How Do You Have This Talk W/ Kids? Re: Molestation

There is an excellent website designed to help with this sort of thing called Kidpower. You'll find great articles there as well as strategies for helping kids stay safe and even a downloadable coloring book on strangers--all w/o making kids scared. BTW: You're an awesome mom.

http://www.kidpower.org/who-we-serve/kidnapping-preventio...

You can tell your daughter that the parts of her body that are covered by a bathing suit are "private" and that only she, mom, dad, doctor, etc. should touch/look there and if anyone else does, she can tell you right away.

I really liked "The Safe Side" DVD because it teaches them what they need to know (including things someone might say to trick them), and it's not scary and holds their attention.
http://www.thesafeside.com/?gclid=CIWE25jNgKgCFcfsKgodN3rcqw

I have told my kids that privates are called private because they are just that, private. It is not appropriate for anyone to touch anothers privates unless there is a medical reason (ie, pain, redness, swelling, etc.) I have told them that there are sometimes people who do not understand this rule and may try to touch another persons privates, but we are not to let them. The people who don't understand the rule MAY even lie and say that it is okay for them to touch, or that 'bad' things can happen if the kids tell that their privates were touched but that that is a LIE! If anyone ever attempts to touch their privates in any way, they are to say "NO! Those are MY privates and only *I* am allowed to touch them!", run away, and then tell an adult, any adult-a teacher, neighbor, policeperson, doctor, nurse, parent-ANYONE who is an adult that they trust so the 'toucher' can get the help they need to 'understand' this no touching rule.

I am starting to talk about "good touch, bad touch" with my DD who is almost 4 and how there are NO SECRETS in our family...if anyone ever tells you to keep a secret you tell Mommy and you let them know you tell mommy EVERYTHING. I've heard making them a difficult target is the best defense...where the person will see them as too much trouble to even bother with. It's more a control issue than a sexual issue from what I've learned and I'm teaching my DD to be VERY assertive and if anyone wants to touch her body or "play a game" where she touches theirs...to put her hand out and say loudly, "STOP, this is MY body. YOU DO NOT touch me". And teaching her that strangers are one thing, but also people you know and trust like friends' fathers, neighbors, etc. should also not be wanting to touch her body. I'll do the same with DS when he's older.

I taught my daughter that her body belonged to her, and that no one had the right to touch her in any way that she didn't want. I told her that no one should ever touch her privates. I told her that sometimes people who touch kids in bad ways will tell them that their parents won't love them anymore if they tell, or that they will get in trouble if they tell, or even that they will hurt the kid's parents if they tell, but that those people are liars, and just want to keep themselves out of trouble. I told her that there was no way I would ever stop loving her, and that she would never be in trouble for telling me if someone did something wrong to her.

I think that it would be a good idea to let her know that someone touched Mommy in a bad way when she was little, and she didn't tell because she was afraid, and that you don't want her to be afraid like Mommy was.

I was molested at that age, too. ..and way more than once. It was my grandfather. I never told my mom. I never was told it was wrong, but it FELT wrong to me, and I was shy and my grandfather was highly regarded and really liked me, spoiled me, so I didn't say anything to my mom about it until I was 25. and then that is when I found out that he did that to her too! My first reaction was: WHY IN THE HECK DID YOU NOT KEEP ME AWAY FROM HIM?!?!? Her reaction to finding out that I too, was molested have put distance between us that I will never be able to bring closer. We are not far apart now, but I just can't get closer. I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the molestations. For some reason, my mom thought I wanted to report and sue my grandfather because of it... SO she HIRED A LAWYER FOR HIM! My intention was never to charge him, so that idea went dead, but that was the worst thing ever to me. My grandfather died two years ago, I have forgiven him, and I went to therapy and I am healed from the pain... but my mom was hinting that I didn't care about him after he died. The nerve of her to even think that! Now, THAT has really scarred me too:( Sorry, this is just such a topic that is very close to me...

I have FOUR girls! (7,6,4,2). I have had the talk with all of them. I give them "re-fresher courses" on it, too... I tell them that nobody is to touch them in their private areas (this includes any area that a one-piece bathing suit touches), or have them touch theirs. I also group this explanation with the "stranger talk". I think it just also helps that they live in a very stable, loving home with two parents (my dad was NOT around). I think it also helps that they are all very confident and outgoing (I was shy). They don't know I was molested, they don't need to know,. but I want them to know for DAMN sure that they know what is right and wrong when it comes to their bodies. As you probably know, it SCARS you!

Go forward gently. I agree, a dvd to watch together is a great idea. Lots of talking points and a little less intense than a sit-down.

From my perspective, I think you are right to give your daughter information to empower her. I don't want to tar all men with the same brush, but when I was 8, I was molested by a 'family friend' while visiting my Dad's.

What I would have wanted to know at the time was that:
A. Mom and Dad were united in wanting me to be safe and to tell them what happened.
B. Dad wouldn't get into trouble with Mom because this happened.
C. They would have believed me, no matter what.

It took me 6 years to speak out to my mom, 11 years to say something to my dad.

What would be helpful is to join forces with her father; ask him to watch and talk about this dvd with your daughter too, so she's getting this support at both homes. Put it in the context of "because she is growing up in such a world" (not "because I can't see her when she's visiting at your place") and let him know that it's a powerful message for little girls to have these sorts of conversations with their fathers, and that you both want what's best for your daughter. In a home where both parents were present, this should be the norm too.

And definitely get the point across that "we won't be mad at you for telling". We do have to practice this in other areas of parenting, too, for this to feel 'real' for our kids. Like not getting furious when they tell you they broke something.... kids often do internalize a sense of shame or blame when they are inappropriately touched, and molesters are often emotional manipulators, so we have to model this "not being mad for hearing the truth" at other times too.

Added: I know the jury is out on this, but I err on the side of not relating my personal experience to my child. Kids don't see us as having been children, they see us as our present selves, the All Powerful Adult. It might be confusing to a child to know that their adult didn't feel confident in speaking out. "If our capable adult couldn't do it, how can I?" This might be a better conversation for when a child is older and can intellectually place us in the context of being a vulnerable child, maybe in the 10-12 age range, when they are moving out of young childhood and have some perspective on it. Right now, this might conflict with who they need us to be presently. Just my 2 cents.

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I didn't make any huge conversation about it, but I mentioned this kind of thing from when my kids were quite little.

I conversationally mentioned the a**hole Wayne E. who molested me when I was little, and how if I had been a stronger person I would have said or done something, instead of letting him do it.

I kept these statements short, simple, and matter-of-fact. I didn't sit down and have a big "talk," -- something would just come up in conversation that naturally led to the topic.

I don't remember how old they were when this first came up, but things you can't necessarily say to them when they are 5, you can often say to them when they are 6 or 7.

So I think you CAN mention that it happened to you.

And the a**hole Wayne E. was also a family friend, like Hazel's situation. I completely agree with Hazel's ABC. I didn't tell my mother till I was in my 30's.

And by the way, making this conversation matter-of-fact and simple and un-emotional, as I suggest doing, is one of the ways you empower kids to speak up. When you turn it into a big boogie man, talking about it is more difficult, if it ever should happen to them.

EDIT: I'm seeing that everyone thinks you can't tell them about your own experience. I completely disagree. And having done it, I can tell you it doesn't haunt or harm your children when they know about it.

I'm going to "second" the safe side dvd. My daughter watched it when she was, maybe 4 or 5? She loved it. There was one time when we were at a ballpark and an adult man asked her a question. I was at the concession stand, but could still see her. My husband was sitting in a chair close-by. She turned and ran to me. Now, the guy was probably just being friendly and it was completely innocent. But, she came to me immediately. I was proud of her! You never know, for sure, if your kids will abide by what they are taught, so I was happy. All those times I had started in on the "lecture", and my kids say, "Yah..mom..we ...KNOW......", had paid off. :)

Aside from safe side, I would just make sure she knows the tricks that could be played. Tell her someone could say that if she tells a secret, her mom or dad would die. Or, that no one will believe her. It's so freaking tragic, the lies that are told by these monsters. Unfortunately, you know first-hand about this stuff. I'm so sorry for that. Tell her you will absolutely believe her if someone tries anything. I don't know how old your daughter is, so some of this will have to be tweaked according to her age. No one is to touch her there. It's never ok, unless you are there (doctor, etc). I wish you the best of luck. It's too bad we even have to have these talks:(

child molesters do not stop, please tell me you have no contact at all what the person who did this to you, or anyone directly related to them, an enabler is an enabler. small children who cant defend themselves are prime targets for these real life monsters.do some legwork, check the names of the people that the child is around when she is with her father, check these names against the national sexual abuser/child molester data base.if they give you an alias, like "john jones" then you look a little closer at this person, make certain that they see you with the child, give them your best mother bear smile, introduce yourself, let them know you are watching them. at this point, check their address against the child molester data base, if you come up with a match, then you have a little talk with them, letting them know, you know who and what they are. if they have two brain cells in their head, they will quickly move so they are not in the line of fire, so to speak.as my grandfather used to say, if a person will not respect you, they can dam@ sure fear you..
K. h.

unfortunately, this is something we need to teach our children. In addition to what we taught at home, my sons also went thru the required training for Cub & Boy Scouts. It is a packet in the Scout Manual that parents have to sign off on. My sons also had training thru religion class.....they offer this once/year.

I would be very careful to avoid relating your own experiences....being also very careful in setting the tone/mood of your conversations.

I told my daughter that some people are sick and are sexually attracted to children. I told her that if she ever gets a feeling that someone is looking at her, or if someone touches her that she needs to tell another adult, scream, fight, kick if she has to to make it stop. To steer clear of people that she is naturally suspicious of.

How old is she?
Our state has programs starting in Kindergarten called "good touch/bad touch". We talk about different kind of touches, some make us feel good (hugs, etc), some make us feel bad (hitting, for example) and some make us feel confused (this is the molestation part). It goes from there into what is okay and not, and how to deal with it.

I googled "good touch bad touch" and the first three or four things to come up were K-2 lesson plans for the program. If she's at least 3, you could probably modify the kindergarten plans some to use with her.

Do you have any specific reason you are worried about when she is with her dad? Past experience, knowledge of who he exposes her to, ways she is acting, anything? If your concerns are solid, then you need to take steps to protect her, even as far as involving getting visitations changed. You'll need more than just an insecure feeling; start documenting everything (every comment, any odd bruises, anything at all that makes you worry) when she comes home. If you can see any pattern at all, get help involved for her!

Look for the John Walsh kids video. It is fantastic. It teaches distinguishing "safe adults" from "kinda knows" and "don't knows."

I foudn it is helpful to act out scenarios and practice with my daughters. Like, what if a man offers to buy you an ice cream cone at the playground or asks you to find his cat? We practice screaming outr loudest. We have talked about how it is okay to poke eyes, scratch, bite if we can't get away from soneone. We talk about wha tot do if a car comes up alongs side you on e sidewalk - don't wait to see who it is, just run. We talk about saying "it's my body , no touching" even to tickles and hugs if we don't want them. I never force my kids to kiss anyone, even thier own dad or me. We talk about screaming "you car not my mom" or "fire" if another lady tries to take them. Etc. At parties, etc. where I leave my older one, I tell her who her "safe adult" is, who can take her to the bathroom, etc.. And if you get lost, look for a "mommy wiht children."

Of course, this is slowly and over time or as a situation arises (liek going to the park), but my kids really get it. And then, I never let my guard down, and I ask .a lot of questions. I don't talk about molestation per se - they are 6 and 3, but they know about boundaries and that there are bad people even otehr parents and teachers can be bad.

My kids are now 3 and 7, but we started this about age 18 months/2 years in small doses.