Please know that this is not a fake post even though it may seem unreal. I promise it is very, very, very real!
So my in-laws were visiting with us last weekend to see my three month old son. While I'm not overly fond of them (especially my MIL) everything was going well. We were all getting along and they were enjoying some grandparent time.
We were all sitting in the living room, my FIL was holding my son and my in-laws were talking about who the baby looked like, how he has long legs, long arms, etc. Then, out of no where, my MIL blurts out "He's got a pretty big d*ck".
No, I am not joking.
I looked at my husband and we both sort of chuckled uncomfortably for a moment before the conversation went on. I thought it was weird/inappropriate that she would just blurt something like that out, but I kind of just shrugged it off as first time grandma excitement with everything about her grandson.
But then...
As we were talking, my LO needed a diaper change. Of course, my MIL jumped right in saying something about how she wanted to enjoy being a grandma. So she got up and went to change his diaper.
They had been in the nursery for about five minutes when I started to get a little worried. I thought maybe he'd had a poo-explosion and need a change of clothes and she didn't know where they were or there weren't any diapers in the changing table, etc.
When I walked into the nursery, I saw the following scene:
My son was laying on the changing table, no diaper but his onesie was pushed up around his chest (for diaper changing purposes, I assume). His grandmother had her phone out taking pictures of his genitals.
And I know she was not taking pictures of his face because she had one hand pushing his feet down while she batted his hands away with the other hand (that was holding the phone) to get a better view. Also, the phone was not pointed at his face.
I blurted out something like: "What are you doing?!"
She sort of jumped and mumbled "Nothing" or something similar and shoved her phone in her pocket. I ended up finishing the diaper change and changing all diapers myself for the rest of the weekend.
So now my question is, how in the heck do I deal with this?
I was so shocked when it happened that my brain didn't really have time to react. I told my husband what happened but he doesn't really seem to believe me/ he thinks its funny. Personally, I feel violated and I feel like she violated my son. While it's one thing to comment on the size, it is another thing entirely to take a picture of a baby's genitals.
I have no idea how to deal with her behavior. I think she knows it was inappropriate just because of the way she reacted when I caught her, but do I call her on it? Or do I just ignore it? Do other grandmothers do things like this?
It wouldn't bother me so much if it had been an after-the-bath-cute-naked-baby picture, but she was deliberately taking pictures of his genitals. I just feel it's inappropriate, but I don't know if I'm over-reacting or not. Help!
Again, this is not a troll post, it really happened.
First, thank you all for your responses. I appreciate all the advice/support I have gotten.
Now, for what happened:
I spent about three days trying to convince my husband that what his mother did was wrong. It was an up-hill battle, as he is a complete momma's boy and (to him) his mother is perfect. In the end, I had to tell him that what his mother had done was approaching (if not actually being) child pornography and that it was NOT okay that she had done it. Finally he started to see the severity of the situation.
So then my in-laws came again for a visit on Saturday. This is unusual, but they were on a trip and stopped to visit on the way out and on the way back. Luckily they were too tired to stay for more than a couple hours on Saturday.
Anyway, I had finally convinced my husband to speak with his mother about her actions. So he and my MIL went into the kitchen for a "private talk", but I stayed close so I could hear their conversation and make sure he made it clear to her it was not okay and that he deleted the pictures.
The conversation started and at first my MIL tried to laugh it off, like it was a joke. She kept saying "It's not a big deal" and "You're making this more than it is". My husband kept telling her he just needed to see her phone to delete the pictures, but she didn't want to give it to him. After he'd asked her for her phone for about 10 minutes she got mad. She tried to make it her word against mine. I heard her say (several times) "How do you know she's telling the truth? Why am I in trouble for this?"
It went on like that for several minutes until my MIL got mad enough to try to leave. She burst out of the kitchen and told my FIL that they were leaving. At that point she still had not given my husband the phone or deleted the pictures. My FIL asked what had happened and why they were leaving so suddenly, and of course my MIL wouldn't say why they were leaving.
I was so fed up with her that I blurted out "Because she has pictures of your grandchild's privates on her phone and she won't delete them."
At that point, I am fairly certain that my MIL wanted to kill me. She was furious. My FIL was extremely shocked and just stared at my MIL. The pressure must have gotten to her, because she snapped out "Fine" and threw (violently I might add) her phone at me.
When I opened her pictures, there were SIXTEEN pictures of my baby's genitals on her phone. Not a one of them showed his face. I deleted all of them. When I was done, I finally asked her why she had taken them/ what she had planned to do with them/ if she had sent them to anyone. She refused to say why she had taken them, but said she hadn't shared them with anyone. I don't necessarily believe her, especially since she refused to say why she had taken the pictures in the first place. I asked several times why she had taken them, but she sat on the couch mute like a toddler-in-trouble.
After they left, my husband was shocked by how his mother had acted. She tried to be so deceptive and I don't think he had really believed that it had happened until he saw her reaction.
So, the photos are now gone from her phone. I hate the fact that I didn't react fast enough to remove them when I caught her and I just hope she was telling the truth about not sharing them.
For those that suggested dementia:
My MIL is only 52, so I don't really think her behavior is a result of dementia. Even if she had early-on set dementia I'm not sure her behavior really fits the dementia category.
More than that, I've thought about this situation for a while now and this is what I can say about my MIL.
She is not an overly crass person, but she does have a sort of raunchy sense of humor. She likes to tell stories about her kids (all boys) when they were little and the stuff they would do that was inappropriate. (Like her middle son having his hand in his pants during an entire Christmas program, or how my FIL was so proud of the size of her eldest son's genitals when he was born, only to then learn that boys genitals are enlarged at birth).
After thinking about some other past situations, I realized she does seem to have a sort of phallic fascination. A few months ago, their dog had puppies. After asking me (a farm kid) how you could tell the difference between boys and girls, she commented on the boy puppies genitals. "They've got big weiners don't they" was her comment to me.
She is also the mother of three boys, so I know that she knows about the enlargement that happens after birth.
The bottom line is: Grandma gets no more time alone with her grandkids.
Again, thanks for all your help.
No you're not overreacting. I would just ask her to delete the photos and move on. I probably would not allow her to watch the baby.
I see it as inappropriate as my FIL wanting to video my child's birth. He felt it was his right as a grandfather and I said I don't give a sh!t, he can't come in. I am a little more modest then that.
I am so sorry this happened to your baby. My mother had Alzheimer's so I'd like to just respond to the folks who mentioned dementia. It is ENTIRELY possible that her behavior is because of dementia. People think it's about memory loss, which it is, to a major degree, but it's also about really bizarre behaviour changes. My mother started getting promiscuous with men who were very interested in what ever money she had. She would race across a busy street against the light and almost got hit on several occasions. This was before diagnosis. This stuff can happen way before memory loss. I thought my mother was insane! Had no idea she was sick! I had to keep my child away from her because she'd do things like sit in an open third floor window with child in arms (think Michael Jackson without a balcony wall) and other things. She mist get tested, your husband and fil must plan this for her. She likely doesn't think there's anything wrong. Her camera must be wiped, because there's no telling what she'd do with the photos. My mom was sick for over 12 years and the behaviour was only the top of the iceberg. Good luck and strength to your family!
Why didn't you grab her phone and delete those pictures? Now she has pictures of your son's genitals on her phone.
You should have done that. You would have for anyone else. Why are you worrying about her feelings when it's your child involved?
I will just bet that your MIL has the beginning of a type of dementia. It will take a long time for it to become really apparent. But meanwhile, she doesn't get to dress, undress, change or be alone with the baby.
You have to delete those pictures. Your husband should have insisted - even grabbed the phone if necessary. If he won't you just say - "You know what? I'm not comfortable with pictures being taken of my child naked. I need to delete those."
My MIL does things that make me feel uncomfortable. I used to let it go, then afterwards wish I'd stood up to her. Stand up to her. It's your child. If your husband won't stand up to his mother on your behalf, you need to have a chat with him once she leaves. He doesn't have to agree with you - he just has to support you.
Good luck and keep us posted
You can't go back and change the moment. You can be your son's advocate and protector from now on. There should be NO time alone between your MIL and son, NO TIME! She has lost all trust and has proven she is unworthy of that bond. If your husband doesn't agree, too bad.
Trust your mommy instincts, they sound very strong and you handled this the best you could under the circumstances. Your child will have no memory of this, but you must keep this woman away from him.
Your MIL violated your baby. What if the roles were reversed and it was your FIL and your baby daughter? Everyone would be screaming that he was a pedophile. Its no different just because she's a woman and the child is a boy. She needs to be reported to the authorities. You need to protect your child. If you choose not to report her, then you need to make sure she is never left alone with your son.
Wow. First of all, I am so sorry to hear that such a situation happened - I cannot imagine what you are experiencing & feeling over your MIL's actions.
I am not involved in law enforcement, but I did find some information online that indicates these types of photographs might fall under "infant pornography", and should be reported & address by authorities.
I realize this may sound like an extreme measure - it's hard to "call the cops" on family members. But the wellbeing of your child needs to come first & foremost.
https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-f...
http://patient.info/health/safeguarding-children
You can contact your local police department & ask for the social services officer to handle this situation. I hope this is resolved without any further incident towards your child. T.
That is crazy and really weird. Are they still visiting? Have your husband ask his mom if he can see her phone to look at her photos. (don't mention the incident at first) Then have him scroll through her photos and delete the genital photos. Then he needs to tell his mom that that was really inappropriate and to never do that again. And for the future grandma does not get alone time with your baby. If she refuses to hand over her phone in the first place then your husband needs to say that taking photos of genitals is wrong and insist that she give him the phone to delete the photos. INSIST.
Updated
That is crazy and really weird. Are they still visiting? Have your husband ask his mom if he can see her phone to look at her photos. (don't mention the incident at first) Then have him scroll through her photos and delete the genital photos. Then he needs to tell his mom that that was really inappropriate and to never do that again. And for the future grandma does not get alone time with your baby. If she refuses to hand over her phone in the first place then your husband needs to say that taking photos of genitals is wrong and insist that she give him the phone to delete the photos. INSIST.
My best friends daughter had her first baby on Thursday. It was a boy. Apparently after all the family got there and they had a diaper change, there was a HUGE (no pun intended) discussion about how big his privates were. No one took a picture to my knowledge, but there was conversation that went on and on about it.
I would have freaked out as well about the pictures. I think now I would ask my husband to talk to his mom and see if she does have pics. If so, he needs to ask for them to be deleted. And then in the future, I would not have her babysitting...ever. JMO. Good luck.
Yikes! My heart goes out to you. You're in a crazy awful situation. First, ignore the comments that you should have grabbed her camera. Sure that'd be ideal, but I would have been just as shocked and frozen as you were.
Doris Day's comment about the beginning stages of dementia, is definitely a possibility. But that doesn't fix your problem. You really should see a family counselor. No matter what you choose to do it's going to effect yours and your husbands life. A counselor can help your husband see the seriousness of the issue and help you work out an action plan with how to address it. One thing is very important - your husband needs to see its a real issue that has to be addressed.
First off, don't blame yourself for not grabbing her phone. I get how the situation was shocking.
And no, you don't ignore it and most grandmothers don't do this. Of course, just being a grandmother doesn't make a woman a saint. So, you need to evaluate: in the past, how has your MIL's language been? Is it frequently coarse, vulgar, inappropriate, or when she said "he has a big ... ", was that a complete shock? You've said you're not overly fond of them, but is that because your MIL frequently uses rude language, or because her meatloaf is always over-seasoned and under-cooked or because she has weird taste in gift-giving? Some people are just accustomed to using un-censored language, and it doesn't matter if they're in a restaurant, or talking about their grandchild, or just conversing with the mail carrier. For others, if they were to say "damn it", the whole world would stop and everyone around them would know something is really seriously wrong. Plates would crash to the floor. Conversation would cease. So, what kind of vocabulary does your MIL routinely have?
You need to communicate with other family members who have babies, whom this lady might visit. You need to warn them. Don't speculate, don't assume anything, simply tell them that your MIL's language about your baby was inappropriate, and that you caught her taking close-ups of his genitals, although you don't know the reason.
Make sure that you're being very clear with your husband. Your baby's genitalia could end up on social media, identifiably posted by his grandmother, and that doesn't go away. Is he ok with that? If she had an old-fashioned Polaroid camera, or one with film, maybe the photo wouldn't see the light of day, but since she has a smartphone with a camera, Facebook and Instagram are right there. When you take a photo, and view it in the gallery, phones often prompt you to "share this" and it's a quick click and it's now out there for everyone to see.
Monitor her internet activity. Ask for her phone and ask to see that the photos were deleted. Be clear and direct with her if no one else will. It's your baby. Call her on it. Don't tiptoe around. If she visits again, and wants to change the diaper, don't say "oh, that's ok, I was going upstairs anyway." Say "NO. Last time you took close-up photos of what should be private, and you're not going to have the opportunity again." Again, don't extrapolate. Don't accuse her of sharing them, unless you have seen them. If you don't know what she did with the photos, don't say "you were probably going to ..." Just state what you saw. Do it firmly but not rudely.
I think you should talk directly to MIL. "MIL, I'm glad you are happy that your grandbaby is going to make some woman very happy in the future with his generous genitals, but taking a picture of them creeped me out a little. Would you mind not doing that in the future?"
You are going to have to learn to be up front with this woman if you haven't already. If she can be so bold as to yell out that your kid has a big d***, then you can be bold enough to call her on it.
You are better than I would have been as I would have grabbed the phone out of her hand and taken my son back into the living room and deleted the pics in front of the whole family.
She doesn't get time with baby as she can been seen as a pervert. FIL may be clues to her actions. Her comments about size of baby's genitals was over the top as well.
Do speak with hubby about this. Good luck to you in the future.
the other S.
I think you should have asked for her phone in the moment it happened and told her you and she were deleting all of the pictures before you left the room.
But I understand due to the shock that simply didn't happen.
Now, unfortunately, you have no control of happens to whatever pictures were taken. Hopefully, she felt "caught" enough to delete them on her own. You could confront her, but it could turn into your word against hers.
You could talk to your father in law if you feel he may be receptive to your concerns and ask that he look through her phone to make sure anything inappropriate is deleted. You could approach him with concern that maybe it is an early symptom of dementia, like others have mentioned. Better would be that your husband talk to his father, but I would probably do it myself if he was in disbelief of thought it was funny.
I think that's really all you can do at this point, but now you know you can't leave him alone with her in the future.
