Is My Husband Right?

I completely disagree with 90% of the responses.

My experience is a little different. My cancer diagnosis came 1 day before my son's 2nd birthday, 2 days before mine and before my daughter had turned 11 weeks-old. She spent every night of that first year in bed with me for a few reasons.
1. I had to stop nursing to start chemo. It was easier on me (I worked full-time through chemo) to have her there for nighttime feedings
2. I was scared of dying and my children not knowing me. I needed the comfort as much as she did as an infant.

She's our rock-solid sleeper now at 2 years old.
Her 4 year-old brother is an awful sleeper despite having a much different kind of "training" his first few years.

It's been 2.5 weeks for a MAJOR event in both of your lives.
He's scared, you're scared. 4 months from now is a different story. Yes, you can slowly transition him. You can start with the mattress at the end of the bed and create a reward system for staying there vs. coming into bed and slowly transition him back to his.

As adults, we have a different perspective on life. He's 4. He's had brain surgery. He doesn't understand anything other than he's scared and needs comfort and nurturing.

Good luck - sorry to have a different perspective.

I believe we have "mommy instincts" for a reason. Listen to your gut. However, look for a way to find a compromise that everyone will agree on. Maybe your son falls asleep in your bedroom, but then hubbie carries him to his bed. Or maybe have a mattress/air float on the floor in your room so he can be with everyone.

Having a mass removed and having TWO surgeries would traumatize me - and adult. How much scarier would it be for a little one with far less coping skills? A couple of weeks is really not all that long. Have you tried to add more "together time" into the day or more "kid power" activities? Build up his assurances cup in other ways and that should help him get back to normal.

One other thing, there are many people who do co-sleeping. More than you'd think. It's not harmful but it depends on the sleep needs of the family. Google around for that and you should have more info.

Am sending you and your family good, healing thoughts! What an event to have happen.

I had my son in the emergency room and subsequent home care recently and I have to say that it took him a month to get back to sleeping in his own bed. My son is 5 1/2 and did not have major surgery but just the trauma of going through the emergency room process and his illness afterwards was enough to make him scared. I believe its normal and it does take time to get readjusted after a shock to his normal daily life. I'm sorry that your family had to go through this. I did sleep with him the first week, then I slept in his room (I have a roll away bed) for the second week, then sat in his room until he went to sleep the third and fourth week. My hubby and I both shared this responsibility so our son wasn't running to me but also to daddy. He has asked me before he has gone to bed what if it happens again that I get sick. I told my son that daddy and I will be there to help him and we are just down the hall. Even now, I work to calm his fear. I understand your husband, but really this is a huge deal for a child and I think you have to do what you have to do help your son get over the trauma. Sense of time for adults is so different for children. Good luck to you!

Updated

Go to the calendar with him and have him circle a date in the near future when he will sleep in his own room. Have him x out each day that passes with red marker and plan on giving him a special treat the first morning that he sleeps all the way through the night on his own.

I would sleep with my son until he felt confident to sleep on his own. However, if my husband put his foot firmly down on the subject, I might find some way to compromise with him to show him that I respect his opinion on the matter. Moms are there to nurture - and it sounds like that is what your little boy needs right now.

Put him back in his bed. If you don't he will be in your bed forever. and your husband deserves to sleep confertable to. It's not that you don't love your son but remember the longer you let him sleep with you the harder it will be on him to return things to normal.
You simply have to tell him that it's not ok to sleep with mommy anymore, instead before bed cuddle on the couch and read with him. he will enjoy the time and understand that your not trying to get rid of him but you are going to have to face the facts that he will cry. He is still in the toddler years and yes your husband is right (which doesn't happen to offten, lucky man..lol)

im wondering why your husband has to sleep separate from you two. if it is a matter of space.....get a bigger bed. Sleeping with your son is not wrong, not even a little bit, but making your husband sleep elsewhere is a tad bit, depending on the reason. We have a family bed, always have. Kids that are going through something traumatic are terrified to sleep alone. usually its just anxiety, your son faced the prospect of dying so, so so young. Cuddle with him mommy, he wont be sleeping in your bed forever, but right now he needs you.

I feel for you as a mother. I tend to lean with your husband on this one. I liked the idea of letting him sleep close to your bed but even after he get use to that he will be upset when you move him back to his room. If there is no medical issues going on now that needs a sharp eye at night getting back to things as normal as possible is a good idea. My son had surgery when he was 6 at the time. They thought he may of had cancer and removed a mass that was in his neck. He got a close eye on him at night for the first week. It was hard not to stay right with him. Have you thought about laying with him in his bed till he is asleep and you are sure he is ok and then moving back to your room? We have done this many times over the years. My little man came early and has had breathing troubles alone with other things. I will keep your family in my prayers.

The sooner you get him back to his normal, the better. Your husband is right, it is time. I know how you feel, my son was 3 when he had to say for almost 2 weeks, surgery, flights to specialist, you name it. When we were home I made him sleep in his bed so he would know he was better, and that life kept going and it was time to get back to it! The longer you let him play you with this, and keep your husband from the martial bed, the harder it will be for him to transition back, and the more rejected your husband will feel.

I think that he might need some time to get adjusted and it possibly may take more than 2 1/2 weeks. First, he had emergency surgery that was traumatizing for him, then he was away from home for 10 days, and deal with whatever soreness or pain he had from the surgery. I think its fair to say he has been through alot.
Maybe you can try lying down with him in his bed or reading too him in his bed until he falls to sleep, then going back to your bed after he falls to sleep. Every night you can shorten the time that you are in his room.

First of all - I'm so sorry your son had to go through this. It sounds like you are really traumatized by the situation. I have to side with your hubby on this one though. The longer you keep your kiddo in bed with you, the harder it is going to be to get him to sleep back in his bed. As long as the drs didn't say anything about keeping an eye on him 24/7 for a certain period of time, I think you are OK to but him back in his room.

Yeah he is right but try this. Make him sleep in his room, and for the first night or two "camp" in there with him and when he falls asleep, go back to your room.

As much as you love your son, you have to put your husband first. He wants back in bed with YOU so your son must return to his own bed. Stick with a bedtime routine, shower your son with hugs and kisses and reassure him that you will be there when he wakes up in the morning. Then go back to bed with your husband. After all, if you didn't start sharing a bed with your husband in the first place, you wouldn't have your sweet son. :)

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I agree with Stephanie. Your husband is right...sorry to say! Make him sleep in his room, you sleep on the floor for a few nights. Or even, just wait for him to fall asleep then head back to your room.

Is your husband right? Yes. Does that make it any easier? No.
He's healing well from his surgery, and well on the way to getting all better.
Get him in his own bed. Stay by his side as long as you want, but where he sleeps needs to be in his own bed. Make a cute fort out of it. Surround him with his favorite stuffed animals. Give him a nifty night light. Make his bed/room the cool fun secure place to be. Sit next to him, then every night move your chair a little closer to the door. Eventually you'll put him to bed and tell him you'll be sitting right outside his door. You all need your sleep. You all love him so much (tell him) and tell him he needs his rest/sleep too in order to heal up and his bed is the best place for that to happen. The faster he heals, the faster he can get back into the swimming pool or what ever other fun things he likes to do. He'll get over this, and so will you.

Well you can't go back and change anything, so the question is how do you get your son back to his bed with him being "in desire". I have a couple of thoughts- what if you got him some character sheets that he would "want to sleep with"? Also, my son would do anything to have me "sleep next to him" in his bed. I don't but maybe as a step back in that direction, you could sleep on the floor next to his bed and hold his hand to start transitioning back. If you did that for a week, then my excuses to leave were oh I have to go to the bathroom or get a drink or whatever. Good luck! Sounds very scare for all!

At this point yeah he's playing you.
Put him back in his bed, and bring your husband back to yours where he belongs.

I agree with your husband. Children belong in their own beds you belong in bed with your husband.

Maybe he is scared something is going to happen to him..since he just had the surgery. Reassure him that he is safe. Possibly put a flashlight beside his bed in case of being scared.

I have a 6 yo girl and 2 yo boy. Our children have never been through an experience like yours, I can't even imagine what you or he went through! However our children both want to sleep with us from time to time or have us sleep with them. I used to tell my husband that he had a choice, share his room with his wife or share a room with his kid. I also set a time limit (5am) as for when it would be ok for the kids to come in. If they woke up anytime before 5am they stayed in their room, after 5 they could come in with us. We also started, to avoid the fight at bedtime, telling them that we were not going to bed but they could fall asleep in our bed. Then when we would go to bed we would move them back into their room. Our daughter caught on to this very quickly and would start to throw a fit (when she woke up) about us moving her and I gave her options: A) fall asleep in mom and dads bed and wake up in her room OR B) sleep in her room all night. I would not argue with her about it, I would just keep reinforcing her 2 options and that if she didn't make a decision I would decide. She now makes the decision and usually only wants to fall asleep in our room during thunderstorms or little things like that.

As a mother I totally sympathize with you but your husband is right. Now how do you do it? Well, you just do it. Your son no matter what isn't going to want to sleep in his bed. My oldest (slept with me for 2yrs) still asks to sleep with mommy but I have to tell her no...no matter how many tears. Your son will adjust and so will you. Turn on the monitor (our compromise...I can't rest without it). Stay with him until he falls asleep. Go to bed with your HUSBAND :)

My daughter had surgery when she was 18 months. My husband and i made a bed on her floor and slept there. If he is scared and needs you, it is ok...they are only young for so long. Hope everything goes well.

I agree that moving him back to his room and getting back to previous sleeping routine as soon as possible is a good thing. However, I wouldn't belittle or force changes about it, since he's still probably getting over it.

Maybe sit down and explain that while he is sleeping better, Mommy & Daddy have a hard time sleeping with so many people in bed. Then offer to set up a cot, either in his room or in yours, next to the bed. That way, he'll be right there next to you, but not in the bed. And if he gets scared, he can reach up and touch you or you can hold his hand.

I totally understand where you are coming from, but i believe your husband is right. When our son was 4 he was hospitalized in Sasebo Japan, I stayed there with him but did not sleep with him. when he came home he did fine but he shared a room with his 7 year old brother. But the by letting your son sleep with you, you are basically validating his fears of sleeping alone, instead of helping him see that he is home now and there is nothing to be afraid of. What he is feeling is normal, I had 2 back to back 2 weeks stays in the hospital, i almost died, when i got home I went through a fearful anxiety time of feeling scared and alone. Your husband weeds to be in the married bed, the family bed as one mom mentioned, is creepy, in your case it's different, but in order to help your son adjust you have to slowly help him, let him sleep on a mattress on your for for a few days, then move him to his room, and you and daddy read. sing to him make him feel safe, then go to your own room, when my daughter was little she always told me how many times she wanted me to check on her. and I did, so you can do that, do what ever will make him feel safe and secure. The problem is things become habit with children, and sleeping with mommy is now a habit
and not a healthy one. Husbands and wives should never sleep apart. I will pray for your son. You are a good mom.