Just When I Finally Started Thinking She Liked Me (Sorry This Is Gonna Be Long)

I was really funny about anyone drinking in front of my kids for a long time. All it really did was make everyone else miserable because I was making a big deal over nothing. Mind you, I don't drink but a few drinks a year to begin with, but so what is once every few months my kids see someone have a beer or two? There is something to be said for demonstrating that drinking can be done in moderation without people getting drunk.

(and my walls and baseboards may be clean, but i haven't cleaned under my fridge since we replaced it over a year ago, lol) I think she just wishes you were more like her and taking care of her little boy the way she did, mom's are like that.

You clean under there???? Yes we have dirt. Some studies have been shown that it is actualy good for the kids to be exposed to non sterile enviroments.

Drinking... not me just because I do not drink.

I shudder to think what is under my fridge! and the baseboards...let's not to there.

My mil was much like yours and it never got better. Finally she had a stroke and started treating EVERYONE as bad as she had me for 25 years.

You have to stop caring what she thinks. You husband is just as responsible for the condition of your house as you are.

A.,

I feel for you... it stinks when a family member is critical and you feel like you are not liked. Your MIL doesn't live your life though. She doesn't know what you do, how hard you work, how you care for your kids, what you worry about... she complains about dirt under your refrigerator and your dirty baseboards??? Are you kidding?

My point is... obviously you have different priorities than baseboards and dust bunnies under the fridge. Who cares what she thinks?? She sounds as though she's a person you will never be able to please. And she refers to your family as "those people." Does your husband get depressed because the house is "dirty"? Does it upset him that she's so negative about his family? Does he say anything to her?

Sorry... I wouldn't waste one more ounce of energy on what she thinks. And I gotta tell ya, if I had to be around her very much, I'd be drinking a whole lot more than it sounds like you do.

Cheers!

Here's the full version of that poem mentioned below - most only know the last verse!

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

If you are responsible with your children
If you love them and care for them and they don't do without what they need
If you are okay with the fact that your home isn't model perfect
If your SO is okay with the same

Then that's really all that matters. She may or may not end up liking you. She may or may not ever decide that you are worthy of the paragon of manhood that is her son. You have no control over that. You have control over whether or not you give a rat's hairy flying butt.

You focus on doing what you think is best for your kids. You focus on loving that man of yours to such a degree that he's dizzy with it. You let her focus on how depressed she is that their's dirt under your fridge. Of the two of you, you will be the happier for it, and that's all that really matters.

*ETA - rather than get in a big ole fight with her, you man needs to say to his mom things like, "Well, mom, I'm sure they have support groups for that." or "You should talk to your doctor about the appropriate meds." or "As soon as we get that fridge thing worked out, I'll let you know it's safe to drop by." or "You could always call Merry Maids for us as a gift. I'm sure they take checks." I could go on for days. Don't get mad. Don't even get even. Get flippant. Drives 'em nuts.

I couldn't tell you what is under my fridge... the last time I cleaned under was when we moved into our house and I redid the floor... 5 years ago! The only reason under my stove is clean, is because it stopped working and I had to pull it out so the repair guy could get to it.

Baseboards get cleaned once a month.. sometimes every other month. That's about how often under the couch gets cleaned also! My house isn't dirty, but its not spotless.

As far as your brother... I have an entire side of the family that drinks too much. It hasn't turned me into an alcoholic by any means. If anything it has shown me what it can do to a person and how to avoid it. I rarely drink in front of my kids. But they know we go the bars. My husband and ex husband do have a few beers here and there. I also believe that teaches kids that is not bad to drink, but shows them how to do it responsibly.

My oldest (15) seen me drunk last year for the first time... while I was embarrassed the next morning, he thought it was funny me literally crawling into the house and laughing at him. But he was a sweet heart and put a pillow and blanket by toilet... that sadly I ended up using... Not one of my proudest moments by far! But he got to see the down side of drinking and opened his eyes about it a little more. So I "guess" it was a lesson of some kind lol

Just keep doing what your doing. Keep living your life for your SO and your children. When they are older looking back... yeah they may remember that the house wasn't perfect, but more than anything they are going to remember the time you spent with them! Thats what is important!

What a controlling bit$#!
She would probably have a heart attack if she came to my house. We have dirt under every appliance...baseboards, you name it. If you can't see directly under it, chances are I only clean it once a year.
My floors need mopping most of the time, I am lucky if I can keep up with vacuuming and I yesterday I FINALLY folded the laundry from the last two weeks...
I don't consider my house dirty, but you definitely should not eat off the floors.

Your DH is a big boy and should tell her that if it bothered him he would take a sponge and clean it himself.

And yes, DD has seen me drink a glass of wine or a beer and *gasp* I have even let her smell it, because I knew she would hate it and lessen her interest in "adult" beverages.
I have seen my mom WASTED on occasion... a few block parties I remember she REALLY let go (including singing, dancing and drinking games) and though it was embarrassing, it did not turn me into an alcoholic.

Just ignore her... and accept that she won't change.
Good luck.

Tell her she can have a key to the house and come over and clean anytime she wants.
I don't think this has anything to do with you but with an undiagnosed mental illness. She sounds OCD to me but could also be bi-polar. She is focusing on the 'bad' element in your family so you won't focus on the same elements in her family.

Yes, the occasional glass of wine at dinner, or my DH will drink a whiskey sour at night. I usually only drink on special occasions. I think your brother is something you should really think about because it sounds like he has a problem (at least overindulgence) and either the party or the company is not appropriate for kids. You having a beer here and there is different, but maybe she has something in her past that makes her twitchy about drinking.

I totally have dirt under the fridge, dust on my ceiling fan, and rarely wash my baseboards. If the rest of the house is clean, why is that such a big deal? And does she remember what it's like to have kids? You sneeze and they've busted open a box of cheerios on the floor, tracked in mud while playing with the dog and someone says, "Uh oh!" from the light carpeted livingroom and you don't even want to look.

Why should you get up and clean while your company is there? Does he seriously get up and clean vs visit with his mother? Is he an only child, by chance?

What does your DH say when she blasts his family?

We have the same model MIL: neatfreak. Let me tell you a story. Before my FIL passed away he had really bad dementia. He rarely remembered who I was when I was there in front of him although when my husband talked to him about me he remembered me. So the first time he remembered me in a lucid moment when I visited him in the nursing home, he brightened up and in a thick Italian accent said, "Oh! J.! Have you cleaned your house yet?"

My MIL is always giving me tips on how best to clean my house, my laundry, what products to use, how a house should smell, etc and she hasn't been to my house in probably two years. My home may be untidy but it's clean. It's definitely not up to her standards. She spent more time cleaning when her kids were young than she spent playing and doing homework and doing one-on-one things with them.

In the end, it's really about a different approach to parenting. I put spending time with the kids above intensive daily cleaning. There isn't even dust collected in miniscule cracks where there SHOULD be dust! There isn't dust on top of frames hanging on walls that are out of reach! She washes her walls! Weekly! I do them seasonally!

Ahem.

Yep, plenty of dirt under the fridge and on the floor boards. I clean that maybe 2x a year. Yep, my son has seen me drink but haven't been drunk in front of him although maybe once I was. I work full time and if you worked 9-5 then there is not a lot of time for cleaning house and thats not how you want to waste every weekend. my hours have been changed to be 6-2 temporarily but thats a huge difference because theres extra time for kids and cleaning during the week.
Who cares what your MIL thinks. Shes there to visit you and not the house. my in-laws are staying with us for the 1st time this xmas and MIL has not liked our house since we bought it. She said every room should be a different color with borders. she also hates that my kitchen is purple. I have learned to not care how she acts and if I don't want to start stuff, to just either not answer her and stand there or walk away. If its just your floor boards and under the fridge thats dirty then what on earth is her problem.

Didn't read your other responses, but here's what I think...if she is that concerned about how dirty she thinks your house is, she should offer to come over and clean it! YES, there is grime under my fridge, my cool air return vents sometimes have dust on em. By the end of summer, there is a layer of dust on my fans! We clean when we can, have the kids help out so it gets done faster and when we want to relax, we do and don't feel bad about it!

It's too bad that your MIL doesn't understand...one thing I learned a long time ago was that sometimes, older generations do not understand how it is for us (not everyone!) But those who got to be SAHM and were superwomen who COULD do it all! My mom was like that and my dad made a comment to me one time when I said I was happy to have gotten my bathroom clean...he said "well, mom had the three of you and always kept the house clean." Ummm...mom didn't work and we were all 4 yrs apart. He then realized that things were much different for me, working full time w/ 2 lil ones who are 14 mos apart!

And yes, my kids see me enjoy a glass of wine or a wine cooler once in awhile. Don't beat yourself up...you are doing YOUR best and as long as YOU are ok w/ it, then let it go!

When my hubby & I were newly weds, my MIL blamed me for everything. My hubby has 2 other brothers & she let it be known to EVERYONE that my hubby is the favorite son. Needless to say, I was coming into a very difficult situation b/c I was marrying her favorite. We don't smoke & anyone who does, has to smoke outside. She blamed me for her getting sick b/c she couldn't smoke in MY house, saying that before we got married she could smoke in the house (which my hubby NEVER let her do before we were married). She was also terribly angry b/c we didn't serve alcohol at our daughters 1st b-day party (not that we don't have it, we just didn't want to serve it at a party for a 1 y/o). She only told me once that something was dirty at our house (before we had the microwave above the stove, we had a vent fan with the hood). She reached up & told me it was dusty. I told her to hang on, grabbed a roll of paper towels & cleaning spray, & handed it to her. I told her to feel free to clean whatever she found that was dirty. Granted she has told my other sisters-in-law that their houses were dirty too (over weird stuff). I'd get sassy with her sometimes & ended up being her favorite. I can't say too much since she passed away 3 years ago. Good luck!

Yes!
every good mother has a little dirt in the corners.
I wish I could think of the poem my mother always quoted something like cobwebs can wait as I rock my child to sleep
I could have written part of your story myself --- my home is not spotless nor is it a mess-- but my family is blessed.
My guess is either your dear MIL did not work - or had a maid - or both ---
Truth is you will never be good enough for her son----- and that is OK
becasue obviously you are more than good enough for him!!!!!!
So put your feet up - grab a glass of wine (or beer) bring out the game boards and enjoy your children -- they grow too fast and one day you will have all the time in the world like your MIL but remember NOT to be like her to the spouses of your children.
Good Luck and remember you are not alone -- words can hurt -- but the love of your family and mend that quickly

I do not drink in front of my kids except for special occasions. Children do copy what they see their parents doing. I have learned this the hard way. My husband and I both have alcoholism in our families so we are trying to model a different behavior than what we saw but we also do not want them to blind what is out there. If kids see their parents deal with the stress of a work day but drinking then they will do the same. I am not saying what you are doing is wrong because you are probably doing it responsibly. I have just seen two young people who are in their thirties die from the effects of alcohol. They had been drinking since high school. It is so sad to see the effects it has on their families. Just recognize if you have any children who are vulnerable to this and be willing to discuss the use of alcohol. Kids are turning to alcohol because of the stress in their lives. Oh I do not have a palace or museum for a house. My house has dirt. I do clean under the frig occasionally . Only because I do not want to have to buy a new one.

Dirty baseboards and dirt under the fridge? No matter.

A few beers here and there? I read the responses, and looks like I'm in the minority here, but I think that's too much. After a few beers, I would not function right (I'd be drunk for sure), and I probably wouldn't realize how bad it looked.

If your MIL is getting depressed over little things like the cleanliness of your house and your brother's activity, then there might be more going on with her than you realize. Has she always done this since you met her? Has this been something that's occurred slowly over time? My own mother fell into a deep clinical depression several years ago, before I married my husband. It had nothing to do with my relationship with him, but all of the worries she'd piled up over the years (plus the stresses she'd been dealing with that particular year) took a toll on her. It took three years of putting her in hospitals, and finally, my father agreed to ECT (electro-shock therapy) as a final treatment. I know that's probably extreme compared to what you're going through, but she may have a mental disorder that needs to be treated in order for her to be happy. My mother's personality disorder could make her very manipulative, and even though she had the treatment, I still find she gets depressed easily and over little things that she cannot control. She wants to fix everything for everyone, especially her children, and I think the depression is the only way she feels she can cope (which isn't coping). Maybe your MIL still feels like she should be in control in your SO's life? It might be time to talk to her and discover her real feelings about the situation.
As for your brother's drinking, I agree that if he's drinking to the point of being drunk, that might not be the best place for your children. I don't drink to excess myself (just a little wine, and very rarely, like once a year), only because alcoholism runs in my family as well as other addictive behaviors. I don't think it's a problem to have a beer here or there, but just remember you're modeling behaviors for your children. What would you like them to be doing when they become teenagers (or even younger)? Just a thought. Good luck!