Inconsiderate in Laws?

I don't exactly get along with my in-laws either. My husband's family is very different from mine. They are very distant and just plain cold to eachother. My MIL is much closer with her other DIL than me which also makes thing difficult. I have 2 children (their first grandchildren) and we have the same problem as you. They have NEVER called to talk to my kids (3 and 1) while my parents call every couple days. They see them twice a year for a couple days and that's it. My kids are much closer with my family and don't even know the names of my husband's siblings. I hate the fact that they don't have a relationship with that side of the family since family is so important to me. After spending so much time worrying about it, I've started to just let it be. I don't discourage them from forming a bond with my husband's family of course, but I'm not wasting time trying to get them to change. I know they love my girls even if they're not showing it the way I want them to. I've just put things in their hands. I do my part to involve them in their lives, but I don't force anything. We don't call them, but I email pictures. I've given open invitations to visit, but I don't call over and over to get them to commit to a date. I do stand my ground though. My MIL watched my girls for a couple of days and I made sure she knew what I expected and she does do that much. She lets me raise them the way I want to and doesn't get in the way.

Wish I could help more. Good luck.

D.

Are you the one wanting the relationship? If so stop and if they express interest it has to be when it is convient for you. Don't speak about them in a negetive way to your son. If they are that busy with their life let them be. Some day they will wake up and realize that grandchildren are important but until then go on with your life.

All in-laws live out of state and a handful have visited. My husband is one of seven. We maybe communicate at Christmas but the rest of the year depends on whether we have time.
C. B

my inlaws are the same way. my hubby and i have decided that our immediate family comes first. i am polite and willing to work with the in-laws but we don't bend over backwords for them. for example if my inlaws had shown up at 6:30 we would have told them that our little one was already in his pjs and that since they did not show up at 4 we though they weren't coming. i let my hubby do the talking as they are his parents. we would have been willign to discuss an dalternate idea but none that required keeping our baby up past his bed time. iam sure there are plenty moms on here with this same problem. be polite but don't worry tto much about their opinion of you if they want to see their grand baby they can make the time. it's not you responsibility to make them good grandparents, though it is unfortunate for you little one gl, N.

I have been married for 14 years now. My in-laws walked all over me. And I allowed it for the sake of my kids. They have an awesome relationship with my family and I wanted to give the same opportunity with his family. I had the kids skipping naps, and going to bed two or three hours late. With my 4th baby who is now 14 mo old. From day one I put my foot down. Enough was enough. No more late nights, skipped naps, and if they wanted to see my kids it was on my terms and not theirs. If they were late, it was to bad. I went to the other extreme. And I found more respect, they (after about 6 mo) started to show up on time. The real change started when my little guy was 2 mo old and we went to a party where kids were sick (and we had been promised that all had been called and no one was sick). I sat in the car the entire time and we left early. My husband foot his own foot down and would not allow that ever again. After that, they actual started setting up special time to spend with just my kids before the other parties. They are making more effort to spend time with my kids. Don't get me wrong, it is not all of a sudden perfect. My MIL still will not baby-sit, she "isn't that type of Grandma". She still disregards my "no sugar before dinner" and "no junk toys" rules. But I have learned to put my foot down and she is learning to step up to the grandparent role and be more considerate of me in the "parent role"

Good luck

Don't let them get used to you allowing them to call the shots. Set the guidlines when plans are made, and stick to them. Communicate YOUR plans and needs so that they have the chance (if they decide) to accomidate you.

It sounds like the changes at your wedding weren't actually at their request. ASK them! ("We had planned this thing, but Aunt Sarah suggested you might appreciate this other thing instead. Is that right?")

When arrangements are made, make sure they understand your conditions. "Oh good! 4:00 is perfect because Josh goes to bed at 7:00" When they are late and you can't wait, feed him. (Maybe the whole family.) When they show up at 6:30... "Oh I am so sorry we couldn't wait. Would you like to spend the 1/2 hour before Josh's bedtime here with us, or will you be going out to eat?"

In order to help show you do want them involved, send e-mails and pictures, make phone calls ("I just wanted to share this cute trick Josh started doing" or "Is early teething a trait that runs in your family?"), specifically invite them for whatever occasion. "We are planning to have a picnic on Memorial Day and thought, if you were going to be in the area, you might like to join us."

I'm so sorry, and yes there are lots of us with a similar problem... My in-laws started off kinda rough but we would see them sometimes, eventually my Mother in-law disowned me and when that didn't stop us she disowned our children and now my husband has to pressure her to speak to him! We didn't do anything to ask for this, she is just has a very hard time with other people and rejects before being rejected. Anyway, its been very hard and I sympathise with you. We still keep trying.. but it creates major stress. And yes, sometimes you have to say that time isn't going to work for us because of the babies schedule but can we make a plan for ..... (even though you may be thinking, you would know this if you made an effort to see him more LOL)
Anyway, best wishes and please dont hesitate to send me a personal message if you would like to talk more about this.
S. :)
P.S. It could be that they do want to see your baby they are just busy and have forgot what its like with a little one, and a three hour drive can be tough to plan...
P.P.S Geesh keep thinking of more to add, even with all of this we have tried to always talk really nice about his parents with our children and try to shield them from the facts, however as they get older they are realising its different with Dad's Mom - but they also understand that its a scared thing with Grandma more than a "hate" thing as it may appear.

aaarrggg!!! That is a tough one... you are lucky it is your in-laws. They sound a lot like my own MOM...sorry to say. I can tell you what I had to do with her, and maybe you can get some insight. (?) It does hurt, no matter how hard you try to please, and or try to ignore it, it hurts and it is frustrating. You need to first realize they are who they are, and they will probably not change. You can however, change the way you and your husband react to it. Now that you have a good idea how they are, expect it, and don't expect anything else. Don't hope for "the best" or perfect situations, and then you won't be let down. (this took me a while) And put your family's needs first. You can be kind and polite, but you also need to be upfront as to what your baby needs, and what you need, and if it isn't working, politely exit, or excuse yourself from the situation! You leaving dinner, I feel, was totally acceptable. I would have done the same thing. (and you can do it with grace and style!:) ) I have learned to quit trying to upturn my family unit for those who have issues at every turn, or can't seem to respect our family's "way of doing things or traditions". And to let grandparents have EVERY opportunity to see kids if they are willing to, and if they aren't, they are the ones missing out. Some times we have parents that can't wait to just be out there all by themselves and have time for just themselves (which is fine!) And sometimes they can come across aloof, or like they could care less about whats going on in their kids lives. ( and some COULD care less) Those that don't take part in much of what is going on in their grandkids lives, or their own childrens lives, are missing out, and I have learned that there is nothing you can do. My own girls don't have too much of a relationship with their grandmother, but we do what we can, and when she actually does see them, they really could care less! It is sad, and she gets offended, but it is her own problem. This last year she had made more of an effort, and it is great. But it has taken me years to let go and concentrate on my own "circle". My husband's mom is like YOUR parents. She is there constantly if we ever need anything and she can't wait to see our girls. And they love her. It balances out. Don't try to please them at every turn, and let your hubby know it is okay to feel the way he does, but you both need to concentrate on the little trio you do have!! You would be surprised at how much happier you both will feel. It is hard at first tho. I am 42 and I still want my "mommy" sometimes!! But you can't change them. You may just have to start with the "accepting" part first and go from there....
No need to burn bridges, it sounds like they will do that themselves; especially at this rate...!!! I am sorry, this is frustrating for you I know! Hang in there, be the great mom you were made to be, and it will be okay. Give your hubby lots of support on this one too.
Let us all know how things go..

LT