Here goes.. 23 years ago I had a very brief affair with a man that was much older than me. I didn't know he was married until I found out I was pregnant. I told the man that I didn't want or need anything from him. I was later married and was always honest with my daughter about her true paternity. My husband raised her as his own.
I have looked for this man off and on thinking that my daughter deserves to know about her family that is out there somewhere. But I lost touch early on and long before the internet.
Today I think I may have found the man. I found a name address and phone # for a man that is reported to be the exact same age as the man I had seen. I called the # and heard his voice. It's just that 22.5 years ago is a very long time ago and I really don't know if this is him. I do believe that it is for a few reasons. This man is a business man as was her biological father. This man uses his full name on his answering machine just like her father did. The name is extremely uncommon and there would be no reason for 2 separate gentlemen of the same age to use their full name including the middle name.
I called twice and I did not leave a message. When or if I get him on the phone how do I handle it? What would you say? Do I just blurt it out? Do I sent him a picture and a letter instead? Do I send a picture of her as a very young girl with me when I would have looked the way he would remember?
I called my daughter and she said she really would like to have the chance to get to know him. She's a grown up girl with a job and a boyfriend and a life of her own. We aren't looking for money but the man may be afraid to tell the truth.
I really don't know how to proceed.
S.
I've received an email saying the delivery company will hand deliver my letter and pictures within the hour. That was more than an hour ago. So he must have it by now. I sure wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling.
S.
I wouldn't do the proceeding yourself but instead maybe have your daughter write a letter and mail it to him with her contact info and a few old and new pictures.
This will allow him to think it over instead of being caught off guard on the phone and your daughter not feeling rejected if that was to happen.
I completely agree with Kristina (response below). If this is something your daughter wants, then help her undertake the first contact through a letter. If you are doing this for yourself, then you can write the letter yourself. It might be a bit of a shock to announce yourself out of the blue on a phone message. Maybe he wasn't so honest with his family and you might be creating a potentially awkward situation.
Good luck, Suzi!
At the end of October I went through something very similar to this. Fifteen years ago I was with a man just once and got pregnant, I felt horrible because he was married. I kept my mouth shut and went on with my life and married a man that knew the truth but choose to raise my son as his own. At the end of October I came into contact with the man I had a one night stand with, he is now divorced and said that he saw me a few months after our night together and saw that I was pregnant and asked was my son his. I told him I wasn't 100% sure so we had a DNA test that said he wasn't my ex-husbands so I knew this man was the only other one I had been with. We told my son(who is 14) the truth the first of Nov., it broke my heart to hurt him, but I had kept it a secret long enough and like you thought he deserved to know his other family if he wanted to. Since then this man and I have been dating and we are just taking it very slow letting my son do this at his own pace. He loves his dad that raised him and at this point is not looking to have another father, but he is getting to know him and really likes him alot and likes having him around. I agree with the other statements with your daughter being older I think it is best to let her reach out, just be there for her no matter what the out come is because she will need you.
I did not meet my biological father until I was 18, and I actually talked to my grandfather first. He was shocked as all get out!!!!! I would highly suggest contacting him through a letter first! It was very difficult to find out that my father wanted nothing to do with me the hard way! Your daughter is a bit older, but it would still be tough I believe. At least with a letter she just knows what his feelings are rather than having to hear him say something like "I did not contact you for a reason". That was not very easy to take. No matter what make sure that she knows that your husband loves her, and will be her father no matter what. And make sure that she knows that she has his support! Good luck! I hope that it turns out better then my father search did
