Grandparents Too Much

I just wanted to say that I have in-laws like that as well. My mother-in-law even invited herself to my family Christmas. I told my husband that I didn't like the fact that she was invading on my family time with my daughter so he talked to her. I thought it would be better coming from him than me. But he did lie to her and tell her there were unexpected guests staying at my moms so there wouldn't be room for her. I wished he would have told her the truth but I guess he feels that's a conversation I should have with her.
But anyway. I just wanted to let you know you were not alone.

Why not tie 'em out in the backyard.

Hi R., first I just want to say do not feel bad by the comment by Erin saying to just be thankful that you have a loving family. I'm sure that you are thankful for your family. It is one problem though, that less fortunate people don't have to deal with- and I feel for those people. However, I completely understand where you're coming from. My MIL can be very overbearing and yes, obsessive. It is pretty much her only grandchild (she has one other that lives across the country that she NEVER sees). However, I don't have any good advice to give you. I think you were given some good advice though about somehow confronting them gently. I hope they don't take what you say to heart, and understand. It's sooo hard. My MIL is not nearly as overbearing (at least not yet but she is only a month old!). Like for example, she saw her on Friday and then calls me Saturday to "see how she's doing". It's kinda like, "um, she the same as she was less than 24 hours ago". Should I give an update of how many times she peed or cried or slept? Or she will say how much she misses her all of the time (and that makes me feel bad), but she never goes a week without seeing her at least once or twice, and then she always reminds me how she has to go on my daughter's website and she her pictures every single day. I don't know. I do feel really bad for feeling this way, but my mom is not like this. I'm a new mom too. My mom, who obviously would love to see her every day too, comes out and says to me "I want to give you your space- your a new mom and you have to get used being a new mom". Well, good luck with your in-laws. Send me a message if you want to talk further. I'd love to know how you make out and then maybe you can advise me if I ever need it!

Oh my god..I had people like that in my life once..since they are your husbands parents..he needs to be the one to put his foot down, And tell them you love them very much, but that you need equal time alone with your parents and your son,
without them.

And when they are over coddling him...tell them to please loosen up and let the kid breath.

It sounds like they are sort of using your son, as some kind of competition between the two of them.
The game of,Who can get and give the most attention to him, I fear that if you dont say something it will just get worse. What an aweful situation to be in.
Your husband has to do this. For the sake of you and your child and your realtionship with your "out laws"..If your the one left holding the bag on this, it will ruin the relationship you have with them.
So make your husband loosen up this situation / competition. For your son's sake.

Good luck !

Good luck

Hi R.,
I know how you are feeling. We went through this with the birth of our oldest 14 years ago, but it got to the point where we couldn't have everyone over at the same time for holidays becuase it was too competitive and stressful. We put our foot down about 9 years ago and said enough, but as a result of the stressful years, I still do not enjoy Christmas. We alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas day between the two families. One year we go to mine for Thanksgiving and his for Christmas and the next year to his for Thanksgiving and mine for Christmas.

It's great to having loving grandparents and the kids enjoy them all so much, but sometimes you just have to set boundries. Good luck!

Hi R., I was just wondering how your husband feels about this situation. Just be careful what you wish for, older folks get very hurt when told they are not welcome. I for one let a lot slide when it comes to grandparents, they are not in grandchildren s lives for to long. I wouldn't want to put a wedge between you and the inlaws. Just remember they are your husbands family. Its sounds like they love him an awful lot, if that's the worst problem you have with them, your lucky! Does his dad have anywhere to go on Christmas? Maybe thats why he tags along with you, he must really love you and your family also. How old is he? Maybe you can fix him up with an older lady.....then he wont have so much time to spend with you! Well good luck!

You didn't mention how old your son is or the in-laws. I wish my grandparents or even my father and father in law were still alive to enjoy my two boys. My dad died when my boys were only 2 & 4 and we lost my father in law 2 years ago, my grandfathers were gone before I was out of elementary school.
I know as I get older I see my mom and mother in law paying much more attention to my little guys. Maybe they just want to get in all the loving they can before they pass away like their husbands. Depending on the age of your child grandparents are very special and need that extra touch of spoiling. When the boys were smaller & I was 14 years younger I was actually annoyed at the time that was spent with other family members, now I wish I had taken the time to take the boys to their grandparents when they couldn't visit, this opportunity ends when they are no longer around.
A possibility is that your son looks just like your husband did when he was a child and they are reliving the good years with their grandson.
They could be lonely, children don't ask for much like we adults do and it is easy to love and get a wonderful response, the holidays are hard for people who are alone (you said they were divorced), memories old and new memories they are making is all they live for.
If they are interfering with your rules of the house then it might be a good idea to sit them down and explain how you would like to enforce certain rules. ie: if your son is cranky and overtired, you can take him and put him down for a nap whether he is crying or fussy without any interference from the grandparent. You said the situation is making people feel unwelcome, make sure they aren't taking your lead and becoming upset because you are upset, it is amazing how we take on other peoples thoughts and actions when we are exposed to them. These people who feel unwelcomed can be invited back to a special evening or day when your in laws aren't there. Are these people your parents? If they are this should be easy to do and I'm sure they would love the extra attention also.
Take a good look at your life and look at the love that is surrounding you, choose your battles. Thank God you have a loving family there are a lot of families out there that would trade with you in a second. Happy Holidays

Hi R.,

Your parents-in-law aren't aware of the problem, and no amount of subtle remarks or motions will probably change that. You and your husband have the responsibility for setting firm and reasonable personal boundaries or accept the situation as it is. A boundary means, in this case, some kind of limit to the length of time they can play, cuddle, hand around your son. On the other hand, you don't want your son handed around to everyone...he'll grow up to hate family gatherings. Remember Aunt Marta with the red lipstick. Yuck.

Setting reasonable boundaries and limits are good things and that people have different ideas about boundaries. Boundaries are how we protect ourselves from another person coming too close. It's important for your son to learn boundaries and that you'll protect him from hurtful situations. Some families have no boundaries or limits; some have too strict limits, and some are OK. It takes time and practice to believe that you deserve boundaries. It's important to set reasonable boundaries if you're not used to having them, especially when people try to breakdown or step around or over your limits (which they may be unaware of because of their personal history). Some people set boundaries that are forms of denial -- they won't hear anything that would conflict with what they want to hear.

Brainstorm with your husband about what you really want -- how long and when his parents could play with your son, when it's OK for your father-in-law to tag along. Write it down and keep it handy. It's best to act consistently.

I believe in telling people that you're going to set limits, but in this case it depends how self-aware your parents-in-law are.

You could try this: When you're alone with them, tell them how much you appreciate their attention to your son and how much he loves them. Then you could say, I don't think that you've noticed, but members of my family would like to see him too, that you'd like your son to be comfortable with other people.

They may react in any number of different ways. You can practice the broken record - I understand that but it's important to me... over and over.

Now's the really hard part. When your parents-in-law come in and try to take the baby from Aunt Mary, say something like, "Oh, sorry, Aunt Mary has been sitting patiently to hold him." Keep to your set limit, be flexible, but you must be as consistent as possible. When they have him over your limit, collect him and say, Aunt Rose wants to see how big he's grown. Be careful of your son's boundaries...

Is your name Rosalind? That was my mother's name. I really like it because it sounds romantic - like Rosalind in one of Shakespeare's plays.