"I Don't Love You Anymore"

This is a phase. Very normal. And, keep in mind that he really doesn't understand what he is saying. Age 3.5 is when they try to test their manipulation skills, test how they can affect things by their words and behavior.

When my daughter said it to me, my response was always the same:

"oh, well that makes mommy sad. But I still love you. I will always love you, no matter what you say or what you do. Love is stronger than anger. Its ok to be angry or frustrated sometimes. Anger happens, but it never stops love."

Well, here's to you, Mrs. R., your baby loves you more than you will know.......
Don't make me sing it for you.....

Every kid I've ever known has done this, including my own.

When your cherub says he doesn't love you, you simply tell him that it's okay, because you have enough love for both of you. He doesn't get what he wants, but you can still love each other.
If you don't already have it, get and read "The Runaway Bunny" by Margaret Wise Brown.
Read it with your son every night before bed.

Your son loves you and his daddy. Don't doubt it.
Don't cave to his angelic, heart-melting threats of displeasure with you.

Your love is powerful, no matter what he says and he needs to know that.

You'll be fine.
Best wishes.

Welcome to toddler-hood! :-) Yep, "I don't love you" "I hate you".... I don't get this very often, but my response is usually something along the lines of "well, I will always love YOU no matter what, even when I'm angry, even when you're angry. What are you angry about?" then "Oh, well, I'm sorry XX (happened, didn't go well, etc.). It's OK to be angry about that. I still love you" and then try to figure out a way to wrap up with something positive.

I think it's great your son was able to verbalize his thought process so clearly. You might want to explain that it's possible to still love someone even when angry with that person. He'll need to be reminded of that repeatedly, by the way!

Also, it's OK for him to be angry he didn't get what he wanted. Don't we all feel that way sometimes? :-)

You'll all figure it out. Just remember that OF COURSE he still loves you!

Best to all of you
C.

It doesn't come from TV (we don't have one), or other people. It is pretty normal for kids to say, because they are still constructing views of how the world and relationships work.

In the example you posted, I see an opportunity to build your son's expressive vocabulary. Perhaps a response like, "You sound like you were really disappointed to not get anything special at the store today. I know that must frustrate you, and I see you feel very angry about it. I want you to know that even when we are mad and disappointed, we can still love each other."

So look at it as a way to continue to expand his perceptions, and you will be just fine. I know that it can hurt to hear it, but now you can let it go and build up from the experience. And I just wanted to point out that even though your son knows you don't always have the money for a special treat, it doesn't mean that he is not entitled to an emotional reaction about it. (The same as you know he doesn't understand the extent of his words, but you are also entitled to your emotional response upon hearing them) So a little empathy goes a long way:)

Three year olds say silly things like that all the time. It doesn't mean anything, and you and your husband are taking it way too seriously.

I'd say something like: "Yes, it's sad when you can't have what you want at the store." And then I'd say, "But I still love you anyway."

There is nothing you need to do about this. He's a normal, happy three year old, who definitely should NOT get everything he wants at a store. If you bought him everything he wanted, now THAT would be a problem.

To tell a child that a message like that makes Mommy or Daddy very sad (or if it actually makes you cry) gives him exactly the reaction he hopes for. He scored! He feels bad (and in that particular moment, he may really believe he doesn't love you), and he wants you to feel as bad as he does, so a reaction like that may be briefly gratifying, and he'll do it again, hoping for the same result.

And/or he senses that if he threatens you with loss of love, you might never again do the thing that so displeased him. (If it works in this situation, it might work for other things, too, so be careful not to give him that mistaken sense that he has the power to manipulate you.)

There's another danger hidden in that response from you or his father, too. Toddlers are not, and should not be, responsible for their parents' feelings. Telling him he "made you feel" sad is manipulative, but his basic anger or unhappiness in the moment is not going to change. If the feedback he gets is "You hurt me!" then he may develop a complicating layer of guilt. Or if a parent responded with "Okay, you brat, then I don't love you either!" then he may add a confused layer of fear.

Neither of these manipulations actually accomplish what the parent wants, which is a child who adores and appreciates them all the time. The reality of it is, he does love you all the time, but sometimes he simply doesn't have as much access to the love as to the feeling of disappointment, anger, or other negative feeling that's right in his face.

The healthist response, that won't jeopardize his bonding with you, is to simply acknowledge his feeling but don't give it any power. You might answer, "Sure, sweetheart, you feel angry right now. And I love you ALL the time." The whole thing will pass quickly, and each time he gets this calm and loving response, he's a little less likely to try emotional blackmail on you in the future.

I think this is normal for this age, or at least I hope it is! My son told me a couple weeks ago that he wished someone else was his mommy. That devastated me because we have really been struggling with his behavior lately and I'm trying SO hard to handle it well. I really think that this is just a manipulation tactic, in order to get you to give in to them in some way. I know it hurts though, but try not to let it affect you. They really don't mean it, they are just doing what they can to "get to you". This is such a hard age! I'm right there with ya :)

I'm sorry - it won't be the last time you hear those words....it's tough! It breaks your heart in two....

At his age, he is testing his boundaries as well as what words can do. he's learned that words can hurt. Your husband handled it right by saying that he is hurt - asking questions and not getting nasty.

My kids?! Oh my - I've heard - YOU ARE THE WORST MOMMY EVER EVER EVER!!! I HATE YOU!!! DO NOT TALK TO ME!!! I HATE YOU! I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANY MORE....when I hear I'm the worst ever - I know I'm doing my job right. I've told my kids MANY times - I DO NOT LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW - I love you, but I don't always have to like you! Mine don't say these things during tantrums either - as they know I don't "DO" tantrums and it will NOT get them ANYWHERE but trouble....

You are TOTALLY allowed to be hurt by this. You need to let him know that just because he didn't get his way it doesn't mean you don't love him anymore....it's hard for them to understand....just keep reinforcing the rules, keeping the boundaries set and staying the course....it's hard but you CAN DO IT.

It also sounds like he feels "entitled" to something special when you go to the store.

.

Okay, first thing is that this is NORMAL for him to say. Completely normal. He wouldn't need to hear it or see it elsewhere to learn it. Every single child on the planet says this to their parents at some point. What's happening is that he's feeling disappointed and he really is angry, but is expressing it the only way he knows how. It's NOT manipulation. He's only three years old. Don't assign adult motivations and attitudes to a toddler's immature language and response.

When I hear it from my children my response is always, "You hate me? Then I must be doing something right." "But Mommy I said I HATE you." "I heard you. I love you anyway."

The only part of your post that "bothers" me is that your son has decided that if he doesn't receive gifts then that must mean he's not loved. Obviously he must not believe that all the time, but he needs to be given the language that not receiving a gift is all right to be disappointed about, but he's not always going to receive gifts. Gifts are for special occasions, birthdays, and holidays. Sometimes there's a "just because" gift but those will be surprises.

You can tell him that it's appropriate to say that he's disappointed and even angry. I wouldn't tell him that he's wrong to say that he hates Daddy, because that's what he felt in the moment, but let him work out that there are better responses. Try to refrain from using the word "hate" in your own daily language if you can and if you "catch yourself" using the word in front of him, correct yourself and say, "Oops, Mommy said 'hate.' I don't like that word and we shouldn't use that word in this house. I should have said ___."

I think all children do this at some point. When my daughter did it to me I said "That's ok, I still love you even when you are mad at me, when you don't behave, when you are sleeping, when you are happy, when you are sad. I never stop loving you. I love you always. Don't let him see any emotion from you. Just be very secure in telling him how much you love him. Just a phase...

My son told me he hated me. My response was, "That's okay, but I still love you." I said that any time he said he didn't love me, or that he hated me. Same thing if he said he didn't like me. I'd just tell him I still liked him. I'm not sure my son ever said anything like that to my husband, but he did tell him he was mad at him. And my husband just told him it was okay to be mad.

When kids say that they don't really mean it. I think as long as you follow it up with something positive, like you still love them, that it can be okay. Turn a negative into a positive and teach your kiddo that it's okay to express themselves, just teach the appropriate way of doing it.

I really wouldn't worry about it.

Have you ever heard the saying, "actions speak louder than words?" Well it's true.

Our kids are developing their language right now. They are discovering how to articulate their thoughts, WHILE they are discovering what their thoughts are, why they are, and what they mean. They haven't understood a word's context or value, or it's full definition.

Their feelings are raw, and overwhelming. They don't yet fully understood how to react to their emotions, nor what their emotions mean.

Take for example how a younger child will refer to all animals as either a dog, or a snake. The cat is a dog, the fish is a snake, the goat is a dog and a lizard is a snake. Everything is either a truck or a mommy. It's not because those things are true, it's because their associations of words are still developing. Likewise, a sad confused child will often behave angrily, because they don't know how to express their feeling, they don't know how to be heard, their frustrated and overwhelmed about the feeling itself, etc. So a doll gets taken away from one child by another child, and the child hits/screams at/pushes/etc. the offender.

They are also gaging reactions.

They are learning to be grownups. We are teaching them how to be adults. But they are still kids.

My children (almost three, just turned four) have said this. For example, my niece (when she first came to live with us) would say, "I don't love you, I love my mommy!" What she meant, was, "I'm angry that my mommy is gone. I blame you, because and I'm confused and scared. I miss my mommy. Why is my mommy gone?" But she doesn't yet know that those are her feelings, nor how to express them. Because she was three years old, not 30 years old.

I responded, "You can love your Mommy and me. I love your mommy and I miss her too. I feel sad when you say you don't love me, but I love you and I will no matter what. I hear you feel angry. You get to be angry. You don't get to be mean to (my daughter's name) or me because you are angry. You can ask for a hug and you can talk to me, if you'd like."

It took about a month, and then she stopped saying it. (we implemented many more techniques, and time ins (not outs), and based discipline around positive reinforcement alone. because the root of her anger and behavioral issues was deep trauma and grief. It was necessary to become more permissive while she regressed/healed - sort of a building back up again).

My daughter just said this a few days ago. She was upset because I told them we were done reading bedtime stories. She said, "me no love you mommy." What she meant was, "I am upset with you because I want to read more, and you are telling me no. I feel powerless." Here, I said, " (insert name), saying that is hurtful. I know that you love me, and saying that you don't, because you are frustrated, is not okay. You are allowed to be frustrated, but you are not allowed to treat me poorly." She said, "Okay mommy. I sorry."

And that was that.

In all situations, it's helpful to name their feelings for them, because they learn how to recognize their emotions and how to express them. "I see you feel sad when the dog popped your balloon," or, "I hear you feel angry when ____ ran into you," etc.

He's just learning language and what it means. He's not ACTUALLY meaning that he doesn't love his daddy. I know it's rough to hear, but try not to take it too seriously.

Kids do not really know the definition of love at that age. They only say that because they arent happy at the moment and the phrase always gets a bunch of attention from thin skinned parents. When they say "I dont love you", you just come back with "Well, I LOVE YOU!!!" and you grab them and hug them and kiss their face and act all goofy. It's just a phase and basically is used because their vocabulary isnt mature enough to say what they really want to say. They don't mean it when they say it because they don't really know what it means, so don't feel bad. Be glad that your child is speaking out and not internalizing frustration instead.

I think all kids say this at some point. My son used to say this when he didn't want to do what I was telling him to do. You can't take it personally- they know it pushes your buttons, and of course, they don't mean it. I just tell him "You don't have to love me. But you still have to do what I say..." Or I'll say "That's ok. Daddy loves me and so does your sister". Then I'll go hug his dad or sister. That usually changes his tune very quickly.

Funny---the first time my eldest held my face, looked me in the eye, and said "I love you" I cried a little. The first time he told me he didn't love me, I cried then too. But only the first times. This was my first child and I wasn't prepared for those. :P
He's already told you what "not loving you" means: he's mad at you. That is all. He's also said that if you're mad at him, you don't love him. So I would start there. When everything is normal and nothing is wrong, I would hug him and say "I love you so much! Do you know why?" and then tell him things that you love about him: character traits AND just the fact that he is your son and will always be your son. Tell him the story of when you found out you were going to have a baby (him), OR the first time you saw him, make it kinda funny, but let him know that you love him because you are family and that will never change. Then you can say when we're happy with you, we love you, but even when we sometimes get unhappy or mad, on the inside, even though we're not happy, we will still always love you. Because no matter what, you are our boy and we are your mom and dad. And that is more important than anything you do, because it is forever. I have a phrase I've told both boys since that time: "I love you with ALLLL my heart, forever and ever, no matter what". My guy has a temper and went through a phase where he'd say "I don't wike you mommy!" and I'd say "That's ok, you don't have to wike me (I had to say wike to give myself a little humor boost, otherwise it's draining)---I'm still your mom and I love you with all my heart..." and he will finish the phrase with me "forever and ever no matter what". Then we hug, and go on with what we were doing (including a time out or bedtime, if that's why he said it). He hasn't said that in about 9 months now. But in November he changed it to "YOURE NOT MY FRIEND!" and I said very calmly, "That's ok-I am not your friend. I am your mom, and I love you with all my heart". He hasn't said that since, I think that was something he heard at school and just wanted to try out.

It might help you if you looked on this sort of behavior as a game. You're right that your boy doesn't even know what it means not to love his mother and father.

So why is he saying it? To get attention, and to get a rise out of Mama and Daddy - possibly in revenge (he doesn't know the meaning of that word, either - it's my word) for not getting what he wanted. He's probably strong-willed (most kids are, at least part of the time) and he just has to have the last word.

Your long-run job is to teach him how to respond appropriately when he fails to get what he wants. But since people often take a lifetime to learn that, you can start with baby steps.

If he says, "I don't love you,' you can respond, with good humor, "Well, I love YOU! I even love you when I don't get you anything special at the store!" Then start to tickle him, or do something else that might make him smile. You want to reinforce that you really do love him, that you're in charge, and that you're not going to play that game except by your rules.

There will be a lot more of this stuff coming. This is the time to practice YOUR game plan.

Oh yeah! Mine was younger than that! Madisyn gets mad and her thing is" your not my friend anymore". I just say ok and go bout my business. When she gets over it she apologizes and we talk about it. Wow! Its not like he's a influenced damaged kid! He's a baby! If your like me you tell him you love him constantly so that's what he hears! What's funny though, madi told my sister that one day and she told me I used to say the same exact thing!

You tell him that just because daddy didnt buy him anything doesnt mean he should be mad at him. And just because someone gets mad at a person it doesnt mean they dont love them. And be sure to tell him that you and daddy still love him no matter what but sometimes you might be mad about something he has done. But you still love him. Hes just trying out new stuff.

You know, they say babies around 9 months of age learn the ways of manipulation. I know this feels crappy. Sounds like you have a smart little boy (maybe too much so for his own good). Mine is almost 5 and the same exact way. He knows how to push those buttons. Think about it, why would he say that? Because he wanted toys and didn't want to nap? He can't pay the bills or do the adult stuff that we all do to show our devotion to the family. All kids can really give us for a long time, is their love. When we don't give them what they want, they threaten to pull it away. Of course they won't, (but no harm in making Mommy think I will, bet they'll do what I want then!)
Be happy. Sounds like you have quite a smart little man under your roof. But, stick to your guns!

y.

Did you correct your son's thinking? Buying things for someone does NOT equal love. Did you express all the ways Daddy shows his love? This child has a skewed idea of what love is, and it is up to you and your husband to explain it to him. This is not normal. This is not something that is expected at some point. My children have never said such a thing. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. I'm just trying to show you that your logic that this time would be coming is not right thinking. What did your husband say or do? He needs to show his love to your son by hugs and snuggles and words. I can't comprehend where a 3 year old would even come up with something like that. TV? Do you joke around with your husband about that? I'm just trying to figure it out. Just reassure him of your love (and Daddy's), and teach him the proper meaning of love. You have lots of time to teach him, and he will understand. Don't expect him to say that to you at some point. Spend the years showing and teaching him the truth. Blessings to you!

wow, I have never heard of a child saying that, maybe as a teenager they say, "i hate you!" but never this young and never with the words you say above. I would sit him down and explain LOVE, explain how love is always there and buying things does not have anything to do with 'love'. You must have a serious talk with him in 3 yr old language that you will always love him and that he will always love you. Tell him how it makes you sad for him to say that, that it hurts daddy's feelings. He should not be using these words, thoughts, or feelings, to get something special each day. he surely should not be wanting something at the store either at this age. Explain to him that you are raising him to be a sweet little boy and he has to learn that he does not get 'things' just b/c you go to the store. Start using each shopping trip as a learning lesson for him. Tell him that it is ok to be mad at daddy but it is not ok to tell daddy you do not love him. I would talk about it for the next few days until it sinks in. Good luck

Children don't necessarily know how to identify the emotions they are feeling. If he is disappointed about not getting something at the store, you can help him identify that and teach him that emotions are acceptable by acknowledging he is upset and by asking open ended questions. So you could say. It sounds like you are upset with daddy, what happened to make you feel you don't love him anymore/He didn't buy me anything at the store/ what did you see at the store that you wanted/ fruit treats/ Oh, those are super yummy/ that's what I wanted!/ I can see why you would want them, they are so good. It is disappointing when we can't buy everything we want. I saw a dress the other day I really wanted but I couldn't afford to buy it and I felt disappointed, too. Then say i know you're disappointed but I'm pretty sure you still love daddy. Wouldn't you love to play a game/be tickled/read a book with Daddy right now? So listen, empathize, validate the feeling, identify the emotion and transition to appropriate reaction. It isn't personal. It's really no different than seeing the color purple for the first time and calling it blue or pink. If that happened, wouldn't you show him pink and show him blue, and remark on why purple is different but you can see that purple looks close to both pink and blue in some ways? He's feeling something so you help him identify it while accepting that he has feelings. Try not to focus on the words, but rather see it as he is trying to "name" something he is feeling.

Oh my goodness, that is so normal. Kids don't get what they want or they are mad and they tell the parent they don't love them anymore. They do not mean anything by it more than at the time they said it.

When my son says he doesn't love me anymore, I say back to him "I know, I love you anyway" and sometime he rebuts by saying "No you don't", and I calmly and wonderfully respond "Of course I do"...then go about my business, ignoring him. Next couple minutes after that, he loves me and forgets about it.

I think you and your husband are taking it too personally.