I'm in a State of Shock....

Updated on January 02, 2009
S.L. asks from Lakeside, CA
4 answers

Last night, about midnight I got a call from my daughter. She told me to wait on the line while she got her sister from California on the line. She said my oldest was on speaker phone and they had something to tell me. My 18 year old daughter is pregnant and I'm going to be a grandma.

I know I so deserve this! I did it at 18, my mother did it at 17, her mother did it at 15! I'd be lying if I said I'm really unhappy. I'm not, at all. I can't WAIT to be a grandma. But this is my baby having a baby! How in the world do I get past the fear that something is going to go wrong?! I can hardly stand the fact that she's driving a car let alone now having to worry about her driving herself and my grandbaby. She was planning on being in college and living in a dorm this fall. That's all out the window. I just can't believe it. We tried SO HARD to raise our kids different. The others are 21 and 24. I thought we were out of the woods on this one.

Oh yeah, she's freaking happy! She's just like me. She's too happy to even know how hard this will be. I suppose in some ways she's lucky. The good old state of Missouri allows me to watch my grandchildren without taking away from my allowed daycare numbers! So no matter how many grand babies I get someday, I can still pay the bills.

S.

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So What Happened?

Grrrrr.... It's already starting. I tried to tell her this morning that she needs to tread lightly with this guy. He hasn't had a chance to even process this info. I don't want him freaking out. And no, they aren't together. I told her that if he chooses to be part of the child's life I want to meet his family. It's a reasonable request! In fact, it's not really a request. If I am going to be an active part of helping her raise this child, providing free daycare, and whatever else they need that I can help with, I have a right to know the other grandparents, if they choose to actively be grandparents. Yeah, I can be a bit opinionated about things like not smoking around a baby, but I'm a reasonable person. I'm not given to drama. I hate drama.

So what does she do? She tells me to stay out of it and not to see the boy or his parents! What a little ungrateful brat. One second she's calling and asking for her fathers social security # because she's on our insurance, she's at the doctor knowing full well that anything not covered will land in our lap if she uses this insurance, and the next second she's warning me that if I want to be part of the child's life I'll respect her to handle all this on her own! I never had any intentions of trying to take over! In fact, I just what what's best for that baby no matter what!

It's gonna be a bit difficult to support someone that wants to pretend she's grown up when obviously she's so NOT that grown up. That last thing I want to do is throw my hands up and tell her to just make her own mistakes. The child needs some experienced people watching out for him/her. I'm going to take some deep breaths and let her sit with this as best I can.

More Answers

A.S.

answers from Kansas City on

For what it's worth one of my really close friends had a baby in college. She was able to stay in school and get her degree. She found an apartment on campus, and still went to school every day. So, being pregnant and having a kid are not reasons to say "it's out the window." It can be done, and has been done by many women.

I do think though that you should probably relax and not make any demands about meeting the father's family and what not. Even though you are going to be providing a lot of support, you are still the grandma, not the parent. Being too demanding and aggressive about all this will only push your daughter away. You have to give her room to let her grow up, you have to trust her and give her the space to make her own decisions.

Just be there for her, love her and give her your support, that's all she needs. Congratulations!

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C.M.

answers from Kansas City on

While she obviously is not in the "ideal" situation, as you pointed out, there are lots of 18 year olds who can handle motherhood without any problems. It is good that she is excited and not freaking out about it. Just keep encouraging her to do the right thing. If she is still with the guy, help them to be a family and make responsible choices. Encourage her to still go to school even if the timing might not be too good. Even though she is your baby, she is not really a baby anymore and she needs to be allowed to make adult choices.

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B.S.

answers from Kansas City on

You know, I'm sure some will disagree with me BUT, I feel like there are 10,000 more things to worry about than this. It's amazing to have a family support system like she does; people there to help her and have her back. She's already going to get a lot of flack from everyone else, and that is going to be overly discouraging, so just be there to build her up and let her know that yes, it will be hard, but it can be done!

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K.B.

answers from Kansas City on

I think it's a natural reaction to be shocked. Of course we want our kids to make better choice than we made growing up and only natural for us moms to dream a certain path for our kids. It doesn't mean they disappoint us when they don't but it's more of "okay" moment and adjustment.

I hope she has a healthy pregnancy and baby.

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