Mamas of Single Children

I have to agree with Julie. Laziness/Selfishness has nothing to do with how many siblings or lack of siblings you have.

I completely agree with Ivanka. I'm an only raising and only and neither of us ever exhibited what you label as single child syndrome. It sounds to me he's having a tough time dealing with all the change in his life. Moving is just below the death of a loved one on the stress meter, and he's experienced "a death" to some degree as he's not seeing his step-brother like he was. That's a lot for any child to deal with.

I suggest giving him a little extra support to help him deal with all the changes in his life.

Well, all I have to say about this is that my friends have a 12 year old son who insists on being treated like an ony child. He has an older brother and two older sisters so he's not an only child by any means, but he is the youngest and for whatever reason feels that everything should be done for him. It's driving his mother crazy and his dad sees no problem with it believing it's just a boy thing. (Even though the other boy never acted that way).
I think the best thing you can do in this situation is turn the tables on what he expects.
I'm a single mom and was always strict so if my son couldn't find his shoes, I said, "Fine....you can go to school in just your socks today". He never tried it, but if he told me he didn't know what shoe was which, I would just tell him it didn't matter, just put them on. If he didn't want to tie them, I would have told them to leave them untied then and just get in the car for school. I can promise my son wouldn't have gotten out of the car without the shoes on the right foot or tied. Heck....he himmed and hawed about even getting dressed sometimes and I started the car and told him he would be going in his underpants to school if he wasn't dressed by the time I was ready to pull out of the driveway.
Knowing me, he knew I was serious so I only had to threaten a couple of times. And, no TV in the morning at all, no TV at night or video games or wii....
Those are games in the evenings for kids I didn't have to argue with in the morning. I had to go to work. I didn't have time for that.
I think you hit the nail on the head by saying that he expects to have everything his way when he wants it and how he wants it.
He is 8 years old. That's a little young to be calling the shots.
You just have to find a creative way to make sure it's not his place to do so.
I, personally think that if a child needs to be dressed or have their shoes put on and tied for them at that age, they are showing they are too young for the other fun stuff that they CAN pay attention to. Like games and the computer.
Don't look for his shoes anymore. You don't wear them. It will take about one time of you being serious that he will just have to go without them to school. I bet he'll find them really quickly. And remember were they are for the next day. Give him a night of having to clean up the dinner dishes and give him some chores around the house. He will surely think you are only slaving him, but he is part of a family that has so much more to it than just being about him.
If he truly has the expectation that everything has to be done for him, it's far better that you address it now. Because he will be in a world of hurt when he gets older and finds that the rest of the world won't do that for him.
Like I said, my friend has 4 kids and the youngest is getting treating like an only child by virtue of being the youngest because Dad is the softie. Mom isn't.
It doesn't matter if you are an only child or not, you still have to be responsible for certain things for yourself. It might not be an easy lesson to learn, but a necessary one, none the less.

Just keep being firm and working with him and don't be afraid to call his bluff.
Just my opinion and I hope it wasn't offensive in any way.

A., all of this has NOTHING to do with being an only child!!! I was an only child, and none of this sounds like anything that I did when I was your sons age. I think you answered your own question when you said "he expects you to do everything for him"!!! This behavior did not start on it's own, out of nowhere, and it won't disappear on it's own either. You are going to have to be firm, loving and let him know what is expected of him.
I agree with a couple of the other Mama's who have said to let him experience the natural consequences of his actions. If he can't find his shoes in the morning, then let him go to school in his house slippers, if he can't figure out which foot to put them on, then let him do it the best way he can, I bet he will know pretty quickly if he puts them on the wrong foot!!!
Now, to be fair, you can't just spring this on him in Monday morning, 15 minutes before it is time to leave for school!! You and your husband need to sit down with him and have a talk, explain that in order for him to grow up to be the fine young man that you KNOW he can be, that he needs to start taking on some responsibilities. Make a list of things that you can reasonably expect from him...let him have some feedback in this discussion so he cannot say that he didn't "understand" what was going to happen.
Show him how he needs to lay out his clothes for school the night before...have a place in his room for them, his chair at his desk, or hanging them on a door knob...show him how to put his socks inside his shoes so that he knows where they both are in the morning. Also discuss with him having all of his books and papers ready to go, stored in his back pack so that all has to do is grab it at the door and run to the bus. I would spend a few nights "coaching" him, so that he sees all of the steps that he needs to go through in order to be ready for the next day...and then turn him loose...let him do it on his own and see what happens. When he does things to get ready the night before, heap the praise on so thick that he is about to be buried under it!!! Positive reinforcement is the key here!!!
How much time do you and your husband spend watching tv, playing on the computer, or on the wii games yourselves? You can't expect him to do other things if that is what he sees you doing. Institute a family hour each night, play a board game, read an interesting book, go to the library or take a nature walk. Start expanding his world beyond the electronic 'Babysitters' that so many young parents rely on today.
Most of all, keep your goal in sight...you are not just trying to make him geth is things organized for school the night before or limit his tv time, you are trying to teach him good habits and a sense of responsibility that will translate into a healthy, happy, secure and responsible young man as he grows up. Think of how you would want him to act if you were his supervisor at his first job...and think of the skills that you need to teach him in order for him to succeed at that job!!! The reason I mention this is that I work in a retail pharmacy, a very BUSY retail pharmacy, we have 2 young clerks ( 18 - 21 yrs old and both college students) who obviously did NOT have this sort of thing taught to them as children!! Their idea is to come into work, spend their 4 - 8 hours and go home. They have no initiative, they take no pride in their work...they remind me of the only one liner joke "I am not afraid of hard work, I can watch it anytime"!!! One of them ones to be a fashion designer, one wants to be an architect...I keep telling them that they are not going to suddenly flip a switch when they graduate from college and become these hard working, industrious people...it is something that you have to learn!!!
I am sorry this is so long...I Guess it is an issue that I feel passionately about!!!
Good luck to you and your family.

Not sure why you call it the single child syndrome. I've known quite a few children with siblings who behave this way, and quite a few single children who are not like this at all.

Nevertheless, I like Shane's approach. When my (only) daughter was in 4th or 5th grade, I forget which, she started dawdling on school mornings, and started treating her clothing carelessly.

Not wanting to reinforce bad habits, I told her I was leaving her wardrobe and getting ready for school up to her. If she didn't hang or fold her clothes, she would wear them wrinkled. If dirty clothes didn't make it into the laundry, they didn't get washed. If she wasn't ready for school on time, I would only write a note explaining that she was playing around, and that she should get whatever consequences the teacher found appropriate.

Once it was clear that I really meant it, she took responsibility and was more prompt than when I was pushing her. She took reasonable care of her clothes.

I'm not at all into "discipline" or punishments to keep a child on track. I am very much into clear and reasonable expectations, treating a child with the same respect and politeness I expect, and for my daughter and (only) grandson, that works pretty perfectly. I know other families that do very well using these same guidelines, and have cooperative and polite children.

I hope you find an approach that works for you. I love the approach in the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (Read a sample here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) The authors demonstrate precisely how to help children communicate, identify their own issues, and participate in finding solutions that they can sign onto.

My son is 11 and I wasn't even aware there was such a thing as single child syndrome. He's helpful and respectful because I expect him to be. He does his chores and anything else I ask him to. Many hands make light work. There is occasional grumbling, but not a lot. He has to ask before the TV or computer or games get turned on, and if chores / homework are not finished he knows better than to ask. I tell him the way to fun is to get the work done. Once the work is done you can enjoy the fun with no worries. There's no explaining about an earned reward. You just do it. Have him lay out his clothes the night before (mine does) and if he's having a hard time waking up in the morning, then he goes to bed earlier at night and you wake him up earlier so he can pull himself together. You run his schedule at first and gradually let him take over one aspect of it at a time. There's a time for playing around and being silly (and it's important to have a time for it), but getting ready in the morning is not the time. Being selfish and lazy has nothing to do with the number of children you have. Independence is not something anyone learns over night. You might be going too fast for him and he's overwhelmed.

Hello, A. –

I am an only child and have never heard of the “only child syndrome” until I moved to the US from Europe, where single-child families seem to be much more prevalent than here. I chose to dismiss the only-child label, because much like many of the respondents to your query, I was raised with the highest of expectations to be hard-working, polite, helpful and self-efficient. All the qualities that I am working on instilling in my only child (an eight-year-old son). I quite resent that this stereotype is frequently used in this country to explain certain personality traits or individual behavior choices. One child or many – it is all about natural tendencies, expectations, consistency and communication. I suppose I don’t really have any helpful advice. However, I do encourage you to not justify your son’s behavior by assigning it this label, potentially giving him a life-long excuse (“oh, well, I guess this is how only children are supposed to act”).

Best of luck!

It's not only child syndrome. I have an only child and I don't buy that. It's what we expect from them. My son is 3, a stay at home who just recently started part time daycare, and it's been educational for me. As parents, we tend to do more for the first cause we have more time, we're in a rush, etc. Now that my son is in daycare, he's expected to do certain things that he is CAPABLE of doing, but that I've done for him cause it was EASIER for me to do it. Now he's doing them (pulling up pants, putting on shoes, etc.). Your son isn't doing for himself cause you've done for him.

If you want him to change his behaviour, you have to first change yours. And you have to feel confident in your new approach because you won't follow through if you don't really believe in it yourself.

If he doesn't get the message to respect his things, to take care of himself, let him deal with the consequences. If he doesn't get his shoes for school, he can walk to the bus, etc. without them. If he won't tie them, don't tie them. If his behaviour re. the tv, etc. is extremely disrespectful and he really doesn't appreciate it, pull out the big guns. I've heard of tough love where you take away everything in their room except the bare essentials: bed, 2 weeks worth of clothes, 1 pair of shoes, and that's IT. It all gets locked away until they appreciate at what they have.

I won't say I've ever had to do this or deal with it, but it makes sense to use this as a last resort if he's really being that disrespectful. Again, you have to believe in what you're doing to make it work. If you feel "bad" for him, or that it's too hard to do this stuff, it won't work.

Good luck!

A.-
I have an only son. He is 11. He is lazy, sometimes and really responsible sometimes. I have learned to give him very good instruction and not too many instructions at once and if he can't get stuff done. It's his fault. He does like to blame me. I know sometimes that it's "just easier" to do the work for the kids, but they won't learn responsibility that way.

I agree that it's the child (and the parents) and not birth order or # of siblings.

Set the expectation and let him follow through. I would limit TV, Wii, Computer if it is a problem for you. My son is allowed 45 minutes of "vegtronics" a day during the week and 2 hours on the weekends, providing he has his chores done, has played for a good deal of time outside during the day. You just need to put down the hammer, even though it will initially create more work for yourself, but he'll learn responsibility. Better to do it at 8 then try to fix it at 15 or 16.
Best,
S.

I have 2 kids 19 yrs apart so I raised an only child. I don't mean to be mean and rude but why are you doing all of this for him. if he wants to wear shoes to school he can go find them or do without. If he wants them tied he can tie them if he choses not to tie them then he can fall on his face literally. if he puts his shoes on the wrong feet he will figure it out because if he does it wrong his feet will hurt. This is going to sound snide but not meant to be "who is the parent you or him"?

Just because he wants to watch tv or play with the wii doesn't mean he should get it you are letting him manipulate you. My child never did this with me so it is not single child syndrome it is flat out manipulation. Trust me he understands he can't have what he wants all the time so he also understands he has to manipulate to get his way. You are making excuses for him saying he doesn't understand. He understands perfectly. And the only child syndrome is also an excuse. quit making excuses for him and make him grow up.

this has nothing to do with being an only child - I have 2 kids and one of my kids does some of these things and the other does not.. they are differnt people..

some people are lazier.. some people want to be waited on and others strive for independence..

Hello A.,
I am sorry that some people are so arguementative about the wording you used. I just say it like I see it and that is all that you did. I believe when I was a child it was called the spoiled brat attitude. I am the mother of 5 children BUT there is such a age differance that the youngest was alone for most of his life. Children need to have someone to parrott after and to learn the skill of give and take, how to be a leader or a follower each in its own time. As a only child it is you that must teach these things and be firm about the boundries-- yes it is easier to do things yourself but it doesn't help him learn.
Since you have 2 children you know that we all love our children in different ways sometimes the "youngest" gets the easy times of our parenting years.
I admire your family for making sacrifices to keep your family bond strong. It is a thing that many don't even give consideration to.
Now for the other part of my thoughts. You have to decide if you can take the fight of the needy, manipulative, and childlike behavior that your child will fight with so that you can teach him. Then you will remind him that you are the parent he is the child and that you are in charge and not him. It may come as a shock at first but I know it works. I have raised many foster children and used this method with them. Set boundries,even make a contract if you have to and it can say things like you must keep all your shoes in the same place (that mom has picked) everyday, you will do x y z on a regular basis. I know that I once had to be firm and remove literally all the things that got in his way of doing what needs done and then earn it back one item at a time. In the long run it will be so helpful for him in life. At age 8-- talk to his teacher and see if he can make friends with someone else in his class that is having the same problem. I want you to know that once when my son refused to clean his room I didn't yell, beg, or say anything-- I just got a black garbage bag and filled it up and then took it all away everything he didn't actually have to have. Yes the game system as well. It didn't take long to figure out I meant business. His fit and frustration only made me more determined in my role as parent and his as child.
Parenthood is much like a theme park ride, lots of twists and turns with a surprise at every turn but the rewards are wonderful when you see them grow to productive and responsible young adults. I wish you plenty of patience and luck but believe you can do it.

I reccomend that you stop doing everything for him. You said you want him to put on his shoes, and he said he cant find them then you go look for them. Dont do that. A trip to school without shoes will do him good. (bring a pair to school the day before and explain to the teacher. She/He'll get it.) Stop doing everything. You can have a loving nurturing home without being a slave. You are the parent. Make it so number one.

Hi there,

I only have a 2 1/2 year old, so really don't know what 8 year olds are like! But I'd guess that what the other mommies are saying might be right, that being an only child doesn't have anything to do with it. I'd also let him go to school with no shoes if he doesn't want to find them, etc. Sounds harsh, but it is the reality, he needs to know that he has to do these things for himself. And I'm sure you can find a kind way of telling him that.

That being said, it sounds like maybe he's having some sort of problem? Have you tried talking to him? Asking why he doesn't want to do these things himself? Tell him that you believe in him and you know he is capable? Sounds like he needs some kind of self-esteem boost or something. You could try to tell him you know he can do these things himself, and praise him when he does. I think everyone loves the feeling of accomplishing things for themselves!

Good luck!

H.

I wouldn't necessarily say that this behavior is due to be an only child. My 4 year old acts like that and she has a brother! You just have to stick to your guns and not do those things for him. You might try setting up a morning routine and telling him you are going to set up a timer. Tell him he has until the timer goes off to get ready and if he is able to get it done then he can earn time on the Wii or whatever later. He's old enough to do these things on his own, you just have to stay consistant and make him do it.

This doesn't sound necessarily like a single kid trait. While that may be a factor, most kids his age will push as much as you'll let them. Simply don't give in. Don't worry as much about explaining so he will understand as you do in simply telling him what to do and expect him to do it. Most likely he already understands as much as he's going to but if he can get you to do for him, he will keep on doing that rather than doing for himself. Natural consequenses are great teachers. When he can't find his shoes.... let him look. Be sure he has a place where he is consistenly supposed to put them at night, and when he says he can't find them, ask if he's looked there. Don't go into his room to find them. You have enough to do to get ready to go. When time comes to leave, stand with the door open and tell him you're leaving and to come on along.
I assume you've already taught him how to tie the shoes. So, let him. If he doesn't tie them for himself and trips over a lace ... well, as I said consequences are great teachers. That may sound unkind, but it does work.
Ex. This morning my daughter came to drop off her younger daughter for us to watch while she is volunteering with the older daughter's class at school. As is usual, the older girl was finding all sorts of things she "just had to do" when it was time to go. Her mother went to the door saying "I'm leaving now. If you want to come along that's ok too" and she went out the door. Her daughter immediately started whining "Don't leave without me!" but she very quickly picked up the things she needed to take and followed her mother to the car.
If your son knows you aren't going to give in to him on these things, he'll begin to learn to cooperate and do things for himself that he needs to do. And as far as the games are concerned... not an issue. He either earns the priviledge in whatever way you have decided is best for him, or he doesn't get to play.
Do be sure you are interacting with him in other productive ways... having him help you with projects... or you helping him with projects. Play games together.. old fashioned non electronic games are still wonderful bonding opportunities for parents and their kids. Go on outings together.. even if they are only as simple as a walk around the block. This can open up a wonderful time of conversation that not only can help you bond with your boy and entertain him, but can be quite educational as well.
You may be thinking. "but I'm so busy I don't have time for all of that". Let me assure you that a bit of time spent doing those things with your son will, in the long run, free up more time than it takes to do them because he will be more cooperative with you and more ready to do things for himself.
You may also want to consider inviting friends from school over on occasion so he'll have someone his age to play with. Make a weekly game night for him and have him ask two or three good friends to come and play wii or other games. Or just let them play in the yard together. Maybe order a pizza for dinner. These are just some random suggestions to get you started. I'm sure you'll figure something out that works well for your particular situation.

It sounds like you're trying to "tell" him these things; why not show him. For ex: when he says he can't find his shoes, tell him he'll be going bare foot. If he puts them on the wrong feet, let him wear them that way. Unplug the WII, put a password on the computer and put parental controls on the TV stations he likes to watch. Do not buy him anything that is not absolutely necessary nor give him the computer password, nor hook up the WII, nor take the parental controls off the TV stations until he earns something. He's going to spend a day or two whining about these things, but if you don't give in, he'll get the message and if he truly wants these things, he will do what he needs to do to get them. If not, well, I would be just as happy as a mom not having my child playing WII, or on the computer or in front of the TV all the time. Leaves much more time for homework, chores and imaginative play!

Well, I'm an only child, and I wasn't allowed to act that way -ever! Kids do what they're allowed to do, so don't put up with him being lazy or selfish. Volunteer for some charity or community service projects so he can see how many people have nothing. Don't give into his selfishness -he's old enough to be told he's being selfish and how and how he should be acting. Don't put up with laziness! Assign him some chores and get him involved in some type of extracurricular activity he likes -sports, music, martial arts, art classes -whatever. If he whines about anything, tell him there's a no whining policy and if he continues start taking privelages away from him. If he wonders why you're being so awful, tell him you decided you don't want HIM to be an awful person because he has too much potential for that, and he needs to straighten up a bit!

Hi A.,
I have an only son who is 7. I agree with some of the advice you've gotten so far, and disagree with some.
I don't think it's necessarily an "only child" thing, but from the families I know, it IS an "oldest child" thing more than anything. I think with your first child, you tend to dote longer, help out more, etc....by the time people have a second, third or fourth child, the parents just CAN'T help as much because they have less time per child. I think the younger siblings just learn to do things for themselves earlier and more independently. That's the situation I've had confirmed by m,any friends whose oldest was "needier" than the younger sibs.
But when you have an "only" you still tend to over-do the helping b/c the time is there! (It's ALWAYS the mother, isn't it? lol)
Seriously, just check yourself as to how much help you give. My son still likes to be dressed by me, pulls the shoe shenanigans, acts helpless. But if I say "come downstairs when your jammies are on and you can see the end of the hockey game", guess what? He CAN and WILL do it! It's OK if the jammy pants are on backwards--let him go. It builds confidence and he'll get better at it. You won't be putting on his tuxedo pants for him on prom night!
Just make sure he's not playin ya!

You only see him 3 times a year so is it possible he's upset/hurt that he doesn't get to spend more time with you so he takes it out on you when you do see him? Does he think his dad picked you over him and that's why he sees you so seldom? Have you talked to him about any of this?
It could be more that he's acting out because of some hidden anger than because he's an only child.
Also you have to be careful not to alienate him too much. Because you don't see him very much it's hard to change his attitude altogether. He's acting the way he is either simply because he can get away with it or because he's acting out for one reason or another. Coming down too h*** o* him may alienate him and you may see him even less than you already do. Allowing the behaviour probably isn't ideal either.
It might be a good idea to simply say when he's with you these are the rules and expectations. Set him up so he knows exactly what to expect when he goes to your place. Put the rules in place, have consequences for not following them, but don't expect his attitude to change altogether. He may straighten up while with you and go right back when he goes home.
Hope that helps.

A.,
I have one son also (he's 13) and I am a speech-language pathologist and have worked with many children. I agree with practically everything the other moms said. Being an only child has nothing to do with this behavior. You mentioned that he is ADHD and ODD. You also said that he is a different race from the other kids who are around. Perhaps you should talk with his school counselor, or ask if there is a developmental psychologist available though his school, then it would be very beneficial to get some help. Due to his ADHD, he does need a schedule, and your home/his room should be uncluttered, with a specific place for everything. It's hard for someone with ADD or ADHD to focus and listen and pay attention when things are unorganized and all over the place. Also, these children may need more time to process verbal instructions and may need more time to get ready to go out. As far as the computer games/wii, you need to limit those. You decide how much he gets to play every day/weekends and stick with it. These behaviors that he is exibiting look and sound like things that a person with ODD does and says. Perhaps the counselor /developmental psychologist can give you some ideas on how to deal with him. Also, perhaps your son should see the counselor on his own, or the two of you could see the counselor together. Regarding the race issue, maybe the counselor also has ideas regarding that too. I am of a different race from most folks in my town too, and I know that sometimes it can be awkward. I agree with Julie. Ask him what extracurricular activities he's interested in (a church kids program, swimming, art class, karate, learn to play an instrument, etc.) and sign him up for one or two (don't overschedule him though-- and you said that you work, so keep your own schedule in mind--keep it realistic.) This will keep him busy and occupied and will give him an opportunity to make friends who have the same interests as him. I know that it can be hard for children with ADHD & ODD to make friends. These behaviors are only going to get worse if you don't do something now.

I have been in the same situation and let me tell you if you don't correct it now it only gets worse. Especially when their friends at school "help" feed into this self entitlement behavior. Our society is different from when we grew up and the kids these days expect more, however, I'm sure our parents dealt with these types of issues as well and what did they do? Put their foot down, parent, guide us, teach us, be firm, show by example not just words etc. Keep doing that, set boundaries, have rewards/benefits/consequences, keep up with your teaching/guidance, don't let up and you will see a marked difference. One thing you have to consider is what does his mom do? Coddle? So you have that to work against but you can still do it. You just have to catch it early and be consistent. If you don't, things will only get worse: for him and for you. So keep it up, hang in there and good luck!!!! It will work out if you do!

I think raising one child at a time is harder. The other siblings usually help the younger child out. I noticed this when we had our second child and then the third child when he was born seemed to understand homework right away because all those years prior to school he watched my other two kids do homework. He was the child who liked homework, imagine that!

Hope you enjoy raising your son, my youngest is 13, the time goes soooooo fast. Take care.