MIL Moved Close to Us, How to Manage Invitations and Time

Boundaries, baby. Set them and maintain them.
My parents live fifteen minutes away from me. Despite the fact that we live in such close proximity, I do not expect to be invited along on every outing they take, nor do they expect to be invited along every time my daughter and I do something.
SOMETIMES they invite us, and SOMETIMES we invite them. And SOMETIMES we need "just us" time.

Any time I hear about big sighs of "Oh" and guilt piled on - big red flags are waving that this might be a person with boundary issues.

Adults are generally not responsible for other competent adults, including in-laws and parents. If she cannot get herself around, and you have alot going on, it's not your responsibility to be the taxi driver. Of course it's sweet to help her when you can *reasonably* do so.

I think I'd set a nice, but firm, boundary here at the get-go. If you can drive her you'll try to let her know in advance, but otherwise you have too much going on with the kids to do it on the spur of the moment. And of course we love when Grandma can join us (etc.)! I'd also give her a copy of the kids' school calendars in advance, marked up with special dates if possible.

I really wish that some grandparents would remember what it's like to have young families. It's tough, chaotic and physically/mentally demanding. It's hard to add another needy person to that dynamic. Everyone needs to carry their own weight when they can.

Good luck.

Husband's job. Repeat: Husband's job. Say it over and over. It's his job to work with his mother (as it would be yours to work with your family). If you have become the point person for issuing all invitations to her and arranging all logistics, and you are the recipient of the "ohs" and guilt -- this is not your role. His mom, his responsibility. Yes, of course you will be the one dealing with her at times. And that's normal. But in the end, he must man up and do the followiing:

(1) Spend time with just her and him. He is her adult son and his relationship wit her should be about more than his children/her grandchildren.

(2) Talk with her about just what another poster said here -- "It's not about you, it's about logistics." She may need him to describe to her in detail why on many days it is not feasible for her to be picked up, toted to a class or event, driven home. If she doesn't want to get it, he must be able to smile and not cave and say, "We're going to get you to the special stuff like the recitals and performances and big games but we can't promise we can get you to every practice, every weekly class, or every rehearsal too."

(3) Maintain and protect your own family time. "We went on a hike today. It was spur of the moment and we were in the car before we thought of it." Then offer to take her along to a park (if she can't hike) another time. But don't apologize for family time that does not include her.

(4) Be sure to actually get her to those recitals, big games, performances. Have the kids bring her examples of a picture they made in school, a paper they wrote, etc. Have them spend time at HER house too and don't let this become all about her having to go places to see them. She needs to host too. That will make her more likely to say no sometimes to going out!

(5) Get her involved in a life of her own. Push her towards groups, organizations, church, whatever. Someone else posted and noted that fact: She needs her own life there. Until she gets one, and makes some friends in her age group or has volunteering she wants to do, she is going to rely on your family for EVERY outing and every contact with the outside world.

You and your husband need to talk about this and have a real action plan. Don't say vaguely to her, "Have you thought about joining a quilting group?" or "Have you checked out any churches yet?" Instead, come to her with "There's a quilting group at the Blah Blah Community Center on Tuesdays at 5:00 and this bus runs past your house and goes straight there..." or "The So and So Church has a weekly seniors event where they pack food bags for the needy and then have coffee afterward, on Fridays at 11 and that works well with L.'s schedule to take you, drop you and pick you up. Want to try it?" And so on. Be specific.

Yes, mom will figure out that you are trying to get her to do stuff but unless you try, she could become a borders-free person whom you resent and your "fabulous" relationship will suffer because of too much togetherness. Preserve it -- be firm, be honest and be helpful with specifics. And be sure your husband leads this effort, not you.

When she gets upset about an invite, perhaps say, "MIL, we love that you are nearby. We always extend an invite when we think it's appropriate. Please understand that sometimes it's nothing against you, just that the logistics are bad or we just need some family time." Or "The teacher feels it's best that the child have the lesson alone and DH and I don't even stay for them."

And then also steer her toward things for herself. My grandmother doesn't drive, but she has a set of friends who make sure she gets to the senior center regularly, to church, to get her hair done, etc. Sounds to me a little like MIL needs new friends, too.

She may make comments, but your family cannot be her only outlet and you do not need to be her cruise director. You're allowed to go on a hike without her!

ETA: My sister's ILs don't see much of the other two kids' families, so they pressed BIL and sis to come every weekend. So every single Saturday for years, they spent time with the ILs. It got to be way too much for my sister, who wanted a life, and once the kids came along, it interrupted naps, too. My sister finally put her foot down that this schedule no longer worked for them. Sometimes BIL goes on his own, or takes the older kid for a visit. When we were kids, we did Sunday supper with Grandma after church, and were gone by 2PM. It worked well, that we saw them but also had down time.

I have a similar situation with my mother, so it was really meant for me to read this. Thanks! My mother also has no close friends, no hobbies or activities to keep her occupied. She might hang out with her two sisters sometimes. However, her outlet is to see if she can tag along or participate in ANY activity me, my husband and daughter are doing. I know she enjoys being with and around our family, but it can be overwhelming. And she does get disappointed when we don't include her, but it's not always in the plans for her (or anyone else) to join us, especially if we are trying to do a "family time" activity. Every Friday night we go to dinner just us three. My mom knows this and was bored and wanted to know if "...we ever invite anyone to go along?" and she knows we don't, but that was her way of saying "I want to go" because she had nothing else to do. We invite her when we can and pay for it all. So, we enjoy her company. Just not all the time.............and it really isn't all the time, it just seems like it sometimes. :-)

When her car wasn't working, I would spend one day every weekend for months picking her up and we would run errands. It was sometimes exhausting because she wanted to go more and more and I had to explain to her nicely that I can't devote an entire day a weekend every week because there are things I need to tend to with and for my home/hubby/daughter and besideds, I need time with my own friends. And frankly, there were times when I just wanted to go/be alone. She seemed to have understood, but because she doesn't have any hobbies, friends, etc. - then we're it! I sometimes feel sorry that she doesn't have anything to do, but every plan we have is not an extension or open invitation. We do let her know in advance what she's invited to, so she has something to look forward to. And she has not and will not make an effort to join a church, other group, contact extended family or anything else that might help her create a social circle. These are connections she needs to make for herself and I don't know how to otherwise encourage her to do so.

I know how you feel, you want to include her, but it can't be for everything. It sounds like you accommodate her when you can, but it's not feasible that you can do so all the time. Believe me, I know. Take her to lunch and ask her what she's interested in and if she's thought about taking a class, joining a seniors program, etc. Help her get started. It didn't work for me, but it might work for you......Good luck!!!

Responses will vary.
However, this is my perspective:
You have your own nuclear family and daily routines/schedules/commitments etc. There is NOTHING wrong, with that. You do not have to, nor constantly... change your schedules to suit her's or her requests or her "demands" if she is demanding. Nor do you have to ALWAYS include her in EVERYTHING you do. But sure, you include her as you can or want to.
There are 2 lives: yours. Her's. And at times it can be combined.
But, since she seems to be bored or has nothing in her life nor her OWN activities/clubs/socializing with friends... then HELP her to gain that. So that she is more independent.
And maybe there are car pools, for seniors, with can help.
LOOK into that. In our city, there are things like that.

Again, you do NOT, have to include her in EVERYTHING.
How does your Husband feel?
Speak to her, have a conversation, and say... your peace. In a nice caring way. OR your Husband should do that. You are not abandoning her or anything. That is not it. But you all need to HELP her, gain a sense of social independence. Too. It is good for her own mental and emotional health. I have an elderly Mom. She lives with us. BUT... she is not a 3rd wheel. She is not "depending" on us for ALL her social activities. SHE, herself is very independent and has lots of friends and various social groups that she participates in. SO, therefore, though we all live together, we all have our own lives too. Which is normal and there is nothing wrong with that. And then we ALSO do do many things together too. But, the key thing is, we all talk together and it is fine. My Mom is independent. And there are even times when we invite her to something, and she will say "no, I'm going out with my girlfriends..." and its fine.

Versus, I know a woman who is married and she has kids too. And, her MIL is very clingy. And they HAVE TO, take her everywhere and invite her to EVERYTHING and if they don't, she gets pissed off and puts guilt trips on them. BUT, that is not... mentally nor emotionally healthy, for all of them. Her MIL, has no life or socialization, besides with them. And it drives her Husband, nuts. They have no private or "autonomous" family time. And the thing is, the MIL does NOT want to, do anything for herself.
So they have no solution. And it is not happy any of them.
Because, the MIL "controls" what they do. And it is very unpleasant. And also very, oppressive. For the whole family.
Every single time they are out or doing something, there is her MIL, too. All the time, everywhere, the MIL has to be... included.

ETA: ya know, it seems like no one EXPLAINS to her, anything. About her expectations versus, what is.
You both need to talk to her and Explain. Things. To. Her.
Because, if not, you will all be like this forever. Catering to her expectations and.or feeling guilty because of her guilt trips, which is not fair nor reasonable nor sane.
You both need to tell her, what is possible and what is not. What is doable, and what is not.
You all have your separate lives, but are a family.
And there is nothing wrong with that.

I'd get a big calendar, maybe a dry-erase one or whatever works for your MIL's place (desk or wall, whatever). Once a month, I'd go over there and fill in the planned activities. Susie's t ball game, Joey's school play, family dinner on the 8th, Saturday the 27th you're babysitting while we go to the movies, etc. (Put her activities on it, too, like her Friday night card game with her neighbors, etc). That way she'll see how many activities she's involved in, and you'll be able to tell her "this is what's going on so you can plan". Put times on, if you can ("game starts at 5:00. Be ready at 4:15"). Have your husband tell her that sometimes the kids' lessons don't give you enough time to go get her and then get to the lesson and back to work. And tell her that she'll always be included in the games and recitals and graduations, but not every lesson, practice or rehearsal. After all, don't we all do that? How many of us would never miss a game or school play, but we don't - or can't - attend every practice or team meeting, right? (Once the kids are past the toddler age, and school-age, of course.)

If you don't respond to the guilt, and don't play the game where she says "you never include me in anything" and you say "oh, I'm sorry, we invited you to ___ and ____", it will be better. My mother was the queen of that. She'd say something outrageously not true. It drove me crazy. Finally a very wise older woman taught me this lesson.

She said "your mom says something that is not true. She has put up a target (the guilt) and shot at it. You can also draw a target and fire back, by arguing, or by responding, even kindly. You naturally respond by aiming at your target, which is to explain or defend or offer a rebuttal: 'mom, we had dinner with you yesterday' and then she says 'well, you didn't ask me if I wanted chicken' or 'I didn't know you had gone to a movie before', and on and on it goes. But here's how you should handle it. Your mom says 'I never know what's going on'. Instead of defending it, or firing back, you simply take the target down. You calmly say 'you know that's not true', and change the subject. And if she asks 'why didn't you invite me hiking' you don't defend or excuse, you simply state 'it wasn't planned. We'll let you know when we plan our next trip to the park' and then you nonchalantly move on. 'Mom, would you like some more coffee?' Don't allow yourself to be drawn in to a guilt match." Picture the target in your mind, and don't get into a dispute, and picture taking the target down and not firing back at it. State the truth, kindly and politely, in a calm non-defensive tone. "That's not true." "It wasn't planned." "We weren't in town when we decided to go.", instead of "I'm so sorry", or "we should have called you" or some excuse to make her feel better. That way, you'll realize when you state the truth, that you have nothing to apologize for.

I hope that makes sense!

Does she have her own friends and interests? I don't think any adult should depend on another adult for their entertainment all the time. Our senior center has a mini bus that provides transportation for dr apts, shopping trips, and events at the senior center. The center also has daily activities and lunch at a very reasonable rate. You should look into things in the area that might put your mil in touch with people her own age so she'll make new friends and be less dependent on your family.

If you're running kids to an activity while you're on a break from work then simply tell her.

"Sometimes I take the kids to events and I am taking a break from work to transport the kids. I don't have time to come get you, I only have a few minutes to do this".

Then let her know their schedule for the week. Tell her "We can pick you up for the following activities if you'd like but the others are quick drop offs and pick ups because I have to get back to work".

If she wants to join the other activities then she needs to ride a bus or take a taxi.

One thing I'm going to point out is that she is in a new place and you're her family. She is alone, away from her home and long time friends, she's dependent on you because she doesn't have anyone else. She needs a family because her lifelong friends were her family and they're not here. Please put yourself in her place and think of how it feels for her. Perhaps you'll feel that taking an extra 15 minutes to go pick her up on the way to the Sunday hike to know that she will always remember your kindness.

Yes, she needs a hobby and friends of her own. Is there a senior center close? Is there a type of senior bus? Is there a senior care place that can be paid to pick her up? Call your city and find out about stuff for seniors just like you would for kids. I bet there is much you don't know that might help her assimilate.

Ignore the sighs. They will go away when she gets a realistic picture of how she fits in this new living situation.

I'm taking seriously your mention of having a fabulous relationship with your MIL.

She is a member (maybe not immediate) of your family. She's also a new kid in town or in the neighborhood.

If she weren't your MIL, but rather were just someone you and your family liked a lot, you would invite her to go places with you sometimes. You would pick her up sometimes - especially at night or in iffy weather. You would encourage her to meet her own neighbors, to get involved in activities she likes, and to make friends.

And this is what you need to do in this case.

You don't need to apologize for a family event she didn't know about. But you can remember that she might have been interested. "Oh, do you like to hike? [assuming you really didn't know it!]. I'm glad to know that. Next time we decide all of a sudden to take a hike we'll give you a call and see if you're available." Nobody can lay a guilt trip on you unless you choose to bend over for it.

When you are with her, ask her what she's been up do. What are her interests? If she likes to quilt, for instance, you might mention the quilting group that meets near her home (but maybe not mentioning that you just looked them up online). If she's an aerobics fan, find her an aerobics class for her age group, AND the bus schedule for getting there. If she is used to singing in a church choir, mention churches near her address that have church choirs. Just drop some hints, without implying that you'd like to see her busy somewhere else.

If she says, "I don't get to go anywhere with you," laugh and say, "That's right - you're not coming with us to the park tomorrow as we planned." Make it into something she can laugh along with. I use that technique (carefully) once in a while. My older son always wants to talk to his father when he calls here (it's always some sort of business thing). I pulled that on him, saying overdramatically, "Oh, yes, you want to talk to your father, but you NEVER want to talk to your mother!" I did it in such a way that he would laugh. And he did. And he calls *me* sometimes now. No pressure - just a hint. If he hadn't taken the hint, I wouldn't have loved him less.

Once your MIL gets her roots put down, she may just end up too busy for you all!

It's great to be involved but she can't/shouldn't rely solely on you to be her only socialization/entertainment source.
She can try to lay on the guilt but she'll make no headway if you just ignore it.
She should find some local people her own age and have some social engagements of her own.
Look for some senior centers in your area and get her involved with them.
Some can help her with transportation too.

You can be rigid about what you will include her to, you can be rigid about what she won't be included to, or you can choose a path that is in between.

plan a would look like- MIL is invited to sunday brunch, dinner on thursday evenings and all weekend sports events.
plan b would look like - MIL may not join you for nature walks, or at the pool, or for friday night movie night, because it is reserved for you, hubs and kids.
plan c would look like- you call MIL up when you are headed to costco and see if she wants to join you for big box shopping etc, then to susie's recital.

Have a conversation, decide on a strategy, and use it for 6 months, before trying a different one, assuming it doesn't work well.

employ a calendar.
you live in seattle. maybe she can cab it back and forth. that way, it takes the out of your way element out of it.

Best,
F. B.

Your kids are lucky to have her close by. She is new to the area. Be patient with her. As she makes friends and finds things to do, she will want to join you. One day she will be gone and you will wish you could share an event with her. She will find out where she fits in. Just takes time.

Here is the problem: your MIL left her home, her familiar surroundings/environment for your family and your family ONLY. She put an end to her life in a place that she has probably lived for many years. She completely uprooted her life - BIG MISTAKE!! She should have stayed put 3 hours away (which is practically local, in my opinion), and just come to visit you once a month - and you guys could have visited her often as well.

What she did was not wise. She left all of her friends (and maybe some family, too?). At her age, she shouldn't have moved, putting herself in a position of starting over. However, I realize that she probably does not see it that way. She is depending on you and your family now, and the problem with that is she will overstay her welcome in your town/her new town VERY FAST!

I really don't understand why she chose to uproot her life and leave her friends/social life at this point in her life - her golden years. Now, she is 100% dependant on your family, and being included in everything, which is unrealistic. I wish your husband would have encouraged his mother to stay put, but hindsight is 20/20, and what's done is done.

Now you have a huge problem on your hands - establishing boundaries. Pass this problem over to your husband, since she is his mother. He should be the one to tell her when she can and cannot join you. Let him be the "bad guy," not you! Good luck! I don't envy you.

**ADD** I just read your SWH. I am glad she has a couple friends in town. Thank God! However, that is still not enough...