Fiancé' Feelings About Ex-husband

Updated on September 03, 2019
K.A. asks from Boston, MA
15 answers

I am a divorced mom with two children. One child is from my marriage. The second child is w/my fiancé. The fiancé has never liked my ex husband. My ex husband has never had a problem w/the fiancé. There has never been any issues w/my ex husband. He spends time w/his child and pays child support.
I believe my fiancé is annoyed that my ex husband is in the picture.
The other day my child w/fiancé said my fiancé doesn't like my ex-husband. She said this in front of her sibling. This child is only 9. We have never said anything about the dynamics between her dad and my ex husband. But I'm sure she can pick up on the energy from her dad.
My fiancé asked my daughter why she said that. My daughter said she didn't know. I think she was afraid to speak her feelings. When we got a minute alone he kept asking me why she would tell her sister that. He was clearly putting the blame on our child!
I was very upset of course. I told him it is his energy when she mentions her sister's dad. He of course does not see it that way. But I have witnessed his disdain when our child mentions her sibling's dad. He then said our child has told him my ex husband eats our food. Something that happened years ago and hasn't happened since.
I want to talk to him about this. But he is excellent at gaslighting. He will turn the conversation around.
How should I approach this without a shouting match?

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answers from Atlanta on

and you want to marry this dude why? Girl, you need to cut your losses and run NOW.

This isn't going to change and it's not going to get better. It appears he cannot accept responsibility for his actions or behavior. He's blaming a child for picking up on HIS feelings? Um. NO.


12 moms found this helpful


answers from Abilene on

Picture your daughter in your shoes. What would you tell her? By normalizing this behavior, you’re speaking volumes as to what your kids future relationships will look like.

Look at your kiddos and know that you deserve to be treated with love and respect - and they do too. They need someone to protect them from unhealthy relationships, not keep them in one perpetually.

I hope you find strength to decide to prioritize yourself and your kids. Otherwise you’ll be writing again in 15 years except it will be your daughter in an abusive relationship. So sad.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Your children should be your priority. Sadly, you placed a bf, now fiance above your daughter then you had a child with the immature bf/fiance. You knew before you had a baby what type of person he was. You are not a victim here. Stop with excuses. Maybe you thought you could change him, WRONG. Instead... change yourself and protect your children.

Put your children FIRST.. YOU don't get priority anymore because you are a parent. YOU are modeling the behavior your children will grow to view as "normal". Do you really want them in a relationship like yours when they grow up?

Your fiance is a POS for trash talking your ex to your children.

Get out now so your children can hopefully have a solid relationship when they grow up. Show them that you can provide that for them.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


You've had these issues for over 5 years and you are still with him WHY?? My instinct is to say RUN FORREST RUN!!!

He has shown you who he is. He has shown you that he is jealous and CANNOT acknowledge his issues. You keep making excuses for him. Your daughter is seeing you are putting HIS FEELINGS above hers. How is that going to work out for HER? WHY would you allow this guy - I won't even call him a man - blame your daughter for HIS behavior?

Do you feel he's magically going to change? Do you feel he's going to "see the light" and stop being a jerk? No. He won't. He doesn't need to because he has you making excuses for him and walking on egg shells.

this is what you are allowing your children to be a part of


9 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Ask yourself why you would want to marry a guy that would make your children feel bad. It’s only going to get worse. Marriage won’t “fix” him. Your children deserve better. And every time you two “adults “ argue they are going to feel it’s their fault, even though it’s not.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

If he is excellent at gas lighting you absolutely do not marry him. Unless you enjoy being gas lighted and having your children suffer for the rest of their lives?
And who gets into shouting matches BEFORE they are even married? That usually comes after years of stress and problems. People are generally happy and in love when they get engaged and married.
I hope this post is fake :-(

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Your fiancé is immature, jealous, and a bully. Get out now. Take your girls and go.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i think you're approaching this from the wrong end of the stick.

obviously the situation with your fiance badmouthing your child's father must be addressed.

but you are engaged to a man who gaslights you as well as throws dirt at your child's father. your kids are being exposed to trashtalking and gaslighting. they are watching their mother choose this as their normal family life.

is this what you want your kids to normalize and take into their adult lives?


8 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

How should you approach him? He’s excellent at gaslighting? He will have a shouting match and turn the conversation around?

I’m sorry, but WHY do you want to marry him? Are you looking forward to yet another divorce on the horizon because you married the wrong guy?

You need to get your priorities straight. Your children come first. They do not need you marrying this kind of jerk.

Quit now with him while you can.

And so what if your ex, who you have a relationship with that works, eats your food once in a while? Good lord.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

I wouldn't even give him a chance to gaslight, he is in the wrong and is hurting your child with his distain for her father. He needs to stop acting like a child and start acting as though your ex is one of the best people he knows for the sake of that child.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Sounds like he needs counseling for his jealousy and insecurity. The man is no longer in the picture, and he is still having issues with him because of his macho ideals that he at some point "bedded you and procreated with you" and still feels as if he's in some sort of competition with the man. If that's not extreme immaturity, I don't know what is. Then again, so are gaslighting and screaming matches, and making a child feel uncomfortable about who her father is, and his jealousy towards him. This sounds like a recipe for (further) disaster -- it already was a disaster when you chose to forever bind yourself to this man by having a child with him. Accepting his ring was another disaster, considering you KNOW he turns to screaming (shows a pattern), and you wanting to expose all your kids to this nonsense for 18 years. Do you not feel you and your kids deserve better?

If this is how it's going to be, I would suggest you seriously reconsider marrying this man. It's none of his business what he thinks of your ex, he is a good father, steps up to the plate and pays for his child, and that is something your fiance should acknowledge and be grateful for. Lots of other men skimp out on spending time with their kid or paying, making it the new man's issue. If he cannot grow up and keep his mouth shut, he should not be around your ex or your kids, at all. Your daughter should not be made to feel awkward because of his foolishness and by the way, you can get in some trouble with the judge, if he finds out that you're allowing badmouthing and animosity by your current fiance towards the father of the child. It can be seen as parental alienation and is taken very seriously.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

Okay so here are my 2 pennies..

Now keep in mind I believe I am a lot more.. confrontational than you...

As we become parents, we no longer put ourselves first ( most), our children need protection and support, stable home and environment. Now some people get this.. their love for a spouse and their child outweighs their feelings of jealousy, hot temper and act on impulse. Basically common sense and maturity!

Now your fiancé, obviously can not put your child with your X first. So we can assume he might not be ready for a step dad type or relationship. He just made your child feel bad. He is also jealous of your relationship with your x... sounds like x is being a good father. Keeping civility, spending time with his child and not having a melt down.

But we all know who isn’t being civil. Your fiancé rather you argue with the x, him being a crappy dad and probably worse. That is not a good character in a man. That’s actually pathetic.

Now where are you in all this? Why did you not stop your fiancé when you first sensed him immaturity .. when he was only a boyfriend?Why did you not stop him right away?

And you add gaslighting, moonlighting, howling at the moon.. and what ever else.. you have the girls go to school, or maybe on a visit to grandmas house, friends etc.. and you sit this guy down.. and you tell him how things need to be! Basically putting your foot down! And if he doesn’t like it.. maybe he is not the man that would be good for you, knowing you have kids from different father and he ( your X) will be in your life forever! Because she will forever be your daughter!

You need to protect your children. And this is where you grow a pair or put your big girls underwear on.. and take a stand!

No mofo.. would ever make my child feel bad for having a good father!

I really wish your babies well and they will be well when you have less drama! Best wishes!

Edited: if there is nothing between the x and you, and he is a good father, he should always be welcomed in your home
( food or no food) To set a good example of a healthy, participating father relationship!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

If you read all of your previous posts, going back seven years, it seems that nearly everything you have written is about your current fiance and his immaturity, jealousy, and his inability to grasp the fact that you were previously married and that your older child has a father (your ex-husband). Go back and read those carefully. At one point, it seems that you referred to this fiance as a soon-to-be ex, which indicates you were thinking of leaving him, if I read that correctly.

Think about the life you've created for your two young daughters. They have to monitor what they say about their dads. They live in fear of referring to your ex, or talking to each other openly. They live with a man who is hostile and annoyed about a simple truth - that your older child has a different father and that you were previously married (facts that he well knew when he entered into a relationship with you). Is this the home life you want? Is "gaslighting" an acceptable behavior model of a husband or father figure that you wish your girls to be comfortable with as they grow older? You're not arguing about what flavor of ice cream to serve with dessert, you're worried about gaslighting, avoiding a real conversation, and shouting about the fathers of your daughters.

And it's not about "energy". Stop using such a vague cowardly word. What is this "energy"? Fist-pounding, leaving the room in a huff, a mean look on his face, a curse, what? You need to be able to speak to him in clear words. "When [older daughter] talks about her dad, you bring up issues from the past, you become angry, you become cold and distant, you use cruel words. This is damaging to both girls, and to me. And it diminishes you as a father." Then tell him to grow up, act like a mature man, and that you're going to counseling with him or without him. And if it's without him, there will be a lot more of the "without" in his life.

Either get counseling for yourself or for you and your fiance, or counseling for your daughters. If your fiance has not changed in the seven years you've been writing here, is he likely to change now? He can, of course, but if he won't demonstrate a willingness to change, then you have to protect your daughters. I'm sorry your younger daughter won't have a good relationship with her dad like your older one does. Don't make any more mistakes in providing a safe and secure home for the girls. Start today by creating a stable loving environment for them.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

"he's Excellent at gaslighting" and you are still with him WHY?? Please don't tell me the sex is good and makes up for it.

This is NOT acceptable. You are teaching your daughter to cow-tow to a male and I won't call him a man because a MAN wouldn't do this. He's a coward and pussy. He needs to be b*tch slapped and put in his place.

You need to kick his a$$ to the curb and NEVER allow him near your children again. It's a shame that you have a kid with him. So you'll have to allow that but damn. I would plead for supervised visits and show recordings of his abusive behavior.

He's jealous.
He's a narcissist.
And I can tell you, he is NOT all that and a bag of chips. WHY you stick around boggles my mind.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Uffda . . . and you are still with him? Yikes! There are no victims, only volunteers. Sounds like your ex is twice the man as your fiance.

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