Happy Marriages....do They Exist?

Hey Miss Lady,
I am a mom of 4 the oldest is 16 and the youngest is 10. I have been with my husband for 11 years this past May. I sooo know what you are talking about!! We have gotten into a grove that seems to be working. We came to the understanding that one weekend of the month is all mine and one weekend is all his, and there can not be any complaining. That means that once a month we go fishing and watch the car races, and once a month we do what ever I want. And yes, it changes every month. The other two weekends we compermise. It may or may not work for you, but so far it is working out good for us.
Best Wishes,
M. Harris

Well, In my case I've been married for 6 years and sometimes I can't believe we've made it that long. quite honestly I feel that women compromise everything when they get married and have children and that's just my opinion. We give up everything and are expected to do it with a big smile.

I feel my husband and I were happier when our daughter was little, we leaned against each other a lot then. Now that my daughter is in pre school and she is kinda independent I don't feel a connection with my husband at all; maybe because I don't need his support (at least emotional) that much.
sometimes we get a free night for us and I don't even know what to talk to him about.

I love him but I don't have a clue how to really connect with him. anyways, sorry I'm using your question to vent but to answer your posting, I haven't really met a truly happy couple. my grandparents were married for 40 years and quite honestly I don't think I'll ever have that endurance.

I haven't been married very long at all, so I'm not one to offer any advice, but Dr. Laura's books have really helped me and my husband. I know lots of people don't care for the woman, but you have to admit that she gives some great no-nonsense advice. I'd really recommend checking them out whether or not you may be having difficulties. You don't need to be on the brink of divorce to glean some good ideas and really solid advice (have I said that word enough?? :) ).

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/103-###-###-####-###...

I was at a WOVI meeting last night (if anyone is interested email me). Lots of women were talking about following their dreams, and their husbands not supporting them. I can't even imagine this. I was pretty miserable at work and my hubbie told me to quit and take some time off. I'm sure in the future over kids and discipline their will be compromises - but currently the only thing I've had to compromise on is the colour I want to paint in the den. Oh and doing more research to find a cheaper sewing table. I am as comfortable being myself with my husband as I am when I am alone. We might compromise on specific items - but this does not impact who I am. I guess maybe I don't understand how you compromise yourself in a relationship. Can you explain further to help me understand?

LP

Marriages are like weather, constantly swinging from sunshine to storms. In this world, everything that brings us ecstacy (soul mates, children friends etc,) also brings us grief. A loving relationship with a child turns into longing when the child grwos up and leaves. It is hard to watch a lovng spouse go through illness or unemployment.

Yes, happy marriages exist, the ones that keep solving their problems and moving on.

Cheer up; from your profile, I can tell you are among the most lucky people.

Hi K. -

I think the answer lies in how you look at relationships in general - not just your marriage. If you tweak your mindset, it will make 100% difference. Instead of thinking about what you GET think about what you GIVE. Just changing those words will do wonders for your outlook. For instance, you mentioned in your followup that you'd "compromise" on chili's and neither got what they wanted. But what if you just gave him what he wanted? What does it hurt? And just tell yourself you're giving it to him - no need to make a big deal of it. Slowly, your mindset will change and you'll find you're in a great marriage of giving, not getting. And when you're giving, he word compromise doesn't even get mentioned.

On the big ticket items, take turns. Set aside money and each of you get what you want. That's easiest, trust me!

When you got married, you didn't compromise on the way you live, you changed it to accommodate someone you love. And when you had kids, you didn't then compromise the marriage, you changed it to a family. Change is not the same as compromise. Change is good and healthy and necessary for growth.

And my advice about your son knowing who you are - I suggest you start a journal for him - tell him about your hopes and fears - make yourself human to him - but also know, you won't be completely "human" to him until he becomes a parent. Think about it, you didn't understand your own parents until you became one.

I think it's great that you are paying attention to this now! That's a pretty good indicator that you'll have a strong marriage. Yes, you must constantly work at it, but look what t gives you. Love. Security. Home. Family. Those are pretty worth the work, don't you think?

K.,

If you really feel like your son won't know who you are then I would say you might be compromising too much. Although we all have to compromise in marriage...you should always be able to be who you are. Your last sentence made me sad and I hope that you and your husband can find a balance in that aspect. Try negotiating instead of compromising.

My grandparents were married for 70 years and my parents just celebrated their 50th. Even today I laugh at my parents when they argue over silly stuff. I will even say to them..."you two haven't figured each other out after 50 years!!!" It is part of life that two individual people of the opposite sex are going to have issues with each other.

My husband travels all week and is only home on the weekends. It really makes us treasure the time we have together. My situation is probably not the norm.

My parents were together for 40 years before my mom passed away this past March from cancer. I probably wouldn't have ever thought about them being happy until she passed away they had their disagreements and problems, but they always worked them out and now I see how truly my dad loved her. He showed it to her all the time I was just never apart of it until now. Most couples I think are that way and truly I think it is a generational thing. How they appear to others is probably not how they are with each other. So when you are thinking about others married for 30 years the best thing is to ask them, you might be surprised. I have been married for 12 years now and I can say that I am truly happy, but for me my happiness comes from the Lord and through Him I am truly happy with who he placed in my life as a life partner. Is compromise such a bad thing?, I mean don't we have to compromise with life in general in so many things with so many people. You might want to really look inside to see "why" you feel that unhappiness and see if it is something in you not necessarily with your marriage that is causing it. I truly believe that no one makes us unhappy or mad or sad, we make ourselves. I don't mean to sound as if I have it all together because, I don't, I think I have learned some things through my mom's illness and death that have truly made me look at life and how short it is---I'm still learning and everyday I hope I continue to learn, I truly hope that you do find happiness with you, and everything and everyone around you!

My parents were married for 31 years before my dad passed-away this past November. Seriously they were very happy. I never saw them argue & I think that was the trick because they never did. My mom said they had one fight that she could remember, but other than that nothing. She said they agreed when they got married that they would not fight & they stuck to it. I really think that's the trick COMPROMISE! Also, they didn't hold grudges and after a disagreement they would let it be. (That's what I'm working on!) My mom gave-in most of the time (I think) and as a child I knew that and sometimes wished she wouldn't have. Now however, I really respect her for doing that because it made our family happier and I still know exactly who she is. *Also, mom was very proud that they always won the 'Newly Wed' game at their yearly New Year's game night with their friends!

My husband & I have been married for almost 7 years & we are still trying to find our niche. Every couple is different, but don't worry you will figure it out! Also, keep in mind that people may be happier than you think, different people just have different ways of showing it. My in-laws have been married for amost 40 years & I never really considered them 'happily married' but when I think about it I think they are happy together.

Anyway, I hope this helps & DON'T WORRY.... BE HAPPY (as the song says)!

I was watching Oprah the other day and this woman was in a similar situation where her and her husband were married for a 5+ years and had small children and it got to the point where there were just going threw the motions. So she decided that she didn't want to lose her relationship so what she chose to do most woman would probably be like yeah he would love that but it's not for me so why do it....she chose to have sex with her husband everyday for a week to see if things would change. She didn't tell him what she was doing. Instead of wearing what was comfortable to bed she wore things that made her feel sexy. She started taking belly dancing classes so that she would feel better about herself, because as women after having children we tend to no longer feel sexy and attractive...more like whatever is comfortable or functional. They are going on 2 years later still having sex every day or if not for reasons they can't. They became more affecionate towards each other and happier which made them better parents. I liked this story because it showed she did something for herself by taking the classes because I don't think we take enough time for ourselves as woman, and she did something to spice up her marriage. I think you should get creative about it. Put a love note in his briefcase. Have a lunch date. There are plenty of drop off daycares around that you guys can spend a couple of hours together. That's what's exciting to me about marriage is learning and exploring life with this person and creating memories. Good Luck to You!!!!

Hi K.,

Happy marriages do exist - they do!! I've seen it in my parents, in several older couples that we know, and really in the majority of our friends. It's amazing and a blessing from God!
One of the biggest things for us has been communication. I was scared a few weeks ago that we would get six or so years down the road and we wouldn't have anything to say to each other. I finally talked to him about it and it's made an incredible difference b/c he really does want to be in engaged in our relationship.
These different feelings and fears/frustrations that you have are normal and common to man. But I'd encourage you to not just stuff them!! Share with him how you're feeling and find some middle ground. Perhaps think about some things that would help you not feel compromised - I bet that he doesn't mean to make you feel that way! Guys just need it laid out really clearly sometimes b/c we girls are complex! And have you had a date night recently??
I would encourage you also to pursue a relationship with God - either beginning one or going deeper with Him. God is the bedrock foundation of our marriage and the basis upon which it will not crumble. "What God has joined together, let no man separate", and "A cord of three strands is not easily broken". God holds us together and gives us joy when we wouldn't make it on our own. My heart goes out to you. Take care!

I'll throw in another comment...my grandparents were VERY happily married and, in my opinion, one reason is that that each had their own area in which they were the one who got to make the decision. For example, my grandmother decided on the care of the kids, medicine and activities. Because we live in a different age, I have to consult my husband on stuff that it would be easier if there were one decision-maker. Maybe think about taking turns on some things rather than compromising (rmember even your kids will want their turn some D.) plus establishing areas where YOU are the primary decision-maker. Just a thought.