Me, my daughter and son in law just recently went to North Carolina to visit my x father-in-law, He lives way out in the boonies...no joke...you may catch a glimpse of the rural route mailman if you watch out the window around 11:30. Upon arriving....sitting on the kitchen table was the biggest meat loaf I have ever seen...it was kinda falling apart and it was lukewarm to the touch. OmGosh...when he said it was deer meat...we 3 just cringed. The meat grinder was still sitting on the counter and it was full of white mildew. Needless to say we were starving. The kitchen floor crunched when you walked across it. And to top it off....he was using his pocket knife to slice tomatoes...the same one I have seen him clean his fingernails with many times before.
That was just part of it. When we went to turn down the bed there was mice dropping all inbetween the sheets. When sitting in the living room after dinner...a mouse ran out...obviously poisioned and it just ran around in circles...you can imagine me and my daughter.
We kept our composure throughout the night...it was very difficult to say the least. Sure, he has been a batchalor since I was a young woman. And he did give it his best shot to make us at home. He in no way at all new how uncomfortable we were. But the visit ended up being great...we don't get that way hardly ever...but we do keep in touch. How would you have endured the night? And then I'll let you know what we did in my SWH. It's no huge deal....but we may be returing again this summer. Thanks...oh...and we know we will have to keep snacks this time in the car.
I know some men who will live like this if we let them. My advice hire a cleaning lady for him. Even if she only comes in once a month things will improve. Maybe if you find a sweet patient lady to clean for him she can show him how to keep his kitchen clean and get rid of the critters.
He sounds like a sweet man who simply doesn't know how to clean or what cleanliness standards should be.
he made the effort....& that's what counts. Fill up on food before you go, take a cooler with you & provide the next meal. :)
But honestly, because of my allergies, I would have been sick as a dog!
Well, you said it yourself: "he did give it his best shot to make us at home"
That's really all there is to it.
Actually, he sounds like a considerate, sweet man!
Really--what were your options? Run out immediately and check into a hotel? Probably would have broken his heart.
You don't mention how old he is, but it really sounds like he could use some help around the house.
I feel bad thinking of him living that way when he sounds like a perfectly lovely person.
After my uncle died, my kids and I went to visit and stay with my aunt. My uncle had been ill for a long time and she spent her days and nights tending to him. I was in shock when we got there. I wasn't prepared for the condition her home was in. It broke my heart. She hadn't been able to bear washing any of her husband's laundry or the sheets and blankets that had been on the bed when he passed away.
I set to work.
My sister and brother-in-law had gone to Oregon as well to see a new grandbaby and they weren't all that far away. I called them and they came over. They extended their stay and my sister and I cleaned the inside of the house and my brother-in-law bought lumber and repaired her porches that were completely unsafe. I went through all her mail that had piled up and helped her get her bills in order and paid.
My poor aunt just needed help and she wasn't the type to ask for it. She knew she hadn't been able to keep up with things so she wasn't offended in any way.
When I go stay with family, especially elderly relatives, I always do things to help them out while I'm there. I like keeping busy and it makes me feel good to do it.
If you're only there for one night, you just have to enjoy the company and appreciate the intended hospitality. Maybe extend your stay to help out with at least the kitchen and bedding.
I wouldn't lose touch with a family member who obviously is trying to be gracious to you. Life is too short for that.
Best wishes.
North Carolina is beautiful. I have family there.
Next time you go, tell him you are bringing dinner in since he provided dinner last time. Bring pizza and paper plates with you. Also some clorox wipes and clean sheets in your suitcase. Enjoy the conversation, then take him out for coffee and breakfast the next morning.
There's no excuse for dangerous food conditions, mold and vermin running around -and leaving their excrement everywhere. My dad will be 75 in July, he lives alone and in a rural small town in middle Georgia. There are no vermin, no mold, no nasty kitchen appliances and no feces around his house. If there were, I would tell him he had to do something about it and I would engage social services to check on him. People get really sick living like that, and it's not "country" or "normal" -it's sad. Get him some help before he gets really sick. He's probably lived like this for so long, he thinks nothing of it -but it's not okay.
I wouldn't stay or eat there at all.
I would have slept with the lights on.
My daughter and I went to visit old friend once in Nevada. When we got there, we saw cockroaches! Needless to say,we took turns sleeping and NEVER turned off the light.
We did not bring out suitcases into the house when we got home. Unpacked them outside, shook everything out REALLY well and put the suitcases directly in the basement. I think I left them there when I moved!
That was our last visit.
such a difficult situation. i think you handled it as well as anyone could. but i'd make contingency plans for future visits, ie rent a camper if you can't find a hotel close enough. certainly don't plan to stay there again. and he will probably appreciate it if you bring the food, and you really have to because you can't possibly eat his.
i love that you stay in touch with him.
is it possible to broach the subject of getting some elder care out there to look in on him? when elderly people live alone, it's very common for them to get out of the habit of cleaning up, and to get used to living in substandard conditions. the county may have some sort of program in place to help.
i've had similar situations happen twice, not as extreme as yours enough to give me the heebie-jeebies. one was a single night in a bed full of dried dog turds and an execrable bathroom (i stripped the bed and slept in my clothes, got out first thing in the am and fled back to my aunt's to shower and bleach myself.) the other was a week in a flea-infested bed, where i had no options. i kept my suitcase tightly zipped and got spray for myself and the bedding, and was lucky enough not to take any of the little buggers home.
not an easy thing to face!
khairete
S.
I would have simply said, that these are not conditions we can live in, your immune system may be able to handle it but not ours and found a hotel room. That is just plain disgusting from what you described and I would plan on camping and bringing all my own needs if there were even to be a next time.
Been there, done that. You endured it perfectly.
This post had me laughing!! Oh my, I have been there!! My husband has friends that are 'country people' and while they are the nicest people you'd ever meet, going there is a real hoot. Literally they let the cows roam free and the cows come right up and eat off the table (we eat outside there). If you have to go inside to use the bathroom, the floor crunches and the potty is so filthy its black! And usually the person who went before you forgot to flush. Its so gross there, but they are old friends of my husband's so we have to visit every once in awhile. We grin and bear it then come home and breath a big sigh of releaf. I would have done the same in your situation. Grinned and beared it for the sake of politeness. Can't wait to hear your SHW.
Well you are a lot better than me, because I would never have been able to eat or stay there. I would hve made a pretty fast excuse.
pop up camper. you can rent something to sleep in and bring it along with you. sounds like he has plenty of property. this actually sounds like my dad while camping. i warned my husband though. he would have to sleep in his truck (almost everyone does ) and if dad wanted to cut some food up dont let him. he uses that knife for everything. My dad will sometimes sleep in the camper that is left out there (no electricity or running water ) but he likes the little mice that comes and sleeps on top of him. he feels closer to nature. and i admit a cute little feild mouse sleeping sounds cute....not ON me though. I would have said good bye at the mouse droppings. I could not handle that. I would have stayed in my car. your brave. That is nasty. He might not have known about the poop in the beds. Can he see well. Also the deer meat would not have bothered me, the temp and the meat grinder still sitting out would have! Believe me my dad lives in a nice house,clean, frilly decorated, and its clean. but camping is a different story.
*** also i would have washed the grinder!
ROFLMAO you did really well. I like the idea of bringing food in, maybe sleeping bags too but wanted to thank you for the laugh. I've been there too you are so sweet for wanting to go back.
I'm in line with Momma L. I would have said something to him--maybe even shaken my finger at him--and then slept in the car. Bless you all for how you handled it, but I'm just not that girl.
BLESS YOUR HEART! I am cracking up while at work.. Thank you!
Sound like you handled it very well.
Why keep us in suspence?
Oh Lordy. I just got so many visuals from this story to give me a chuckle. I forget that people/places like this really exist. Love it! Bless you for making it work and being a gracious guest to this man who doesn't probably get a lot of visitors!
Oh dear. That made me sad! Sounds like you feel the same way, and that you know he tried really hard! Made me think of my FIL actually. Luckily my MIL is still around to keep after him, but if he outlives her.... we'll be in the same boat. He carries a pocket knife around him with which he cleans his finger nails, cuts rope or any other such thing in the garage, and then when my girls are with him he proceeds to cut slices off an apple for them. I cringe, look away and keep my mouth shut. They haven't gotten sick yet. So nasty though. I can't wait to hear how you made it through the trip!!!
