How Would You Handle This? - San Pablo,CA

I agree with Rose . . . just tell her you know about it and get her going on it.

I don't like to "test" children or try to catch them in a mistake. I hated when my parents did that. It implies that the child is inherently bad.

When I would procrastinate as a kid it had nothing to do with trying to deceive my parents or anyone else. Many times I would simply forget by the time I got home. And then later I would feel guilty for forgetting - try to avoid the emotion by putting the assignment out of my mind - and then deal with the blow-up my mom had when she had to run me to the drug store at the last minute for some poster board.

I managed to do very well in high school, college and grad school - so try not to worry. To this day I have an issue with procrastination but I've always been able to manage it. Let her handle the natural consequences of her actions and she will figure it out.

Good luck.

Tell her that you know she has a project due on the 18th and when was she going to tell you about it? I would ask her what her plan is and how she was going to implement it and how the last minute would not fly. The consequence might be that she has to work on the project first and not get to do anything fun until she's done half an hour or whatever on the project for the day or the project is done.

Hey, I'm in the same school system as Wild Woman, and it is indeed a huge help to have (1) a daily planner book and (2) an online system where teachers post assignments. You need to get on top of whether your GD has a planner (if the school does not assign one you need to make one and check it with her every single day. Let me say it again: Every. Single. Day. Consistently. Including Friday after school for weekend homework!

She must, must write every assignment down. If the school does not assign her a planner and you make your own, you may need to talk with her main teacher about looking at the planner daily (for a while, not forever) to see that she is writing things down, but you also must make it the priority to sit down and say, "OK, what is on your planner for tonight" AND "What is due tomorrow, the next day, Friday, next Monday" and so on. Long-term thinking!

Blackboard and other online systems are great but only if teachers actually do post everything that's assigned. If not, you need to learn which teachers use the system consistently and which just don't, so you can remember to check in: "Sally, you know that Mrs. X doesn't tend to post assignments on Blackboard, so it's extra important to have her assignments in your own book."

Get her a good, big calendar with large boxes for each day, one that shows the whole month on a single page, and have her create her own deadlines for longer-term things so she can SEE them. Put it somewhere prominent and be sure that she knows you check it too, every day.

Sally needs to be increasingly responsible for knowing what she has due, but for a time, it is perfectly OK (and not being a "helicopter parent"!) for you to help her LEARN to be organized and think long-term. It really is OK, because kids have to be taught to get themselves organized for school - they don't come out of the womb knowing that "If I have something due for history two weeks from today, I can do parts 1 and 2 of it by Monday and then part 3 next week but only after the math test is over with on Wednesday..." Some parents insist that kids must sink or swim, take the consequences, learn from mistakes, etc. and that's true-- to a degree. But kids are just not able to teach themselves organization and it's fine to help her see why it does not work to wait until the last minute to do things. Forget the grade aspect -- the stress alone is horrid if she makes waiting into a habit.

To answer the specific questions -- I would not wait to say something to her; I would not give a consequence for not telling you but would be clear that the consequence is going to be a bad grade and she needs to get to work, now. Did you tell hear earlier, very clearly, "If you do not tell me about an assignment the very same day it is assigned, you will have a consequence?" If not -- why should she get one?

I think you are perhaps overly focused on consequences for not telling you, when the focus needs to shift instead to teaching her the steps she must take, every day, to be sure she has all assignments written down and to check those with you every single day. You will have to check in with her -- without nagging -- but reminding her that she must look not just at "what homework is due tomorrow" but at reducing longer-term projects etc. to tasks she spreads out over time.

Although she's 11 she might not have a good concept of how long something takes to get done because you've made sure (no matter how much you have to scramble ) that her project is done. Does she have an agenda to write in assignments and when they are due? Does she have a notebook to keep track of this stuff or a folder where she can put assigned work into it and pencil the due date at the top?

I've had a couple very disorganized children and found that giving them the tools to keep them on track helped a lot in making sure we weren't rushing around last minute to get things done.

Now as far as this situation I'd let your GD know that the teacher told you about the project and you were concerned that GD hadn't told you herself as soon as if was assigned. I would not punish for this sort of thing. Instead I'd have her sit down and plan out what she was going to do, put together a list of supplies needed, and create a timeline for getting it finished.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to show love and offer guidance instead of jumping to anger and punishment.

Too often we blame our children for procrastinating, punish them, and all around make them feel bad, and the whole time we have also failed to teach them exactly how not to procrastinate.

Teachers and parents need to shift the way they look at projects and stop assuming a child knows how to schedule their time and to break down a project into manageable pieces. We are failing our children by assuming they know something they haven't ever been taught.

Teach your granddaughter how to create a timetable and how to create small steps that need to be taken and in what order to take them. Show her how to develop a plan of action consisting of easy to accomplish pieces for each day leading up to the project due date. Create a chart, timeline, checklist, or any other visual support to help her track her progress. It is so important to shift your focus from failure and punishment to support, teaching, and accomplishment.

By the 6th grade, I no longer monitired my daughter's assignments. Her homework was HER reseponsibility to keep up with, not mine. If she needed supplies for a project, and didn't tell me until five minutes before the craft store closed the night before the project was due, then she just had to take the 0 for the project. The natural consequence was sufficient without the need for ny additional ones from me.

You have made some steps in helping your girl by asking the teacher to contact you. I really like what the previous posters had to say.

If it were me, I'd just bring it up conversationally. "So, lets talk about the weekend. Your teacher tells me that you have a project that's due in a couple weeks, and I want to make sure you get it done on time." Then, proceed as MyMission suggested: have *her* break down what she wants to do, what sort of materials she will need, etc. Be considerate in offering help, but certainly don't do it for her.

You know, instead of a stick, this might be something where a carrot would be more helpful. Since, with your intervention, you are removing the logical consequence of her not doing the project and simply getting the F that would deserve, I would go the route of rewarding her when she *does* tell you about her assignments on time. If it were me, I would not offer the reward as an incentive ahead of time ("If you do this, then you can have X" sort of bribe, as it were) but just spontaneously surprise her. "I know you've had trouble remembering to tell me about projects on your own, and I was so pleased that you made an effort to remember this time."-- then, do something fun and special with her. Take her out for cocoa with you or something else which might be special-- let her pick out a movie at the Redbox and have a girl's night with popcorn on the couch. Something small but a little 'treat' to show her that you value her effort. I know it's tempting to want to punish her for disappointing you this time, but I think it's better to help her find a way to 'buy into' why telling you right away is worthwhile. You can also point out later, when the project is done-- "see, we have this time to play a game/do something fun" because your project is done already." Point out the benefits.

That was par for the course for my youngest. And really, a lot of families I know. I would not punish her myself. It will not help to get her organized or get the project done. This is a teaching moment, not a punishment one, yet.

If you have a big calendar, I would sit down with her and mark the due date.
Then ask her about her plan. Then the supplies to work her plan. There needs to be a date to get those supplies. Then a due date for getting all information gathered. Then back the finish date up two days to allow for last min changes. I'm sure the teacher might allow time to work some on it during class.

Maybe, just maybe, she will understand you are serious about these projects. But you don't want her to dread the project so much she procrastinates even more. You want to give her the tools to police herself.

In our schools all students have agendas. Students are to write homework assignments in the agenda each day and parents are to sign the agendas each night. Teachers have also started using classroom blogs to communicate about homework assignments and class projects. I would purchase an agenda or day planner for your gd and show her how to use it, as well as talk to the teachers about communication. Let them know that this has been an ongoing issue and see if they are willing to work with you and your gd about it. Consequences are fine, but it sounds like it would be more useful to provide her with the tools and the skills she needs to get organized and stay on top of her assignments.

I would just bring it up and get her going on it.

Her natural consequences would be that she doesn't get it done and she gets a bad grade. THEN she'd learn that she has to plan ahead and get stuff done.

I guess my question is this, does she need you standing there telling her to do it and you doing it for her if she isn't working on it at the right time?

That's a common thing we can get in the habit of doing for them. She is in 6th grade, not 2nd or 3rd. She is responsible for doing her work and asking for help if she can't figure out how to do it herself.

I think you need to let it go. Let her learn the natural consequences. It's so much better on you. When you say "Gosh, I sounds sad, you got an "F". Wow, sounds like you need to manage your time better. Would a calendar over your desk help you to organize your time better?".

My son is in first grade, and he knows that if he doesn't do something correctly or on time, it's on him, not Mommy or Daddy. He's learning to take responsibility for his own actions.

However, I would've brought it up immediately, then let it go. If she chose to wait until the 11th hour, however, I would tell her, "I'm sorry, but I don't have time to get xxx. You need to give me more warning next time." In the end, she's going to have to learn time management, and I think she's old enough that it should be a priority.

Both of my boys have daily planners that they write all their assignments in. They know what they have to do, and they know when it needs to be done. I also make it clear that if they need supplies for a project, they need to come to me and ask so we can go buy them.

Aside from that, I don't care if they never tell me that they have a project due because it's not my project, it's theirs. They know that if they get a poor grade, for whatever reason, there will be consequences that make their lives suck and they'll still end up having to do the work...so they'd best get their stuff done without me nagging them.

What can you do to help your grandaughter choose to be responsible for her schoolwork? The problem isn't her not telling you, it's her not doing the work.

I would lead by example: I would buy a calender -- large one....Put your activities and hers.
Ask her each week if she has a project or any plans...etc.....

P.S. my husband also forgets to tell me things :)

Angela's giving you good advice here.

Doesn't your school district have a website with grades, assignments and weekly updates?

C.,

Contact the school and find out if they have an on-line system like we do - it's called BLACKBOARD - and it allows teachers to post classwork on-line and gives when it is due, etc.

We have it in ALL of our schools - elementary through high school.

Our schools also give the kids DAP's - daily activity planners - and in our elementary school the teachers check it to make sure the kids are writing in it and parents initialing.

If they don't have one of those - I would go to Office Depot or Staples and purchase a 30-day calendar for her and tell her ALL of her projects MUST be listed in the book. If not - she will be deducted allowance or whatever will work for her.

Good luck!