How Do I Keep Being Supportive?

I think you need a break.
Leave him home with the kids for a long weekend. You leave on Friday and come back on Sunday night after bed time.
Go visit a friend you haven't seen in a while or go visit a relative. Don't do the cooking or cleaning before you leave. Just walk out the door. Let him deal.
He needs to know how hard it is to be the parent... You've done it all... he needs to do it all for a weekend (that's all it will take, trust me!)
Call to say good night to everyone, but don't be solving his problems on the phone... you know?
YMMV
LBC

I don't have much advice, but I do have to say that I really admire you for what you are doing for your family. Being strong isn't easy, but without you, your kids and your husband would fall apart for sure.

Being a teacher isn't easy either, but it's one of the most important jobs out there.

You have qualities that are rare and special. I can only say that maybe you should take some time for just you? Tell your husband you are taking one hour to do ____ (fill in the blank) and then let him watch the kids. Take an art class, try yoga...whatever makes you happy. I take a hip hop dance class.

If you were carrying a huge rock up a hill it would be hard to do it continuously. But if you could set it down for a little while and rest it would make picking it up and walking some more easier. Perhaps setting down the burden of caring and supporting your family just for a short period of time would help?

HUGS! You're amazing! Your family is lucky to have you!

I feel like the word "supportive" is over-used in a marriage and almost forced upon us as a manipulation. If you are not seen as always supportive then you are viewed as uncaring. (for instance - big difference - but I know someone who wants to stop taking his medications for a mental illness and wants the wife to be supportive of him - but this means her life is going to get turned upside down. His quote to her was, "don't walk in front of me, don't walk behind me, but walk beside me." I have a real problem with that because it's a manipuation of her to force her to go along with something that isn't right).

In your case you are being asked to give up yourself completely and manage the family while your husband deals with stuff. You are bending over backward to keep the family together and it is stressing you out beyond belief (you can hear it in your tone). And you are expected to keep all that inside or else be seen as unsupportive.

Instead of support. . .why not term it as mutual respect. You respect that he is going through a stressful time and he respects that a lot of the family responsibility is falling on you. Talk about it. . .everyone is suggesting you go away for a spa weekend or a weekend alone, but in the end you come back to the same problems, plus the added charges to your credit card for your "time off" which adds more stress and resentment from him. I don't think that is the answer. I think you need some time with your husband without the kids around to interrupt. . . do a low cost date night (again to keep from adding stress to the finances) and just talk about what is bothering you both and try to come up with creative solutions together to resolve the stress.

It is a stressful time for many couples right now due to the economy and the way to ease the stress is to go at it together. If one person takes on more of the burden then the resentment and anger can grow. If you talk openly about it frequently then it is much easier to manage.

Good luck!

I would suggest you get a specific time to yourself that you and your husband
can agree to, like every thursday night is moms night to do what ever. That was a life saver for us. My husband has the same thing. Good luck

Sit down and talk to him about this. He probably needs to talk to you too. It sounds like both of you are trying to deal with your problems alone, instead of realizing that, together you can handle more. Don't try to be a one woman show here, seek his support, even if you think he doesn't need to hear anymore problems. Maybe he doesn't really know how you feel, since you say you've been trying to be the "strong one". Not everyone is strong all the time, and a good talking and crying spell, can make you even stronger!

I think my husband and I have some similar communication issues. I had similar feelings of too much to do, not being a good mom, etc,. Ironically, I too am a part time teacher. In January, after a few times of serious crying episodes over the previous 6 weeks, I decided to go to counseling. During the course of counseling so far, my husband and I have had some really good talks about sharing the responsibilities and he is truly helping out more and being supportive. We don't have the issue of him losing his job, but we do have the issue of him working too much. I also learned through counseling...that I can ask for help. Start with an "I statement" and then a reasonable request. ie. "Hon, I have a staff meeting before school today and really need to get out of here with the kids by 7, could you make their pb+j lunches?" It helps at work, too. I finally asked for help with something...as teachers, we work in isolation too much.... It's freeing...and people help...and it feels good. Probably the other good piece of advice I got from my counselor was to make time for regular exercise....amazing how you feel like you don't have the time, but it gives you the energy to do those other things that you have to do (like laundry and washing the kitchen floor like I'm doing today on my day off!!) Good luck, J.. Keep us posted on how it goes.

Sorry for your stressful stituation. Firstly you need to take time for yourself. I'm personally horrible at this but I find when I do it I am so much happier and more relaxed and able to handle more things. A bike ride after work - leave the kids in daycare the extra 1/2 hour if need be. A soak in the bath tub, have your husband take the kids to the park and you have the whole house to yourself for 2 hours. Go for a 'girls night out' with your friends. These kinds of things tend to regenerate the soul and engery. Find something that works for you.

If you are still having stress issues I would suggest calling your doctor and getting the name of a therapist you can talk to. It's not easy but keeping it inside makes things worse. You need to talk to someone and vent or get ways to cope with the situation.

Good luck,
L. M

Well, I'm sorry you're feeling stretched thin. We've certainly all been there. What if you ask your husband for specific help? I know it feels like you shouldn't have to, but guys can be dense and self-absorbed. (We love 'em anyway.) It has helped me in the past to think of what would help me recharge a little, like a couple hours to myself out of the house and ask for help with the kids so you can go that. Think about what you need and ask for your husband's help. You can be supportive while asking for him to be supportive of you too. Good luck with everything.

It's ok to cry. Many of thethings you are going through cause stress and tears are cleansing of the stress hormones. A good cry is so beneficial. I see that you are being supportive to everyone in your family, but who do you have to support you? Is there a friend you can turn to? If not. is there a support group of people in your shoes? I have also gone to a counselor in the past when we were under these kinds of stresses. Time for yourself is crucial.

Look, I know what you are going through! I have been supporting my family for almost 7 years now. When my husband and I got marrried he desided to quit his two jobs and go down a different route for work. He did great for the first year then nothing. I was the only one bring in the money and it sucks and it is hard BUT I have kids and I have to do what is best for them. If Iwould have know this is how it was going to be I would have never gotten married let alone had kids with him. But I did and there are days I want to push him out the door and there are days where I can't take it any more or just plain don't ant to take it any more. I can't tell you what to do other then live your life day by day and think possitive thoughts. yeah easy to say and hard to do I know but the only one that can make you happy is you. You never know he may find his drean job after you leave or throw in the towel. It sounds like there are way more problems then this and this is what might brake the camels back. Good luck and hey if you ever need a good laugh check out my blog. themoderndaywonderwoman.blogspot.com

i'm not going to add much more to what others have said already, but i am a firm believer in self-care above all else (a lesson learned late in life-- and one i need to relearn from time to time). i am also a firm believer in therapy (and not just because i am a therapist)-- it is amazing to have one hour (a week, every other week) to talk to another adult who you don't have to take care of. an hour to yourself, to figure out how to best take care of yourself. one other piece of advice: tell your husband that you feel like you have to "freak out" to be heard. ask him if that is true on his end-- does he need to see you "freak out" to listen to you?

i am sending you encouragement-- you are brave to write in and ask for help!

Do you have a relative or friend you can confide in and vent about frustration to outside the marriage? Sometimes it really helps to have that best friend who isn't going to ask why you stay with the sucker because she gets his value and understand that you still need to let off steam sometimes.

If you don't have a person like that in your life, try journaling to yourself for a bit. Sometimes it helps you unravel the stress and even come up with a good idea now and then.

From one Pollyanna to another, if you can minimize the things you do not have to do. After a recent bout with uterine cancer I had a chance to really look at my life and while who knows any exact causes, all this stress will definitely not be good for your life. I subbed for about 14 years and am a teaching assistant. And then at home I took on everything that is possible. Cleaning, book keeping, care of the children, etc. You know and so on. I went to school in between to become a paralegal (never got a paralegal job but killed myself to get great grades). My husband's father is in a coma in another country, he lives on the phone with his family (hence huge phone bills) and he sends them money all the time. And I find that makes our lives financially difficult at times as I gave up so much and he gives it away because his family members do not work. Funny thing is that they didn't work before this financial crisis happened. Well, this is the thing. I cannot do much about him, or my children, or anyone but me. so I began to see I better let up on me and take care of me. Eliminate that which does not to be done. If you are an ironer then stop and have wrinkles once in awhile. Vent to us all you want but in the meantime spoil yourself with walks and baths and books from the library - all free. Eat right, but treat yourself sometimes. And it will get better believe me. Despite your lack of religion, God is definitely there for you.

Your situation seems more magnified than most right now, so crying and freaking out do seem acceptable right now! The theme of your husband not knowing what you are doing, or what he can do is not an unusual "man" thing. We use a big dry erase board for all of our to do list. It is his stuff, my stuff, and never going to get done stuff (I put win the lottery on all the time), but it helps my husband see just how much stuff needs to get done around the house. Men are more concrete, and do well with lists. Hints are useless, and wanting him to help is not as helpful as letting him know how he can help. Hope things improve for you soon, it is hard when everything falls apart at the same time in life!

You HAVE been supportive but that doesn't mean you don't have any needs. These are family crises and they affect you as well as your husband and the kids. The job loss affects YOU financially and emotionally, and will also put more pressure on you next year in the form of increased hours. That will pull you away from the kids, the house, your husband, etc. Your MIL's illness affects you too (as the DIL, not just as the wife), as well as the kids (depending on their ages and level of awareness). They certainly feel their father's distance and preoccupation.

So I would say to address this as a series of FAMILY issues or MARRIAGE issues that affect more than just your husband. I agree that a long weekend would be fantastic for you, and if he's not working, he has the time to cope just as you have been. Go see your mom if she will pamper you, go see a girlfriend or an old roommate or a cousin - anyone at least 2 hours away. Don't just see it as a break for you - see it as a chance for your husband to really have some great bonding time with the kids and really be "present" for them. He's been preoccupied and distracted, understandably, but he needs them as much as they need him. His siblings can take care of their mom for that weekend. And I agree you shouldn't do all the work ahead of time like get the laundry done and make all the meals. Just GO. He can take the kids to the supermarket and run a few loads of clothes. It will even make him feel competent! One thing that happens when someone loses a job is that they feel rejected or useless or that they aren't contributing - you both need to see a dad-kid weekend as really ego-building.

Therapy is a wonderful option as well - it draws attention to your needs and helps you develop strategies for coping and moving forward. Again, he has the time to let you do this for yourself. Assuming he has medical benefits thru COBRA if you don't have benefits thru your part-time job, then visits will be covered. Ask friends or your physician for a referral to someone who accepts your insurance.

And lower your expectations in other areas - so what if the beds aren't made or the bookshelves aren't dusted?

Besides the fact that YOU need to be restored, aren't your husband and kids entitled to a wife/mom who is strong and rested and not depressed? You shouldn't need to freak out to get attention. There is a whole field called "respite care" which deals with the needs of caregivers (often the spouses or children of elderly or chronically ill people but also people in your circumstances) - they burn out trying to give give give. They need love and care too.

Be good to yourself. It's the best thing you can do for everyone concerned.

I don't have much to add to what others say, but I just want you to know that others do feel for you and what you are going through. Some things that have helped me---cry if you feel like crying. Cry in the shower (if you need privacy and don't want to upset the kids.) Acknowledge, at least to yourself or to a friend, that you are angry. One thing that has helped me immensely to vent was to write out all my thoughts, my complaints, and why I was angry. Record it daily in a notebook.

I agree with the posts that said:

1. It's OK--even good!--to cry. You should acknowledge your feelings.

2. Find someone that you can talk to about this, exclusively about these feelings. I suggest someone neutral that can give you coping mechanisms for specific things that happen or that affect you. Also, ideally someone that you don't have to then reciprocate and listen to about his/her issues. If that is a counselor or just a friend who is able to leave things 'at the door' when you all are together (some people are amazingly able to do that).

3. Give your kids lots of hugs!!! Ask them for smiles, hugs, kisses, and ask them to put on music and dance for you. Or to draw you pictures. Have them cheer you up. Then put them to work. :-) I don't know their ages but whatever they are they can probably do something to help out at home and lighten the burden. Take the joy they have.

All my best to you.