I Don't Want to Sound as Much like a Nag. Any Suggestions?

M., I am not younger but I have a daughter you I was having the same problem with. I finally learned to back off. They are going to make mistakes and big ones, but they have to do it on their own. I never give advice unless it is specifically asked of me. At that time I give my opinion but only on that matter.
Our relationship has gotten so much better over the last 4 years. She is expecting another baby this Spring and now she wants to talk. :)) But even given that she wants to talk I still do not give any advice unless asked.

One question popped into my head as you told of your situation. Is she living with you? That can add to a nagging problem. (Maybe she is not sure whose house it is. You might need to gently remind her.)
I always believe you get someone to listen more if you start from a position of empathy...even if that means you have to wait to calm down so you can really express it. If you start off on an adversarial tone...many times the other party just tunes out or gets defensive. Not effective.
I like the website Love and Logic. It has helpful suggestions for you and your daughter (now that she is a parent) Good Luck!

M.,
I think that Josie had some good advice in putting "I" in the sentence. I am a nag too I'm afraid. I used to always tell her what to do when she had problelms, like at school and with friends. One day she very maturally said to me "Mom, you always tell me what to do, I just need you to listen sometimes." That was an eye opener.
What I have taken to doing is, for example, she is getting in the habit of not doing the dishes after dinner, I would yell and "nag" at her to do them. I was doing it all the time. Now I go to her and ask her what is going on? "You know you have to do them so you have one more shot of doing them without being told and then you loose her phone for the day" She knows she'll be jonesing for text messages and this usually motivates her. She definatly screws it up eventually and I take the phone away. When she tosses a fit I say she is in total control as to whether or not she has it taken away or not. She is choosing to loose the right to have it and usually, with (some glaring) she gives it up. I might, instead, just take away her texting rights for the day but let her keep the phone so I can get in touch with her. Remember, you can check your phone bill to see if she is being honest about it.
The important thing for me to remember to say is that she is control of the situation and she is making the decision as to what happens afterward. I too, however must bight my tongue about nagging her about these things because I know that I also have this tendency.
Good luck, I am curious to see what other moms write.
C.

Hi M.,
It seems that the older the kids are the more difficult it is to "communicate" with them. I understand what you are asking, I have two grown kids, 20 years old and an unofficial adopted 21 year old. I find myself feeling the same way. I originally thought I could say something to help you, but as I am writing this i realize that I am in the same position as you. Maybe you can let me know once you have figured it out.
Good luck, D.

My daughter is 21 and has always been a strong-willed child. She never likes being told what to do. When she is told to do something, her reaction is to rebel. She would wait a while so she could do it on her terms, then forget (or get too tired) so I took it as a complete refusal. I finally learned how to ask, "When do you think you can get the dishes done?" or "Your clothes are piling up on the floor again. What's keeping you so busy? Have you thought of a better plan to keep them off the floor?" My husband says we should not have to work so hard to communicate, but my way is so stress-free and I feel we talk more effectively. When it comes to parenting, you have to let her make her own mistakes. You could offer, "I remember when you (or your cousin, etc.) used to do that." Then just wait for the question, "What did you do?" If it doesn't come, then your advice is not warranted. You could also offer the book, "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" and say, "I found out some things that I messed up on. Maybe this will be helpful to you, too." Then she will see that the book is not a way of saying that she is doing everything wrong.

Good luck!

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nag:
1. To annoy by constant scolding, complaining, or urging.
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Repetition is what makes nagging...nagging. So tone that down and your problem is solved. Believe me, when my mom nags, it's usually something that she's already made crystal clear to me. And I'm an adult with kids!

Say something once, make sure you're heard, and leave it alone. If it's household chores, repetition might be necessary (although removing privileges will carry more weight).

But if you think your daughter should spend more time at home, or put the baby down to bed earlier, or stop dating boys you don't approve of, or take this job, or go to that school.....well, once is enough. And saying it over and over again won't make a bit of difference.

Let your children know that you are there for them by being a good listener and offering advice when it's appropriate. Sometimes they'll listen and sometimes they won't. And sometimes kids just need to discover the consequences of things on their own.

Hang in there, M.. And remember...REALIZING you're a nag is half the battle. ;-)

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Hi, M. -
From your request, I'm assuming that your 19 year old and her son live with you. Not meaning for this to sound too simplistic or mean-spirited, because that's not the way I intend it. That said, your daughter is a grown woman now with a child of her own. You shouldn't be put in a position where nagging is required. She is certainly entitled to be as "unreceptive" to your input as she likes, but she may want to consider doing it when she has her own place to live.
Good luck.

hey M..I must agree with Nancy H.
I'm 18 and have a 6 month old.Your daughter sounds like she has the same problem i do.I don't take what my mom conciders advice very well.I feel i need to learn to do things on my own(everyone raises there children differently).A little help and advice is always good to have, just be careful with how you word things.and you have to respect the decision she makes, even if it is the wrong one.She will learn, it might be the difficult way...but she will learn.
S. B

I don't like to nag as well. At 19 years old, your daughter should have clear consequences for not taking care of things she needs to before you need to remind her.

First, I always remind myself to take into consideration what my kids are doing at the time I ask them to do something. I try to allow them time to change gears without nagging. Sometimes all it takes from me is a little patience and they'll do it when they have switched gears.

Second, I've been trying hard to ask open ended questions like okay, we just finished dinner, what happens next. This gives kids a chance to figure it out on their own and build up a memory rather then just following directions, they will start to realize on their own what to do without me having to remind them a billion times.

Third, consequences after the first time and it doesn't happen within a certain time frame. I think kids get used to nagging and they can tell that there's certain tones that we use at the beginning of our demand that allows them to sit tight until the tone of anger becomes evident. To nip it in the bud, I'd suggest to have a set consequence after the first time you've stated your need. Make sure you follow through!!! If she doesn't clear her dishes in a reasonable amount of time, she cleans the kitchen. Period, no discussion helps stop the arguments.

why do you think you are nagging? is it that you are giving advice? my rule is dont give advice unless it is asked. that has worked very well for me and my boys and theri spouses/ gilrfiends. does she live with you? one good way is when you want to discuss someting dont say "you alwasy or you never" put it on yourself and use "I" messages. like I am feeling like i have to do all the cleaning and i would really aprreciate some help around here, specifically, I want you to do the dishes on mondays and wednesdays. If that doesnt work, then you can do the laundry on tuesdays and thursdays. "

Hi! I am 23 and have a 1 1/2 yr old son. I know what its like to have your mom give you advice ect. Let me just say that i'm sure she knows you mean best at heart. She may not be the most receptive because while she needs your input or a little "by the way" sometimes, she also wants to feel that she can do it on her own. Its a mother trait to want to feel like you can take care of your child with out help. Sometimes you have to just let her figure it out. If you have something important you want to mention to her or if you have been in that situation and simply want to give advice, maybe just ask first "You know, your sister did that same thing when she was 5 or 6 months. This is what I tried." That way its like you are giving advice as a friend, like a 'by the way... and you can take it or leave it, no feelings hurt'. Also, maybe beware of the tone you use when giving advice. There was a time when my son was about 6 weeks and had a real upset stomach but he was just completely unconsolable. He wasnt collicky so we knew it was out of ordinary, but rocking, soothing, singing, feeding, nothing would work. Well my mom says in this tone "I dont knnooooooow" with this face and I totally snapped at her "DONT SAY IT LIKE THAT!!!". I felt horrible for yelling at her but i think she didnt realize that I have never done this before, you have, you are the only mom i have to look up to so for her to say it in that way scared me because i consider her to know more than me about it. So if she is scared, then i am scared, which makes it worse. So its like you have to be there for her when she needs you, and if she needs you to be there without giving advice then do so, let he figure some things out on her own. But know that even if she doesnt say so, she does appreciate you and take into consideration what you have to say. Hope that helped!!