Great Husband Except He Occasionally Stays Out Late and Doesn't Call

My husband doesn't do that. He often has to stay late for meetings, but he tells me where he will be, if I look at where his phone is, it's exactly where he says it will be, and he often invites me to join him, and then when he comes home, he tells me all about the meeting. If he was like this before you married him, then yes, you should cut him slack because you knew what you were getting and this is what you signed up for. If this is new behavior, though, I would not be comfortable with it. Given that you've lived with this for 20 years, I guess this is what you signed up for. I would not have.

This seems to be his pattern.
If you've lived with it this long why is it suddenly bothering you now?
If this is his only vice I'd be inclined to let it go.

I'm assuming he goes to work in the morning, so no, this doesn't sound normal, and I've known a lot of people with big jobs and long hours. I wonder how he would feel if you were out with friends until the wee hours, not calling and lying about saying when you're going to be home? And I wonder why you've been happy living this way for 20 years? No family dinners, movie/TV time and playing outside until dark with the kids? Unless you're happy with him only being a paycheck I just don't understand.

I would have had a problem with it on day 1. It’s common courtesy to let your spouse know when you’ll be doing something after work if it is anything other than coming straight home.

My husband thought I was weird insisting that he give me a courtesy call if he intended to run an errand or see a friend. He said, “Who are you, my mom?” I said, “No, I’m your wife, and I deserve respect.” He calls or texts me, or he has to deal with me later ... so, he usually calls or texts.

If your husband has been dong this for 20 years, I’m not sure it’s realistic to think he’ll change now.

Depends on if you trust he is really where he says he is doing what he claims to be doing.

I think this is very common for a lot of men. A friend and I have discuss it a lot. Her husband does it frequently. Mine did too in the beginning, but somewhere along the way he understood I needed to be in the loop. He lets me know now, and he rarely ever does it. He use to go for drinks after work weekly, but once the kids came along, he stopped.

Since he's been doing it for 20 years, it's probably too late to explain how this upsets you. With my husband, I just told him that I worry (he had a long commute, and I would literally imagine him dead in a crash). But maybe your 20 years together has earned you some ability to say, hun, I feel really disrespected and unloved when you don't keep me in the loop. I'm not trying to control you or anything like that, but when you tell me you're coming home and you don't, you're basically lying to me and that isn't OK. go to your friends, but shoot me a quick text: change of plans, going to have a beer with Y.

It can't hurt for you to ask to change things.

It's normal for you, since you've put up with it for 20 years. But if it's not working for you, it's time to deal with it. Lay down some ground rules and tell him your marriage won't work unless he meets you somewhere in the middle.

Work schedules are one thing. Needing a night with friends now and then is fine. This is all assuming that he really is at work when he says he is, and really is hanging out with his friend when he says he is.

What would be a deal breaker for me is that he doesn't call. What in the world is he doing that's so pressing he can't speak to you? And when you say he will surprise "us," that implies to me that there are children. So, why is he not home any evenings or weekends with you and the kids? What kind of role model is he for them? Are your daughters learning that this is how wives are treated, and are your sons learning that women's feelings are immaterial?

I imagine you have discussed this with your husband before, perhaps many times over 20 years. So at this point, I can't imagine why another discussion would change anything. I suggest you start seeing a counselor to find out why you put up with things that annoy you, and to help you develop a sense of what you want as well as the backbone required to pursue them.

well if you trust him, let him enjoy his time with friends, but if no trust then go see if he is really at a friends house? Or maybe make a date night for you and him to stay out late.

My Dad owned an appliance repair business. He was frequently not home until 9 or 10 because he and an employee were only ones doing service calls. My mother and he agreed the family would eat and put his dinner on a plate in the microwave.

This was before cell phones. He often told Mom he'd.be late or early. Sometimes he didn't have easy access to a phone. Being late was the pattern
We just accepted this is the way he supported us. Sometimes Mom would complain. This is just the way it was. So I understand letting this way of living go on for 20 years.

Our family didn't go to school activities. It was a different time. We spent a lot of time with Aunts, Uncles and cousins who lived in town. My Dad seriously enjoyed their company and made plans.to join us. Family time was our social time.

Sounds like you now want more time with him. Have you talked together about your change of priorities. It's possible, that with time, you and your husband can change the pattern.

My Dad didn't understand feelings, his own or ours. He wasn't able to adjust to our wishes. If your husband has not understood your requests for a change all along, it's likely he won't now. Then you decide is the way your life is now worth keeping or do you venture out on your own?

One way of accepting the current situation is for you to build friendships and interests on your own. My Mom accepted and got her emotional support from her sisters. If you don't go out with friends, I suggest you focus on your life and get support in ways other than with your husband. He spends a night with his friend. Ask him to be home so you can spend a night out. Get dinner out, go to the library, take a class. I felt better in my not so happy marriage when I started taking care of myself.

Regarding no phone call, you can call him. Some people and I'm one of them, forget to call. I'm in my own zone doing what I usually do.

I noticed you wrote about workaholic husband a few years ago in another question so it's still bugging you :( That's hard. It would bug me also. It's not much of a family life, although I get it, he's doing it for your family.

It's your 'normal'. You can't relate apples to oranges. What you have put up with in your marriage is entirely different than what I am willing to put up with. We all tolerate different things and compromise.

Be happy/content though - decide what will make a difference to you. Ask. If he loves you, he will make changes - but just ask for one at a time, and be clear. Men need clear directives.

If he won't budge or compromise - then there's a problem.

What kind of "I Love Lucy"-type junk is this?! Are you the nanny or the mother of his children?! Balanced parenting, this is not!

As soon as he gets home, have your heels and lipstick on and head out for evening time with "the girls".

This marriage sounds horrifically imbalanced. Why in the world have you put up with this for 20 years? You need to boost your self esteem.

This is My life..i usually do get a text about where he is going but never know when he will be home. I also trust him completely but find it annoying. And it's easy to say you would have pitched a fit..but even that had no permanent effect. He is the one missing out. Kids grow up and yes while I also appreciate the flexibility to come to awards shows or what ever my hubby misses out on bed time and hanging out in the kitchen afye r dinner and laughing and that is so sad.

You have accepted this for 20 years? I find this unacceptable and would have never put an end to the disrespect early on.

wow - went through the same thing with my husband. Whenever he clocked out from work, he went straight to the bar. I never knew when to have supper ready, many of the dinners I had waiting were wasted. I'm amazed we lasted through this. Finally, I simply joined him. It all improved after he retired. He had a horrible boss that just about drove him over the edge. Now he's retired and we enjoy going places together. I guess it's like a lot of other situations where you have to earn your stripes.

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wow - went through the same thing with my husband. Whenever he clocked out from work, he went straight to the bar. I never knew when to have supper ready, many of the dinners I had waiting were wasted. I'm amazed we lasted through this. Finally, I simply joined him. It all improved after he retired. He had a horrible boss that just about drove him over the edge. Now he's retired and we enjoy going places together. I guess it's like a lot of other situations where you have to earn your stripes.

Some guys do this. I would be very uncomfortable. However, I'd guess he is probably drinking (even if he is not at a bar) and if he is driving perhaps you should suggest that he Uber it home, sleep on his friend's couch or if it is possible to pick him up. You probably could have stopped this 20 years ago...although there are still ways to retrain people. I am not sure if you are assertive and letting him know that this bothers you or doing the old well 'boys will be boys' routine. In my life that would make me very angry. Again some marriages have situations like this and they are fine with it. Not me. So in all seriousness I'd give him a taste of his own medicine a couple of times. Or read him a scenario of what things could happen (especially if he is drinking-I am assuming that if they are sitting in a garage they probably aren't having lemonades).
I wonder do you check up on him with calls or texts or do you just wait anxiously for him to come home? Do you know for sure if he is sitting in someone's garage ...again quite possible as people come and sit with my husband in our garage. But if you don't know this for sure you might want to do a little surveillance.
And finally, even if you aren't a very social person yourself you might want to see how he likes it if you aren't too available when he expects it. He may be really nice in a lot of ways but he sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.