I have been trying to finalize a divorce with my ex for over two years. For many (many) odd reasons, it has been delayed. Partly because I am poor and have been using a Legal Aid lawyer, and partly because the Judge in the case is new and "feels bad" for my ex and has granted him a continuance. My ex, we will call him "Der" is dragging everything out slowly because he is aware that my partner is in the US Navy, and when ever I am free from Der I will be remarrying and moving my self and our son (Der's bio. son) to which ever base he is stationed at. Der has already filed a motion that will never allow me to move my son out of the county we live in. I am terrified that he will be able to tear my family apart all because he needs to be in control. He has no home, no job, and is a terrible influence on my son, at four years old he has come home spouting racist terms and speaking inappropriate terms for his p****** p**** and those of women. I can't seem to get rid of him! My baby gets in my car after being with his dad and bawls and tells me that he hates his daddy because he hits him and is mean. I don't know what to do! There is never any proof. No marks, and I just feel like asking him to repeat things that are wrong to say reinforces the terms in his mind. Someone Please tell me that there is a solution! I have been playing along as nicely as possible just to avoid any extra stress on him. Help!
I have not been reinforcing that we are taking his son away, and I most def. have not been saying bad things about his father to him or anyone else, even though the man cheated on me while I was working three jobs to support our family. Not only did he cheat, he took our son with him while he was doing this. I do have a boyfriend, I call him my partner, because that is what he is. We work together to make a nice home and raise a child. It was a little quick for me to have started a new relationship, but sometimes those things happen. I have been more than encouraging and fair with my ex. He takes and takes and never gives back. I live where he does, and I have no support structure here, my friends have moved away, and my parents live five hours north. I am working 5 part time jobs, my partner is in the Navy, and also has a second job, but Der is sitting at his friends house on his duff. He abandoned his family over two years ago, and has a brand new baby girl from the other woman.
Perhaps he does not want to lose his son. Maybe you can work something out so he'll have contact with his son, instead of working at making it so clear that you will take his son away.
How is it that you have a new "partner" before you are divorced? Maybe time to look at your own behaviour.
best, k
Ok, you do not have to let this man rule your family. You need to DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT everything that shows your ex is a negative influence on your son. Write down anything your son says, especially about his father hitting him or saying or doing anything inappropriate. You need to write down anytime he is late coming to get him or drop him off, anything that is negative.
You've said you are using a public aid lawyer. Talk to him about getting Child Services involved- I know that is scary, but tell them that you feel very very strongly that your son is NOT SAFE with his bio dad and he is being put at risk when he is alone with him. Get them to investigate. They will check you out too- but if you are taking care of your son and flying straight, you will have nothing to worry about there.
Put it to a caseworker as you wrote it up above- that there are no marks, you don't want to reinforce, etc- show that all of your actions are stemming from concern for your son's well-being, and it will go in your favor.
Don't play nice. Your ex won't- doesn't sound like he knows how to. Your job right now is to take care of your son. If your ex has the judge convinced he is some kind of 'father's rights' case no matter how bad a father he actually is, that can be hard. But there are ways around it. Talk to your lawyer some more and go speak to Child Services for other ideas. They deal with these kinds of things ALL the time and can give you specific advice and other avenues to explore.
You are strong, mama!~ Be strong for your son and your new life and you will get there. Don't let a bad man keep you down and boss you around! Good luck!
Girl stay strong! You need to document these things that your son says after visiting his father. You get strong with your legal aid attorney and look him/her in the face and let then know although right now you may need free legal help it does not mean you should get less than perfect help. Let me pause here - DO NOT let your current condition dictate who you become!
You and your son deserve more. Put a motion in asking that the Judge interview your son.
Finally simply ask God for help. If He's done it for me He can do it for you!
If you need an ear to listen I am here.
A.
You need to document everything your son says after his visits with his dad. Dates, times and exact words used by your son!! Also, if he does have no job or anything, the chances a judge will forbid you to move with your new husband who is active duty military is slim to none!! My daughter's father tried to pull that on me (my hubby is Marine Corps) when there was a chance we might go to Japan for 3yrs. He threatened me up one side and down the other if I took her there!! He talked to a lawyer and he told him that no Judge would refuse me to take my child to another country with my husband who was in the military.
Is he paying any kind of child support?? Either to you or through the courts? Buying him clothes, shoes, etc?? If he gives it to you, document that too. Chances are if you are using Free aid he is too right?? You might want to consult with another lawyer that specializes in family law (that is free) and get some second opinions about where you case has gone so far too!
Good luck and keep your head up!
S.
Have you been to the pediatrician? Go and talk to them about the hitting. THen maybe have a child psychologist talk to your son. THey can figure out whether Daddy is just spanking or backhanding in the mouth. Document everything. With documentation go to the courts and give them proof.
You may have to step up to a lawyer that will fight your case. Sit down with one and negotiate fees, they will do this.
In the mean time be very firm when your son says things that are derogatory towards you. Your husband is poisoning his little mind. You need to have a punishment that will work on your son or a reward for the good behavior, like maybe chocolate milk when he gets home for saying only nice things.
Document everything - when he picks the baby up, what they do, what he says, what the baby says he says, what the baby says after a visitation. This will help greatly during the court battle. Also, make fatherly demands on 'Der,' maybe it will make him not want to be the 'father' so much.
