Help! - Novato, CA

J.,

I do not have suggestions for your sons waking, Sorry. I would however, like to get more information on your agurments against vaccinations. Also, I would love some information on how you lost the weight, as I am battling the bulge and trying to rid myself of post baby weight. Ideally, I'd love to lose 35 pounds. I am a mother to two daughters- a two year old and a three month old and I have a 12 year old step son. Thank you in advanced, any and all suggestions would be much appreciated.

- T.

Hi J.

My name is A. Millette, and I am a parent coach, sleep consultant and MamaSource member. I read your response and thought to e-mail you. I can talk to you a little bit more about developmental reasons why your son may be having a difficult time. We can schedule a phone consult, or schedule a home visit. Please check out my website to learn a little bit more about my services: www.angeliquemillette.com.

Warmly,
A.

A. Millette, PhDc MFTt PCD/CD(DONA) CMT
PhD candidate Santa Barbara Graduate Institute
Marriage & Family Therapist trainee Child Therapy Institute of Marin
Postpartum & Birth Doula (DONA certified)
PO Box 824 Fairfax, CA 94978
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Infant/child/family in-home consultant & parent coach addressing:
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Please don't use Motrin or Orajel. They have had very severe adverse reactions in babies. Orajel can stop a child from breathing. Do a search online about it. You'll be shocked. As someone studying holistic nutrition I am surprised you haven't tried Hylands homeopathic teething tablets or one of the liquid herbal teething remedies. Go to www.greencradle.com and search for them. I use them and they seem to work pretty well. Be patient about the lack of sleep. Your son will outgrow this time and you'll miss the snuggling!

I think 8 months was a hard time for us too. FIrst of all, hang in there--it WILL get better! It really will! Do what you can to take care of yourself, including napping when you can, and some relaxation exercises or meditation. And remember that most of the time, no matter what happens at night or naptime, if baby's gotten enough sleep he wakes up happy and still loves you, so don't feel too bad about a bit of fussing (altho I don't let it go on for more than 20 minutes w/o checking in with baby). Then, look at the archives here and also on the web in general because there is a lot of good advice. Many, many people have difficulties with baby's sleep and love to help each other. I co-sleep with my kid so the strategies are different, but the book No-Cry Sleep Solution was really helpful to me, and many people swear by Weissbluth's book (can't remember the name) but I was so sleep-deprived I couldn't really read it! My kid was a lousy sleeper for months but once he hit one year old he started sleeping much more soundly; he still wakes a bit but usually sleeps about 10 hours a night, and it is a blessing.

Hello J.,

Try not to despair too much. I would try the cry it out method for at least a couple of weeks. You are NOT neglecting your child. As long your child is not wet, hungry, sick, or uncomfortable, eventually he will stop crying. Close the door if possible and if you have ear plugs use them. If you possibly can, take a nap whenever he does during the day.

Take care,

E.

You could try and keep his crib by your bed, that way you can lay in bed and pat him on the back so if he does wake, he'll still be able to see you. My daughter went through the same thing- it's hard but they do eventually get over it.
Some days you just have to do whatever it takes to make you feel better- go for a walk (with baby in tow if you need, stroller or with a wrap) take a bath or just watch a movie -- whatever it takes to ease the stress for you.
*hugs*
Just remember even though it feels like it's unending now it does not last forever.

Because he is lower in weight he will wake up more. That is realistic.
EVERY parent has felt liking giving up at one point or another because of exhusation- trust me on that.
Because he is teething it is harder to do CIO method. I would try it again later- it took a very very long time with my son, like many months, every night, having to CIO for it to work, but it did.(Which it taking so long isnt normally heard of)But he just wanted attention. We just held him, comforted him, made sure he was clean, fed, changed. Then we knew that there was nothing else to do and he had to learn that he needed to go to bed and not keep us up all night. He did learn. We tried co sleeping with him and that did not work at all either. He wouldn't sleep at all and he was just asserting his will big time. Babies that about that age learn faster than adults do, so don't underestimate children. They will sometimes take advantage of a parents weak spot.
Do NOT feel like a bad parent, it is hard to do, but its easier to teach them younger than older, for your sake and theirs.
After you leave, turn on the TV or music louder than the crying for a few minutes just so you dont hear, it doesnt distress you, and you can re group to feel better and more reassured when you go back in.
My mum, who was pregnant at the same time as me, always rocked my brother (who is younger than my son, 2.5 years) to sleep and know with my brother being 2 himself, always has to be rocked to sleep with a bottle.
So better now than him keeping you up like this for years to come.
Hope this helps.

Hi J.,
I know it is a personal parenting decision, but I don't agree with the CIO method. I've heard it works--eventually--for lots of families. It just really pisses my one-year-old daughter off...and then I feel like I'm neglecting her or that she feels abandoned. Not fun.
It's also not okay that you're feeling bad and beating yourself up over this time.
Remember a couple of things, sister:
- This is a temporary situation. Your baby WILL learn how to sleep through the night--at least longer stretches, bit by bit.
- You are a loving mom...and you need to take care of yourself as well as your little one.
A few ideas:
- Do you have a husband/partner who could take over nighttime duties for a chunk of the middle-of-the-night time? If not, do you have a family member or good friend who could stay with you for a bit or once in a while in order to give you a bit of relief in the middle of the night? It's AMAZING what four hours of sleep IN A ROW can do for ya!
- The No Cry Sleep Solution and Dr. Sears new(ish) book on sleep offer two different left-ish perspectives on sleep. Another site friends have used is http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp --although, this method is recommended for babies AT LEAST 12 months old. Resources, resources...
- The other night, my back was going crazy after holding, rocking and dancing my little girl. I had nursed her a TON and she just wanted to stay on. So, I just kind of let go and came and hung out with her on the couch for a while. Even though it was insane and late, I allowed myself to appreciate the moment and the special time together. She'll only be a baby for a short while, and she's the only baby I will give birth to. These middle-of-the-night moments will be fewer and farther between as she gets older--a wonderful thing, but a little bit sad, too. We went back to it--going back to bed--after a little respite, and we were both able to relax and let our old tricks work again. Woo hoo!

Obviously, I don't have a fix-it-all plan. I believe that a mixture of a few things work for some babies. She goes to bed in her crib and my husband and I work like the dickens to keep her there until 4am. And then we're thrilled to co-sleep...as long as we're actually sleeping and not just being kicked and punched and bitten. It's often sweet and wonderful, and sometimes it doesn't work and we have a little bottle-and-dance-the-baby-down moment. Teething makes it all crazy and then we start over with a new set of plans. It will get better. You are not alone.

Sorry for the ramble. Hope one smidgen helped!
-C.
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