How to Cope with "Everybody Else Gets" When It's TRUE!

my kids are 10 (girl and boy is 13) My son had to have a bike.. I bought it for 150. after one year he complained that everyone else had better.. so I told him fine.. but he had to pay for better $400. which I thought was crazy. He first put a sign on his bike for 100 or best offer and had it out everyday.. after about 4 days someone came by and offered him 80. He took it. next he went around and put notes in peoples mailbox in neighborhood that he would watch pets, take them for walks, clean up yards, weeds, and take in mail and or water plants when neighbors were away. He got a lot of people calling.. and within 2 months had $400. He only made small amts from his jobs.. but he learned how to make money. I gave him 12. each week for cutting the grass. and I bought him a good lock for the bike. he loves his bike and because he bought it, he takes care of it more than before. He now still does this type of stuff... but has to put 1/2 of what he makes away in the bank for college.. and it's growing money!! My daugher who is doing the same things.. but on a smaller scale - just the clean ups, and picking up mail and or watering flowers and weeding. She just made 25. for helping a neighbor out. My son also has a cell phone... we bought it for Christmas for him, he pays us 10. per month for texting and we pick up the other 10.. because I want to know where he is and what he is doing. My daughter will get a cell phone in 5th grade..and will have to pay texting cost too. this makes them learn that money doesn't grow on trees. good luck

I agree with Renee C.

We are a consumption-driven society where everything is made to be disposable, and you need to have the latest and greatest or you're a loser.

I grew up in a very frugal household. My parents just got Direct TV due to the switch to digital, before that it was rabbit ears. If you didn't get a specific item for your birthday or Christmas (usually one "treat" item that was pricier than the rest, some cheap toys, and some much-needed clothes), you were going to have to buy it yourself.

Your kids are old enough to work for an allowance, or to pick up odd jobs for you or your neighbors, and to start saving for the things they want. This will help them appreciate what things cost and decide how important the item is to them.

My daughter is almost 6, so I haven't had to deal with this too badly yet. She's gone through different phases with clothing where she had to wear a dress, the dress has to twirl, "a skirt is not a dress", etc. and she can currently tell you every special offer and gimmick that goes with every product advertised on TV (for kids or grownups), so I know it's coming. My answer at the moment is always to put it on your birthday or Christmas list and see what happens.

I don't know how I'll feel about cell phones. In theory I've always been against kids having them at school, but it may not be practical in the world we live in. But, I would probably limit them to a pay as you go type phone, where if they use up all the minutes, they don't get any more until they re-up, OR to one where the phone is blocked from texting, but again this doesn't really address "reality". I think cell phones should be banned from the classrooms and really from the schools, but so many parents insist on around the clock access to their kids, that they don't support this. On top of that, many places have removed their pay phones so there is no way for kids to call home when they need to.

As far as kids coming over to play, hopefully you have a yard they can play in, with plenty of sporting or play equipment, otherwise, they are going to be bored inside with no video games, whether those are on a computer or TV. You can try to have a bin of cheap craft supplies, and paper towel or toilet paper tubes, old cereal boxes, newspaper etc. and encourage them to make different projects and run around the house fighting pirates, slaying dragons, etc., but it will take a lot of creativity and encouragement on your part.

Best wishes! I do think you are on the right track, but you're fighting our whole society

I agree with you and your husband...so stay on track with your children and values.

We live in a world that material things have become more important then anything else. After a while even the material things aren't valued...they get tossed aside as junk for bigger and better material things... I call it a zombie way of life. I think so much is lost in it all...to name one or two...creativity, the ability to communicate and knowing how to spend quality time with another humen beings.

I came out of a middle class home...I got the basic things from my parents...even for X-mas. When I wanted something cool my friends had, I was told by my parents, "Sure, get a job after school or on weekends and save up for it." ....and so I did. I hired myself out to our neighbors, washed cars, shoveled snow, raked leaves, did small errands, baby sat, shampooed pets, walked dogs...as I got older, I landed better jobs for more money. It's how I got my first portable radio, record player, records, and then finally a sterro, rock star posters, my own telephone in my room...tickets to concerts and even tickets to my first boardway show..."Funny Girl", cool clothes, etc. etc...

You've gotten lots of good advice so I'll just add my 2 cents worth. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood where my father and mother both worked hard to provide for me and my 2 sisters. We didn't have fancy clothes, the latests toys, or expensive vacations. My parents provided everything we NEEDED, not everything we WANTED. Is it really necessary that we get everything we want?

I've been happily married to a very involved hard-working husband for 17 years. We have a 9 year old daughter. I work a home business that helps pay for the little extras like a trip to the mall or a museum. We provide everything my daughter needs and not always everything she wants. My husband earns a good living, but is home by 6 every night. He spends quality time with her every day - walks, trips to the park, games, gardening, etc. THAT is what your children will remember when they get older. Not that they had the latest Wii game (we don't own any electronic games of any kind). We don't have a flat screen TV, we have an older model that works just fine. We have basic cable and a computer. My daughter doesn't have a cell phone like many of her friends do. I would only buy one for her if I needed to keep track of where she is, which I don't have a need to do at the moment. We take small vacations within driving distance. We're looking forward to a few days in the Catskills this year where we'll visit Howe Caverns & Stockbridge, Mass where the Norman Rockwell museum is. We've never been to Disney as a family, although my daughter went there with my sister's family last year. We are very active in our church where my husband is a deacon and I sing with the praise band. My daughter looks forward to church every week.

We are all thankful each night when we lay our heads down on our pillows in our warm cozy beds knowing that there are many people in this country who don't have that luxury. We are thankful for the food we eat (I cook almost all meals for us at home to save $$) when we know many people in the world don't know where their next meal will come from. We spend time with family and friends and are thankful that we have 2 sets of grandparents and many cousins, etc.

Keep doing what you're doing and don't give into the mentality of the rest of the world where "things" are important. At the end of your life, they won't be.

Hi L.,

I hear you. My kids are turning 10 and 14 this month. Luckily my son isn't so conscious of this and my daughter understands what we can do and what we don't do.
It really does shock me at all of the things that other people seem to be able to afford! I am convinced that they are taking on a lot of debt and not necessarily paying cash for these items. Your kids are not too young to understand what this means, and that by not buying these extravagances, you are able to do things like put money aside for college.
We are probably not the most popular house to play at since we do not have a game system and don't plan to get one. While my husband fantasizes about a big flatscreen t.v., there are quite a number of things ahead of that on the list for "If thousands of dollars suddenly fell out of the sky..."
My daughter does have a cellphone, got one in 5th grade when she started staying home alone 1/2 hour til I got home from work. It was primarily for her to communicate with dad and me. Her friends got really fancy cellphones, but they got them 2 years later, and they were gifts, toys, whereas we viewed hers as a tool for us to reach her and vice versa. She got an ipod for Christmas when she was 12, it was her only gift. I see 9 year olds with IPODS - my son's friends, and I just can't imagine buying such an expensive item for a 4th grader or why they would need it. What happened to privileges with age?
My 14 year old understands that I have a certain amount of money that I can spend on her clothes. She watches for the sales on the brands that she likes! She knows that if I can pay $25 for sneakers or jeans and she wants the $40 sneakers or jeans, I'm still only paying $25 and she is welcome to pony up from her own money to cover the difference. I think it is valuable for kids to have some financial responsibility for the fancy things they'd like.
Good luck, and goof for you for raising grounded, down to earth kids.

Dejavue...My 10 year old son goes to a parochial school too; however, I do not consider my income level to be in the same league as theirs. Sure they aren't super rich like Bill Gate or Justin Timberlake, but they aren't part of the low or middle middle class. Most of them are making 6 digit figures, because most of the parents are doctors, lawyers, dentists, and business owners. The good part of ours is that it is near a college, so another large portion of the parents are college employees. I think my son is pretty lucky in that his friends invite him to their house, they come to our house, and the do call each other. I do appolozise for my house, because it is really old but they seem old with it. My son is the big enertainer, so he knows how to keep them so busy they don't want to go home. Although I've noticed that most of my son's friends are very diverse. He even asked me once, "why the ethnic kids are nicer than the white kids." I told him he just didnt' meet the right ones yet, and that most of them are more socially competitive. Anyhow, he knows what's in and what he likes. He keeps his friends busy playing bakugan, yu-gi-oh, Nintendo DS, and games he makes up for playing outside. That is one thing we have over his friends....They have big houses, but we have a big paved driveway and yard to play in. They only have little driveways...Not enough room for bicycling or playing with their Heely's. You really have to plan things for them to do, so they don't get bored. AS for keeping friends....Friends change all the time and most of the time you'll never see the people you graduate with anyway. (I told my son that and even told him not to worry about girls, because he'll pick up a nice college girl later on.)

The "I want it syndrome." It doesn't matter if public or private school, all kids go through this stage. Kids from public school can get nasty and anti-social too. (I've been through that as a child, which is another reaston my son's in catholic school. It's even worse in public school, if they don't like you.) I come straight out and tell him I'm sorry, but I don't have the money. Sometimes, I'll compromise and get things really cheap from Ebay. (Nobody knows where you get stuff, unless you tell them.) He wants a cell phone too, because he winds up borrowing everyone else's. (He borrowed one to tell us the bus broke down and one time he got out early.)My cell phone is too dated...so true. At fird I told him I didn't believe a child should have a cell phone until they are in high school, then I reconsidered and told him I have to see him exercise responsibility first; which means putting toys away, not loosing stuff, not forgetting stuff at other people's houses or in stores, not flashing money, remembering all homework assignments, remembering to bring home books needed for homework assignments, etc. I'm still waiting. I do have a cheap one in mind...the terrifying Tracfone. (The new ones are pretty cool and it's cheap, because I can't afford $39/month. Right now I just pay $6.66/month...We don't talk a lot.)

My brother and I often used the "but so and so has x" with our parents and their responsewas the same as yours, "that's other families". My children are 8yo, 2yo and I'm 34 weeks pregnant with our third. We are a 1 income family that HAS to cut corners and cut expenses to make ends meet. You may be right about the other familie living above their means but your right not to speculate to the children. Just stick to your guns.

We did family things, nice vacations (not extravagant), outings to the park (free) and we did have a pool. We also grew up with horses (3) in the back yard and were taught how to work hard and play hard. We never had the up to date toys and games but we always had love, a decent meal and involved parents. My house was the place to go for every one because they always knew that we would have something to do (work included), sandwiches and fruit for lunch and parents that spent time with us.

The USA now is all about the "material" things but it is better to give our kids love than stuff. Our home is the gathering place still (we live right next door to my parents). We still have a 24ft above ground pool, 1 horse in the back yard that is a giant pet, and an apple tree that all the kids climb. Our house is the place that everyone still comes for burger and dog BBQ's and love. Our 8yo wants a cell phone and an MP3 player, another horse and a puppy. What she has is a family of love, a phone on the wall(home#), an old dog,a horse in the back yard and a pool. She has grandparents that love her and a work ethic that beats many adults. We have a large garden that she helps with as well as other things she helps with.

Love your children, give them quality time, meet their NEEDS and if possible pick something special to give for birthdays, or christmas. Our daughter got a new bike (45$) for an excellent report card but had to wait until an overtime check. The "stuff" will always need to be updated and replaced but the love will never leave them no matter how old they get! A.

I get this from my 16 year old. He wants a cell phone cause all his friends have them. I remind him that his friends have a two-parent household and both parents work. I am a single mom who raised(ing) 4 kids basically alone for the last 19 years. I offered to buy him a tracfone, which wasn't good enough, so I told him to get a job. Kids don't understand the dynamics of 2 year contracts and the economy right now.

My best advice to you would be to keep reminding your kids that you don't need to keep up with the "Joneses" and that if their friends don't want to come over for lack of things to do, they are not really friends at all.

I tell my kids that stuff is stuff and you can't take it to Heaven with you. I grew up with one b/w TV in the house with no cable. We found other things to do outside.

Stick to your guns.

Gosh it is soooo refreshing to know that there are families like you around! My son is only 2 but we are exactly the same way. Less is more for kids, whether they like it or not. Anything I had that was "extra" growing up, I bought with my own allowance. I grew up in Idaho, my Dad was/still is a miner. We weren't poor by any means, but we bought what we NEEDED with very few luxuries on the side. In fact, our luxuries included family camping trips- not expensive, exotic beach vacations, something I miss dearly!

Keep up the GREAT work and just keep explaining to your children how important it is to cherish the value of a dollar. I wish there were more people like you around! The world would be a much better place.
Lynsey

I am your child.
When I was growing up (born in 79, grew up in Memphis, TN, not a rich town by any means) My parents did fine. We lived in a safe neighborhood, had simple furnishings, bought safe economical cars, etc. But we had no video games, no CABLE TV, no fancy toys, never went on vacation, drove everywhere (thousands of miles in the family car) and never flew. But yet we had everything we needed. I had the same situation as your kids, no one wanted to come to my house because we had nothing cool to play with or to eat (my parents bought no snack food, no cool desserts and nothing name brand).
Now that I am 30 with one child and another on the way I am happy that I had such an upbringing, because I can appreciate the things that I have. I can buy a couple of pieces of clothing at a store and I still appreciate them a few months later. My parents also taught me that it is better to have a savings and work hard and provide for your family than it is to have a flashy car or toys that you get sick of after playing them a few times.
I admit, when I got to college and had a little income I bought whatever I wanted, bought all the name brand food and makeup and clothes that I wanted, ran up a manageable amount of debt, like any kid. But the difference was that after about a year or two I came to the startling realization that none of these things ever bought me true happiness and most of them broke or wore out and couldn't be relied upon. And I am pretty proud of figuring that out at the young age of 23.

You are doing right by your children. 10 and 13 are a very tough time. But stick to your guns and teach them that they don't have to be victims of our insatiable consumer culture. You are going to fight about something when your kids are this age and they will NEVER be happy with what they get from you. If you go to disney they will be upset that they didn't get to go to the carribbean. If you buy them a car, they will be upset that it isn't the one that they want. You might as well accept the pushback and insert a lesson. Stay strong--they will appreciate this and come out better people.

Stick to your guns! You are responcible for how you raise your kids. Too many people live beyond their means, on credit, etc...That's why we are in the financial mess we are in! Give your kids what you can, and what you think is appropriate. Anything else is up to them! They can earn their own money, and get their own "cool" things! Many of us were raised that way and we are better for it now. Your kids will not like it, nor will they understand it now. In the future they will understand, and will be thankful for having learned these lessons.

I like your style and I agree, many of the people are probably spending money they don't have. My husband and I want to raise our son with some modesty too - as we were brought up. He's only two so we've got time. I don't have any answers for you but I want to say KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! Your children will be better off in the long run. I'm sure some of the moms here with older children and who have to deal with this too will have good advice for you!

Hi, L.,
I was in your kids' shoes when I was young. I went to a small private school and most/ many of my schoolmates were quite wealthy. My family was not, but we had all our needs met. I was embarrassed about being picked up in an old beat up station wagon, not wearing the latest Benetton, etc. But I don't remember complaining much to my parents. I had friends who didn't seem to notice, or didn't care, because I guess they were real friends. And I think that not having as much, but seeing what they all had, made me realize that it doesn't matter as much as non-material things in life.
It sounds like your kids have some life lessons to learn, and the only way they will get it is with time. Money doesn't grow on trees, as my mom always said!
Now that it's summer, they don't need to be inside w/ tv's anyway, so maybe offer to take them and some friends to the beach or a lake for a day. Or get some water toys like slip and slide, outdoor games they can do at home w/ friends. Order a pizza for them. I'm sure their friends will be back.

Perhaps you should consider sending your kids to public school where kids arent so competitive. There is a lot of one-up-manship in private schools and if you can't keep up you are made fun of. The public schools have a mix of kids and dont pay that much attention to who has the best or most.

I think your suspisions about the other families spending credit, money they dont have, and not putting any away, is most likely the case. This society is way too materialist, I agree with you, just because you can afford it, doesn't mean you have to have it. You're doing the right things by teaching your kids that material things are not what is important. Imagination, creatuvuty, relationships, resourcefulness, all much more important values that you are teaching your kids. They might complain jnow, but hopefully when they are older, they will understand and thank you for WHen I was younger I was in the same situation. I was in a school with most kids who were a lot wealthier than my family. We weren't poor, but even so, if we had as much money as they did, my parents didn't necessarily always give in to everything we wanted. I did whine and copmplain but now I thank my parents because I did come to understand and learn the benefits of delaying gratification, saving my money for special things, appreciating the things I did get, not being spoiled. My suggestion is that you DO explain to them your suspision even though you say you would never say that to them, why not? because in general, it is true of our society and it has gotten us into this economic recession. Explain that a lot of peopl buy things with credit cards, which means they dont really have the money and they are spending money they didnt even earn yet, and that it all catches up to you in the long run, and that you are able to save up money for emergencies, their college education, and saving's all about security and insuring your future security. By explaining this to them, you're not insulting anyone personally, not naming names. They are old enough to understand. Good for you, more parents should be more like you!

Hi L.,
Congrats on using wisdom in financial matters.
My way was to say "we are not everyone else"
Remember everyone else isn't, that is just an expression we all use to get our way. Stand your ground.
The other thing I did was say "Save your money, earn some money" Our neighbor for years often hired the boys to wash his truck and gave them a dollar many times. They didn't spend that dollar easily because "they worked too hard for it to spend it on" ... 'gum' or something that would be gone.
Lastly, I never gave my kids "bragging rights" as my mom called them. Kids who have to brag, often are being bought not loved. I don't know if it is true, but giving to the poor even when you have little makes kids realize there are kids who have less.
My favorite story is a college class our son was in at a big fancy school he was given a basic free ride to because of his high academics. He was in a class where the professor said "no one is poor in the US" All the kids agreed. Our son stood up, and said "I have to disagree"
What are you comparing? The professor said he meant in America there are no poor and welfare should not be. Our son told about a family who was in his private school class that had a bag of pop corn for lunch to share with the rest of his brothers because they were poor. How did they go to private school? She worked off their tuition, and he worked to pay the bills, the money was not there for food. Everyone was in shock. The professor said it was the first time in 10 years of teaching at that school that anyone had any reality about the country around them.
Compared to the world we are rich, but there are poor because the "poor will always be with us" These kids got $1000.00 or more/month to spend on incidentals. The assignment was to come up with an agency or family in the area to donate to. Our son's family even after finding out about the world around them was the overwhelming choice. They send all the extra incidentals money for 4 years to this family. It put them on their feet! Dad got training and now has a good job.
Just a thought!!
God bless you and your lovely family Keep up the good work.
You'll be married the same years with kids about my kids age when I had the twins.
K. --- SAHM married 20 years when the twins were born and the boys were 18 & 14 yo. The twins are 19 today! You can do the math.

Hi L.,

First off, know that you are not alone. You've gotten some pretty good and helpful advice. I have three children in elementary school, one boy (the oldest) and two girls. It's my son in particular that likes to say "everybody else has it". We have similar stories. Why is my 10 year old asking for a cell phone? I'm a SAHM. The school calls, and I come. I don't get it. LOL. As a SAHM, I have to shop wisely. I steer away from name brands in food and clothing, and having what the Joneses have. We are in the process of building a nice nest egg for college. I got my hard work ethic from my parents, so when the kids are ready to start with the "everybody else" bit, I tell them that what money we have is saved for college. My sister and I graduated college with absolutely no student loans, and I want to do the same for my children. It's good to teach them that the grass always seems greener on the other side, and it's not good to flaunt what you have anyway. I also tell them that if their friends don't want to come to the house, maybe they're not real friends after all, especially if they're coming over only to play with what you have. There is plenty to do outside in the fresh air. All this to say, don't change a bit. You are on the right track. Like you said, the other parents are most likely submitting to their own children's "everybody else has it" bit and spending money they don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You know your truth, and that's all that matters. Wishing you continued success, and always remember that it's all about the quality, not the quantity.

Stick to your guns! Your kids will thank you later. Sounds like they have smart parents!

Your kids are old enough to learn about finances and priorities. Sit down with the family and have a "budget" meeting where you go over where all the money comes from and goes (in general terms). Then if you have a budgeted amount for a family vacation or something special discuss what everyone would like to put that towards. For example if you are going to plan a family vacation plan the trip together and have the kids help pick out what to do on the vacation and where to go.

I also agree with what others have said about kids appreciating things more if they earn them--let your kids know if they want X game they need to do something to earn the money for it (saving from their allowance, extra chores, helping out around the neighborhood, etc.

Hi Mom,

I would say why not compromise.

Suggest getting your daughter a cellphone when she is in Highschool,
This gives her something to look forward too.

In addition your daughter is 13 , have her do some babysitting, she can earn her own money to pay for the cellphone, or computer.

Your 10 year old son, is embarrased.
This is hard for him but he'll get over it.

I suggest helping him join a sporting activity, that he can participate in atleast 2 to 3 times per week.

atleast this way he is being active , having fun and making friends.

Mom, I understand your stand point, many people are living beyond their means.

But you can't explain it away.

THEY really feel bad about having to continuously sacrifice NOW for the future.

Your an adult, they are kids.
You can't expect them to be happy about your savings for the future, when they get no say so.

The benefits of a good education are lost on kids.

I have to honestly say Your right other kids are getting.

I don't believe kids should get everything they want but i do think they should be rewarded,

I give my child ONE big gift for birthdays and holidays.
We do not have big parties, and I allow him to save and keep his own money received by relatives and friends,

He is encouraged to save his money and spend it wisely,
But if he wants to get ice cream instead thats his choice.

My son has his own tv, and playstation in his room.
( these were gifts from his family at christmas, everyone chipped in for it)
He does not have a cell phone. nor a computer.
When he asks for a cellphone I would put it off, and now he is 13 and wants to go out riding his bike with friends, So I think its time. I agreed that I would give him $200 instead of a birthday party( 13 is a mile stone, 16, and 18 are aswell). So we can get intouch with him.nothing fancy.

As for a computer Maybe when he is highschool.
Or he can get a job to buy on himself.

M

first of all, one of the main reasons that our economy is in the toilet is that it has become american culture to spend money we dont have and live in debt. do you watch the tv/media geared to young kids? it is disgusting, all about the bling and what you have and how much you can spend. thank goodness i do see the trend starting to change a bit, lots of kids in popular culture starting to focus on philanthropy and going green and things like that. try to point your kids in that direction, it is becoming cool, thank goodness. your children are old enough to understand the concept of living within your means and (gasp!) maybe even saving a dime for a rainy day. talk to them honestly about it. they may not like it, but they will understand it. when i was growing up, my parents were quite clear that they could care less what everyone else had or did, and that was it. i remember feeling bad once in a while about this or that, but in general i did understand, it was just the way it was and it does make sense. dont apologize for it either, you are smart and you are teaching your kids something that will serve them their entire lives. be sure they know how much they really do have, and instill the value of giving to others as well. you had some other excellent responses here about giving to those less fortunate than you. i think you are doing great, its not easy, but then, the most important things never are, right?

i had to add.... i love allisons response! i love all of them. great topic :)

I say stick to your values. The kids can find other stuff to do while visiting your kids. Why should they be sitting watching tv or on the computer, they should be outside or playing board games.

Your kids will thank you later.

Stick to your guns! In my opinion you are doing exactly what a parent should be doing. Giving in to your children's every demand, whim & desire will not help them build character, nor learn patience. Succumbing to these wishes only encourages the immediate gratification generation that has been created. Look at the state of our country right now economically; way too many people spent way beyond their means, demanded that they should be entitled to a house they could not afford, ran up teir credit cards bills that far exceeded their income, etc.

You are not alone on this. I have already warned my kids ages 7, 6, & 3 that they will NOT have a cell phone until driving age, we will NOT buy a wii anytime soon, and that they were blessed to have a mom & a dad who will NOT parent like someone else's parent so don't even try!

I do splurge on my kids. They have all they need to grow up to be well rounded and not totally strange to other kids, but I do draw the line at some things. Find your line, draw it, and stick to it! Great job! And good luck.

First of all, kudos to you for living within your means and not just using the "we can't afford it" excuse (you said "we don't need it" and at our house we also say "we make different choices.")

If you're a person of faith, there's a neat book called "Giving to God" that talks a bout the many ways we use money as a tool to make life more meaningful. It's by Mark Allen Powell, a Lutheran seminary professor, and is a great book, easy to read.

You said you have cable -- an interesting exercise is to give your kids the cash for each monthly cable bill -- 1/2 to each -- and they have to decide together whether they want to give it back to you to pay the cable bill or if they want to make different choices. (This means you'd need to be willing/able to suspend cable now and then -- maybe you'd have to do it in more than one-month increments, and in advance of the billing process.) They learn that many of these luxuries we rely on are NOT fixed costs, but they're choices for how we shape our lives.

I wish I had some advice on dealing with what other kids say, about your house being "boring." Our kids aren't old enough to be in the words-as-weapons phase, and I don't know how I'll handle it. All I can think is to have a range of structured activities when they come over that they don't get elsewhere -- clay, intriguing board games, something outdoorsy. But it doesn't change the inherent insult and the hurt that results. I'll have to read what others continue to write for you!

L.,

We were your kids when we were their age. Everyone else had a TV in their room (equivalent to a computer these days ;) went really cool places for vacation (Cape Cod, Bahamas, VI, Disney, etc). We complained but we lived through it.

If you have time, take your kids places - parks, hikes, climbing, soup kitchens, etc. Get involved with people who have much less, and they will see how much they do have.

My parents didn't do this. I think it would have been enlightening and much more beneficial than simply being told to be quiet.

Good luck,
M.

Hi L.,

My children are younger, 8 and 3. I explain to them that we just dont have the money, that is expenisve. They dont like it but seem to get it...

My suggestions for you are to try being honest. Also, Perhaps you could bring your kids someplace wehre the people are less fortunate then you are. A homeless shelter, an orphanage, or soemthing. Let them volunteer at these kinds of places, so they can open their eyes a bit to the things that are important, and through doing so, get a better grasp on their own lives and needs.

Your children are also old enough to earn some money themselves. Tell them if they want that nice expensive tv in their room, to earn the money for it. They could, for instance, rake leaves, mow lawns, babysit, etc. I do not know what the child work laws are in your area, but I think they are to young to be hired to work at a "real" job. If they want something bad enough, they will figure out ways to earn the money. Perhaps it could be as simple as say, giving up a treat you would buy them each week at the grocery store. Instead of that $3.00 container of icecream, they can put that money in their bank.

As for your boy's friend not wanting to go to the boring house... Tell yoru son Good! Then you don't have to clean up after him.

It is rough when everyone else has "more" then your kids do. I remember going through that as a child myself. They will get over it. Eventually. There are some great lessons that can be learned in this situation for them, regarding money management, saving, life, and what is really important.

Oh one last thing, regarding the volunteer work, Colleges LOVE that sort of thing, so it will have an added benefit for them as well.

Good luck, this is a tough situation. Kids (other people's) can be nasty at times. Just stick with your guns, and try to guide your's in the right way. You will be fine.

Liz

Hi L.,
My daughter had an issue with a girlfriend of hers a couple of years ago. The girl would brag to her about things she would get for Christmas and her birthday, or just in general. Her parents bought her an expensive cell phone, Uggs boots, a ride-on scooter, expensive clothes, vacations, etc. I told my daughter that if you had those things would you find it necessary to brag about them? She told me no. I said then I guess I am raising the better child!!! Keep your kids centered on God and His purpose not on things of this world. These things don't last but your character does.

I love Allison's post. Teach your kids the true value of their money by making them take responsibility for managing their own money. That is a lesson that will pay off for the rest of their lives. You and your husband are wonderful role models for your children. It is normal to feel a little envy and greed now and then but you will teach your children to be better people by focusing on more important things in life. Kudos to you!!!

Hi L.,
I think your response is great, "everybody does things differently"
I believe in keeping one's family values intact no matter what the outside world is doing. And it is also important to instil those values to one's children.
Talk to your children and make them understand the value of what you have VS just having tons of material things.
Take care,
L..