Help! Hubby Is NOT Turning Out to Be What I Had First Thought.

First off, you should never try to keep it together for the kids sake.Have you tried talking to him and telling him how you feel and how HE makes the kids feel.does he know the kids are afraid of him. Maybe you should try counseling before leaving.

Why did you marry him in the first place? Seriously. People don't change overnight, so this behavior was present in some form before you said "I Do".

Second, there is a really good chance that your marriage has been falling apart for a very long time and this is his way of dealing with it. You are essentially having an affair. That would certainly put me on edge too.

If you fear for the safety of your children, leave now. Go to a shelter or somewhere with some protection. This "magical" appearance of your ex should have nothing to do with this situation. You cannot pick-up 5 children and move them across the country for someone. That is an immature and irresponsible consideration.

You are also not hiding anything from anyone. Your husband knows that something is going on, I promise. Your children, at least the older children, know that something is going on.

Be an adult and either make the decision to work on your marriage (sounds like neither of you are making an effort) or decide to leave. Either way be prepared for the consequences and long-term fall out. It sounds like you want someone to tell you that the affair is okay, but that's just not going to happen here.

First off, you need to forget about this high school sweetheart business. If you had a happy home situation, would you even be tempted by this other guy? Probably not, which is why you need to see this attraction for what it is: a symptom, an escapist fantasy. You have a home and family situation tht needs your attention. Taking care of current business needs to be your 100% priority, and daydreaming about the past will only prevent you from handling it with grace and with your head held high, which is what your kids need from you. Period.

Second, you said your husband used to be good with the kids. So what changed? Did he get a new job, or a promotion, demotion, different work responsibilities? Have there been lots of layoffs at his work that have him concerned about the future or taking on too much more? If he has had a drastic change in his behavior, you need to sort out what changed. Talk to him. Tell him that you are concerned that he is under a tremendous amount of pressure and it is affecting your home life and you want to sort out what has changed and how you can handle it together. Try counseling. If he won't go, you should go by yourself to help you sort stuff out.

And, for your children's sake, if you leave your husband, don't run into the arms of someone else. You need time to stand on your own and sort your own life out. Jumping into a relationship with someone else will only put your children lower on your priority list whether you want to see it that way or not.

Sorry if this is harsh, it is a huge pet peeve of mine when people allow fantasies to interfere with their real life.

Hi K.,

How long has your husband's interaction or lack of interaction with the children been an issue? Have you tried to address it with your husband? If so, what have you tried? Have either of you gone for counseling, or have you tried going as a couple? I was married to my ex for ten years. I lost many nights' sleep agonizing over whether to stay or not. When I finally decided to leave, I was sure that the marriage was not salvageable in any way and I have not looked back---BUT---I needed to know that I really tried, because I knew that I would otherwise have regret for leaving before trying, because I really did not want my children to go through the divorce of their parents unless it was necessary. I am a child of divorce, so I know how children are affected.

Positioning yourself so that you can leave is not a bad idea, cannot hurt and helps you keep your options open, especially if you have decided that you are done with the marriage. Now, about your high school sweetheart, just a few thoughts: a) when someone is an ex, there is usually a reason; b) it is easy to idealize him now, because he is 2500 miles away and you are vulnerable at this time; c) I have found that getting myself involved in a relationship (even a long-distance one) when I have not really ended or worked through the issues of one I am currently in tends to do more harm than good---both to myself and to my children.

Just some thoughts. Take them or discard them as you see fit.

J.

I felt for you but felt really bad for your husband.He is losing his children and a wife with this kind of behavior.Working and provide FINANCIALLY for your wife and kids is not all.What will he gain from his behavior?. Children remember everything mom and dad say and do to them and above all it effects the child.Children are excited when parents come home from work. Try playing some soft music.
Sit with him and the kids and watch Super Nanny every Friday night on tv.Talk to your priest.Jumping into another relationship, I don't think that will help.I have a lot of friends and have listen to their stories.

good luck

Dear K., Has he been mean to your children for 5 years or is this happening recently? Can I assume the 3 year old is his? I am sorry you are going through this. Will you uproot your children to go 2500 miles away? Please do not do this unless you know this man will treat yout children right. Please be careful, it takes a very special person to take on a ready made family. Grandma Mary

I am on board with most of the responses you have gotten so far. You can't expect the ex to make the situation better, in fact, he will probably just make it worse. If you're having trouble with one man, the last thing you should do is add another one to the mix.

What about marriage counseling? I mean, if he REALLY and truly is being abusive toward you and the kids, maybe you all could get some help.

Ask yourself this question: if your ex hadn't appeared out of nowhere, would you really want to leave your husband right now?

Lynsey

Look at what you said again: "He yells and can be violent when he's mad. He has spanked the kids and gets in thier faces and yells at them. They are scared at times or just try and avoid him."
I have been here - i have been in your situation. You are a mother 1st and above all. Please leave this man. All of your concerns should only be on your children. Do not wait a year. He is mean now and will get worse with your Children. They are looking to you for protection and guidance. I had no job, no money. But i left - escaped. My kids are much better now. Even though they still see their father - their visits are limited and their father's temper is not anywhere near what it would have been if we stayed. They have a chance now. He has no right to act that way with your children - any child. You will find a way. Call Alternatives for Battered Women. There are people and organizations that can help. Now is not the time to think about a new love. Get out = get help and above all get your kids away from that man.

So far most of the answers here follow at least one same theme and I hope you take it to heart - the ex is an escape that shouldn't even be a part of this equation.

I do not believe that a man who abuses you or your children deserves a second chance. Just my opinion and I know there are women who disagree. Sounds, however, like you're ready to leave. If he's hurting your children, leave now. There are places that can help you. Don't move to be with another man no matter how close he lives. You and your children will need time to heal from what this is doing and going to do to your lives. Adding another man into the equation will not be healthy for anyone.

K.,
The grass is not always greener on the other side. I think your husbands negatives are glaring right now because you have your interest peaked on this other man. Have you talked to him? have you told him how you feel? Have you made an effort to do things together? If you haven't tried than I suggest you do. Your blended family needs you to make the effort. If your done your done and only you know how you really feel. I can tell you this from my own experience. I fell out of love with my husband two years ago. There is nothing he did it's me. We have been together since for 15yrs and I have changed in so many ways I have changed. I am still with my husband because the sun sets and rises with my husband and the idea of breaking my family apart is more than I can shoulder. I love him and we have a great family I am just not in love with him, that doesn't change the fact that they are in love with him and so I stay. I stay because they need their father and I need them to be happy. They are my focus there are many that could argue staying for the kids is the wrong thing to do but for me it feels right. My children are not being raised in a hostile environment, we never fight, they are not in an un-loving environment I still do love him, so for me this works. Ask yourself can you try to make it better? have you tried? and can you deal with the fall-out afterwards? Those are key questions, trust your instinct you know what you feel and what you can shoulder. Good luck!

You said you already plan to leave him, even though you haven't mentioned anything you've done to try to save your marriage. Since he used to be different, something obviously has changed for him, and perhaps you just need to help him through whatever has changed him. I'm sure he prefers the way he used to be as well. You say he works alot. Perhaps he needs a break. Perhaps he's too stressed, or he doesn't feel appreciated (have you and the kids told him how much you appreciate that by perhaps giving him a special day to relax). Have you talked to him at all about this problem? Perhaps you have, and he refused to acknowledge a problem or see a counselor. But unless you have exhausted all the options, you have an obligation to stand by him and make your marriage work. Perhaps you're not what he expected either...

Honey DO NOT become enthralled by a new relationship. It will only make matters worse. This high school sweetheart only seem appealing simply because he reminds you of more care free days and compounded by the fact that you are resenting your husband right now. Your husband seem to be stressed and he may have a bit of an anger management issue. He is most likely stressed out by work and cannot voice his frustrations to the proper channels so he lashes out at the defenseless; his children & wife. He needs to address those issues by seeking help. Remember hurt people hurt others. You must confront your husband and have that talk.

Are you serious??? I think you need to focus on one thing at a time. How can you even think of traveling 2500 miles to be with a high-school sweetheart at a time like this. You are a wife, a mother, and a caregiver to your mom, and you do not have the privilege of dropping everything to be with a man who may or may not be the one. I strongly suggest closing one door before opening the next, running off with a man while you are married is not the answer to your happiness, and you are trying to justify this by describing his actions. Have you tried discussing this with him? Have you gone to counselling? have you tried addressing anything before you reconnected with this other man? I'm really sorry things are hard, but every relationship requires some maintenance, and running away from it is very selfish and can be damaging to your children. Address your issues as a grown up, and if they are not resolvable then take actions to end your marriage. Then and only after all has been addresses are you free to date again!!! What kind of a future can you possibly have with a man who will be with you while you are married, don't you think that speaks volumes as to your character?

Sorry but I think it's hysterical that magically your exboyfriend from high school appears out of nowhere 2500 miles away and you want to move there with him to get away from your mean husband. The ex is not a magic wand that will fix all your problems. In fact I'm going to venture a guess that the ex is just a way to get out of your current situation.

When you got married 5 yrs ago you made a committment to work with your spouse for a common goal. Your hubby sounds like he's under a lot of stress and takes it out once he gets home. He's got a ton of responsibility on his shoulders but he needs to find a better way to deal with it that doesn't involve being awful to the kids.

Instead of bailing out have you tried to talk to him to see what the actual problem is? Is he afraid in this economy of losing his job? Afraid that something could happen to you or the kids? Having a problem with a friend? Can you work together to plan simple family outtings like a fall hike through the woods? Day trip to an orchard to pick apples?

I am having a very similar situation go on in my life right now. My husband has gone thogouhg a lot medically in his life and it had been a pretty tough at times. He seems to get stuck in his mysery and justs stays in our room for most of the day, I work full time, my mom comes to the house to watch my 2 year old gorgeous, wonderful children who are the light of my life. This has been on and off issuse should I stay or should I go? Ican't figure out if staying or leaving is the worst evil. I cannot even fatham relinquishing my control in terms of raising them to him for a couple days of week. I am so blessed, my boys are so happy and very well behaved. A true pleaseure to be around. (They do ofcourse have their moments!!!) but I ask my self what I ever did to deserve them. I just want to give them the best life possible. Any time I try and talk to husband he turns it around on me and that I think I am so perfect and I don't do anything. He had surgery in early Dec and I continue to work full time. HE spends about 85% of his day in our room by himself. He doesn't get up and do anything unless he feels like it. When he is a good mood is is daddy and husdand of the year so I feel torn. I'm thinking about journaling to really take a look at what happens after the fact and assess whether there are more times of happiness or not and maybe the answer is that easy. I love him, know that I can't change him, but never thought he we provide such a small role in the life of our child/family. Sometimes he makes promises or says he'll do something and then backs out on it. When I get upset about it he turns it around and finds something to get pissed at me about. He the kind where its one set of rules for him and another for everyone else. Any words of advise...when it comes to my kids i have a no excuse/tollerance for bullcrap and difunctionalism rule!!!

Yikes, what a story. First, I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Please, to put my mind at ease, what do you mean by "violent?" Does it mean what I think it means? The other thing is DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT place ANY weight or value on this high school sweetheart thing. The mind can play dirty tricks on you -- when you are stressed and overwhelmed, you think about how the grass looks on the other side. Inevitably, it will always seem to be better than what you are going through now. You get to thinking "oh maybe, HE really should have been the one for me, not my hubby..." -- but often, this is nothing but a fantasy, just the mind's way of creating an escape to help you cope with the bad situation you are in now. Beware...you may find out you were horribly wrong about the high school love, and now you just went from one bad relationship to the next, WITH children. Not good for you or your kids. You are a mother in a potentially perilous situation right now. Think about your kids first and forget about relationships for now. Since you say you are preparing to leave your man, good for you. Ensure that your plan is rock-solid (shelter, finances, schooling, accessibility to ill mother, etc.) See if there is a family or friend that you can trust to help you. When, and only when, you are gone and everything is stable again, can you CONSIDER (not date, call/text, or even email) this high school love. Please, consider this advice for the sake of your kids and yourself. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.