleaning company but they clean, they don't pick up. You should not have to pick up either.

Oh, this is hard. I went to staying at home after 8 years of teaching and working full time, and it's been a rough transition. We also were quite egalitarian, and I've never been real positive about staying home with the kids. My husband works an average of 50 hours a week, with some weeks being as many as 70, and sometimes he travels for a week at a time. I do 100% of the cleaning, though he will occasionally (like when we have a house showing) encourage the kids to clean up their play space. I take the cars in for routine maintenance and to fix problems. I mow the lawn and rake the leaves. I take the kids to their appointments and practices and I schedule those things. I tell my husband about things I think he should be a part of--important doctor's visits or school conferences. Sometimes he can attend. He is usually able to make the end-of-the-year concert for our kids; everything else important I schedule at the end of his work day. I do the laundry for the five of us--washing, folding and putting away--except he puts his own laundry away. He does dishes by hand, but I generally load and unload the dishwasher and put dishes away. When the pile gets too big and drives me crazy, I sometimes load them all in the dishwasher. He feeds the dog and cleans up poop. He does the tasks that require more knowledge; he grew up on a farm and can fix things I just don't know how to do. On the other hand, I'm learning--I just caulked the bathtub. We both shovel.Um...I think that's most of the chores around here. I have found it's IMPOSSIBLE to be "fair"--he and I both deserve a little time to ourselves occasionally, and we both need time with the kids, and with each other...and there's just no way to make that all work out "fair" like it did when we were both working. Good luck!!!

The simplest answer is that, if one parent is working outside the home, the other parent's responsibility IS the home.

However, with that said, that does not mean that your husband should ever make your job more difficult by causing big messes upon arrival back at home. He should still pick up after himself, but is not expected to do house chores. Those belong to you.

I became unemployed suddenly and it is still an adjustment 4 months later. I do the majority of the work. Cleaning, cooking, taking kids to school, shopping. He does take out and roll down the trash ( i refuse to). My opinion is that if we stay home, it is our responsibility to do the day to day things. My husband worked for 4 years as a chef, working 60+hours a week, so I tried to make sure he had as little to do here as possible. OF course, you deserve some time to yourself!! It took me 3 years to realize I needed time away from kids and him! Good luck

I can see how the total shift in the financial aspects of the family--who is working outside the house/bringing in the money--would totally shift how things are done around the house.

My husband works outside the houses 40 hrs/wk, with another 10 hrs/wk of travel time tacked on. I am a SAHM who also runs a freelance editorial business--so I'm home, but I also work. I can get a few household chores done during the day while I work (washing clothes is the easiest; sometimes I have to take time off to run errands or go grocery shopping), but most of our chores are done at night or on the weekend. However. There is a very definite perception, there, that "I" should do the majority or the vast majority of the household upkeep and the childraising, just from the standpoint that I'm "home."

And I can understand that, to a certain degree. After all, my work is less stressful. I'm here for when our daughter gets home from school on the bus, I'm here to do stuff at school with her, I'm the one who is home with her when she's home sick or there's no school, I'm the one who takes her to all of her appointments. In fact, it's very easy for the partner who works outside of the house to not see or refuse to see just how much of the day you're devoted to "other" stuff that isn't "work" related. My husband used to get upset when I'd have to work evenings and/or weekends to get projects done--until I pointed out to him just what I all did during the week. And that still left household chores behind that needed to be done.

So it's a balancing act as to what gets done by whom and when. It's something we work on every single day and every week. My hubby severely broke his leg and is still rehabbing, so even less gets done now than normal. We just live with it and go with the flow. Eventually, everything gets taken care of. It doesn't pay to stress ourselves out over it. I honestly don't expect him to get done as much as I'd like him to--but then, he shouldn't expect me to be a miracule working when I also work while I'm home.

He cooks two hameals a week. The kitchen has one rule. Since your children are old enough they can each cook one full meal a week. Make lists of what has to be done on family clean up night. One night a week for two hours.

I'm not sure if you were laid off but it was quite a shock when it happened to me almost a year ago. It sounds like your husband is probably gone 60+ hours per week....what are your expectations of your husband? Things are different now and it can't be equal....it just can't. It sounds like you have a strong marriage and need to talk this over with him. It can't be equal though. If it were *me*, I wouldn't expect a lot of house cleaning or laundry (you have time) but I would want the most important aspect of interaction with the kids.

Congratulations to you both for having such an enlightened marriage! I am sure you will be able to negotiate new, mutually acceptable terms for the situation you are now in.

My husband and I agree that when he is gone at work, I too am "at work." (Actually, in the mornings I am; I work part-time.) When he comes home, then we are both no longer "at work," and all evening home & family duties are shared.

This means I do more stuff around the house than he does -- in the afternoon while he is at his office, I'm doing errands, laundry, appointments, phone calls, clean up, etc. But once he comes home, we share duties.

I'm in charge of birthdays and parties, cooking, laundry, cars, and yard. He's in charge of paying bills, finding babysitters, planning our social lives, and washing dishes. We both do grocery shopping on different days. We both keep the house neat and put things away; we get a cleaning service in once every two weeks.

Nothing annoys me more than husbands who think that because they work outside of the home, they get to hang out and watch tv all evening, but fully expect their wives to be on duty and working 24-7.

I worked full time w/ some travel (but in a home office) and now have been home full time going on about 3 years. It's a tough transition.

When I worked we outsourced almost everything (lawn, fertilizer, any painting, windows, power washing anything, house cleaning, weeding, any repairs, etc.) I cooked 99% of the time& shopped, he did garbage and dog poop and we split the laundry. We have a rule whoever cooks does not have to clean up.

Now I do almost everything (we still outsource a lot) he helps w/ laundry and the kids. I like Kristin R's idea... try to get most of the stuff done during the day - but what is left (after 5:30 pm) is for both of you b/c you're both "off work" then.

It's hard not to build up a bit of resentment when you do ALL the little tasks that really don't even cross their radar (gifts, social plans, school projects, b-day parties, prepping for guests/parties, etc.) and they don't even take notice. SO try and go with when we're both home we're both 'off work" and pitch in 50/50... I think that will be the easiest on you.

I work about 25-30 hours a week. My husband works around 60 hours a week. I do everything.....laundry, dishes, feeding my family, bathing the kids, cleaning, shoveling, and mowing the lawn. I don't like it, but that's the way it is. I want my husband to be able to spend time with the kids (and me) when he is home, so I try to take care of everything else.

I think now would be a good idea to get your older kids more involved in household chores. Explain to them that because daddy is now working more hours and he can't help as much as he used to, you need help with the chores. Even a SAHM doesn't always have the energy to do all the chores. I actually found it easier to do most of my chores when I was still working FT.

Things I would ask hubby to do:
Take out garbage when full & do the weekly garbage & recycling set out (the kids can help with this)
Wash the pots & pans after dinner while you do bedtimes, or vice versa

Other than that, I'd have the kids step up -- they can clean their own bathroom, fold & sort their laundry, sweep the kitchen floors daily, help load the dish washer & tidy & vacuum their bedrooms & hallway.