Grandma Wars?

Well, you could start by telling your mom to put a sock in it! ;-)

It's nice that she wants to help but structure is important for a child - if you get a formula that works, you stick with it. You can get your mom to return it or you can accept it and donate it to the local food pantry where it will be much appreciated. Your mom can give you the coupons and let you pick what you want to use.

To some degree, you have to let the 2 moms work things out for themselves. You can't get in the middle, although you can express sympathy for one when the other is pushing too much. Your MIL may appreciate a sympathetic smile and a "What can I do?" shoulder-shrug when your mom is being pushy - she may not need you to do anything. You could say, "I think the flowers are fine, Mom. Can you help me with XYZ while she does the flowers?" If she's criticizing your MIL's cake, you can say something, or you can stay silent and let them handle it. If no one comments, your mother may notice the silence and figure out that no one has a comment. You can also say, "Look, everyone has their favorite recipes and there wouldn't be 40 million cookbooks if there was only one way to do things." You can ask your mom to make YOUR life easier by leaving your MIL alone.

If you think it won't backfire, you can also feed into your mom's feeling that she is more hip than the MIL, and just ask your mom to be more sympathetic to the MIL who can't do as much - "let MIL have her small pleasures, Mom, since you can get out more and be more active with the baby." That sort of thing. Your MIL is really old enough to be your mother's mother, so there should be no competition.

Your mother may be jealous of your affection for your MIL as well as the time your MIL spends with the baby. She's trying too hard. Has she always been this way?

You can try to spend special time with each of them but not together so that they each feel appreciated and loved.

As your child gets older, conflicts will get worse - soon you will want to do things like have holidays at YOUR house because it's too hard to haul the little one around or too disrupting for her to sleep elsewhere. Both moms will want a piece of you. You'll have to put your foot down, and you and your husband will have to establish that YOU are the parents of this baby and will make decisions. You can encourage BOTH moms to ask you what would be helpful, rather than to decide on their own and/or do it for you.

There may also be some resentment about your working FT if your mom was a SAHM - she may be trying to justify her own decision when you were younger by showing you that you can't do it alone if you are working. I don't know how you solve that - I just suggest it as a way of looking at her motivation.

Good luck - just work on setting boundaries NOW while you're figuring out all the aspects of being a new mom. Allow yourself the time and space to do this by encouraging your mom (and maybe your MIL) to let you figure some things out without a lot of advice.

I am a MIL and a mother. I may be hurt at first, but telling me to bud out or cool it with the comments may be the only way to curb the behavior that is making you uncomfortable. Your mother will get over it.

you didn't mention if both live nearby, or one lives near and the other far away? I adore both my mom and my MIL, but we get to spend far more time with my inlaws then my mother based on geography- and I know this makes my mom a little jealous at times, and I believe why it makes her a little more pushy about getting her point across when she wants to give advice. I'll admit, we've had a little friction, but mostly I just try to remember that she wants to feel involved with her grand-daughter, so I listen and thank her for advice- which I think relaxes her. But I do stand firm when I disagree about things. Maybe you can figure out how to gently remind her that you really value both her and your MIL's opinions on things.

Your mom seems like mine she always has to add her 2 cents. And my mother in law just keeps her mouth shut for the most part. I wouldn't say they are competing or anything just different personalities. My mother does everything out of love and is just really stuck in her ways and way of thinking. She'll rearrange things at my house and I've learned to let it go and to switch things after she leaves.
It didn't sound like your MIL fights back or says anything so chances are that she's experienced people like your mom before and it doesn't bother her. Maybe you'll have to do things seperate your family and his family.
If you haven't already maybe it's time to sit and talk with your mom and tell her that you know she loves you but that you need to learn things on your own and can't always follow her suggestions. I pretty much just hear my mother out and roll my eyes at the things she says. But it makes her feel better to be heard.

Hi J.,

I will just say you are not alone. My mother and I do not have the greatest of relationship, well I will say it's hot and cold and when it's good it's great and when it's not good, it's not bad but it's just straining. My MIL is a doll, she is so kind, great with and to my kids, enjoys being a grandmother etc. We just recently moved closer to my in-laws and I can tell my mom has a major issue with that. You can just tell by her demeanor and she has made small comments to show that she is jealous and in competition with my MIL. I just ignore it. I think your mom has made little gestures which she may think are OK but are highly offensive to others...has your mom always been that way? My MIL is like that, she will say something with out even realizing or sometimes knowing it's offensive...some people are just like that and we have to love them unconditionally. I think you should have a talk with your mom and listen to her and make sure she listens to you. Life it too short to hold grudges especially when it comes to moms. :)
Good luck.

Hi J.,
It does sound like your mom needs to be asked to be more tactful to your MIL. I would only urge you to choose your words really carefully because you have only one mother and as much of a pain as she can be, I'm sure you don't want to hurt her. Words, once they're said, can do a lot of damage even if you are well intentioned and in the right (you are!). At least, the first time you speak to her about it, try to be very kind, delicate, and tactful. If she pays no mind and you have to speak again then you might pull out bigger guns.

As to doing things like she did with the formula, I think she's going to do things like that all your life! Mothers tend to, and it's meant with love. Sounds like she takes it with philosophy when you tell it to her straight that, for example, she has to take the formula back. She'll also probably tell you how to cook things, when you need to change your daughter's diaper, feed her, etc. I think this is universal. Maybe eventually you'll learn to roll your eyes about it and laugh. Good luck!

I can understand the excitment of being a grandma (seeing as I'm one myself) but that doesn't excuse your mom's rude behavior. I'd let her know that it bothered you when she made comments about the cake and flowers. Just because she's younger than you mil doesn't mean she's more with it when it comes to her grandchild's needs and feelings. You want to clear it up now before it becomes a habit in the way your mom deals with your inlaws.

As far as the things your mom buys for her granddaughter she sounds just like my mom. "I got this for you and you should be grateful that I thought of you" instead of "I got this because it's what you use". Stick to your guns on the things you choose to feed your daughter and provide food to your mom if she's going to watch your child. My grandsons both have nut allergies (different nuts so go figure) and my mom actually took a box of expensive chocolates all different nuts off the top of my fridge to give to the kids because she 'doesn't believe in nut allergies'.