How Do I Lighten My Load?

yeah. right.
i was having this issue for a while too. so i know what you are going through..
this is going to be a controversial answer, so i will try to say as little as possible.
its part of your job to do what you are doing.
its normal to feel burnt out, make sure that you are taking time for yourself too, and for your marriage.
this whole feministic idea that men should have to do housework because its not fair that we do it all..... well, thats just plain selfish.

you may not want to do the housework day after day. i understand completely. i dont want to do it either.
but honestly, your husband gets up every morning and goes to work, even if and when he doesnt feel like it. thats a tough job hes got, and im guaranteeing that there are days that he just doesnt want to. but he has to. its part of the way he shows you and the kids that he loves you. he does things he doesnt want to do to earn a living for your family.
in the same sense, you should do the housework without complaint because its part of how you show your husband that you love him. yes, it seems.... 50s housewife-ish but remember the divorce rate was NOT anywhere NEAR where it is today back in the 50s. it may seem that women 'settled' for their position in life, but it was worth it. households had a rhythm, a balance. women now think that men should have to work all day and come home and work all evening, and look at where the divorce rate is! over 50%. sad.

and you know what i found after i gave up trying to make my husband do things? he does them on his own. if im working on dishes, he comes and helps me just to be with me, just to talk to me. he helps me with dinner and with our son - getting him cleaned up and stuff. he always does the garbage without being told. i dont have any more issues with the housework because ive accepted that we all do things we dont want to do, and complaining that all the housework is done by me didnt get me anywhere.

2 books i have been reading that i want to recommend.
created to be his help meet by debi pearl
the proper care and feeding of husbands by laura schlessinger
you can get both these books for less than 10$ (give or take because of shipping) through amazon. they are VERY helpful to the attitude that we all have these days about marriage, and they are tried and true. ive read all of proper care and feeding and it was FANTASTICLY true. i have only started help meet, but it is wonderful! :D instead of feeling used for doing all the work around here, every day i feel fulfilled that i got things done, and the house is running in perfect order. and like i said, my husband almost goes out of his way to help me out. he works in a lumber yard, so his work is active and physical too. but i feel like since ive changed my attitude, hes more willing to be involved in household things.

anyway, heres the link to the books on amazon.
i hope you buy one or both of them and read them. give yourself time and patience, the frustration is not going away overnight. nothing is going to be solved in an instant. and i hope that once you understand whats really important, i hope that your husband is as happy and willing to help as mine is.
its worth a try.

http://www.amazon.com/Created-Be-His-Help-Meet/dp/1892112...

http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/006...

ps, i notice that you have some older children... you should ABSOLUTLY be allowing them to help and they should DEFINATLY have responsibilities. dont check up on them - dont do it for them - and dont do it over after they have done it. it might not be done perfectly but its going to be easier on you if you have some help from the kids. its their responsibility to help in your household! :D
good luck.
write me if you have any questions or anything..

Oh my dear, dear friend, it certainly sounds like you have your hands full! I am sorry that you feel that you have to take on the world by yourself, and believe me, you are not alone! My husband didn't help out much at first either, and even now he doesn't do a whole lot, but he does what I ask of him (most of the time). I work 1st shift, he works 2nd. So he is at home with the kids (3 and 4 years old) during the mornings, I come home at 1 and he goes to work by 1:30 and usually works to midnight. I know he is tired so I don't ask him to do very much, only make the bed and empty and re-load the dishwasher. When he doesn't do his "chores" for an extended period of time, I have gone on strike and it seems to work. I quit cooking dinner for him, I just feed myself and the kids. I quit doing his laundry. As a matter of fact, I even quit cleaning the house! It was gross but it got my point across. I told him if he wasn't going to help me, I wasn't going to help him either, it takes 2 to keep a household together. And of course there is withholding sex too. My advice to you, you really don't have to do everything in one day. Break down your to-do list over the course of a week and it will be more managable. And if it doesn't get done, oh well, there's always tomorrow. On your night off, go sit down, and don't move. If the kids ask you something, say "sorry, it's my night off". Stick to it, they'll get your point. Hang in there! Oh and one more thing, if your husband does something for you, make sure you Thank him profusely, even though he may not thank you for the things you do. Men are stupid and need to be coddled, so suck it up and make sure you let him know how much you appreciate the things he does do. God Bless you R., I do pray that things get better...

You know I have had the same problems...I think most women have :) What really helped is that our therapist gave us a worksheet to do together that listed all "duties" a family would have and we each circled or wrote in what we do. Of course we did this privately and didn't share our thoughts with each other over it. Then we got together (with our therapist) and shared our "results". It was great for both of us to see who did what and we didn't argue over it at all. We were very honest and it helped me a lot. I didn't see how much he did outside of "chores". :) I am not saying this is the case with you and your husband as he may be a lazy-arse but it might be a good thing for you to do if you can get him to do it. It really helped us and I told my sister to try (who is a newlywed) and it helped her also.

I also have a schedule posted as to what gets cleaned on what day. It is too much for me to do the whole house every day so I break it up into different rooms on different days. So, for example, on Mondays I would CLEAN (not man clean) the kitchen and dining room and that is it, on Tuesday I would do the living room and main floor bathroom, etc. I have it posted so my DH can look at it and see what needs to be done instead of me having to "tell" him. Men do better reading a list. I also have another list that I pull out if I am crabby that details what "cleaning" means in each room :)

I hope this helps you a little bit!!

Hi R.,

First off, your older children are old enough to be doing a lot around the house. There is no reason why a 12 y.o. and a 9 y.o. shouldn't be doing things like: the dishes, food prep, sweeping, and cleaning the bathroom. They should also be helping with the laundry. Draft up an age-appropriate chore list for each child, and put it on the refrigerator. Do NOT get caught up in the trap that it is just "easier" to do something yourself. If your children don't do their assigned chores, they need to suffer a consequence: no t.v., no phone, etc.

Is the t.v. on in your house in the evenings? No t.v. until chores are done.

As for your husband, that might be trickier. One thing that works for me is that I set an egg timer for 20 minutes, and EVERYONE has to do chores until the timer goes off. One of us takes out the trash and recycling, another cleans the bathroom. You can end "cleaning time" with something fun, like ice cream or a movie.

All I can say is WOW. I thought I was alone in a fairly similar situation. It's snowing now and there are a TON of leaves still in my yard, there's been no weather-proofing done, etc and he's out and about most evenings after work and on Saturdays, he's sleeping and watching tv, and omg, do NOT ask him for ANYTHING on Sundays! I don't go anywhere (except work) without the boys, and I can't remember the last time I got a break.

I actually had one of those breakdowns two nights ago...told my boys that I quit! I told them that I wasn't going to pick up after them anymore, that if they didn't pick up their clothes and get them in the laundry, they wouldn't have clean clothes to wear to school (said in front of Daddy, who hasn't put HIS in the laundry for over a week!). (I'm not sure if it sunk in that it pertains to him as well, but I think he just ran out of clean jeans.)

The funny thing is, that last night, my 7yo told me that he has posters with rules/chores on them at school and that he and his brother needed one. I think we'll make a project of that this weekend...

A friend of mine at work also gave me an idea that I'm currently trying out (just started last night, got a grunt from dh). She has a list of things that need to be done (other than the daily/routine stuff) on a whiteboard by their door. Her hubby didn't do anything, either, but when he starts seeing things getting checked off (she's doing it), he starts doing some of them. We'll see how that goes...I have my fingers crossed. :)

I also have a chore/behavior chart for each of my boys. This is how they earn/lose money to spend at the school store or on toys, or whatever. They each have to make their beds, take turns doing dishes (I rinse, load, run, and put away the glass stuff), pick up their toys, put their clothes away, have a good attude (no whining or arguing), etc.

The trick is that if you don't have to say anything, and it's done, they get a blue and gold star. If it gets done after you mention it, it's a green smiley face. If they do it, but grumble and you've had to tell them multiple times, it's a yellow straight face. If they don't do it, it's a red frown. My 7yo gets 10 cents per gold star, 5 cents for a green smiley, gets minus 5 cents for the yellow, and minus 10 for the red. The amounts for the 5yo are pennies and nickels. (I currently owe my 7yo about $8, and my 5yo about 20 cents. This is actually an improvement for my 5yo as about a month or so ago, he owed me about 75 cents!)

I'm also planning on using one of the suggestions posted by another mom and posting all the chores I do/need to be done on a daily basis. That way, when things are checked off, or not, and dh or the kids ask me why I'm tired or stressed, I can just point to it. :) (I'm also going to make another sign to go above the lists that says "If Momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!". :) (Quick fyi, Flylady has great lists to get you started in the Control Journal on her website along with pampering missions!) :)

Sorry this is so long, but it helps to get it out and (hopefully) help someone else. :) Good luck! I think I'm going to tell the boys to do their stuff tonight, and after they go to bed, take a nice long bath. :) It's way past time for some ME TIME! I recommend you do the same. :)

Wow. Well. Any advice I could give you would just be suggestions because you certainly have a lot on your plate, and also because my hubby works long shifts and doesn't help out much either!!!! I think it's a guy thing, not that it makes it right.

I think maybe you could chip away at some of the little things, as there is just so much. For example, you could go two ways with the dog - either use the 1-2-3 Magic approach of the "docking system" where you give them, for example, $5/week allowance. Tell them, "Okay, you get $5. And it's your responsibility to feed the dog. If you don't feed the dog, fine, but I dock you 50 cents (or whatever) each time I feed the dog (and buss your dirty dishes, etc) for you." OR you could just say, "Look. This dog is your responsibility. You feed it every day this week to show you can handle the respon. If I feed it more than two days this week, it is going to the humane society." And follow up on it. Tough stuff, I know, but this is beyond a nice request stage - sounds to me like you are at crisis/call-for-help stage.

Another thing is just to let things go that you can't control. And let other people reap their own consequences. For example, if you told hubby to bring that dresser in and he didn't - and he clearly heard and mentally processed the request - maybe I'd just leave it in the rain. One person cannot realistically haul it alone. If it got ruined, fine, he has to buy another one for the family or look at the ruined one for awhile.

A last idea is try to sit hubby down and have a heart-to-heart one more time. No TV, no food, no distractions. Ask him if there is anything he needs, more relaxing time, reminders of his "jobs", maybe a visual chart on the wall? Maybe he really wants to help you out and isn't processing how stressful this all truly is for you. Or, if that doesn't help, maybe try a counseling session with a pastor (free?) or some other counseling professional. Sometimes an outsider telling hubby exactly what you've been saying all along does the trick.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I really can relate, especially about the feeling like a single mom thing! Also, if your finances allow, could you stop taking those additional kids for babysitting? Might help to have less kids around???? Good luck!

So sorry you are going thru this. I can't be alot of help, cause unlike you my husband does all the yard work and house work and i take care of all of our sons needs and do all the shopping and cooking. (Trust me, the roads not always better on the other side, my husbands cleaning drives me crazy and I wish just once he would sit his butt on the couch and not be cleaning or working on something.) But I did find this great website the other day, someone else recommended it to me. It may help get your kids to help out more. I just ordered their free DVD so I can look into it and see if it is something that will keep my son on the helpful road. My son is only 2-1/2, but with your children they are all older and this would probably help out a great deal. Good luck and try not to get too overwhelmed. Just relax and if something doesn't get done so be it, its not going anywhere.

http://www.accountablekids.com/

I think one of the problems with getting husbands and children to do their part is that we as women take too much ownership over the tasks. They are "helping" us or "lightening our load." When we talk like this, every time they do something they are doing us a favor. Everyone should have their own jobs and be completely responsible for their being done well and in a timely fashion. For instance, I don't run the vacuum cleaner, and I don't tell my husband that it needs doing. He sees specks on the carpet and gets out the vacuum. I also don't complain if he doesn't vacuum the way I would. Although when he first started this particular task I explained what the different attachments were for. You need to divvy up the jobs, show them what the result needs to be, and then step back. For the children, set strict consequences if they do not accomplish their work. In the real world, if they don't learn to carry their own weight, they will face much harsher consequences than you will dole out. Don't treat your husband like he is one of the children. Discuss the problem with him and tell him you need him to lead the family. He'll find a solution to the problem if it is his to figure out. If it doesn't work with you there. Take the baby and go visit some relatives for a week. Your husband will find out how much he'd have to do if you were not there.

I know I am late in my response, but I would like to add this because it helped me a lot- and still does. See if there is a MOPS group near you. That is a Mothers of Preschoolers group; they are internationally a Christian-based group, but it varies locally how much religion plays a role (not much in our chapter).

This group will allow you to meet and bond with other moms in similar situations and I have found it has helped me develop a support network of like-minded moms. I do call on them sometimes for support outside of our meetings, but even just knowing there are a bunch of people out there who are really ready and willing to help you in whatever way they can is a huge relief on days when you are reaching your breaking point.

It sounds like you are going through a lot and have reason to be stressed and upset. I guess I would first tell you to stop worrying about getting "everything" done every day. I also have a husband that works late hours. He gets home at 9pm and works 3 Saturdays each month as well, so I have most of the home responsibility. We only have one child right now, with one on the way, so I'm sure it is sooo much harder with several children, but one thing that has helped me was to stop stressing over the house & keeping it clean all during the week. I now do the cleaning every Saturday morning and it only takes 1 1/2 - 2 hours total. It is so much easier then trying to get everything done throughout the week. Do you have to have your part-time job? It would be nice if you had a break on the weekend rather then going somewhere else to clean/work. Also, it sounds like your children are old enough to help with the chores. Have you seen those magnetic Responsibility Charts at Target, Toys R US, Learning Post, etc...I would suggest getting one and having the children help with dishes, feeding the dog, dusting, etc...and if they don't help then they should be disciplined. By letting it go when they fail to do their chores because it is easier, you are only hurting them and yourself. Lastly, on the fact that your husband doesn't help at all, have you expressed how you are feeling without anger? By telling him that you really truly need his help? It is sad that he seems to leave everything up to you, but maybe if you have a serious conversation with him it might help.

Good luck and breathe!

I feel your pain! I struggle to get my husband to help around the house too, he also works long hours and doesn't really want to do anything but sit in front of the TV and watch football. I finally sat down with my husband and my daughter and told them both that even though he works all day long he doesn't have to do it all on his own. Why should I? My daughter now does her own laundry and cleans the kitchen every night after supper. It is also her job to feed and water the dogs, as well as empty the cat boxes, I remind her that the pets can not take care of themselves and they need our help to take care of them, I also remind her (daily) that the pets will be taken care of before any of us will eat. I even went on strike for a whole month, I made sure that the house didn't fall in disrepair, but I stopped doing all the extras, it didn't take long for my husband to get fed up and start helping out! As for my daughter? I still remind her to do her chores daily but she has found out what happens when you don't do your laundry!!!

Good morning, R.! I sure do feel for you! I hope this message finds you at least a little less stressed, but from the sounds of your post, I doubt it! *smile* My suggestion is to let your husband read the request you submitted to mamasource! You've explained everything succinctly, and if we can all get it and have an outpouring of sympathy, why wouldn't he? Tell him to read it! You even manage to convey how hard he works and how much you love him.

I raised all 8 of my children practically by myself because I gave them chores when they were pretty young. First it was small things like lining shoes up and putting dirty clothes in the hamper and toys in the toy box. Then it went to helping sort laundry and vacuuming. Then it went to sweeping the floor and helping with the dishes. By the time they are teenagers, they could straighten a whole house by cleaning their rooms, doing their laundry, straightening up and vacuuming the living room, sweeping the floor and washing the dishes, folding laundry and putting it away, and mundane duties like mating socks and putting groceries away. The older kids also had to keep an eye on the younger kids once in a while. My oldest son even learned to put a mean meat loaf together! I wish I could say that they did all of these things without complaint, but it was no easy task. There was ALOT of reminding and I had to use my "death look" occasionally, but it was all done. I have three sons who can clean up after themselves, and I told them they would need these skills when they were out on their own so they wouldn't have to depend on anyone else.

I only have five at home now but I'm proud to say that if I felt like I had too much on my plate at a given moment, I have two capable teens and a pre-teen at home who could easily whip it into shape! (The other two are a year-old set of twins and you all know how that goes, they get the run of the house! No cleaning for them. YET. *lol*) Take care, sweetie! Please keep us posted. We are all very concerned and really want some relief for you. Good luck!!

Dear R.,
You're not dumping on anyone. I'm glad you wrote in. You are a normal person in an abnormal situation and you are trying to figure out why you feel so lousy about it. If you suspect you are doing the majority of the work, you are right. In addition to your "work", being a mother is one of the most emotionally, physically, and mentally-demanding careers out there...and the work is it's own reward. At least it's supposed to be its own reward...having an unsympathetic partner turns it into a punishment and that's why I think you are feeling so badly about things. I am going to make some suggestions, and hopefully they can give you something to look forward to.

There are three things that come to mind: 1.dishes 2.dogs
3. yardwork

Using paper plates and plastic silverware for each meal (except supper) and snack may not be very good for the environment but is good for your immediate survival. I suggest buying some paper plates, dixie cups, and picnic silverware and napkins so you do not have a huge amount of dishes to do three times a day.

Another item to consider is having dogs. I do not have dogs and I am horrified at the thought of adopting any EVER because I would have to do things like:
-treat them for fleas
-pick ticks off them
-let them in the house (I don't believe in making dogs sleep outside with extremely cold temperatures)
-let them out to go poop
--and pick up that poop (disgusting subcategory)
-and feeding them which is quite expensive.
I think for the annual price of taking care of more than one dog, you could afford hiring someone to mow your lawn and shovel your sidewalk. Oh yes, I forgot about veterinarian bills$$$. I know some people are emotionally attached to their dogs, and that is why they keep them, but unless your husband can dig deep down and find some brave, noble reason to help you--his wife--then some things are going to need to change so you are able to get your work done. After all, a lot of the work you are doing at your household is stuff my husband insists on doing because he knows I've got my work cut out for me on the inside of the home.

Also, make sure you keep talking to people about your feelings. They (your feelings) are important. You can get through this. It won't always be like this. Talk to your husband and let him choose which job(s) he is willing to assist you with. Oh yes, and I have heard that sticker charts with earned rewards actually do work with grown men. That may be a fresh approach to dealing with your husband. Good luck! I hope things get better R.!!

My DH and step son didn't help either- then about once a year I would have a break down and cry and have a fit becasue I was so exhausted.they would help for a couple weeks and stop. Only I worked 45hours a week outside of the home as well, and drove 100 round trip each day to work. So my time at home was way limited. My first suggestion is to get a dishwasher- I won't live without one again. My DH finally got to where he would unload the dishwasher for me nightly- simple minor thing but it was HUGE to me and I told him so. Oh, and things weren't put in the right place- but I opted to not look a gift horse in the mouth- he was helping and that's what mattered
I finally quit doing stuff around the house too- and DH realized that he needed to pitch in some- mind You, we are divorced now- and constantly tells me he's sorry for not doing more- and he knows how hard i worked to keep our home. I suggest doing things while he's home- like bringing the dresser in- "hey honey, could you help me with this??" After dinner, ask your kids to clear the table for you-every night. there is no reason they can't help out. But men and kids are the same in that they need constant reminders or they just won't remember to do it- so ask for their help daily, I hope that helps you!

Hi R.
One of the ways I get my husband to do things is by puting up a chart of ALL the things that need to be done in a day and then ask him if he can pick some of them to do. He kind of made it a game and tried to put his name by more things than me and relized how much there is to do. Also each of my children have a chore chart and if they do not do there chores they lose tv time. It also works because then they can also see what needs to be done instead of waiting for you to tell them when they are in the middle of something else. If this doesent work then I would go on strike for a day or two and see if they respond to that. Good Luck and hang in there. T.

Your 3 oldest boys are more than old enough to help you out and have set chores for every day, not just on Wednesday.

Set up a schdule for dishes, laundry (they can fold if you do not trust them washing), garbage, dog, cleaning,wathching the little ones when you are working etc. It is their house too & it will help them learn responsibility & how to help out thier own spouses when they grow up. It is never too young to start. My 3 year old already feeds the dog every morning & helps to do dishes. Although it sometime is more work to help them when young it is worth it in the long run when they learn responsibility so young.

If they balk at the chores take away priviledges. Or tie the competetion to their allowences if you give them. Perhaps watching the boys step up to help will also help DH step up to the plate.

As far as DH's behavior, I find that to get mine to help out more I need to approach the subject as emotionlessly as possible other wise he resports the age old male response of 'stop being such a nag'. Reason seems to work best for him & also letting him now that I am not his maid & of he wants some things donehe needs to do it himself. If he leave sonething lying around & I ask him to put it away more than 3 times it goes. I also will not do his laundry for him ( & will not let him do mine after he started washing delicates with jeans & drying sweaters in the dryer. after i started replacing items he decided it was much cheaper to not just through everything in the wash together).

Your DH may have a physical job but it is much less physical than taking care of small children & running a house all day (which is much longer than 8-12 hours.)

Keep up the Wednesday night as your night & do not let the family intrude unless absolutely necessary. If you have to leave the house, do it. I also strongly recommend finding another mother's group, or other support group or even just a hobby outside of the house & taking making another time avaiable to you. The more time DH spends taking complete care of the house & kids the more he will undertand how hard you work.

If at all possible I would also suggest getting away for a couple days & leave DH alone with the rest of the fam (take dd with you the boys whould be enough to keep dad busy). It will give you time to relax & him a chance to better see what you are dealing with on a day to day basis.

Good luck!

Ok, first off, I will pray for you to find the daily strength to make it, just one day at a time. That's all you need. Then, I'm going to pray that one day soon in the future, you will look back on this dresser in the rain story, and laugh. The day will come soon enough. And, last, I'm going to point something out that I wish someone would've told me so many years ago. You mention dropping out of your church mom's group because you're the youngest, by far. Friends/mentors/helpers exist in all age groups. An older mom would love to help you out, since she's been there. I wish more churches had a young mom/older mom hook-up, to help young moms like you, and keep things in perspective for you. I am an older mom, and I've had to "push" myself on young moms, to say, "hey, I can help, don't discount me because I'm older and my kids are teenagers." I have the time, and desire, to help. Fortunately, I have met 2 younger moms, who did accept my help. It keeps them sane, and fills my time while my older kids are in school. Do not write us older moms off, because we've been down your road before, and we want to help. So, please keep your heart and mind open to having an older friend...one that would love to have your little ones for a few hours a week...maybe you could even approach your church and ask about them starting a mom mentoring group like this. That's all, good luck, if I were there, I'd help you out. I love little ones....just because we have a few wrinkles, and some out of style shoes, doesn't mean we don't have a need for friends, too.

Oh, R., my heart goes out to you! Just KNOW that your expectations that your hubby contribute are RIGHT. Your hubby's job might be tiring and have long hours but my hubby works very hard too but HE feels that we are a team and does all he can to help out. I have to tell him that it's okay to relax a little bit!
Expecting your hubby to help out is NOT feministic or selfish! I am appalled at such advice! We don't expect our husbands to work a 24 hour day, why should the expectation be that WE should work 24 hours a day?
I agree with giving your children jobs but your hubby can have household jobs too. Ask him to help you. Ask him what jobs he can do on a daily basis to help him out and then EXPECT him to do them. Absolutely don't make him feel like one of the children but for the love of all that's holy does it take a man that long to move a dresser or take out the trash?????
Women are not drones that must work ourselves to the bone because that our "job". Men are totally capable of picking up around the house, spending quality time with the kids and cooking dinner. After all, they take breaks at work, each lunch at their lesiure and only have to look after themselves.
Give yourself a break and expect your hubby to do the same!
You are a precious, valuable woman and a gift to your family!
ps. Remember you are a TEAM with parenting. He needs to help you out.

I have/had the same problem...

I won't let anyone go to bed until the important things are done and they know this, they also know I turn into super btch if they don't help. They know if they do help I'm a happy mom and we all get to bed early.

I also try and give them a heads up... like, I'll say by this weekend I expect this or that DONE!

If you have health insurance, marriage counseling is covered under most policies. I recommend going as a couple...but if he balks, there is great value in you going alone.

If this isn't a possiblity, see if the pastor at your church can help direct you to someone within the church who can help.

Unfortunately, I suspect somewhere in the beginning of the relationship, you didn't set clear expectations of how you wanted things to be. In the beginning sometimes we overlook problems that seem very little or insignificant, only for them to become big problems later.

If hubby came from a home where the woman did everything...his mom treated him like a kid until he left home...you're going to have your work cut out for you! Especially if in the beginning of the relationship you facilitated this, but it later became too overwhelming when the kids came along.

I'm sure he loves you. He probably doesn't see there is a problem...and probably thinks because you are home, that your "work" is easy to handle. Does he spend much one on one time with the boys? What are his expectations of them? Is he teaching them that you and any future woman in their life will take care of everything?

As the boys get older, this dynamic will become more problematic for you. There will be a big divide in the house unless you can work with your husband now, and help him to understand that while you are home with the kids and this is your full-time job, you are both parents of these kids and have equal share in raising them and teaching them how to be well-rounded adults. And that means HE needs not only to be pulling some weight around the house, but he also needs to help you with the older kids by enforcing the rules, and making sure they help with cleaning and other things that need to be done.

Complicated stuff, and I've been there! My husband comes a big family of all boys. We have all boys. Before the kids I didn't think it was a big deal to do all the laundry and pamper him. I thought it was romantic. If he didn't help with DIY projects around the house, I just thought it was an opportunity to learn how to fix a toilet or rewire something. I didn't realize I was setting myself up for trouble later, because somehow in doing all those things, I thought when the kids came he'd help and then some.

We never talked about these very important things before we married...at least not the way we should have. It was very surfacy. We needed counseling and about 1 and 1/2 years worth to prevent us from divorcing...PLUS... marriage guidance through our church.

It was well worth it. We couldn't have worked through these issues on our own. Today (we've been married 9 and 1/2 years now) we're stronger and better than ever. AND he helps with everything and often without being asked. Our kids are better for it, and also contributing. We are a very happy family now.

With that said, I think you'll get lots of suggestions to find a moms group, or some outside activity to help you connect with others, and to help you out of your slump.

I think if you can heal the hurts of your marriage, you will achieve family unity, and will find you don't need to join a mom support group or will you really want to share precious time with others than your family. I think you're just in a bad spot right now. I have friends that went the route of joining a moms group only to become more resentful and bitter. I think sometimes while you might think you're finding support you might actually find bitter, "frenemies" who will be all to happy to "help" you sabatage your own happiness so they won't be alone.

I say find a way to heal your family first and then seek friends and whatnot later.

I'm not saying don't seek time for yourself. You are right, you do need time to re-energize yourself. If you have family in town like a sister or mom, ask them to watch the kids so you can have time to yourself rather than relying on your husband at this time.

If you have no relatives, see if someone at church or a local school has a babysitter they can recommend. Do find a craft, hobby, or even start exercising. If you're spiritual, prayer does wonders. In the interim of getting some outside help, there are lot's of great books that might help. Go to www.christianbook.com and type in marriage counseling and you'll have a good place to start. Not all of the books are from the Christian perspective, some are secular, but all are very good and it's a good selection.

I hope the best for you. This is tough stuff.

R., It sounds like your family has elected you CEO of the house. For starters, learn to delegate. The 12, 9 and 8 year olds should be doing most of the chores. You are really doing them a diservice by not making them know their task, start their task and complete their task. They won't function well when they are adults, if they can't complete normal every day household chores. You are actually raising them to be exactly like your husband. You need to start a chore chart (you can print them online). The 12 year old needs to be the one cutting the grass and shoveling (he is actually old enough to start a little business shoveling or cutting grass in the neighborhood)...MAKE him do it. It will be a process, but you HAVE to make him. The 9 year old should take out the garbage every day. The 8 year old can empty the dishwasher. Make sure they all know their job and make them complete it. Start a boot camp of sourts. You have to retrain them now (their future wives will appreciate it!). Have them get up, make their beds, eat breakfast, clean their dishes, do their chore and get ready for school. Start with your kids, when your husband sees his kids doing work, he may start too. Good luck!

I have 3 kids ages 13, 10, and 2. I was feeling very overwhelmed so I made a rule in the house - all chores need to be done by 7pm or no electronics until 7pm the next night - if the chores is done at that point. The kids complained VERY loudly the first time they lost them, but now we rarely need to remind them. One of our kids does laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away), the other does dishes (rinse, load dishwasher, empty) plus each has a pet to feed/water daily.

You are not doing the older kids any good by doing everything for them. They need to learn how to do chores so they are self-sufficient when they leave the house. Unfortunately, it sounds like your mother-in-law didn't do that for your husband. I would tell him he either needs to start helping out more with stuff in the evening, or you are going to start hiring someone to come in and do the cleaning so you have time to relax also.

I agree with the person who said tell the kids you will get rid of the dog if they don't help with that. I know it seems harsh, but its just one more thing for you to take care of.

Depending on where you live, I'd be more than happy to come help out when I can so you can take some time for yourself. My husband still doesn't help out all the time, but he is better.

Another thing, check out http://www.flylady.net. It may help you get things in order.

I like the idea of a chart.

I used to have a chart where everyone had a chore or two every single day. I tried to make it so that the chores that took a while, especially for our 10-year old, were towards the weekend instead of a week day. I did not want to take away from school work.

The chart was great! The chores that need to be done in a regular basis like dishes, were always present and they were someone's responsibility, regardless of the day; and I did not have to say anything, it was there for all to see.

Our 10-year old loved it. Every day he would come home and would go straight to the chart to see what his duties were for the day. I brought it down to change it (improve it) and never went back up... house has been upside down since.

I do have the new chart paper and everything just have not taken the time to do it.

The difference between you and me is that somewhere along the line I gave up. I gave up! My home is not a home and I just let it be because I was going crazy and getting into a lot of fights with my hubby. Recently my husband took a look around and sighed. Then he looked at me and said "I think I finally understand what you mean when you say you get overwhelmed". In your case letting go isn't really an option because you babysit other kids besides your own, but I wanted you to know that some of us do know exactly what you are talking about. Another reason you may not want to let it go is once the mess takes root, your feelings of sadness will be even stronger.

I'm glad to hear that your meds are helping you some.

Do talk to your husband again. Tell him how much you appreciate the things he does already but that you still need more help from him and the boys. You have 3 boys that are perfectly capable of helping around the house, perhaps you could ask your husband to "gather the troops" or use some other phrase he can identify with so that you get him to organize the boys. Men do like to be the knight in shining armor... they just need a little help sometimes.

And yes, if you need to be tough, be tough with the kids (with your husband's support). Whatever you say the consequence will be if the chore isn't done, follow thru with it. And remember to praise the boys when they do help out... even if it's their responsibility, they still need to know someone appreciates their help!

Good luck! Keep your chin up! Listen to peppy, high-energy music!

I understand where you're coming from. I've been feeling the same way. I finally had it and wrote my husband an email. I did this so I could choose my words carefully and wouldn't get interrupted by him before I could get how I was feeling out(that tends to happen when we discuss/fight about something). After he read it, he said he understands and he's been noticing some of the things as well. He's been working on fixing some of the things and the last week now life has been a little better. He works A LOT of hours (50 hours from Monday to Thursday this week) and usually isn't home until after the kids are in bed, but he'll be looking for a different job this winter. You really need to sit down with your husband and both come up with what will work for your family.
Remember, you're not alone! Definitely find a close friend you can talk to and trust...try reconnecting with some of your old friends, too, as that helps a lot! :)

I discovered Discipline with Love and Logic. And it has helped save my sanity. www.loveandlogic.com

It sounds like you are totally overwhelmed, overworked, and underappreciated, and that your husband is probably feeling the same way too.

You are the woman of the household, and everyone knows that the Mommy sets the tone for the entire house. So just to clarify, I am pointing that out with the express intent to EMPOWER you, not pick on you.

I know that you've got a busy day and life, but I would second Erica's post below and really recommend reading Dr Laura Schlessinger's book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"--particularly Chapters 2 and 3. You may want to check your local library. Often the public library has the book via paper or audio book (which might be easier--you can listen while you shower, drive, or cook).

She has a lot of wonderful stories and techniques for how to get him to do what you ask and how to increase the bond between husband and wife. (FYI: I try to read this book at least once a year, and it has made a HUGE difference for us--we are both MUCH happier, balanced, and fulfilled people, which is good for us and children!)

I have found that by remebering the points that Dr. Laura talks about, my husband takes better care of me and nourishes my soul when I remember to nourish his. And the house is clean. Everyone wins!

*Chassidy

I don't think you are going to get your husband to help out long term. I've been married 19 years and my husband does not clean.
You are in a phase right now. It will pass. Really! It seems never-ending, but it isn't.
A few things that helped me:
I got my husband to take vacation and I left. I flew off to my mom's house and spent 6 glorious days with NO kids. My husband was going to "set the standard" and homeschool every day, not eat fast food, keep the house clean. It didn't happen. He was in a depression when I got back. They didn't school once. They didn't clean AT ALL. They didn't eat fast food, they went to IHOP instead. LOL But I got a break and he got a dose of my life. He much prefers work.

I also realized that for now, the housework was not as important as my sanity. I didn't, and don't stress to vacuum and mop daily. And if I am really stressed, who cares about the dishes? Let them sit, they will be there tomorrow. I lowered my standards.

I do NOT do the outdoor work, however. I let my husband know that I will not nag about the housework, but he HAS to take care of the outside work. Period.

As my children got older, life got easier. I still let the house get messy. The kids will be grown and gone one day, and the house will be clean then, right now I need to be their mom, and hopefully a sane one.

I also am very, very firm about having once a month Ladies Night Out. I have it at the church and everyong brings a food to share and we play games and talk, sometimes until 2am. It is all church ladies. And of various age groups. It helped me to make friends! I have 3 very best friends for life after starting that, and they are not all my age. One is younger, one close to my age and one nearly my mom's age!

I also make sure to have something else for me monthly, too. I go to a stamp club. It is like a rubber stamp party, but we have a contract to go every month. I get lots of stamps and make cards for fun. I can work on it any time, too.

Find a hobby. It will help. You can learn knitting pretty inexpensively. There is a teach yourself kit at Walmart for $10. Or you can learn online for free, just get the needles and yarn. You can make dish clothes, fun for yourself, great for your house, and great for gifts! They are easy to make, and inexpensive. You can knit while the kids play. It really helps relieve stress, too.

I found that my husband is more willing to help if I ask him to HELP me wash the dishes, then we can talk, too. So occassionally that works. It gets done faster and you get time together, which also helps raise the spirits.

I hope some of this helps you. Just remember that this WILL pass.

I have been there. You really need to get the older boys to help you out. They won't be perfect, but it will do. My 12, 9. and 6 year olds. Do the dishes, take out the trash, vacuum, mow the lawn, scoop the snow, sweep floors, dust, clean up toys and rooms. I cook so I refuse to do the dishes. My husband and the kids do that. We clean the bathroom every Thursday. One child takes the tub and shower. One takes the sink, the youngest helps me with the toilet and floor. We all fold clothes together. I can plop a big basket down in front of the TV with them and we all fold and during a commercial they put them away. We do a lot of ten minute cleanings. We set the timer for ten minutes and clean as fast as we can to see how much we can get done in ten minutes.

I did it all until I got pregnant with this baby. I used to think I had to do it all, but when I got pregnant the doctor said i had better slow down. We have lost two little ones and my family has really pitched in to help with this one. I have realized how capable my children are. They really can work around the house. I home school all my children and take care of a few extras so thing get stressful at times. Having my children help out is good for all of us.

just to help you feel like you are not alone, i have similar problems some of time. i know about asking for help and not getting it. i guess for me i figured out that i can't help anyone if i don't take time for myself. i sometimes only get a few minutes but i take time to breath each day.

as for your husband tell him to step up and be the partner that you married him to be. you deserve his help and that of your older kids. i find that i get more help if i persist rather than doing it myself. I will pray that you will have the opportunity to breathe and that your "partner" not your owner will begin to help you. take care, M.