MIL Issues--help!

Personally, I think she sounds like a complete busy body. My own mom wouldn't even do these things.

OK, bear with me here....but based on SOME of the things you listed, I think you may be irritated with her beyond what is normal. Her writing on your calendar, calling her son on your wedding night and straightening your pantry are absolutely no big deal. I would LOVE if someone would straighten mine! She probably sees it as helping. Simple solution - ask her not to if you prefer she not "help".

Now, regarding the bangs and other things, yes, those were a bit over the line, but I really think if you communicate with her this can easily be resolved. It doesn't sound like she is intentionally trying to be disrespectful - she sounds like she is somewhat intrusive by nature and is trying to help in her own way. Tell her YOUR boundaries, and if she respects you, she should follow them. Ask your husband to back you up. That is important!

And I will trade you - I would love if my MIL were involved enough to babysit and clean up my house. Try to realize you are lucky to have people who love you and your kids that much.

Good luck.

This sounds like my mom, and yes, she cut my son's hair once without asking me. I don't know why, but that seemed like such an intrusion!
She insists that she is just trying to "help" but what it feels like is that she doesn't think I'm doing things well enough so she is "fixing" it to her standards.
She is currently living with me, and this had brough up all kinds of negative feelings about my childhood and how she just has no confidence in my abilities and never has. I may be taking it way too far, but that's just how I feel. My husband is currently deployed, and is always telling me on the phone not to take it so personally.... but I'm having a hard time stepping away from the whole ordeal while she is living with me full time!
Honestly, the only way I can appreciate my mom and enjoy her company it when we have space, physical and emotional space.
Even when I give her specific boundaries, like "don't buy crackers because they upset my daughter's tummy" she comes home with NINE boxes of crackers!!! Or, "I need my son to get on school time schedule and be in bed by 8pm" she deliberately reads to him until 9pm. If I step in and enforce my boundaries she gets upset, gives me the silent treatment for a while, and then when she finally starts talking she says "I was just trying to HELP. If you don't want my help just say so." So it becomes MY fault and she is the victim. SO frustrating!
If your MIL is this way too, then talking to her won't help, neither will giving her specific rules when you leave the kids with her, she won't follow them because she thinks she knows better than you anyway.
Don't leave the kids with her, and just let your husband do what he's been doing so you don't have to watch her undermine you to your face.
Breathe deep and as my husband says "don't take it so personally"... yeah right! haha

My mom does things like that ALL THE TIME. I don't know if she'd go so far as to cut my kids' hair. That seems extreme. But the other stuff, based on my own mom, I'm guessing she feels like she's "helping" you.

Her "not thinking" is more what should be your concern. You want someone who is thinking when they are watching your kids! Still, it wasn't anything life threatening. I'd talk to her and try to work it out.

For my husband's sake, I would get together with her and try my best to be gracious.

If she asks you why you are upset, be honest without being provocative. I.e., "We love you so much, but it's important to us that we raise our children our way. We're not going to do everything right, but this is our responsibility and we don't want anyone else doing the job. We appreciate everything you do for us, but on certain things we need to call the shots."

If she seems truly receptive, I would also say "I just need you to respect our boundaries a bit more - it seems like you feel the need to do things for us or the kids that we should be deciding or doing for ourselves. Would you have let your MIL or FIL do that when you were young parents? Please have more respect for us."

Good luck.

PS: I don't know about you but for me it's much different with my mom than my MIL. For one thing, with my own mom I can tell her to back off and she will. Even if she gets her feelings hurt she'll get over it. You have to do a much more delicate dance with your MIL.

I do the 'throwing food out of the fridge' thing to my inlaws. I'm a freak about expiration dates. When we go over there, there is always dressing, mayo, etc. on the table for dinner that expired 2 months - 1 year. I just make sure that they don't make it back into the fridge. I tried to find some children's motrin for my son last month. 'its in the cabinet'. the box in the cabinet is one that I had sent literally 5 years ago and had expired in 2009. They were going to give it to my kid!

My MIL has cut my niece's bangs without asking...

Just call her, meet with her, without the kids around.

You need to talk with her, don't keep the things all bottled up. I don't have a MIL like this, but I do think communication is always the best way to go. I feel you need to talk to her and of course you can't change anyone, but let her know how you feel and why you feel this way. Down deep your husband even wants you and her to have a great relationship. The kids do love their grandma right?
Don't get me wrong, if I was in your shoes I'd be upset with her. That's why you need to talk to her, for both of your sakes.

First off, do you have your husband's support? I mean with EVERYTHING that was happening before the bangs. That makes a difference. Be prepared to hear what she has to say, but also have your own agenda. Listen to her with a truly open heart; prepare to start afresh with her. I don't know how you handled the other stuff that she's done, but now is not the time to bring up everything and hash it out. Decide that from this point forward you are going to address things as they happen. If she comes over and arranges your pantry, le ther know right then that you had it just the way you like it, and change it back right then. Buy a couple of calendars at a time. When she writes on one, take it down and give it to her. Let her know that YOUR calendar is for YOU only. This might be time-consuming, but it makes your point.

As I was reading your post, one thing that really stood out to me is that she sounds like she might be having some mental lapses. Seriously, nobody would just cut the baby's hair off and not know why.

How would you feel if your own mom cut her bangs? What would you say? How long would it take before you forgave her?
I think you should use that as your guide. She WAS out of line....but at the same time, I think we tend to be very h*** o* our MIL's. Definitely talk with her. And approach it with a mindset of letting her make amends and believing that she DOES respect you and WILL change if you tell her what you want her to change.

Get together with her. Maybe she wants to apologize.

my MIL does things like this as well. she wants to be needed, so she creates a need. hopefully she wants to apologize, and it's nice of you to consider letting her. I would say things like "you're lucky because you just get to be grandma, which means you get to choose which games to play and songs to sing, we will make the parenting decisions and run our own home". if that doesn't hit home, just be more direct- "please don't change anything in the house, please don't alter the kids' appearance, etc." you've already set a nice precedent that if she does things you're not ok with, you won't let her watch the kids, so hopefully she knows you aren't kidding. GL

Really? A MIL who is intrusive?? I've never heard of such a thing! ; )

I have to admit, while I was reading it, the first thing I thought was, 'I wonder how old she is, and if she has the beginnings of dementia'. And that was before I read the SWH section, where you mentioned your husband being concerned about it.

I agree with the others who suggest you get together and talk to her. But I would NOT be allowing her to watch my children alone again....whether she apologizes or not. If she is, indeed, "slipping", you certainly don't want the children around her when it happens again.

Blessings.

Have the talk to try to sort things out? Figure out what's going on. She should not have cut her bangs with our your permission. Keep calm and take it one day at a time. Obviously, if her behavior continues then your have to keep boundaries intact and she can't watch the kids on her own. Furthermore, unless you've asked for her help she should not be touching and rearranging your home without your permission.

E.,

I am a believer that you should go with your gut. My gut tells me that your MIL has over stepped her boundaries and you have been pretty kind about it. I don't think you are nitpicking.

You say your husband is "afraid her mind is slipping" and he wants to get "back to normal." To me there are some alarm bells that he admitted her mind may be slipping. There are even alarm bells that he noticed how bad the haircut was...... men don't usually notice that stuff so it must have been pretty bad. He may want to get back to normal, but he may also be in denial.

If I were you I would reassure my MIL that I love her, etc... but I would not leave my kids alone with her anymore. You don't have to out and out say that....... just avoid that situation.

Go with your gut.

You are describing my mother to a degree, my mother was infantily worse. She also called us on our honeymoon, begging us to home home early and fix her flat tire, the list goes on... So, we had to do a very serious boundary setting intervention. She hated us for a while, but turned around and now our relationship is awesome. She also had health issues that were contributing to her craziness that are now under control. So..... I have experience in dealing with this.

I would call her and invite her over. Everyone nicely sit down and dine on some cookies. Tell her how much you love her and appreciate her. Let her know she is very helpful and that the children just totally adore her. Then, calmly tell her you asked her over to discuss a few concerns. Tell her that you have been mildly upset with her lack of boundaries. Write them on a list, but be sure you aren't being nitpicky, it will just make you look and feel stupid and petty. Pick maybe 3 or 4 examples of things that ones that are really bothersome. Then tell her those things you could deal with but prefer she not do. Then say, the breaking point was when she chopped of your daughter's hair. Let her know how hurt you were and that you feel you cannot trust her impulses, and lack of respect. Then, I would tell her that you feel you simply need time before things return to normal. Set your boundaries, let her know what they are. You do not appreciate her coming and going through your food and such. Really, in her mind, she is just being helpful. Thank her for her concern and help. Let her know though, that if she has some ideas, bring them to you first. Maybe you can organize the pantry together. Maybe you can relax in some areas and not care that she enjoys being helpful. Ask her if she has organizing tips to share. I organized and cleaned my mil's fridge and pantry b/c she has major health problems and it was awful, and I know she likes them organized. I sweep her floors and even wash her towels/rags and everything every time I visit. She was extremely grateful and even asked me to do it again later. But the one time I organized a shelf... she did not like that at all. So, your mil may think she's doing you a favor. Just be gentle, be kind, be very calm, but be firm on the hair issue and on letting her know she is still very loved. Gauge the situation, she is not trying to offend you, she just does things differently.