MIL Losing It. Can't Pretend Its Not Happening Anymore.

H.,

I get the gist of the situation, and I think it's a good thing that you can recognize the changes in your MIL, and it's kind of you to be willing to make adjustments to your schedule to accommodate those changes. It's a very hard thing to come to terms with the limitations of aging parents and the inevitable changes that must be made to family routines.

Regarding the deletion of your post--- The words you wrote are yours. As such, it is my belief that you get to decide what to do with them. If you want to leave your post, fine. If you want to delete it, for whatever reason, that's fine, too. No apologies necessary to anyone.

I don't subscribe to the notion that posts *must* be left up forever simply because it might help someone else or because people took their time to answer.

Others with similar questions can always choose to post their own questions if they don't see one or can't find one like theirs.

Regarding the time people give to answer posts, my thought is when I take time to answer someone's question, that's on me. I make the decision to give my time, and whatever the recipient does with my response, or the question that prompted the response, is their choice.

There are certainly legitimate reasons for people deleting posts, but the reality is you don't have to give a reason.

I realize that my opinion differs from many who get upset when questions are deleted, but I really don't see that the status of someone else's post is any of my business.

J. F.

As someone who went through this with my own mother it is difficult. It took my brother and I a YEAR to convince my dad that there was a problem with my Mom.

When my Mom almost blew up my brother's house because she put Ammonia in the microwave and nuked it was a turning point for him. For me, it was a trip to Disney that made me realize that there was a problem also the almost blowing up my brother's house gave me pause!! =)

I remember that conference call with all of us very vividly. At that point, my mom even admitted that there was something wrong with her.

Have you discussed this with your MIL? Have you ever mentioned your concerns with you husband? If not, be very specific. My brother and I would write down examples so that when we had our conference call, we had examples of her irrational behavior. For example, my brother was talking to them about his recent vasectomy and my mom was like "what is that"? Really??? Also, she didn't know what fajitas were. She only had been making them for 40 years! Those are just two minor examples but you get my drift.

It took about a year to get a diagnoses. It was devastating. You think you are prepared but you are not. She had frontal temperal dementia and then later developed alzheimers. She was in a nursing home the last 4 years and she recently passed away.

I say all of this because this is a process. Its not like going to the doctor and getting a pill. PM me if you would like any suggestions on how to approach your MIL and husband. Hugs to you and your family.

I didn't see the original post but I do feel it's your right to delete your post. You seem to have done it for very thoughtful reasons - not like some of the "deleters" who do it to be snotty when they didn't get the answers they wanted).

And I do sympathize with the tremendous difficulties of having a loved one aging and losing their abilities through a mental or physical declined. My mother is going through this and it's very hard to accept and to predict the progression. Your hopes and dreams for the type of relationship you would have had can be crushed, and it's also hard when you have to sort of break this to others in the family.

Sorry I didn't see the original post but I applaud your thoughtfulness toward your MIL. If she is declining, please be aware -- you and your husband do not have to go through it alone. Doctors of course are the first place to stop, and if the issue is potentially some form of dementia, the sooner she's diagnosed and any possible treatments start, the better. Even if there is no treatment, there are ways to cope both for her and for your family if she lives with you if you seek them out. (For instance, there are associations for various conditions that can lead you to other families in the same boat who will have advice for your own family.) If there are physical decline issues, again, better to get her seen sooner rather than later.

Whatever the decline is about, reach out to support groups and associations if you start to feel burned out caring for her or wonder "How do other families deal with an older relative who's 'losing it'?" In fact, don't wait until you are burned out to get advice or help or just find someone to whom you can vent.

As for your husband, if he is resistant to the reality of his mom's aging, it may help if he hears the facts from a professional third party - not from you. He may need to hear a doctor say, "Your mother can no longer do X" rather than hear you say it. She's his mom and he may not want to accept that she is heading down a path that's painful for him to watch. But he does have to accept it or he will expect things of her she can't give any more, and she will possibly feel guilty about that--not a good cycle for either of them. I hope you can stop dreading bringing it up with him. Script out what you'll say, have examples to give him, and if at all possible, have him come with you to see a doctor after that doctor has seen his mom. Talk to the doctor in advance if you can, yourself, to explain that your husband needs a reality check.

Not knowing the details it's hard to say more but I truly am impressed you are ready and willing to put MIL's needs first and revamp your family's comfortable routines to accommodate and care for her.

I didn't get to see your original post, but I just wanted to say, kudos to you for having such a generous heart to recognize that your MIL is in need of your time now. I hope you find the right words to help your husband understand that & join you in supporting her. T.

What a great and precious tradition. I wish we had family around. The truth is he is not going to listen about his mom, at least not now.Stop making it about his mom and shift that message to the addition of the third child and the kids have more and or harder homework which is generally true with each additional grade.

The other option is to shift things around - do the prep in the morning and or cook certain dishes in the morning. Have him grill the meat which will free you up. And wont take away much time from his dad. Do more homework on Tuesday and or Wednesdays. Move the family dinner to Friday or Sunday nights