Is It Just Me? - Apache Junction,AZ

You are not alone.
Common sense is not that common.
My son's 12 and we haven't had a run to the ER yet (knock on wood).
He has twisted and ankle or wrist in taekwondo a few times or in the skating rink, but an ace bandage or brace was enough till it healed up.
We're careful with fire and we don't play with fireworks (I had a fire cracker go off in my hand when I was a kid - my hand was numb for 24 hrs - I was lucky the nerve damage wasn't permanent).

I feel like you do. Sometimes the cavalier attitudes of other mothers really, REALLY scares me. Almost more than the behaviors and potential dangers they are ignoring. Ironic, huh?

I was raised with open fires, fireworks, matches etc.. my parents and relatives had a respect for all of it and taught us how to behave around it.. Heck in Girl Scouts at 8 we were taught fire safety, how to start a fire and how to put one out..

Maybe this is something you and your husband could teach your son, so he will not be fascinated by it and will understand how to behave around it..
You will also feel better about his safety.

We can only keep our children as safe as we teach them. You cannot live in fear, or your children will always be fearful. Empower them through correct information.

Let's visualize all parents on a graph ranging from very very cautious to very very careless and unthinking. So, most parents, I think, would fall somewhere in the middle of the graph. Some parents would fall to one side or the other. Very few would show up at the extreme ends of the graph.

So, NO. You're not the only one in being cautious.
But, for good reasons, you're down toward the very very cautious end
of the graph.

The people who were (kinda) supervising the fire and the marshallow-toasting are somewhere over on the other side of the graph.

Because of your camp experience and your aunt's experience,
you are far more cautious than many people. And, it's true,
a lot of people do NOT project danger expectations.
They're busy in their minds with other stuff (or not)
and just don't think that way.

So, go ahead and make sure your own child is safe
and (probably) it's a waste of your time and energy
to attempt to get other people to see things the way you do.

But remember not to limit your child's experiences too much . . .
for his own emotional health.

Did anyone get hurt?
I mean, there's a difference between being hypervigilent and using standard caution.
When I was little, there weren't even seat belt or car seat laws, kids rode in the back of pick up trucks. We lived.
I don't know. When we get to the point we are afraid for our kid to know the joy of climbing a tree or roasting marshmallows because of the danger, we have to stop and think, "What CAN we let them do that's safe?"
We put our kids in the car everyday and drive around. That's more dangerous than lots of other things. But, we think nothing of it as we get from Point A to Point B,
Caution is good, but we have to let our children experience things. We have to. We also have to teach them how to do it safely as opposed to not letting them do it at all.

Just my opinion.

Ugh, the fireworks. I've always been afraid of amateur fireworks, they seem to head directly for the trees. My sister and I used to go to our grandparents' house for new year every year, and she got in the habit of doing a few small fireworks. I hated it because it seemed so unsafe - lots of houses and trees around - but she insisted it was fine.

Then one year one of them shot off and landed right in between the house and the shrub right next to the house. There were flames starting. My sister and I yelled that the house was on fire and she didn't even believe us! We had to put out the fire throwing snow at it. After that I refused to go there for new year if she was going to do fireworks.

Ok mostly off topic, but I do totally understand where you're coming from :)

I love Shira's words of insight!

I know that being too overly cautious isn't too great for kids because they either grow up feeling like they missed out on a lot of social connections and experiences and/or they grow up fearing all of the things that 'could' happen no matter how remote.

I know not being cautious on most levels is just plain neglect when taken to the extreme and very damaging to the child self worth and sense of safety in the world. This kind of neglect increases the chance of 'unlikely' things to become way more likely, which is very unsafe.

I think finding a balance and making sure the context is considered is a great idea. I struggle with this topic because of all of those fears most mama's have...part of being a parent for both me and my partner!

Our son is only nearly 11months old, so I've not yet had to address this so much yet. But my partner...he worried that even close supervision with a gift ribbon could still result in our son yanking out his own tooth:) LOL. It's funny, but he really was worried so we both know we need to keep tabs on our fears and own them and try not to have our son miss out on fun things because of irrational fears.

Now, here's the challenge...how do we know if it's irrational? Surely the answer doesn't rest with 'what are the other parents doing'? How do we know if the other parents aren't worried because no one else seems worried either and it's one big group think???

So, I guess I have nothing useful to offer this conversation because I'm at the very beginning of learning this stuff!!! So thank you for posting this question...and thank you mama's for offering your wisdom because it's helping me too:)

Happy New Year everyone!

Fire. Water. Moving Vehicles. All of those things are super worrisome to me---I don't see how people allow their kids to play with fire, swim alone without an adult, ride bikes or motorcycles without helmets or safety gear etc. The list goes on....But bottom line, if I see a child in danger whether its my child or not, I will say something. I wouldn't want to be able to potentially prevent a tragedy and not do something about it----I would rather be over cautious than stupid. Each parent though has the right to determine the risks they are willing to take-so I respect that fully, but I still will step in if I see emminent danger.

M

Hi T., My name is K. and my husband Tim and I have been married for over 20 years and have 4 teenagers (three boys and a girl) right now. We also raised my nephew who is 22. I was raised with all sisters and one brother and was taken by surprise with three boys in three years. My mom was especially a wreck. Girls just don't dream up the crazy things that boys do to get into trouble. In fact, if it doesn't blow up or make a racket, most boys want nothing to do with it. That being said, you can't pad their rooms and surroundings and make it all "child proof" so that they never have to learn caution or self control. If you do this you will either turn your son into a pansy, or you'll raise one of those kids that at 18 has never been told no and breaks all the rules and runs over everyone else's feelings.

It is quite a task we as moms are called to do, to raise boys to be men. Real men are responsible, loving, humble, strong, dependable, tough, etc. If you want your boy to be a real man who knows how to be faithful and true, you need to teach your son how to control his emotions and actions. How to handle fire, knives, weapons etc responsibly, never pointing a weapon at something you don't intend to destroy etc. How to apologize when he's wrong and make things right when he's messed things up. In order to do this, you would be within your parental rights to not take him where he observes adults being less responsible than the kids (drinking, playing with fire and fireworks in a state where fireworks are illegal).
Best wishes in the task ahead of you. It is possible! Be consistent and try to train him right the first time and you won't have to go back and retrain him later!
K.

As far as the campfire and marshmellows, this doesn't bother me at all because I did it as a kid, and my kids do it all the time. They've been properly trained from a young age (by hubby and I, friends who camp, and their girl scout training) as to the dangers and to follow the rules.

As for fireworks, I hate them, and I'm extremely neverous arround them because they are so unpredicable and in many cases I know the people lighting them aren't using safety precautions. At the party last night, only a few kids went outside for the fireworks, my kids knew they didn't have a choice.

The bottom line is as a parent in these types of situations you need to do what you think is best for your child. If the other parents choose to make a different decission for their child, that's ok, it's their choice to make as they know their child best.

I tend to be overly cautious as well. I can actually see the accident happening in my head! I think since you have had experience with people getting burned that you are super sensitive to that in particular, but I would say you are definitely not the only one. Generally, I think fireworks should be left to the pros. I would be livid if someone let fireworks catch something on fire no matter if someone was in the tent or not. It is pure irresponsibility!

That being said, you can't keep your child from being hurt no matter how hard you try. It would be great if you could ensure your child's safety in every situation, but it is impossible. I pray everyday that God will keep my child safe, and I just have to believe that she is going to be ok.

Well I actually almost caught on fire once at a party with only candle light and at my own wedding my veil caught on fire! But in both cases no one was hurt!! Now both instances are just really funny stories :D I guess what I do is if I think something isn't safe for my son, I just don't let him do it but I don't worry about other people's kids. I have a great friend, she is WAY more laid back about stuff. She does things her way, I do things my way and there you go. I don't tell her about imminent danger and her children and I just keep a good eye on my son, especially when around her and her kids since they tend to have more opportunities to get into trouble! I just have a live and let live attitude. My son is three, we thought about sparklers this year, but decided to wait until he older to even deal with it. At midnight we just went out and watched our neighbors lighting fireworks...from a distance!! I think people are really different and I don't think one way is right or wrong. I have had people try to correct me about how I raise my son and you know what, I could care less. He is not their responsibility, he's mine. I know how bananas he can go on a moment's notice, I know his temperament, they don't, so they can shove it basically. But as far as worrying about the marshmallows etc, I would let that go. People will always have different standards. I have absolutely no problem telling my son he cannot do what another child is doing because life is not about doing what the crowd says is ok, it's about making good choices and using wisdom and that is exactly how we talk to him even at three years of age. Good luck!! Parenting is such an adventure!

.

when my dad was a kid, he had firecrackers in his pocket and a stray spark lit them. The pants were burned into his hip. The scar is horrible and he used it as a teaching point for us to always be careful with fireworks.

That being said, I would have been extremely uncomfortable around a bunch of drunks and fireworks. The bonfire and marshmellows wouldnt have bothered me, or the tree climbing. Those are natural things kids do, especially the tree climbing. You cant wrap them in bubble wrap. But the fireworks.....yikes.

Yes, it is ok to have kids around the fire so long as they understand the rules that they are given and can abide by them and they are supervised. You cannot prevent your child from getting hurt all the time. But I do agree climbing a tree over a cactus is not too bright and I wouldn't let my child do that either. We take our kids camping and be around the fire, help cook, use a jackknife to whiddle. But, all these things have safety rules that we teach them on how to do these things properly, and we always keep an eye on them just in case. Try not to be overly protective and let the kids have fun within the rules that you give them - safety first.

I'm pretty laid back-by conscious effort. More so than most of the other "moms at the park".. It's like, I can see how they could literally break their neck, but I feel I shouldn't hover.
Then, I go to my large extended family's, and I'm like uptight while they let their kids swing over large rivers on rope swings at age 2 by just "holding on" and climbing rusty forts they built high into the trees that no one has ever inspected with only the older kids watching the younger ones. These are vigilant, diligent parents, but they believe play time is freedom time and kids need to feel like no one's watching...(as do I sort of) and out of over 30 kids, many of which are adults now, there have been no more injuries than normal, so I try to relax even more when we're with them.
When I really remember my childhood in the woods in the 70s and the CRAZY daredevil things my brother and I did (and I don't remember my parents around to see it-they worked full time and we were pretty much running wild) -I know I watch my kids pretty well. I feel like even if I hover, something bad could happen, so for some reason I abstain from being too safey-safe. I hope it will give my kids confidence and survival skills on some level but who knows.
That said, the fire and marshmallows would freak me out.

I think you and I might be twins lol. I think JUST like you. I am very, very cautious and I can visualize a potential accident happening. My life experiences have taught me that "freak accidents" can happen to any of us at any time. So naturally I am a very safety oriented mother. What keeps me grounded and balanced is my husband. He is the exact opposite of me, so we balance each other nicely. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone, there is a least one other mother out there like you...me. Good luck!

I just read the book Heart of the Matter. The little boy was at friends house and was burned at a firepit. I have a firepit, i love it. I don't light it until the guests with children are leave. My kids have only been out there a few times. It is more of an adult thing for my husband and i. The few times that we had our kids out there i was a nervous wreak. Kids don't realize how dangerous they can be :( So, i am just like you. Better to be safe then sorry.

I agree with you. We have to be our children keepers. Some people do not have good common sense. Remember common sense is not common. The person that lit the tent on fire sounds like a dumb person. Why are their tents if they are doing fireworks? I am not overly protective but have good common sense and I dont want to say after something happens I wish I would of been watching my kids better. You did the correct thing.

I like Shira's answer, and I think it stems from our experiences with these sorts of things. I also am overly cautious about campfires, and especially fireworks. A friend of mine in high school accidentally caught his shirt on fire lighting fireworks near a bonfire. His arm was burned from fingertips to shoulder. Friends jumped on him and knocked him to the ground to put it out. For two weeks we visited him in the hospital burn unit where we saw many children and young adults suffering from accidental burns. It's was a horrible experience I'll never get out of my mind, and that was 30 years ago!

I don't let my kids do fireworks or sparklers because of this, and I don't care if people think I'm a nut. They really haven't missed out on the experience of a lifetime in my opinion. It's just a stupid sparkler. I do let my kids be around campfires and toast marshmallows, but the parents around me are about as vigilant as I am so that helps. I agree with you, though, that some parents seem not to care about what is going on in situations like that. And I think they just haven't experienced anything like others have to make them super cautious.

you are not alone!!!

You are not alone, I often find my self being the parent watching out for everyone else's kids... You are not being over protective you are being a good mother. It is a parents job to teach their children about dangers and how to stay safe. You don't hand a young child a marshmallow-on-a-stick to put in a fire and let them learn the dangers by catching their clothes on fire or injuring someone else. Parents who don't watch their children are living in the fantasy world of "It won't happen to me". How many parents who have walked outside to find their child floating in the pool wish they had put up a fence or shut the pool gate? How many parents who's children were killed in an auto accident because they were not in a car seat or wearing a seatbelt, which they had made them keep the safety belt on? Letting your child be unsupervised in a dangerous or ever potentially dangerous situation is like letting them play with a loaded gun. Maybe it won't go off and no one will be hurt or killed, but what if it does go off??????
Keep protecting your son and never be afraid of speaking up or removing him from a dangerous situation.